| First of all -- my sympathies to you. I can only imagine how hard it would be to have my child marry someone who seemed to have no interest in our family. I hope that someday -- perhaps when there are grandchildren, or she just matures a bit -- that will change. I understand how you feel. And I understand the line you are trying to walk: you want to be polite and not unpleasant, but you don't want to be hypocritical. I urge you not to try to do that by being terse and distant yourselves, and certainly not in a toast. I fear it will backfire for you. Recently, our very close friends' daughter married a guy they don't especially like, and they really dislike his parents. At the wedding, the bride's brother gave a toast that sounded like he was trying to do exactly what you said you want to do, but his hostility and disappointment were obvious. It made everyone uncomfortable, it probably made his sister unhappy, and it made him look small and mean. The parents had as little to do with their new son-in-law's family as they could all weekend, and they refused to attend the reception his parents gave in their city. We who love them dearly are watching all this with alarm. They think they are being "true to their feelings." We all see that they couldn't be pushing their beloved daughter away from them more effectively if they were trying. Acceptance does work two ways, even if our child's spouse wouldn't have been our choice. Please don't let that happen with your son. A toast is like a eulogy -- it's not a time to focus on negatives, and no one thinks it's hypocritical to say nice things that may not quite be true. I would try to choke it back and make as warm and as nice a toast as I could. Start by thanking your hosts and saying how lovely everything is. Then thank all your family and friends from sharing this milestone with you. Now you're halfway through! But eventually you have to say something to the couple, I know. If you simply can't say that you love Petunia and you are so glad your son chose her, perhaps tell a sweet story about when he was a little boy, or pass on a story or bit of wisdom from your own marriage, or how you knew that he was in love with her, or something like that. Then wish them many years of health and happiness -- I assume you do wish that! -- and you are done. Good luck. I hope it turns out better than you fear. |
