Worried: I wouldn't call our relationship loveless. I love him very much. I believe he loves me. He says often enough and tenderly enough. Yes he has control issues and I have issues dealing with his control. But things have changed a lot since our confrontation and he does try to listen more. As for if I'm happy well at this time we're trying to deal with this situation so I wouldn't say there is a general feeling of happiness. But we're not directing the unhappiness toward each other. When he's not working we are together a lot. Problem is he's working a lot. Lucky for me that whether he's really working is easy for me to know the reason for his trip is work. That doesn't really prove whether he could be cheating although when I've asked him if he is/has he says no. He doesn't act withdrawn but I'm aware that he still could be. I enjoy being with him and he seems to enjoy being with me. Our sex life is everything I could want and he sure seems satisfied too. But he is also very affectionate outside of sex. I pretty much can't keep my hands off him and if ever want to get him to not act angry just touching him usually does it. Doesn't change his mind much but does change his demeanor. But he doesn't speak roughly to me often anyway. Like I said in my first post I almost wish he didn't treat me in the manner that he does because then I could easier resist him. Thanks to Mkroop for pointing that out as manipulation but Lawd! It's still hard to resist him even when armed with that knowledge. Granted in the past that has been because I just let him have his way but that has changed some too. I guess I really need to look up that word narcissistic to see what else is involved other than control. One positive I have gotten from all of your posts is speaking up for myself and not being afraid to oppose him. I don't know what my fear was with that other than not wanting to be a nag for fear it would drive us apart and our marriage wouldn't last. I remember hearing one of my sisters say that he husband was the boss until she started having kids. Now she is definitely the queen bee so I guess there's hope for me yet. This post was edited by wifey1281 on Wed, Dec 5, 12 at 7:32

I know you said you and he talked and a lot of things came out, but I can't be certain what those things were. I don't need to know of course. I am just concerned for stating any obvious points you already know and have already addressed with him. I'm really glad you had the courage to tell him some things that were on your mind. It is apparent you're bothered, hence the name of this thread and what you have expressed. And, you're right to be bothered. What is more, you're not sweeping these things under the rug, and that is so very commendable because most women do, which isn't good at all. It appears your naivete is working in your favor. Depite your fears, you approached him and addressed your concerns. You're really on the right road. Even if it means he doesn't like it, continue to stand your ground. You know you cannot imagine living this way indefinitely. I know one of the members is very keen on suggesting you seek counseling, and she's right for the most part. You do need counseling because when it comes to relationships and marriage, I think almost all women need counseling, so please don't neglect that. The problem is, all too often, women do exactly as you have been doing, which is to live their lives by their guy's permission and approval and then not addressing their issues for fear of losing him. Where the need for counseling is concerned, I'm saying you are just like most in this respect and while that surely will help with your self esteem, your sense of worth, and, thereby, your confidence, counseling will not provide you with what is needed for your marriage. As has been stated, marriage is a lot of work, and it takes a very unique skillset. For that, you need are a plan and some tools to work with. You're new to some things - those that you missed along the way of not experiencing the usual dynamics, machinations, and negotiations of relationships, so you're at a slight disadvantage and in for sort of a crash course. For starters, his responses to you, as were here referred to as "a line" or "a bunch of crap," are exactly that. They are empty statements, especially to say "just being you" in answer to your question. Empty because it neither defines nor determines anything specific. He said that for lack of anything else to say. I got over statements like these around 16 years old and determined I needed something more concrete. The flattery is always nice, but I want some REAL answers. After that, I want actions to back up those words. You, your needs, your opinions, your comfort level, and your wishes are to be respected. That's where your plan comes in. Determined what you don't like, and list them, then tell him one by one. Your marriage shouldn't be everything he wants, everything he says, and the way he says it has to go. Stop allowing him to be the sole conductor. Determine what you want from him and your marriage, and list them, then tell him one by one. He has to know that you also have requirements he is expected to live up to. If yours clash with his, then the two of you have