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I 'm hurt, confused, feeling dumb and used!

Posted by diinohio (My Page) on
Sun, Jun 8, 08 at 19:46

Ok please tell me if I'm wrong to feel this way- My daugter is in her mid 20's. We both got invitations to her friend "Sally's" bridal shower in May. We couldn't attend and RSVP'd that we wouldn't be able to attend.

My daughter and "Sally" grew up together, attended school from Kinder-University, the whole deal, daisys, girl scouts,attending each others b-day parties, 4th of July, graduation etc. Sally spent alot of time at our house, weeks at a time and we really enjoyed having her. She's a great kid.

Well neither one of us recieved a wedding invitation even tho we knew it was sometime in June. I just thought it was a late mailing and had already bought a nice gift for the couple. My daughter finally told me that the wedding was this weekend, so last week I called Sally's mother and made arragements for me to drop her gift off at her house. Both the Mom and Dad came to greet me, the Mom accepted my gift, then said "Thank You" then " Did you get an invitation?" I said no, her husband said "I sent out all the invitations" I said I have other plans for the day since I hadn't received one so just give Sally my best. Then the mom and dad started telling me how much they paid for everything, $1,000 for the wedding planner, $2,300 for the dress,$1,200 for the cake,$25.00 per head for dinner etc. etc. We had a nice chat...I thought. As it turned out alot of people were invited to the shower but many of them weren't invited to the wedding. It took me a while to figure out what had happened. It was for the gifts! The rest for show. But not for me or others to attend. A friend also has had this happen to her.

Is this now normal? Some how I feel bamboozled,and hurt. I will never do this for my daughters wedding. If you're invited to the shower you're invited to the wedding.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: I 'm hurt, confused, feeling dumb and used!

I don't blame you for feeling bad. I agree that you don't invite people to a shower if they aren't invited to the wedding -- at least not a big or even medium-sized wedding like this appears to be; I suppose that if the wedding were very private, or overseas, or very small because of illness or death in the family or something like that, I would understand someone's wanting to make a little fuss over the bride, and I wouldn't be insulted to be invited to a shower. But it doesn't sound like that's what happened here.

Anyway, maybe you will decide to give them the benefit of the doubt that they really did send you an invitation, as she said -- or at least pretend to believe it! She did at least give you a belated invitation, it seems, although after you had made other plans.

When I got married, 2 people wanted to give me showers, and my mom asked them not to give actual showers, so they both gave lunches to which each guest brought a recipe that the hostess compiled for me. Many of the guests were not invited to the wedding. I felt a bit uncomfortable about this, even though gifts were not involved, and the guests who weren't also wedding guests were people like a childhood music teacher, my old pal's mom, my mother's friends' daughters, etc. -- none who would have expected to be invited to the wedding, just people who had seen me grow up (I hadn't lived in that city in years). What do you think? I certainly agree about showers. But do you think it is okay for the hosts to invite people to non-gifting parties (luncheon, engagement party, etc.) even if they aren't sure they will be invited to the wedding? On one hand, you don't want to make people feel snubbed, but on the other hand, there doesn't seem to be much point to keep assembling the identical group of people again and again.


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RE: I 'm hurt, confused, feeling dumb and used!

I agree. Barring certain special circumstances, it's not appropriate to invite people to the shower who won't be invited to the wedding. I find it kind of odd that the mother was asking you if you'd gotten an invitation, I guess she wasn't privy to who was on the list? And upon finding out you weren't invited, they still proceeded to give you the blow by blow on their expenses? I find the whole thing a bit bizarre!

But looking at it from your point of view. You bought the gift expecting to be invited. You realized you weren't but chose to give the gift anyway. I think that says a lot about what kind of person you are, to overlook the obvious slight and give the gift anyway.

Getting invited to the shower but not the wedding happened to me one time. The bride was from another country and I'm sure not familiar with our customs. And her wedding was in another state so I wouldn't have gone anyway. It was easy to overlook her faux pas... but the funny thing is, now, over 25 years later, I've never forgotten it.

gellchom,
To answer your question regarding non gifting parties for those not invited to the wedding, I think it might be better to give those after the wedding. That way there isn't any misunderstanding by any of the guests who might expect a wedding invitation that never comes. A pre wedding party, even a non-gifting one, sort of implies (to me) that those invited will also be invited to the wedding. I might be wrong about this so others can chime in, but that's how it would feel to me, as an invitee.
After the wedding is done, a party of this type just seems to have a slightly different connotation.

none who would have expected to be invited to the wedding
IME, weddings are funny, people get invited who think, "hmmm, wonder why I was invited?" and some people who don't get invited are surprised because they expected to be. It's sort of hard to determine who expects to be and who doesn't.

So, gellchom, did you not have any showers before the wedding?


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RE: I 'm hurt, confused, feeling dumb and used!

- her husband said "I sent out all the invitations" - one thing I have learned the hard way is never trust a guy to send out the invitations! They are probaby in his coat pocket or on the floor of his car.


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RE: I 'm hurt, confused, feeling dumb and used!

