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Thinking of Eloping...

Posted by Lauraeli (My Page) on
Mon, Jul 14, 14 at 3:08

Life story, shortened.

I am engaged to the best friend Ive ever had. We were best friends before we were in a relationship.

I have been married before...

I was young and naive, he was abusive. One night, he came home angry... and choked me against the refrigerator. After falling to the floor, I finally chose life and broke free. I literally ran out the door, down the street...and never went back.

I really disliked my first wedding. I had very little say in anything that went on. It was exactly like going to somebody else's wedding, as the bride.

Later, I became allergic to my wedding ring, until I could not wear it anymore.

Well, a wedding is supposed to be magical, exciting- filled with hope and promises. A marriage is supposed to be a partnership. Mine was none of those things.

I did not understand about love until I met the man who is now my fiance...

Now, as much as I want to be his wife, I cannot handle the thought of another wedding. Surrounded mostly by people you never see. People who are there for the food and the free alcohol. Staring like it's their eyes, only, that create and allow our love to exist. As though love must be paraded and accepted to be real. I cant be happy under the weight of a hundred eyes.

He is the best thing that ever happened to me...I dont WANT to flaunt this. I just want it to be my own.

If I did not consider, for a single second, the wishes of others, I would run away with him and be married in some beautiful, far away place. Nothing would make me happier.

But it is inevitable that others would be offended by that decision. My fiance's mother, for one. She is so traditional, and I am far from it...as much as i like her, I cant create a wedding I dont want, just to appease her. Can I?


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Thinking of Eloping...

Well, you need at least two witnesses; why not take your future MIL aside, explain your feelings and then invite her to be in an exclusive group of two at your wedding in a beautiful far away place? With luck she'll be flattered you asked her and be happy to go along with your plans.


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RE: Thinking of Eloping...

Of course :-) that could be a great compromise. It wouldnt be an exciting wedding, or anything. It would be quiet, and intimate. But, I suppose if it were just a couple people there, I could figure something out.

Maybe I will tell her, plan an elaborate reception for when we get home. Everything about parties exhausts me. But I wouldnt mind it so much, as long as he and I had some quiet time together, to enjoy being married, before the crowds and excitement hits.

Honeymoon first, reception after? Does that even make sense?


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RE: Thinking of Eloping...

It's your wedding. Do what YOU want. Your MIL had her wedding. This one is yours.

Spending your life trying to make other people is not healthy and, ultimately, you will never succeed. Someone will always want more and you will end up paying the price. Been there and it's not pretty.

You say nothing would make you happier than eloping. Make yourself happy and your marriage will be happy.

Have a happy wedding and let us know how it goes!

Linda


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RE: Thinking of Eloping...

So you should totally do what you want but you also have to factor in what you can live with the aftermath of.....

My husband and I wanted a very intimate wedding. My parents wanted a spectacle, with me inviting all their relatives and co-workers because they 'owed' them an invite.
So I had a destination wedding. Not like the kind you read about nowadays because it was 25 years ago, but I got married in a remote area of Maine that you can only drive to and it takes at least 5 hours from the nearest airport. That really limits the number of people who want to come. I sent out Announcements, not invitations, and the announcements explained we had chosen a location special to us and ALL were welcome and we would help anyone who wanted to come with figuring out logistics. I explained we understood that many would be unable to make the trip and that we understood and only asked for their warm wishes for our happiness.
I live far from most of them, but when I travel for family events I do still, occasionally, get a bit of grief over it, 25 years later, but I am tough.

I like the idea of inviting your Mother in Law and you could do it by not telling her what you were even inviting her to. At the right moment you could explain, with the underlying message of 'of course we would never get married without YOU with us"

I also saw something once, it might have been on 'say yes to the dress' where the bride didnt want any of the pressure of planning a wedding and trying to please every one so she had a 'surprise wedding' Her friends and family were invited to a party to celebrate an award that she had been presented at work, they got 2 weeks notice. People were mingling around, curtains opened, there was the 'stage' with the group and the Justice of the Peace, the wedding march began and so did the wedding...


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RE: Thinking of Eloping...

A surprise wedding, that's hilarious! Of course, you would still get in trouble with the people who couldnt be bothered to show for something less monumental than a wedding.


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RE: Thinking of Eloping...

Lauraeli, if you want to elope then do so. Don't think twice about it. That is what my younger brother and his now wife did years and years ago. They went to Hawaii for vacation and came back married. They eloped. No one thought the less of them for it. We were just happy for them both. No reception afterward either. The bride, like you didn't want all the attention. It was my brother's 2nd marriage so he didn't mind not having a "real wedding" at all. So do what you want to do. Do what makes you and your fiance happy. Start your life together off on the right foot. Be happy, congratulations and best wishes to you both! NancyLouise


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RE: Thinking of Eloping...

My guess is your fiancé was never married before and this is why his mother would be upset?

I am not in the least opposed to eloping. I did it. Both hubby and I had been married before and already had been living together for a number of years. We just didn't feel the need for a big to-do. We dressed up nicely and bought a beautiful floral arrangement to set on the hearth of our fireplace. We were married in front of our fireplace by a JP. So they wouldn't let the cat out of the bag, I tricked a friend and her husband (professional photographers) I to coming to the house to take some "family pictures" which turned into wedding pictures. And they were our witnesses.

