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Help! Major decision to make...

Posted by froggy05 (My Page) on
Wed, Jul 14, 04 at 0:13

...my best friend just got engaged, and she is my maid of honor. I went wedding gown shopping with her today and our other friend. This other friend, lets call her Jenna, met my best friend through me...basically I introduced them to each other way back. Well MY best friend chose Jenna as her MOH not me...
I am REALLY REALLY hurt and upset, and now questioning wether she is really my best friend and if I should ask her not to be my MOH. I am not sure how to go about this and what to do even. I am so hurt and upset...I don't want to ruin her wedding or mine, but at htis point I don't even want to go to hers. Her wedding is in Sept, because her fiance just enlisted in the army...
Best frined said the reason she chose Jenna is becasue I'm moving out of state and Jenna is closer, and Jenna is married already, so "she has more experience with planning weddings"...I think this is an awful reason but whatever...
I told my FH and he is really hurt and upset too, he feels I should chose another MOH because he thinks what my best friend did is "shitty". (Excuse the language)
Help me please! I'm not sure as to what to do.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Help! Major decision to make...

Froggy, I can feel you're hurting, but please try to let it go......
I doubt your best friend chose Jenna as her MOH to hurt your feelings. Even if you think her reasons are weak, they are still HER reasons, and that's the way SHE feels about it. Perhaps she even felt that she was sparing you a hassle, what with the out-of-state thing.
Friendship isn't a "everyone must feel exactly the same way" thing. People I would consider MY best friends no doubt have other friends they consider THEIR best friends. I don't feel insulted or hurt by this, we all have different reasons for choosing those we like/love and it doesn't have to be equal to be valid.
The sets of friends of each person are like overlapping circles, some friends are mutual and others are not.
Your best friend is YOUR best friend, and that she chose Jenna doesn't necessarily mean she considers Jenna a better friend (though if she does, that still doesn't preclude her from being YOUR best friend, am I clearer than mud?), but that she considers Jenna a "better fit" for the MOH position, for the reasons she gave you.
My MOH was married about 9 months before I was (though my wedding was well into the planning stages), and her (sole attendant)MOH was someone else, someone I didn't even know. Was I hurt or upset? To be honest, it didn't occur to me that I should be. I was thrilled to be at the wedding as a guest. Over twenty years later we are still best friends and though we don't see each other often, due to living in different towns, every time we get back together it's like we were never apart. Do I regret not being her MOH? I hadn't even considered it until now, and...no. I don't even know if she still keeps in touch with her MOH. I lost touch with mine soon after the wedding. I think of her from time to time, and make plans to actually get in touch, but I haven't been sufficiently motivated to do so.
Being MOH is vastly overrated, in my opinion. Putting such a high value on being chosen is unwise. It's an honour, but to NOT be chosen is not a slur. Think of the Nobel prize winners. Winning a Nobel is a great honour, but not winning one does not make all the other great scientists chopped liver :-). Only one prize in each category can be awarded, and the judges have to chose among pretty well equally great contenders. We don't know the reasons the judges used. Perhaps different judges would have chosen other winners. But the ones not chosen are no less great for not being chosen.
So don't feel upset. Go along to your friend's wedding and be happy. Be happy for her. Be happy you're wearing a nice outfit you chose :-) Be happy you can sit at a table with your FH. Be happy you don't have to organise anything. Just be happy :-)


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RE: Help! Major decision to make...

Ditto what Colleen said.
This is why I chose my sister as my MOH, so there would be no hurt feelings, or no loss of friendship afterwards.
Try to let go of this, and be happy for your friend, and be there in whatever capacity she wants you for.
And personally, after going thru the whole wedding planning fiasco, I'd be dancing for joy if someone chose someone instead of me to help plan another wedding! LOL
Penny


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RE: Help! Major decision to make...

