"It would be nice if some men would respond. Linda put her side of the problem on the forum (Posted 11-8-09), only women responded." Wrong. I am male and here is what I wrote to her then: "Posted by asolo (My Page) on Tue, Nov 10, 09 at 15:17 You had separate finances before. You have separate finances now. Nothing unusual about that. But there must be mutual understandings. I assume your presence and activities within Dan's house amount to something. Cleaning, housekeeping, errands, cooking perhaps? In that sense, what makes you a "tenant" -- one who pays rent -- as opposed to a "housekeeper" or "personal secretary"-- one who is entitled to a wage? I would encourage you not to open that pandora's box. However, if he does, I wouldn't hesitate to turn it around instantly. Spouses often share expenses but they do NOT pay "rent". Suggest you share all expenses (excluding taxes and insurance on Dan's home which remains his asset) but not "rent". I think "rent" within a marriage is an obnoxious term. As time goes on and you may buy furniture, etc,. you must be careful to record what's his, yours, and "ours". Your union can work just fine with separate accounts. Both of you should gain. Neither of you should have your assets depleted. "Rent" would be a net depletion for you because if you still lived in your own house, you wouldn't be paying it. I would resist that. If you contribute to repairs and/or upgrades to Dan's house over time, that becomes your equitable interest in the property, too, which you'll want to record. Overall, I think Dan's being kind of a jerk about this. He's creating more problems than he's solving. You may have married a pedant. If he persists, you may want to consider a "post-nuptial" agreement and put this nonsense to bed permanently. How's the marriage going otherwise?" Your questions from this post: "1.) I am asking Linda to share the living cost of the home we live in. 1/2 of the cost is $240.00 per month (includes taxes, insurance, utilities etc.). Is this right?" Yes and no. Your idea of "living expenses" is flawed. She should share in "expenses" such as utilities and food and cleaning products, other things you both consume. She should also be willing to contribute to occasional appliance repairs and other wear-and-tear items that both of you use and that will require repair or replacement in time. That part would be fair in my opinion. How much and whether or not that will represent equitable interest thereafter will be a can of worms for both of you, of course. She shouldn't contribute to any capital item. You remodel the place or replace the roof, you pay for all of it. She should not pay taxes or insurance or anything else related to the capital value of your separate asset. "2.) I am also asking Linda to share $160.00 per month of the profits she makes from her 10 rental units. Is this right?" No. Hers is hers. Yours is yours. You've already agreed to that. Your justification is nuts. She could say the same thing if you wanted to turn it around. She's agreed to dance to your tune and you want her to pay the piper, too. "3) I feel the request I am making for her to share is fair and honest. Am I right or wrong?" I don't doubt your honesty. Making requests is "fair" but I don't think an experienced disinterested outsider would back you up about the logic or "fairness" of your proposal. I suggest two things -- and both of you should share the cost: 1) Seek out an experienced family-practice lawyer, lay this on the table before them and ask their opinion/advice. Nail down the financial logic -- which may give both of you new perspectives. 2) Assuming you reach an agreement, I would then lock it down in a post-nuptial agreement. What the hell....the way you two are thinking, you're going to be talking to lawyers soon enough anyway if you can't clear this off the table. You could allow Linda to purchase 1/2 of your house. Maybe she could do her own financing or maybe you could carry the note. That wouldn't disrupt anything else for either of you and would remove the root cause of all this financial pedantry. If, in your opinion, those options can't be considered -- you will have told me more about yourself than you may have intended.

Hey Mojo...okay, I can't help it, but I'm laughing - not because I don't take your predicament seriously (I do!), but because of the fact that you've told your story with such disarming honesty. Some say that women are more inherently relational - that the details of people's lives that seem ridiculous to guys matter greatly to women because their antennae are more naturally attuned to relationships and their issues. Case in point - look at this website! You, posting on the marriage forum as a man, are probably in the minority. Most guys, I'm guessing, don't give a rip about the marital issues of people they don't even know. But we gals...oh yeah. That said, I don't know if I have great answer for you. If your wife is sharing what she does because that's just who she is, you could try to negotiate how it goes a la some of the suggestions above. If you think she's being passive aggressive and doing it to intentionally make you angry, there's something deeper you'll need to explore. Nevertheless, your question reminds me of the following excerpt from "Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys," one of THE funniest books I've ever read. My husband and I can practically quote it chapter and verse. I hope you enjoy it: "Contrary to what many women believe, it's fairly easy to develop a long-term, stable, intimate, and mutually fulfilling relationship with a guy. Of course this guy has to be a Labrador retriever. With human guys,it's extremely difficult. This is because guys don't really grasp what women mean by the term relationship. Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?" And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of. And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months. And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person? And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see . . .February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here. And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected. And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. Wha cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600. And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure. And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty.That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs. And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy. And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll take their warranty and ...................... "Roger," Elaine says aloud. "What?" says Roger, startled. "Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have . . . Oh, I feel so..." (She breaks down, sobbing.) "What?" says Roger. "I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse." "There's no horse?" says Roger. "You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says. "No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer. "It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time," Elaine says. (There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) "Yes," he says. (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says. "What way?" says Roger. "That way about time," says Elaine. "Oh," says Roger. "Yes." (Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.) "Thank you, Roger," she says. "Thank you," says Roger. Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.) The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either. Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