The two of us later went to a high end restaurant to celebrate. On the way to the airport that night, we mailed lovely wedding announcements that mentioned we had honeymooned in Cancun. When we got home, our wedding photos were ready.

Our friends and family were not the least bit put off. In your case, from what you shared, I'm not sure your MIL and some others would be as delighted though. I think asking her if she'd like to host a party or backyard BBQ at a later date is a great idea. It is wise, kind and mature that you are taking her feelings into consideration. She is going to be your MIL hopefully for a long time.

I'm sorry your first wedding was such a disappointment, but all weddings are not like that! You are older and wiser now and in control of your own destiny here. You've gotten some good ideas here and I'm confident you'll come up with a good plan.

Congratulations on marrying your best friend!


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RE: Thinking of Eloping...

Hope MIL comes along when you run. It's not a matter of establishing new traditions, it's what YOU want. Eloping, to me, is sneaking away, unannounced to anyone. Plan your private event, then mail out reception invitations the day you leave for a month later..Extravagant is not necessary. Best wishes for a happy future together.


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RE: Thinking of Eloping...

I think you are okay to elope if you and your fiance both want that.

But I also think you will not be sorry if you choose to have a small, intimate wedding -- I mean really small, like your immediate families and possibly a couple of close friends.

I wouldn't bring up your unhappiness in your first marriage or your disappointment in your first wedding. That just invites people to want to "get it right for you" this time all the more.

Nor would I talk about your feelings of wanting to be alone with your guy. That sounds romantic from your point of view, but from theirs, it sounds like you think of them as annoyances or just a bunch of eyes or mooches. It's also insulting to those who have had or attended big weddings.

Remember too that although of course it is more important to you two than anyone else, and your feelings are more important than anyone else's on this, it's also important to others. Your fiance is someone's son, someone's brother, someone's grandchild. His wedding day is a big day for them, too. So of course they care and want to be there (and, really, aren't you glad they do?).

Is this your fiance's first marriage? Is he close with his family? What does HE want? You haven't said one word about that. You said, "If *I* did not consider, for a single second, the wishes of *others*, I would run away with him and be married in some beautiful, far away place. Nothing would make *me* happier. But it is inevitable that *others* would be offended by that decision." Is he one of those "others"? What would make HIM happy - your best friend, who is the best thing that ever happened to you?

That doesn't mean you shouldn't elope, just that you need to think about these things more and your first wedding and marriage less. Your fiance's feelings are relevant; your allergy to your first wedding ring isn't.

I think the first thing you need to do is to talk to your future husband. Tell him your feelings. LISTEN to his.

Then, when the two of you know what you want, talk to his family. Don't go into the whole drama, just tell them that you are uncomfortable with a second big wedding, and work together to find something that is good for all of you. If they are disappointed because they want a big wedding, don't argue with them or try to persuade them -- acknowledge that disappointment, sympathize, and ask for their help and support in doing it the way that works best for you both. And make sure you tell them how glad you are to be joining their family.

If they want to give a big party to celebrate, then cooperate graciously. Don't let your feelings like those in your ninth paragraph show. Consider that your guy's family -- your new family -- may not just be there to eat and drink and stare at you as if that's what makes you married. Maybe they love and support you.

Whatever you decide, just be nice about how you handle it, and everything will be fine, even if some people are disappointed. Remember, it's the marriage that's important, not the wedding.

Good luck!


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RE: Thinking of Eloping...

I agree that your (meaning both bride and groom) wedding should be as you want it, not your MIL or anybody else. However, from a mom's point of view, if she will not butt in too much, please don't exclude her from at least being present.

When you marry another person, you do marry their family as well, so why start off on the wrong foot, with hurt feelings? Without compromising your very strong feelings about a wedding, please at least let her be there to see her son get married. This is a milestone not only for the bride and groom, but for parents as well. Eloping and telling her about it later is a bit cruel. You may even find yourself in her position some day, so treat your MIL as you would want to be treated. (Wow, that's kind of catchy - haven't I heard that somewhere before?)


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RE: Thinking of Eloping...

Because it was not otherwise stated- yes, my fiance agrees with me.

He didnt say WHY he agrees. But I have known him to occasionally have an anxiety attack in groups of people, especially if he feels like people are looking at him. He just walks off and leaves. I have seen him get that way around his family, as well, with family members he doesnt see often. I cant imagine how he would feel standing at the alter, all eyes on him.

Even with the most perfect, fairytale wedding, I would be looking for my escape about halfway through. We both would. Runaway bride and groom, I can see it now...

Everybody would be looking for us, and we'd be off goofing around by ourselves. Not really social butterflies, but d@mn if we arent the same people.


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RE: Thinking of Eloping...

Okay, good, you know he is on the same page.

But you don't even know why he feels that way. You need to talk about it.

And then it is time to talk to the families. Keep the focus on the intimate wedding you want, not what you don't like about big weddings.

I agree with scarlett. Unless it's really a big issue for you, do let at least the parents attend. It means a lot to them.


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