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Destination wedding rehearsal dinner guests???

15 years ago

We are getting married in Mexico in January. Who do we have to the rehearsal dinner as everybody who is a relative is traveling to get there???

Comments (6)

sheilajoyce_gw
15 years ago
The rehearsal dinner is the groom's family's party, and the decision as to number of guests is theirs too. Originally, the rehearsal dinner included only the parents and those in the wedding, with their spouses. Nowadays, it is often a dinner to which the groom's family invites more relatives or maybe even all of the out of town guests who have already arrived. It is up to them as to how many they want to entertain, and where. Some rehearsal dinners are at lovely restuarants, while others are beach or backyard BBQs. It is part of the whole wedding weekend and helps get everyone acquainted before the BIG DAY, which is nice.
talley_sue_nyc
15 years ago
I think it's quite possible that with a destination wedding, there is a higher expectation of everybody being included in all events.

One option, though, could be to have the smallest possible short event just for the wedding party, and then a larger night-before-the-wedding dinner.
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Thanks, Talley Sue, that's exactly what I meant. That's really interesting; I had no idea that professional (as in outside, not in terms of their professionalism) musicians were rare at church weddings. What happens when the wedding is held not at a church, but at a hotel or restaurant or some other "event space"? Please forgive my ignorance. I really am just curious, not criticizing. As we don't use an organ, we don't have an "in-house" musician to play processionals, so everyone hires someone to play while the guests are being seated and then for the processional and recessional. Often a violin and flute and/or piano, or guitar and flute. Once every never, a harp. That's why I really was surprised at the idea that the outside musicians (NOT volunteering friends and family) would even be at the rehearsal at all. Most musicians have a two-hour minimum charge, and I was surprised that people would pay that just to have them at a rehearsal -- the musicians don't need it. Also, I can imagine that if your rehearsal were on a Friday or Saturday night, they would not want to give up a potential full evening gig for a rehearsal.
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Oh, monablair, that sounds perfect. Don't give it another thought. It will all be just fine. Consider omitting the designation "cocktail party" on your invitation -- just write something like "Please join us for drinks and a light supper" or whatever you think is as close as you dare to calling it "dinner" without offending the groom's parents. If you know your menu, that might make it even easier -- "Cocktails and pasta bar," or "wine and cheese" or whatever. Even if you are just serving appetizers, I would make them substantial and plentiful enough to serve as supper for those who weren't at the dinner. If I were invited for "cocktails and hors d'oeuvre" at 7:30, I would make that my supper and not think it was scanty -- especially if there will be a big meal the next day at the wedding reception. I wish I were invited! I have no doubt that YOU are going to do this with great elegance and charm. Have fun!
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I'm a MOG this year, too -- No, etiquette doesn't require you to serve alcohol. But -- and this depends upon your group; you know them, I don't -- some people may be disappointed. And although we and our crowd aren't big drinkers, I have to admit that alcohol does tend to make a party more festive and fun. Do they require you to have a full bar or nothing? See if you can negotiate. A limited drinks menu is much cheaper, both for the alcohol and for the number of servers needed. Our plans aren't finalized yet, but I am figuring on beer, wine, sangria, and perhaps a signature cocktail at the "rehearsal" dinner. (I put the quotes in because it's just a big, casual party for all the out of town guests the night before the wedding -- the rehearsal will have been the day before.) We will probably have 150 people (all our many relatives are out of towners).
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Around here, the wedding party (and spouses, and often whole families) and all the out of town guests are invited to the rehearsal dinner (and any other "auxilliary" events). If a lot of the out-of-town guests are relatives, they and the in-town relatives are going to want to be together, so people invite the in-town relatives, too (I guess if that is a zillion people, you could limit to close relatives). In fact, in our community, the whole point isn't so much a "rehearsal" as a less fancy, fun way to entertain the out-of-towners, usually hosted by the groom's family, to allow them a chance to be the hosts. It's usually really fun -- lots of toasts and funny stories (that would really bog a wedding reception down if they went on too long) and getting to know each other. It's nice to invite the officiant, but you don't have to. I am a clergy wife, and I can tell you that we are pleased to be invited and not offended if we aren't -- the opposite of the wedding and reception itself, by the way, to which you really should invite the officiant and spouse, especially if it is the clergy from your congregation as opposed to, say, a JP you hire for the day and didn't even know. Don't worry -- at least in our case, we don't attend anywhere near every rehearsal dinner or reception to which we are invited; just the ones where we feel close to the family and think we probably would have been invited "anyway." You don't need to invite your caterer, photographer, or other vendors, although of course you can if you want. I guess the difference is that the officiant is sort of a member of the wedding party.
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sweet_pea10
15 years ago
When I have coordinated destination weddings, we often have a small rehearsal dinner two days before the wedding even if the rehearsal isn't held that day. It is possible to have the rehearsal in the morning the day before the wedding rather than in the evening. That way, you take advantage of time when many of the guests have not yet arrived so you have more time to spend later in the day with the larger group. Then, the evening before the wedding we usually have a large casual dinner of some type for all of the guests. The rehearsal dinner is for just the wedding party, parents and siblings and may be a bit more upscale than the dinner the night before the wedding.
gellchom
15 years ago
If everyone will already be there, I would invite them all.