I find it strange that the mother of the bride asked if you got the invitation. It seems to me that it was a question to which she already knew the answer but that allowed her to open the discussion about invites havingbeen lost in the mail.
If she really didn't know about your not being invited, she would have simply said she was sorry you weren't able to attend the wedding.
Shower guests should be invited to the wedding.....always.


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RE: I 'm hurt, confused, feeling dumb and used!

Thanks for the response gellchom, I have read your advice to other people and you seem level headed and fair.

Just to clarify, the mother never said I was invited to the wedding or that they had sent an invitation. After she took the gift and thanked me, she just looked at me and said "did you get a wedding invitation?" I thought that was a strange thing to ask. They never implied that it had been lost in the mail, or that they expected us to be there. It was slightly embarrassing, so I said I had made other plans(this was true). It was begining to dawn on me, but sometimes I'm slow.

My daughter is furious! She's still hearing from others who weren't invited to the wedding, but sent gifts or attended the shower. She'll get over it, and I keep telling her it's the mother not Sally.

The mother has issues but I didn't want to get into all that, lets just say she has few social skills, and uses people. I was aware of that.

Gellchom, those luncheons sound fine. I would have enjoyed going to something like that, gift or not, if I knew I wasn't going to be invited to the wedding.

This was a well planned, long discussed event. So I guess I just assumed I'd be there for the wedding. It's not the issue of the gift either, she's a great gal and I would have given her a gift no matter what.

I guess I just feel she was an important part of our lives, and maybe we weren't as important in hers.

Sorry for the vent, I feel better now, and will get over myself.


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RE: I 'm hurt, confused, feeling dumb and used!

lowspark and mona-you get it! Why did the mother ask me if I had received a wedding invitation? Because she knew I wasn't invited or maybe thought she had mixed up the lists?

Scarlett thanks for the thought(once we found some of our christmas cards written and stamped in our glove box in June!) Yes DH!

The dad is a calligrapher, and does beautiful work, so I know they both had access to the list.


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RE: I 'm hurt, confused, feeling dumb and used!

Thanks for your responses, everyone (and for your kind words, diinohio. By the way, I'm in Ohio, too). I think that it is a very good idea to wait until after the wedding (if possible; sometimes geography precludes that) to have even a non-gift event that includes non-wedding guests.

Lowspark, I guess I didn't have any sit-around-and-open-gifts showers, but don't feel sorry for me. I had so many shower-like parties before our wedding -- those two luncheons (one a few months before, when I was in town, and one a few days before); a surprise brunch in Boston where I was living (that might have been supposed to be a shower, as everyone brought gifts, but unfortunately we had to leave after only an hour to take our friend to the airport -- remember, it was a surprise! -- so I don't know if they had planned for us to open the gifts there or not); a champagne-and-dancing brunch in NY given by my in-laws, so their friends could celebrate without flying to Milwaukee; and a Friday night dinner for all the out of towners given by my parents' friends. Our wedding "weekend" lasted from Thursday lunch through Monday brunch! So believe me, I sure didn't feel deprived. I can't imagine what else we could have gotten as gifts.

I only found out a year or so ago (I've been married almost 26 years) that the reason my cousin and my mom's friend both gave recipe showers was that my mom asked them not to give regular showers. I think she felt uncomfortable about it, perhaps because she wanted to invite others besides wedding guests.

I loved those recipe showers. One was at a fancy city club, and one was at my cousin's house, with a chef giving a cooking demonstration (which we got to eat). The centerpieces were so cute: 4-cup measuring cups with a yellow chrysanthemum plant in them. I still have the cup I took home. But best of all are those recipe albums, which are now beat-up and bursting, but still beloved treasures.

Anyway, I've given recipe showers since then, and when it doesn't work out to give a shower, I do sort of a "virtual" shower; I just send each person a recipe card and a SASE, then compile them for the couple. Sort of along the same line, when each of my cousins' children gets married, I make an album of family recipes for them. I was very flattered when the single ones asked me to make them for them, too.


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RE: I 'm hurt, confused, feeling dumb and used!

It seems to me that she knew they didn't send you an invitation. If she'd thought you were going to be invited, her response to your saying you didn't get an invitation would have been more along the lines of, "Oh, my, we're *so* sorry! I can't imagine what could have happened. Of course we want you there, you've been so important to my daughter..."

It sounds more like she was surprised that you brought a present when she knew they hadn't sent an invitation.


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RE: I 'm hurt, confused, feeling dumb and used!

Just another comment here...I think it's perfectly acceptable to invite guests to a non-gift party/get-together even if they are not being included in the wedding festivities. In our parts we call them "Meet and Greet" parties. It's so that friends and neighbors can meet the new future addition to the family. No gifts are expected and guests know it's not an indication of an invitation to the actual wedding. It's simply a night of chatting, visiting and catching up on the things that are happening.

We also sometimes have a casual post honeymoon get together, paricularly if it was an out of town wedding that guests were unable to attend. This way we show our appreciation for those guests that traveled to attend, let those who couldn't come meet the new person in the family and include neighbors and friends who wished the couple well and might have sent gifts even though they were not invited to the wedding.
If wedding pictures and videos are back they're there to look at if someone wants to look through them.