to work toward a mutually acceptable compromise without you feeling short-changed in the deal because that will be no different than you feel right now. He has to give too. You cannot live feeling the onus for the success or the failure of your marriage is on your shoulders alone. Nor can you live as if you are his child. Tell him what you don't like, and tell him what you want. Be determined, demanding, and intolerant of anything less if you must, but don't settle to be relegated to the background any more. And, on the same note, he is to afford you the respect of way more than a moment's notice when he's going to be traveling and the respect and consideration of a phone call when he is away. It is inconceivable and unbelievable that he doesn't call you when he's gone. He's living the life of a single man, but you have to let him know you are going to hold him responsible to you because that is what marriage and having a wife are all about, and you deserve to be considered and respected as his wife. Don't let him fool you anymore. He has an itinerary and although there may be unexpected changes occasionally, his whole life is not lived at the spur of the moment. Think about it, games are scheduled far, far in advance, aren't they? Honestly, the way he's living, the way he has you living, and what he has you believing is as if he has another wife somewhere. I say that only HALF jokingly. You have the resources to find out, and you certainly should find out. I would hire a detective. Don't be so naive that you will fall for anything and everything. I know you feel like a schoolgirl, in love and infatuated. You can enjoy all those feelings while being wise, prudent, and discerning at the same time. You know it's time to listen to your intuition. You've known it for a while now apparently but decided to swap your gut feeling for bliss. You know it's time to find out what the pit of your stomach keeps trying to tell you even though it's scary. Talk to people that will fortify your resolve, like this forum. Next are the tools you need to strengthen your bond and help you and your husband create the marriage you both desire yours to be. For that, you need marriage counseling (not individual counseling) and/or websites, books, and articles that help you both understand what marriage is all about and what is required from each of you. Following are websites I know about that offer lots of articles on marriage, communication, and understanding. Yes, that means he has to do the reading too. Require that of him. He doesn't get to skate by any longer with you doing all the work however he tells you to do it. It can be fun to read, discuss, and implement the principles you're both learning. They can be read at yours and his leisure, but there has to be a time frame, such as "this particular article (or these particular articles) have to be read between this date and that one" (select an article or two and then give a week or two weeks allowance for reading). Schedule a day for discussion after that time period. Apply the principles in your daily lives together. Then begin again to plan other articles, another time frame for reading, and scheduled date for discussion. Make it a big day of driving or going out to dinner. The 10 Marriage Commandments This is a Christian marriage site with lots of helpful articles, but this particular article will help you both establish some rules in your marriage - the boundaries of respect and consideration that neither of you should cross against the other. You might not devise all the rules at once. Some will make themselves known later when they actually happen. Instead of getting irritated with each other, recognize that you didn't know it would be something the other person did not or would not like. One rule you might consider establishing is that he call you (at least once a day) while he's away. Another might be that he gives you a copy of his itinerary a month in advance. I'm sure you have other rules you would like to establish. He, no doubt, has some too. Again, compromising may be in order. Read and put into practice the other articles at that site too. There's are lots of articles on Communication and Conflict for you each to improve your communication skills. The 5 Love Languages This book is extremely valuable to help you both become familiar with your own and each other's love language. As the aricle explains, love language is the "primary way of expressing and interpreting love." For example, it seems your love language might be Words of Affirmation since you gush and melt when he says things that make you feel special. His love language might be something different. There is a questionnaire - a kind of test - you each can take to learn your profile type. Once you both know each other's preference, you can begin communicating in that language. If you find that Words of Affirmation truly is your preferred way of interpreting love (or whatever you learn your love language is), he is to make a habit of expressing his love to you in that manner. Whatever he finds his preferred method of interpreting love is, you are to make a habit of expressing your love to him in that manner. This can help make your life together a wonderful dance of