| There are several strings on related subjects; do a search. I can't tell exactly what your question is:
The header line is "Money?" and you write,
"I really don't want to register, have a shower or gifts, but my family is pressing me to have one." One what? Shower? Registry? With regard to gifts, period, listen to what your mom is telling you. Let people be nice. Don't throw their generosity back in their faces. I understand that you are -- admirably -- feeling bad about them spending money on a gift in addition to travel expenses (or for a wedding they cannot comfortably afford to attend). But even though your motives are unselfish, you still have to be careful not to be directing people's generosity toward you. If someone flat out asks you, you can say something like, "What really would mean most to us would be a contribution to your favorite charity." [Note: THEIR favorite charity, not yours.] Registries and showers are a stickier issue. Many people will tell you (and your family already is) that there's no reason you shouldn't have them just because you aren't having a big, local wedding. And they are right. But I do understand your feeling about not wanting to seem like it's all about you, you, you -- as if you want a wedding in an exotic venue that will make it hard for people to attend, but you don't want to miss out on any possible loot. You are concerned about sending the message, "We don't care about your presence, but we do care about your presents." I know that isn't what's really going on here; people have all kinds of reasons for destination weddings. But I do understand your concern about sending the wrong impression. So what to do? People do want to make showers and similar fuss, and they want to buy gifts that will please you. Here is what I think what I would do: Showers: if someone insists on giving one, agree graciously. You might gently let the host/s know that your preference would be to keep it small and low key and for something like a recipe, scrapbook, or advice shower, not a gift shower. I would try to avoid having more than one. Registry: I would definitely avoid multiple registries and long lists. I don't even like them for big, local weddings; too much like a shopping list. In your circumstances, it might look like you are expecting lots of gifts from people who can't even come to the wedding. I would stick to patterns -- tableware, cookware, linens -- so it looks like the reason you registered is the original reason for registering. That way you are safe from anyone thinking you expect a big haul or don't trust their taste. I'm sure that many people will disagree with me on this last part; there is the school of thought that it is somehow considerate to include a lot of little, low priced items. But it never strikes me that way, just as store clerks pressuring couples to register the world so all their gifts will come from their store, or as a couple deciding that they can't risk anyone buying them a gift they didn't choose for themselves. That makes me feel like they don't look at my gift as an expression of my fondness for them, but as an opportunity to fulfill their shopping list. JMHO. Anyway, items in patterns aren't always expensive, and even if everything on the registry is outside of a giver's budget, they can just choose a gift themselves. Whatever you decide, I'm sure it will be fine. Best wishes to you! Where will your wedding be? | 