Maybe she chose not to have you be MOH because you already have your own wedding to plan. Trust me I stepped down from being my friends MOH because my wedding is a month after hers but she wanted me to be available every weekend for her 2 months before her wedding because she had stalled on her wedding planning. She is also now upset with me because she planned a camping trip for her bachlorette party but being as I am 6 months pregnant I don't feel like roughing it with a bunch of girls that panic when the power goes out. (I'm not trying to be mean, they all love camping but they seem to forget that the men always do everything out camping.)


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RE: Help! Major decision to make...

Some people look at the bridal party as a ranked list of their closest friends. Some people look at the bridal party as wedding servants. Sometimes the two jobs conincide, but sometimes they don't. It sounds like you consider MOH to be strictly the "best friend" position, and she considers it the "wedding helper" position, and doesn't think you qualify for that, since you're moving.

Personally I think that it is better to put the people you love in the bridal party and hire a coordinator to do the work. But there are a lot of people who feel differently, so I guess in your position, I would just try to be understanding of that point of view.


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RE: Help! Major decision to make...

You all make a good point, after reading your responses talking to my mom and my future MIL and my fiance and my little sister, I decided to tell her that I can not have her stand up for me at my wedding becasue she onbviously doesn't value our friendship as much as I did...it wouldn't feel right ot me having her as my MOH when i am so hurt...she will just remind me of that. Ultimately I realize its just one day and that it is a lot of work for the MOH but to be honest with you all, I've helped more in her wedding plans even before they got engaged, and i helped chose her ring, that i felt I deserved the honor to stand up there wiht her...i guess i over estimated. Its ok, I'm over it now...I understand why she didn't chose me, but I'm still hurt, and no amount of apologies will make that better. She asked me to be a bridesmaid, but I said no...I already feel like second choice, I really don't need to be in the wedding its too hurtful...as for the decision of not going, its more financial. I'll be living in south dakota and her wedding will be in lake tahoe, NV...long and expensive flight that frankly I don't want to shell out money for just to be a guest...I'd rather not go.
Thank you all for all your help with this...i'm glad I have this site...i'm leaving california tomorrow morning and i wnated to resolve this before i leave...ugh, why does everything happen in the last minute...


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RE: Help! Major decision to make...

froggy, I know that you're hurt about your MOH's choice, but I'm begging you to reconsider your decision of asking her to step down. Does it really mean that much to you that you will end a friendship over it?

To me, it sounds like whatever reason your MOH chose, you wouldn't have been happy with anything but the MOH position. It was her decision to make, but that doesn't mean that she values your friendship any less. Anita is right, it all depends on how she views the role of a MOH. Personally, I think it's far more work than it's worth.

Be the bigger person by at least keeping her as your MOH.

Just my opinion.

Andrea :o)


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RE: Help! Major decision to make...

Aren't you going to lose your friendship with this girl if you fire her as your maid of honor and don't attend her wedding? Is it really worth that?

Please reconsider... there is an age at which having "best friends" isn't a very good idea anymore. I have felt jealous when my closest friends have had closer relationships with other people. It is only natural. But jealousy is an emotion that, if you can make a conscious choice to face it and reject it, you will be a happier, more confident person.

Personally, I didn't chose a maid of honor because I didn't want to pick one of my friends as the "best" one. I just had my four bridesmaids, plus one friend who would have been a bridesmaid but couldn't make it from overseas. They had all been my closest friends at different times in my life.

I think that those of us who are engaged or married are extremely lucky because we DO get to have a best friend for life, who we are closest to and love above all others. But with our platonic friends, it is a lot easier if we can accept the fluidity of friendships, and be happy with people as they are instead of looking to them for validation that they can't always give.


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RE: Help! Major decision to make...

Froggy, do what is in your heart. Just know that you could severe all friendly ties with your best friend if you ask her to step down as your MOH. It seems like you should talk to her about your feelings. Maybe she didn't realize that you would want to be MOH. Being MOH can be a lot of work. Obviously, she cares for you very much - she asked you to be a bridesmaid. If Jenna is married, she could be her Matron of Honor, you could be the Maid of Honor. You should let her choose who she wants for her wedding party. You should choose who you want.

