Bride and Groom refuse to dance at reception

14 years ago

My daughter is having a very small wedding (32 guests) on Nov. 1st. We're holding it in the charming party room of a restaurant here in Austin. To save money, the music will come from the bride's ipod through the venue's speakers. It's a seated dinner. My daughter just informed me that her fiance absolutely refuses to dance, and that's fine with her because she thinks those first dances are corny and that dancing with ones father is yukky. My question is what happens after dinner? There's no DJ or master of ceremonies to move things along. Won't people expect dancing? It just seems so awkward with neither the bride nor groom participating. Maybe this is a situation that will simply take care of itself when the time comes....

Comments (6)

gellchom
14 years ago
Your last sentence answers your question.

I really don't think anyone will "expect" dancing (not that it matters even if they do) at a reception for 32 at a restaurant anyway. I wouldn't. Is there even a dance floor? With only 32, you could have wonderful toasts and family stories. I think that would be even nicer than dancing.
chinchilla_queen
Original Author
14 years ago
There's an area that could be used for dancing, but what you wrote is extremely sensible. Thank you!
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sandysometimes... I hear what you're saying... but... we HAD planned on attending (although hadn't responded as we were still working the childcare bit) and my oldest was well aware we were planning on going... not being fond of lying to our children, we explained to her why we decided not to attend... I don't think our intention with that was to "bring them into" the topic... it was soley to explain why there was a change in our family plans. The whole topic just makes me sad... it's not that our family (entire extended family I mean) has "problems" with this... everyone understood why we opted out... or that they didn't agree with both sides of the topic... or that we don't feel it IS entirely up to the bride and groom to decide whatever they want (we do)... it's just a very touchy thing still years later... we've never been shown wedding photos yet we all know they exist... the wedding was never spoken about with us after it happened or in the years since... it's almost as though everyone in the family wants to forget the day happened when we're around... and it all could have been avoided with clear communication upfront... All I intended to point out with my posting was that those planning weddings must make their own decisions on what they want, set their standard, and then be prepared for others reactions to those. This may mean people you expect to attend will not. In this case, I KNOW my niece wasn't prepared for us NOT to attend, she called me in tears talking about how their decision had caused so many people not to attend and how she wished she haad known ahead of time that would happen. My sister called, my mother called. All three understood our position and agreed with us. That did not change the situation, nor did we expect it to... My message to those planning weddings with many out of area invitees with children really is... be prepared for them to decide it is best for them not to attend if you are not willing to have something arranged for the children of those you invite IF they are not being invited to the festivities... Not everyone has childcare available for a couple of days and nights to be able to leave their children behind.
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Traditionally, at least around here, it is the best man's responsibility to take care of this. But practically speaking, I think the MOH usually takes care of it. When a wedding is at a hotel the MOH can take the cards and have them put in a safe, either at the front desk or in her room, handing them over to the couple later (I've done this when I was MOH, or just assigned the task). Gift tables often have a silver tray or something subtle for the cards to go on (open basket, etc.). Or people just put them on the table and the BM or MOH collects them after all the guests have arrived (people here do it that way, they don't walk around with the card and hand it to the bride). In our case, I had the wedding coordinator for the function hall put them in her safe, she handed them to me with some other items when we were leaving (I had my father take the gifts). The worse thing I ever saw was a wedding in NY where the bride walked around with a bag (like a decorated pillow case) collecting cards. I was embarrassed for her.
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First of all -- my sympathies to you. I can only imagine how hard it would be to have my child marry someone who seemed to have no interest in our family. I hope that someday -- perhaps when there are grandchildren, or she just matures a bit -- that will change. I understand how you feel. And I understand the line you are trying to walk: you want to be polite and not unpleasant, but you don't want to be hypocritical. I urge you not to try to do that by being terse and distant yourselves, and certainly not in a toast. I fear it will backfire for you. Recently, our very close friends' daughter married a guy they don't especially like, and they really dislike his parents. At the wedding, the bride's brother gave a toast that sounded like he was trying to do exactly what you said you want to do, but his hostility and disappointment were obvious. It made everyone uncomfortable, it probably made his sister unhappy, and it made him look small and mean. The parents had as little to do with their new son-in-law's family as they could all weekend, and they refused to attend the reception his parents gave in their city. We who love them dearly are watching all this with alarm. They think they are being "true to their feelings." We all see that they couldn't be pushing their beloved daughter away from them more effectively if they were trying. Acceptance does work two ways, even if our child's spouse wouldn't have been our choice. Please don't let that happen with your son. A toast is like a eulogy -- it's not a time to focus on negatives, and no one thinks it's hypocritical to say nice things that may not quite be true. I would try to choke it back and make as warm and as nice a toast as I could. Start by thanking your hosts and saying how lovely everything is. Then thank all your family and friends from sharing this milestone with you. Now you're halfway through! But eventually you have to say something to the couple, I know. If you simply can't say that you love Petunia and you are so glad your son chose her, perhaps tell a sweet story about when he was a little boy, or pass on a story or bit of wisdom from your own marriage, or how you knew that he was in love with her, or something like that. Then wish them many years of health and happiness -- I assume you do wish that! -- and you are done. Good luck. I hope it turns out better than you fear.
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sweet_pea10
14 years ago
When the reception is small and held at a restaurant, dancing rarely occurs. After dinner they will cut their cake and you can have toasts and allow guests to visit with one another, as Gellchom mentioned. You may want to ask someone to serve as an MC (maybe the best man) to direct people's attention to the cake cutting and to facilitate the toasts. He wouldn't be expected to say much, but he can guide things. Anyone who has a good voice (I assume there will be no microphone) and who doesn't mind speaking in public can serve as MC.