love and mutual reciprocation. MarriageBuilders.com This is my favorite site and is a treasure chest of informative articles (and books) and priceless information. You will literally have dozens and dozens of Ah Ha! moments. Begin with Basic Concepts and move on to the Love Bank and so on. Many of the articles also have a questionnaire at the end. Print out two copies of the questionnaires after you both read the articles as scheduled (as suggested above). You each complete a questionnaire and then schedule a day to sit down and discuss each other's answers. You have to make the effort to stop doing the things he says irritates him, and he has to make the effort to stop doing the things you say irritate you. This way, you avoid getting on each other's nerves, while applying the principles you learned in the articles. There now. You both will be very busy working on yourselves to build a healthy marriage, create a stronger bond, and learning the best ways to communicate. See the kind of work that goes into marriage? A heck of a lot more work than picking his socks off the floor, isn't it? LOL Truthfully, couples don't normally do all this work. But then, look at the divorce rate and consider how many truly are not very happily married. You look at couples and from the outside, you think they are happy. Those who know you would never know of your concerns either though. No one can tell from the outside looking in. Most don't know they NEED to work and don't know the work to do. Lucky for you that now you do know. Incidentally, this will also help in the area of your confidence. It will be a lot less required that you have to build up the confidence to broach these subjects with your husband since the articles are prompting and directing you. You won't have to worry that he will feel criticized or questioned by you because it's all laid out for him in black and white (most of it anyway), and you don't have to worry that he might leave you for making such an effort to please and be pleased.

finedreams: All of the religious counselors I have ever heard speak regarding marriage problems, have always suggested that abuse and infidelity are grounds for divorce. I believe that people who stay in a marriage where either occurs may hold on to this as the reason they stay. I would venture to guess that they actually stay because of fear. Whether it is a fear of being alone, or a fear of being unlovable, or a fear of supporting themselves or children on their own, or a fear of the violent person getting visitation rights and their inability to protect their children, or fearing that if they left, that they would make their spouse very angry, or all of the above, I think it boils down to fear. Perhaps they don't want to lose their home and life as they know it. And it is easier to use the vows and church as their reason for staying in such a situation, than to admit that they are afraid to be alone. When chronic infidelity occurs within a marriage, perhaps they feel responsible somehow. Or their sense of self esteem is so damaged, but again, I think it often is fear that keeps them from leaving. Or perhaps they don't leave because they really do not want another woman/man parenting their children, or involved in the lives of the children and family.

It never fully dawned on me that people would copy the recipe! Please note the changes below. The most critical is to use 1.5 lbs. of cream cheese, which would be three 8 oz. bricks. Also best in a 10 inch springform pan, not 9 inch like in the directions. Also don't use waxed paper. My mom did, I guess it was OK because the baking temp. was low but it's not a good idea. Fine without anything. If using greased parchment, I'd prebake the crust a bit, like maybe 8 min., just to get some caramelizing. Since the temp. is so low, pretty important to preheat the oven. You could raise it a tad I think, like to maybe 315. Hard for me to say because when I made it, my husband tried to use the timer on the oven and he actually turned the oven off, and I had to go back and bake it longer at a higher temp just to get the filling to set. It still tasted great, but the crust suffered a bit. Prebaking the crust probably not necessary if you don't use a ban marie. Mom never used a ban marie but her top usually cracked a bit. I have an electric oven which does not always ensure an even temperature, which is why I am being so wonky on the oven temp. instructions and baking. Notes/Changes from printed directions: USE A FULL 1.5 lbs cream cheese, which is the equivalent of three 8 oz. bricks. Best results in a 10 inch springform pan. Do not use waxed paper to line pan. Well greased parchment paper may be substituted but is not necessary. Make sure to grease the sides of the pan if not using parchment paper. Here's a link to similar cheesecake recipe with photo instructions. https://cookiesandcups.com/perfect-cheesecake/ Note that the linked recipe is different than Mom's. Mom's cheesecake is souffle-like just a bit, so that's why it has a different egg to cream cheese ratio. This makes for a very light cheesecake. If you change the ratio of eggs to cheese or don't whip the egg whites, it will still be good, but not the cheesecake that made my Mom famous.