My best friend selected me to be her Maid of Honor when she got married. I didn't expect it (she had some female cousins that she is close to). When I became engaged I was VERY concerned about selecting my bridal party. I didn't want my best friend to be hurt, but I have an older sister who I really wanted to be my Matron of Honor. I didn't know what to do. Because of the stress of hurting my friend, I asked her to be my co-Matron of Honor with my sister. My friend told me "Oh, that is wonderful! I am so happy, but I would have been happy just to be a bridesmaid because I know you have a sister!". They were both my MOHs, but I had my sister stand besides me and walk in last. My best friend was a wonderful MOH - she helped me get ready and fixed my veil. It was perfect. I was so happy to have them both stand up for me. The thing is a great friend is a great friend. I know that my best friend would have still done all those things for me even if she was "just" a bridesmaid. She is just a generous and thoughtful person - a true friend. Don't worry so much about labels. But, do what is in your heart.

I have a feeling that you are hurt because of other reasons, not just because you weren't choosen to be the MOH - perhaps this is just the last straw in a friendship that hasn't been as supportive as you have wanted.


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RE: Help! Major decision to make...

I'd probably feel exactly as you do, and would want to do exactly as you do. It's hurtful when someone you consider to be very close seemingly doesn't feel as close to you.

However, I'd try to step back for awhile, maybe a week or two. Consider what I'd be losing if I made an issue of this - quite likely you'll lose her as a friend if you do what you're thinking.

Before you do anything serious, talk to her. Just explain that it hurt you when your maid of honor didn't choose you to be *her* maid of honor. That's it. Then see what she says.


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RE: Help! Major decision to make...

Its funny really...you all on this board are telling me exactly the opposite of what my family is telling me. I guess AutumnBride hit it right on the spot, in that it is not about who is chosen as the MOH there are more things for me that I haven't noticed before or brushed off as nothings, and this was the last straw...
you know somehow it does't bother me if the friendship ends, because it just occured to me that it was not a two sided mutual frinedship to begin with. She has not helped me with ANYTHING in the wedding planning process, I think I put more effort and caring into it than she did...
I'm sorry that it came to this, and really I considered keeping her as MOH but the way she told me, in front of all those ppl, and Jenna, in the bridal shop was very embarrasing and hurtful...so no, I don't think she is a true friend she didn't even have the nerve to tell me privately...and I can't imagine myself on my wedding day with her next to me, it will remind me of yesterday and how my heart broke when my best friend told me in front of 20 some ppl that i was not good enough to honor her on her special day...seriously girls, would you let that go??? I doubt most of you would answer yes...


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RE: Help! Major decision to make...

I can tell how much this is hurting you. But I have to agree with the others: please, please, at least take more time so that you can make this decision with a cool head. If there is one thing I have learned in my life, it is that EVERYTHING LOOKS DIFFERENT LATER. Absolutely everything.

Yes, your family knows you, and we don't. But on the other hand, they have to live with their advice to you, and we don't (is it possible they are afraid you will be mad if they don't tell you what they think you want to hear? I don't know; I'm just wondering if it's a possibility). Sometimes an outside opinion can be more objective.

I am not saying that she did the right thing. Please understand that. But I have to agree with the other posters -- and do you see the unanimity here? -- that you may feel very different after the hurt wears off even just a little, let alone after a year or two passes and weddings and wedding parties no longer seem like the biggest things in the world. As hard as it is to believe right now -- and we've all been there, so believe me, we know -- sooner than you can think, when you are on to other things that are interesting, the whole notion of being a MOH or anything like that won't seem important at all.

But friendship still will. Remember, you can never make a new old friend.