In response to your question on wife vs. child and the priority they should take, this is a very difficult and sensitive matter. Many people have different opinions on it. Here is what I mean by my thought that your wife should come first Whn you are in a marriage, the best thing that you can do for your kids is set the example of a strong, stable and happy relationship. I grew up in a stepfamily and it was very clear to the five stepchildren involved, between my dad and stepmom, that his first priority was with her. This did not mean that we were not cared for or were neglected in any way! But anything that had the potential to come between them or add unreasonable stress to their marriage (including having kids move from mom or dad's house in with them when they had a full load of kids already) was not accepted. Although it meant we did not always get our way, we grew up respecting my parents and their relationship. Seeing their strong, united front taught all of us to better handle our own relationships when we were older. They have been together for 20 years and the hardest part of all of this has been handling the blended family. Where I have seen other marriages fail, it has been clear that they stand together and treat each other's needs as a first priority- before the kids, before anyone else in the family. This is just as you see in many, many stable marriages. If your child is doing well with his mother, and having him move in with you will benefit you personally, but cause upheaval in your marriage, you are setting an unbalanced example of how a healthy marriage functions. It seems like in today's world of divorce, this is one of the most common ways family priorities are being reversed to center on the kids rather than the marriage. Sure, kids have needs- different and often more demanding than a spouse. But confusing true needs of the kids vs. committment to your spouse is sure to create chaos. Your child will grow up to have his own relationships, but if you are committed to your marriage, you will spend the remainder of your days with your wife. Her happiness should be as important as your own and will provide a solid foundation for your son to learn from. Harming your marital stability will hurt your son more than you know. With that said, I agree wholeheartedly that she should not stand in the way of your relationship with your son. She should encourage and accomodate this relationship to the best of her ability. Since this is her first marriage, she is bound to feel robbed of some of your attention and some amount of jealousy. She is obviously not ready to have him move in with you, so I hope you don't force that on her. Sometimes having a good relationship with a child is possible regardless of where the child lives. But I hope she will come to a middle ground with you. She has responsibilities in this marriage too. You should not be choosing between her and your child. If it is a matter of your child truly suffering for her decisions, then there are issues between you and your wife that need to be resolved, and that child's well-being should be a top priority. Your child needs you more at times and in ways that she does not. Accomodating these needs of your child does not mean you have to push her aside either, and vice versa. In a healthy marriage, you should not feel that you have to choose between her and your kids. So, the complicated answer, and this is my opinion, is that you should NOT push aside your child for your wife. However, you should stand with your wife on these decisions and not force her to do something that will break up your marriage. Give her some time and ask her to come to a middle ground with you that will allow you to show your child what a stable marriage consists of. It sounds like your ex does not exhibit behaviors that are abusive or harmful to the son, and it seems awfully young to tear him out of his mom's household. I hope this works out for you. By the way, it does seem like a double standard that her parents are living with you 6 months out of the year. That must also be a burden on your marriage and one she may be pushing on you unfairly. If it bothers you, set your foot down and tell her that this also feels like an uncalled for intrusion in your life too. But if it's not, the two issues are completely separate.

My son that is 21, left our home before we got married. He came to us last night and now says he is ready to follow our rules. He's had that opportunity since he was 18 and thumbed his nose at it. He felt like he was an "adult" because he had an 18th birthday and was legally an adult. He turned down his chance to go to culinary school because he told my dad he wanted to "do it on his own" and he didn't. His problem has been his attitude and he had to go find out, through the school of hard knocks, that it wasn't what he thought to be 18. We've helped him get decent (manual labor) jobs and even co signed a car to help him out. He quit the job because he didn't like it and stopped paying on the car when it got hit & damaged (totaled), he says while it was parked. My younger son, perhaps realized by seeing what his brother was doing, decided to abide by the rules and go to college. He is doing better, as he also went out and got a part time job and is making payments on his first car too. My daughter is doing much better in school and also working. My kids are doing much better since I got married and I can't say that it's because I got married, they were already 16-17 when I married him. But, I can say that before I was married, they did struggle more. In fact, my daughter was at one point failing in school and was clinically depressed. She began cutting when she was put on anti depressants so that was stopped. My now 18 year old son, became addicted to prescription painkillers when he was 16 and was hospitalized. These things were happening around the time I met my husband and my daughter has told me that it's different now. Before, when I was a single parent, they had a lot more freedom because I was working and not always home to enforce the rules so there was inconsistency. My husband moved in when we were planning our wedding and initially, there was rebellion, but all of the children were a part of our ceremony. We even included vows to each other's children. Over time, all the kids are doing better than they were before(except now his daughter is having problems) My step daughter is having problems for a completely different reason. Her mom abandoned her three months ago. and she is actually doing much better the past month. She's had problems with school because her mom was doing homework for her last year (when she didn't get it) and we sit down with her and help her understand it. Her teacher commented on her progress at her conference two weeks ago. At the beginning of the year (when her mom left) she was having behavioral problems and couldn't do her work because she didn't understand it or know the terminology. Her mom has continued to keep her on an emotional roller coaster by telling her that she wants her to go live over there but that she can't because it's only a one bedroom house. She never calls to say she loves her or goodnight. SD calls and BM never answers her phone, so SD has to leave messages that BM doesn't return. In fact, we just got another call from BM that she can't pick up SD from school today (she's supposed to get her from school on Fridays) but will try to be here by 9:30 PM (and they have a 2 1/2 hour drive back to where she lives) The last time she said she would be here in the evening like that, we were ready and waiting and she called and said she'd be here in the morning. She was late then too. SD does much better when we have a two week stretch without her visiting her mom because she does have the stability of her routine and schedule. She is with DH on the last weekend of each month so we have that two weeks and lately, she's bounced back from her mom's BS better. I think she's realizing that her mom can't be counted on. It may be different if she had a stable mom, but she doesn't. and no, I don't wish her mom would go away or not exist, I wish her mom would stop hurting her daughters. She also abandoned her 12 year old when she left.