She may be embarrassed to be too specific. She probably doesn't want to come off as someone who has had a lot of experience, which could be embarrassing for both of you and perhaps affect your feelings. If you have had pre-marital counseling, can you talk to the counselor or perhaps your pastor, assuming it is a male.

I think that if you don't know your fiancee well enough to know her likes and dislikes then maybe you should get to know each other a little better before getting married. Even if you have not had intercourse yet, you should have experienced intimate moments together. Just my opinion. Hope not to offend.

she doesn't want to be your instructor. I wouldn't want to be. It's a bit stereotypical, but 1) I didn't sign on to be husband's mom (the person who tells you how to do everything); and 2) I would want my DH to be a bit "masterful"--maybe that makes me an antifeminist, but so what. I want him to know what HE wants, and to be assertive enough to go for it.

I also find it to be a real burden when there is TOO much emphasis on whether *I* am having a good time. Sometimes I don't have THAT good a time, and you know what? I resent the pressure that somehow I *ought* to. It isn't all about me; sometimes it's about HIM and what makes HIM feel good. When it's too much me, I get really turned off.

She also may never really have thought that much about what, specifically, is exciting to her; she may have simply reacted during the event.

And, sometimes, talking about something that coldly and clinically may actually make it *less* enticing later.

I think most of us will give indications when something feels good, and when something doesn't. So you'll want to pay attention to her cues. I would just say to ask her not to fake anything, and to, *during the event,* guide you if she wants to.

Also, I believe (though I have no way of knowing for sure) that the things that "work," are actually relatively common across the spectrum of women. The "wiring" is the same; the sensitive spots are the same. If you start with those basic ideas (do not rely on pornography to find out what they are, bcs pornography is all about the mental stimulation of the MALE MIND, and not the female body), then it's all about:
-the mood on any particular day (yours, hers, the two of yours together)
-the pressure or tempo of any particular thing, which can change without your realizing it, and for which you need to watch her cues

It's all about the event, the experience when it happens. You kinda have to be there.

Also, don't place too much pressure on yourself. You have a lifetime of sex ahead of you. Sure, this night has all sorts of mystique attached, but it's just the beginning. There are plenty of chances to perfect it, try out variations.

The first time is about simply connecting. Pyrotechnics are not required.

And if you want to do some "academic" research, there's the classic "the joy of sex," and "sex: the manual"

You say she's not a virgin and she's coming into this with 'a set of expectations from previous relationships'--

Don't forget that those prior experiences could have been negative rather than positive. She may not be *able* to tell you much about what works for her....

For a woman, sex is more about who you're with rather than how the job's getting done. Take a lesson from the Song of Solomon and spend lots of time telling her how much you love her and how beautiful she is to you-- best aphrodisiac in the world :-)

Also-- TAKE YOUR TIME. There isn't any hurry. Have tons of fun making out until she's ready to rip *your* clothes off. Once you get to that point, nature seems to take care of the details :-)

I was in the same boat as you are in now . I wouldn't push too much on any real "conversations" on the subject. Just wait until the time comes and learn as you go. Try different things and ask if she likes it while your doing it. If she doesn't then try something else. The same goes for you too. If she does something you don't like just gently steer her into the right direction without being too brutal. You can teach and be taught without being "specific" know what I mean?
Oh, and your right. No two women are alike in that sense. It doesn't matter if we're "wired" the same. Things that please and excite one person won't necessarily work for someone else. That's where the fun starts. Don't be afraid to experiment, she'll let you know if she does or doesn't like it.

Good luck!!

Karen

First, CONGRATULATIONS for waiting. It's not easy, it's often misunderstood...but your marriage will be better for it :)

The fact that your bride doesn't want to talk to you about sex isn't the greatest thing in the world. I hope that you will pursue premarital counseling (which is a great idea for ALL couples). In the meantime, I suggest you buy a book about sex. There are a lot of dumb, weird books out there on this subject, but you need something basic, like The Act of Marriage ( http://www.amazon.com/Act-Marriage-Dr-Tim-LaHaye/dp/0310212006/sr=8-1/qid=1167255497/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/102-5296517-3956122?ie=UTF8&s=books ). I think you'll find all you need to know in this book, but there is one glaring error. The authors state that women cannot ejaculate. WRONG! We can.

Kristina
www.christianweddingtips.blogspot.com

Hi dshuller,
Just my suggestion here, but I would not try handle her or make her talk about what she is either not comfortable or willing to talk about. Are you really into her? Do you find it easy to get lost in her stare? Do you smell her scent on you all day when she is away? I know this all sounds a little korny but I am a romantic. Do your homework and look around to see what you can do to keep the attention on her(gifts, dinner, walks, conversation) and try not to focus on what you THINK she wants. She has demonstrated to you through your future marriage, that she trusts in what you decide and how you might handle yourself. Best part is bud, practice. If i had any advice that would mean the most in helping you, pay attention to her. To every detail. Write it down if you must, but I assure you that she will respond in a very positive manner as she recognizes how much she means to you and how important she is to you. Never forget the little things. Good luck.

She may be worried that if she tells you stuff you may turn around later and suggest that she is too experienced. Many women are uncomfortable going into detail about what they like; thats if they know. The other problem is you tell your dear husband what you like and thats all he ever does for 20 years. Its supposed to be a loving, evolving time together. The best thing about my husband is that he is loving during the day--at lunch, when I am shopping, he is affectionate not just at nite.

Forgive my honesty here, but I was the "experienced" one who "deflowered" someone in a relationship quite a few years ago.

I admire you tremendously for being concerned about her pleasure. It is quite charming! :) You will definitely find that as the moment evolves your body and your soul will tell you what to do. I never had to "coach" him. Nature just took over and he knew what to do and (sorry TMI) he did it well.

Another honesty point (I believe Marge touched on it as well) is that intimacy doesn't begin and end in the bedroom. When my FH grabs my hand and holds it while we're walking down the street, puts his arms around me from behind while I'm cooking and kisses the top of my head, and things like that are the BEST for creating intimacy. With intimacy, the comfort of the sexual aspects will come a lot more freely.

You are inexperienced, and your bride is a bit shy. I would not make it a goal to have sex on your *wedding night*. No, really. I'm serious.

You're going to have a looooong day. Maybe a lot of travel. Maybe a bit of drinking. A lot of stress. You''re going to be exhausted from the whole long ordeal of the wedding.

Since you haven't even been intimate with each other yet, I would suggest just lieing and sleeping next to each other on your wedding night. Enjoy each other's scent, and fall asleep in each others arms. Wake up fresh in the morning and take a shower together, maybe the hotel will even have a whirlpool in your room! Take things sloooowly and use the whole day to become sexually aquainted with each other.

A lot of people do not make love on their exact wedding night.

Your bride may not want you to be like "those other guys" she knew. Obviously she did not decide to marry any of THEM,

If you do not feel comfortable discussing your concerns with a pre-marriage councelor try checking out some websites where you can get information like the Sue Johansen site. She has a phone-in show on the Oxygen network on sunday night. The next upcoming episode of her show 3/4/07 will have Dan Savage, who writes a nationally syndicated sex and relationship column for the newpapers and writer Regina Lynn.

http://www.talksexwithsue.com/index2.html
http://www.talksexwithsue.com/sexindex.html

Go to the library and get some books, or find some websites and *read them together with your girlfriend*. This will give you the opportunity to discuss likes and dislikes beforehand. You can read about things together and your girlfriend is sure to comment either eeeeew or oooooh on the suggestions.

Here is a link that might be useful: Sue Johansen Sex Talk TV Show