I know your feelings are very hurt, but do try to get some perspective. Don't let her choice of attendants be about how much she values your friendship. It just plain isn't about that. The other posters have suggested lots of other reasons. Besides, it's her wedding -- it isn't about you. She doesn't need to have a good reason for her choices. Perhaps you had some complaints or reports of hurt feelings from others with regard to your own choices? Do you remember how that felt to you? And anyway, even if she just plain did the wrong thing: everyone makes mistakes (and brides are in such a whirl that they can get especially confused). She didn't do this on purpose to hurt you. Friends forgive friends for mistakes.

This is why so many people recommend sticking to family only for attendants. That's a good question to ask yourself: suppose she had a sister and asked her to be MOH -- and for that matter, just had relatives, no friends, in the wedding party. Would you still feel bad then? Your answer to that question will tell you whether you are hurt at being valued less as a friend or whether you are disappointed at not having the "honor" or fun of being a MOH.

I wish you and your friend good luck with whatever you choose.


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RE: Help! Major decision to make...

Froggy,
One of my first posts to this board was about my maid of honor. She was my suppossed best friend for 15 years before I was engaged. She was always a difficult person to get along with but I stuck by her for many different reasons. (she is bi-polar, but will not stay on her meds) When I got engaged our friendship went sour very fast. The day after we broke the news she called wanting to know why I had not asked her to be my MOH yet. I didn't want to choose her to begin with because I knew the stress and strain would increase her problems. Yet, in the end I asked her because I didn't want to deal with the aftermath of not asking her. From the beginning she has been against my relationship only because she herself can't sustain a healthy relationship. Long story short (maybe not!) she had been dating off and on and off and on one of my FI best friends and groomsman. After another fight between the 2 she announced she was backing out of the wedding. I was relieved and so was everyone else. My first choice for MOH understood the situation and glady stepped up to take her place. In the mean time my ex friend has been trying to get back into the group by dating other of my FI friends. She and the other groomsman did get back togother briefly last week and she made him call us to tell us so and that we should expect her involved in the wedding. I did not take the call. She called agin that night at 1am (drunk) and FI informed her that I did not want to talk to her...ever. Well that started a whole slew of nasty mean spirited email about how much of a Bit#$ I was, and how I am acting like I am Queen Bride, that I have no friends and that I must be desparate to have the people that I am in the wedding, and too much more to get into. That really hurt me because everything she said was so wrong. It just confirmed to me that she never was capable of being a good friend in the true sense of the word. So now she goes out, gets drunk and has strangers call me at all hours going from her teling me how horrible I am to how sorry she is. Not once has she attempted to contact me during daylight or sober hours.
I guess the point I am trying to make (and getting all this off my chest) is that it does hurt when you feel as though you are being taken for granted and not respected as a person.
The message boards are a hard place to work something like this out. None of us are there to hear the actual words. Only you know your history together, and only you can make your right choice for you.
I am 35 years old and I really thought I was beyond all of the drama that has been happening. But at least I am wise enough to know that I can't keep enabling her so she can continue to manipulate people. I think I was the first person to hold her to her word. She is famous for saying nasty things and then turning around and saying she doesn't mean them. Well she said she wasn't in my wedding and I am holding her to that.
So Froggy, I wish you well. It is so hard to have all the BS surronding YOUR happy day.
But also remember that she is entitled to her own happy day too.
I don't hate my former best friend. I just pray that she can find the peace she needs in her life.
Good Luck!


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RE: Help! Major decision to make...

When I was 18, my best friend married and asked someone else to be her MOH. I was asked to be a bridesmaid, but declined. I didn't even go to the wedding although I did attend a bit of the reception with a classmate. I was incredibly hurt about the snub and felt like I valued my friendship more than she did.

When I was 27, a good friend asked me to be her MOH with the condition that if her other friend returned from her stint in the Peace Corps in time, I would step down and she would be the MOH. Although I was initially surprised by this request, I agreed because I knew that my friend wasn't trying to be rude...it's just what made sense to her at the time.