As a wedding planner, I find that restaurants don't expect groups to stay as long as you might if you were having the dinner at a hotel or event center, so a shorter reception works well at a place like that. If you were to have dancing and stay for several hours, the restaurant might not be too happy.

It sounds like a relaxed family time - my kind of wedding.
sheilajoyce_gw
14 years ago
If the bride's parents are the hosts of the wedding, it is nice to hear from one of them to thank everyone for coming to share their special day. Then say something about the lovely couple, either a special memory, or what the future promises, or some family story.

I remember the story my DH planned to share -- when we knew this was a serious romance. DD came home from San Francisco for Thanksgiving to tell us about this young man she had met in September. She told the story of her group bar hopping in the city one night and meeting up with other friends. She discovered that everyone else had had their dinner, but she had not. She was worried how to get some food as the bar did not serve food, so our now son-in-law suggested they go down the street and get her a pizza. But she was worried that everyone else would hop on to the next bar, and he assured her that they would still be there when they got back. So there they sat at the pizza parlor at a table just large enough to hold the pizza pan and not her drink. Thus he held her coke for her as she ate her pizza and sipped the coke. I knew as soon as I heard this story that this was her Mr. Wonderful.

Then the groom's father got up and told a darling story about his son as a boy -- how he was good at catching frogs and none ever got away from him. He tied it into catching a wonderful girl.
User
14 years ago
My sister held her reception in a private room in a lovely French restaurant. The only music was provided by a woman playing the harp. It was all sit-down except for the toasting, no dancing. It was a wonderful evening following a beautiful wedding.

It's their wedding. Let them do what makes them happy. Guests go with the flow.
marcsgirl425
14 years ago
I was gonna say if somebody wanted to dance to just get up and do it lol everybody could just mingle otherwise i mean just because they don't want a "first dance" where it's just them and the bridal party doesn't mean they won't dance at ALL

Bride and Groom refuse to dance at reception

Comments (6)

gellchom

chinchilla_queen
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Bride and Groom refuse to dance at reception

Comments (6)

gellchom

chinchilla_queenOriginal Author

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chinchilla_queen
Original Author