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How do you invite some, but not all?

Posted by annaneaves (My Page) on
Wed, Aug 10, 05 at 13:49

I want a small wedding, but I have a somewhat large extended family. I'm not close to most of them, and I don't really want to invite them. However... There are two or three cousins that I am somewhat close with, and would like to invite. Is it possible/okay to invite a few cousins, but none of my aunts or uncles? What about inviting one cousin, but not her siblings? How can I work this so people don't get upset? Or should I just leave the cousins out altogether? It wouldn't be the end of the world If I didn't invite them, but it would be nice to see them there if its possible.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: How do you invite some, but not all?

It helps to have a specific rule, for example, we are only inviting first cousins or closer. The problem is with inviting some in the same family but not others (except for inviting adults only and no little kids). Presumably those cousins are the children of your aunts and uncles? That makes it hard.


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RE: How do you invite some, but not all?

Ah, weddings. A time of joy and sharing, the coming together of two hearts as one. The excitement of planning the perfect day to begin your life journey together.

Yeah, right. You get over that fantasy around day 2. Planning a wedding can be very challenging and no matter what you do or think or say, someone will find fault with it. Some will be insulted and indignant and talk behind your back. Some will tell you to your face what they think. But everyone has an opinion and it won't necessarily agree with yours.

You can try and be fair, like Mary_md7 says, but in your case that doesn't sound possible. Skipping over aunts and uncles and inviting SOME cousins is sure to start trouble with someone.

But, that said, it's your wedding and you should be able to have it anyway you want. Only you know how the news will be accepted in your family. Only you know what the lasting effects of your decision will be.

I really feel for you, good luck on whatever you decide.


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RE: How do you invite some, but not all?

"You get over that fantasy around day 2"

Haha! Actually for me it was Day 1. As soon as I looked at how many poeple are in my family all the ideas I had went out the window. (LOL Well, not quite)

I think I'm going to end up cutting the cousins out totally. I don't want to cause a rift, and I think inviting some cousins is going to cause me more headache than its worth. I'm not even sure that some of the cousins I'd invite would come.

I'm really having fun so far planning this... although I've barely started... I can't wait to go dress shopping!!!


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RE: How do you invite some, but not all?

ha ha. at least you have the option of not inviting family. i'm not really all that close with most of my family either but as our parents are paying for the wedding, family must be invited.... after i got done with family, there was no room on the guest list for my friends....


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RE: How do you invite some, but not all?

My Mom is VERY supportive of the small wedding idea (and well she should be since she is paying for most of it) She knows that I am not close with my extended family and said herself "If they are mad cause you didn't invite them, well.... no they won't be mad, because they probably won't come anyway!!!"

Also I know for a fact many of them will be happy to not feel obligated to buy a gift.
Many of my relatives (especially the ones I am close to) are low-income.


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RE: How do you invite some, but not all?

I feel for you. In my family, if you just invite aunts & uncles,and first cousins and their SOs, it's about 65 people. And we're on good terms with a lot of our second and third cousins. Although the wedding where one of my first cousins married one of our third cousins was a bit weird--we all knew everyone at the reception!

Etiquette says that you have to have a "group" of people that you don't invite--no cousins, no second cousins, no one under 16, etc. It is not kosher to create a group such as "no first cousins from Mom's side of the family who have 5 bratty children" that is clearly designed to eliminate one or two people.

Perhaps you could invite the cousins you do like to a party at your place once the honeymoon is over. You could have the wedding pictures out for people to look at, but just make it a party to celebrate the good things about your new family.


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RE: How do you invite some, but not all?

If you have a thicker skin (which most of us do not like to admit we- including me- don't) we invite who we want. It's our weddings and we plan them t enjoy the day. The problem with that is we don't have thick skins and we don't enjoy the planning because we allow others to feel hurt when we all know they shouldn't and in turn we are hurt. It's just a vicious circle.

I invited who I wanted and i didn't invite who I didn't want to. But I had to be willing to "suffer" the repercussions fr a very long time. I had to decide if it were worth it. It my case, I said yes. That may or may not be the case for you.


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RE: How do you invite some, but not all?

"we allow others to feel hurt when we all know they shouldn't"

What does that mean? If someone feels excluded or humiliated because, say, all the other first cousins were invited, she has no right to feel hurt? Or that she "shouldn't" feel hurt because it's "your wedding" and you should plan it "to enjoy the day" -- meaning, consider no one's feelings but your own? Weren't you ever hurt because you weren't invited to a wedding or party? Did you just feel all warm inside and say to yourself, "Oh, it makes me feel so good to know that they're planning Their Day the way they want it?"

Just because our weddings are our weddings -- obviously -- doesn't mean that we have a license to disregard others' feelings. I'm not certainly not saying that everyone has to invite everyone to whom they are related, or everyone who might hope to receive an invitation. But at the same time, I don't agree that others don't have a right to feel hurt if they are slighted just because it is Our Day, and we are The Bride and Groom. Guests, attendants, families, and friends have feelings even on others' wedding days, and brides and grooms don't have some sort of special, one-time exemption from considering others' feelings and being kind and gracious.

Again, I stress that I'm not saying that the OP, or anyone else, has to invite anyone. In fact, it's almost impossible to invite everyone we know we probably should, and even when we could, for various reasons, we don't (that includes me). I just think it's going too far to claim that people "shouldn't" feel hurt if they are excluded on what is obviously a "merit" system, not some objective basis like "only first cousins" or "no one under 18."

Inviting whom you please doesn't make you Bridezilla -- but declaring that only your feelings should matter would.


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RE: How do you invite some, but not all?

"It's our weddings and we plan them t enjoy the day. "

Barf.


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RE: How do you invite some, but not all?

Here are some options for you.
A)Invite Everyone to the ceremony.
Invite only the ones you want to the reception - it's important to let these people know that only they are invited to the reception. If you're doing this for budget reasons - your family SHOULD understand.

B)Have you considered having your wedding in location at least 4 hours away? Your closest relatives will make the drive, the others won't.

C)Passing the word that you want a small wedding and only some will be invited. AND living with the repercussions.

D) Sometimes a wedding is a great relationship revival.
You have the opportunity to reconnect with family and be closer


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