You will do what you think is right. As long as you realize that asking her to step down will end the friendship...


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RE: Help! Major decision to make...

Have you even tried talking to your friend? Having a heart to heart with her? If not, I think you owe it to each other. Just asking her to step down without sorting out your feelings and thoughts to each other is a bit extreme, and honestly, rude. Perhaps you have already done all that...

But I do think that you will end your friendship if you act in this manner. Personally, I think it's a bit petty, but I'm sure you have your reasons, and I totally respect that.

This reminds me of high school, "she's my friend, no, she's my friend" drama.


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RE: Help! Major decision to make...

"I'm still hurt, and no amount of apologies will make that better. "

this is really sad--I wanted to cry.

And I think your reaction is validating your friend's choice. If traveling that far is so expensive that you wouldn't do it to be a guest, then it's really sort of hard to ask you to take on the expense.

Plus, if you're leaving California now, will you be able to help her at the last minute? You helped w/ the early stuff, but Jenna will be there picking up streamers, looking at the flowers at the florists', etc. Perhaps your friend feels it would be rude to Jenna to ask that of her and not honor HER.

I think if this can make you end the friendship, then it wasn't much of a friendship to begin with. It may indeed have been not what you thought.


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RE: Help! Major decision to make...

I think sometimes families don't always give the best advice at times like these. They see you're hurt and often times when we see a loved one hurt, we want to hurt the one who hurt our loved one. It's possible that this is a reason your family is telling you the opposite of what everyone here is telling you. Of course, it's also possible that they know this friend and their advice is the right advice.

I agree with everyone else here and urge you to reconsider your decision - especially without talking to her first. Just remember that though you think a MOH is the person who is your "best" friend, not everyone has that idea of MOH. Maybe what your friend feels what she needs as MOH is someone who can be there, in the same town/city, every single day to come over and hold her hand or go on frequent shopping trips with her. That's something that you wouldn't be able to do for her even though you might very well be her "best" friend as you considered her to be yours.

It does hurt when you're not chosen for something you felt you should be. But at least think about her decision maybe not being to hurt you or not pick you, but her decision being about what she needs for what may very well be a stressful time to come.

~Jordyn


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Update on all that has happened

Hello everyone!

I successfully moved and now I am a happy SOuth dakota resident living in the most adorable apartment with my fiance.

As for the whole MOH drama, I did not act rash, I though about it the whole trip out here and finally we had a heart-to heart with my "best" friend. It actually went really well considering all that has happened. I did ask her to step down because after a week of thinking about it, it still didn't feel right., Plus it turned out that they are moving as wella nd there is a chance she wouldn't make my wedding at all. I think she was releived to not have to be MOH.
So now I'm without a MOH. At this point I'm not looking. We'll see what happens.


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RE: Help! Major decision to make...

Hi Froggy...

welcome to South Dakota!!


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RE: Help! Major decision to make...

Congratulations on your move.

I hope that you and your friend will be able to get past this and be friends again, even if not right away.

Meantime, don't worry about a MOH. Just have your attendants and don't call them anything. Or choose a sister, brother (yes, of course you can have a male attendant if that is what makes sense), cousin, grandparent, godparent, (yours or your fiance's) or other relative. You won't hurt any other friends' feelings if you stick to family. You can also have two MOHs if you want -- I have often seen brides with two sisters do that.


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RE: Help! Major decision to make...

I am glad that everything worked out for you, Froggy. I am sure that your wedding will be just wonderful. Don't worry too much about titles for your attendants - just enjoy this time. I am sure that you have many people who love and support you and will step up and make sure that your receive the help you need. And, don't be afraid to ask...sometimes people don't like to intrude or presume someone needs help, so don't take not volunteering the wrong way - just speak up and I am sure someone will come forward to help! Please keep us posted!

Best wishes,
Sarah


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