But I still think any invite to an actual gift shower mandates an invitation to the wedding. Recipe "showers/parties" are different, IMHO, and don't fall into the "wedding invite will follow" category.


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RE: I 'm hurt, confused, feeling dumb and used!

It sounds more like she was surprised that you brought a present when she knew they hadn't sent an invitation

Yeah, that's what I was thinking. She sounds like the type who would never do what you did, give a gift to a bride for a wedding to which she wasn't invited. So I'm thinking she was completely taken aback at your appearance with a gift, and was probably wracking her brain wondering if she'd inadvertantly invited you!

"Did you get an invitation?" probably meant, "You didn't receive an invitation, did you??" I don't blame you or your daughter for feeling hurt, I'd feel the same way. It's a weird feeling to expect to be invited to a particular occasion and the invitation never comes. I know I've been in that position before. It sort of made me look at the relationship in a completely new light.

I guess I didn't have any sit-around-and-open-gifts showers, but don't feel sorry for me.
LOL, I figured something like that since you always talk about the wedding gifts you received with such esteem. I was just wondering if you hadn't had any "traditional" type showers. The parties you did have sound so much nicer!


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RE: I 'm hurt, confused, feeling dumb and used!

My brother and his wife paid someone to send their invitations and over HALF were addressed wrong!! We are still getting some back in the mail! It was terrible. Even my grandfather didn't get an invitation. They didn't realize this until two weeks before the wedding and they had to call every single person on their list, explain the issue and offer them an inviation over the phone. Crazy stuff really does happen sometimes! I have always been up front with people I am close with... just ask them! Better than assuming something and ruining a friendship over something that could be an honest mistake. Either way, you feel bad now... maybe you still will after talking with her, but maybe you won't!!


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RE: I 'm hurt, confused, feeling dumb and used!

af wife 08, so sorry to hear about your brothers invitations, but this is not what happened in this case. I ran into a friend of the bride (and my daughter) who did attend the wedding(she was also invited to the shower but not the wedding)She went to the wedding anyhow!

She said the bride was beautiful, and everything was very nice, but none of their friends where there, just alot of "old people" LOL, and friends of the groom. I didn't ask what they did about dinner arrangements for her!?

I will never mention it to Mary, she is a good girl. But I will certainly be more repectful and less needy when my daughter marries.


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RE: I 'm hurt, confused, feeling dumb and used!

I am sorry this happened to you and your daughter. The MOB's comment "did you get an invitation" I am sure was her way to handle an embarrassing situation. What could she say? Sorry you aren't invited but thanks for the gift? If it had been any type of slip/error her question would have been "we didn't receive your RSVP yet". You handled this situation with grace which is a wonderful lesson for your DD.


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RE: I 'm hurt, confused, feeling dumb and used!

Wow! This really takes the cake. It sounds as if the parents ran the entire show and the bride had little or no say in anything.

I agree that the woman was startled and searching for something to say, as she was totally surprised that someone not invited would actually bring a gift. It is absolutely wrong and totally tacky to invite anyone to a shower without inviting them to the wedding.

We had a similar experience with our recently married daughter's mother-in-law, who invited 170 people to the rehearsal dinner, nearly half of whom weren't invited to the wedding (we had "limited" her wedding invitations to 150!!!) Many of them were her husband's employees, most of whom had the good sense to decline to attend the rehearsal dinner, displaying better sense than she did. (She also had the nerve to have a gift table at the dinner!)

I never ceased to be amazed at the bad taste exhibited by some people when it comes to weddings.


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RE: I 'm hurt, confused, feeling dumb and used!

That's for sure! It never ends. I like to go to the Etiquette Hell site sometimes to read all the stuff people do.


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RE: I 'm hurt, confused, feeling dumb and used!

I would ordinarily just assume that an invitation hadn't been sent but- - my daughter is getting married soon and sent all of the invitations at the same time. My other daughter who lives in my house received hers and I still (after 3 days) have not received mine. The bride to be said when she went to the post office with the invitations in a box and the clerk pulled the invitations out of box. My daughter saw my invitation at the top of the pile-she knows it went to the post office. Soooo-I will not automatically doubt that something could get lost in the mail.


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RE: I 'm hurt, confused, feeling dumb and used!

Wow...that really is an all-time low if they were just doing it for the gifts. I mean...how selfish and rude is that! Especially being that your daughter and "Sally" pretty much grew up together! I'm sorry that happened


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RE: I 'm hurt, confused, feeling dumb and used!

You are justified in you feelings of hurt and anger.
It is really inappropriate to invite people to a shower who are not invited to the wedding....tacky, tacky, tacky!
I'm sorry you and your daughter were hurt.


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RE: I 'm hurt, confused, feeling dumb and used!

"I ran into a friend of the bride (and my daughter) who did attend the wedding(she was also invited to the shower but not the wedding)She went to the wedding anyhow!"

That was about as tacky as inviting people to a shower and not to the wedding.

Why would anyone think showing up to anything uninvited is a good idea?


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RE: I 'm hurt, confused, feeling dumb and used!

Maybe the wedding was 'open church' - that is very very common around here.

Anyone can come see the wedding! No invitation necessary.


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