I am part of a community that always invites all out of towners to the rehearsal dinner (or whatever the "night before" party is called) anyway, and I know that that is not true in every community.

But for a destination wedding? These guests have spent a lot of money and possibly used a good chunk of their vacation time to come to your wedding. To me, anyone who cares about you enough to do that is close enough to be the "inner circle" invited to the rehearsal dinner. It's not like they can stay home. What are they supposed to do instead? Arrange and pay for a restaurant dinner, then spend the rest of the evening sitting in their hotel rooms while you party? If I were one of your relatives, I would be stunned not to be invited to all the parties (and I would feel embarassed, as though the hosts never really expected or wanted me to accept the invitation).

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh. Obviously, you can do whatever you want. But remember, you cannot dictate how your guests will feel about it. Do you really want even one of your guests to be thinking, "They think it's okay for me to spend hundreds of dollars to come to Mexico, just so they could have a 'destination wedding,' but I'm not worth the price of supper to them?"
mellnikm_hotmail_com
12 years ago
I think that it is perfectly fine to only invite certain people to a rehearsal dinner for destination weddings. Destination weddings are generally in fun locations, and the expectation is that guests will make a vacation out of it. Guests have to take some responsibility for making the most out of their trips and not sitting in their hotel rooms. It is not your responsibility to enterain all guests the entire time, though you may want to point them in some directions of recommended sites for meals, drinks, shopping, and entertainment for their stay. I think as long as your cut-off is justified then there is really no problem (if one uncle is invited then all aunts/uncles should be, etc). I have been to several destination weddings where I have not gone to the rehearsal dinner, and I don't see anything wrong with that. In fact, I am sometimes happy to have the down time to explore what the area has to offer rather than being booked the entire time. Guests can't expect you to throw two weddings, which in essence would be what you would be doing by inviting everyone, especially if your rehearsal dinner is formal, as mine is.
TheAlternativeBride
12 years ago
Wedding etiquette says that out-of-town guests have to be invited to your rehearsal dinner in addition to your wedding party and immediate family. So if you're having a destination wedding, well, everyone is an out-of-towner unfortunately...

If you feel that's too pricey, here's what I would do:

1. Plan a cheap dinner. Do pizza delivery by the pool. Everyone can come and everyone will have fun.

2. Have a smaller rehearsal dinner, but plan a gathering for the other guests who aren't invited. Think board games, beach olympics, sightseeing tour... That way even though they can't come to the rehearsal dinner, they'll still appreciate your thoughtfulness.

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