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Bachelor Parties

Posted by OshkoshBride (My Page) on
Thu, Jun 24, 04 at 15:04

Hello everyone...
My fiance has single friends and married friends and I know the single ones will push to go to the nudie bars and what not. My fiance is not oppossed to the idea, but I am. I think he can have just as much fun without the naked girls. He says it is a tradition with all of his friends to do that. I contacted his best man and stated my feelings and he assured me that my wishes would be honored.
The other problem is that my fiance is against the girls having my party and his on the same night. I like the idea of meeting up afterwards, but he says he won't have any fun if I am out somewhere. What have you all done for your parties?
In fact, being an older bride (35) I am torn between having the traditional girls night out and just going to a spa or something. Most of my girlfriends and bridesmaids want the night out.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Bachelor Parties

It sounds like he is a bit uncomfortable with the tradional girls night out, rather like you are uncomfortable with the tradional boys night out. Perhaps a good compromise would be for the gals to do the spa thing during the day, everyone meet up for dinner, then the guys head out for the night. You both wind up with the tamer version of your party. Everyone gets together at some point. He won't spend his party wondering what you are doing.


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RE: Bachelor Parties

I didn't get the impression that he was uncomfortable with you have a traditional bachelorette party, but rather he wants to have his own fun and not have to worry about you (either that you ok or that he might see you out and about - do you live in a small town with few places to go?). This is both of your last "hurrahs". I think you should both be able to spend it how you choose - neither of you should have to give into the "peer preasure" - hello! You are in your 30s, not teenagers!

It sounds like you two need to talk. Does he know you called his best man and you two agreed that the strip clubs were out? It seems like you should have been talking with your future husband instead. Trust is a huge part of a happy marriage. Why do you want to meet up with him while he is at his bachelor party? Is there a trust issue?


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RE: Bachelor Parties

I don't think it is a trust issue. We have several single "swinging" men in our crowd and I don't like the direction they take when they have been drinking. My fiance is a very noble type person who feels it is his job to take care of everyone, and I know he feels if I am out on the same night he won't have fun because he will be worrying that I will be in some sort of trouble or that people have had too much to drink etc.
It is one of my bridesmaids who is pushing for the same night parties. The best man is her husband. I know they have trust issues.
my fiance and I have talked about this many times. He thinks I am crazy for making a big deal about it (strippers)
and I get upset that he doesn't respect my point of view. My belief is that I think it is degrading and pretty much disrespectful to me to have his last hurrah with naked women that do not include me.
Does that make sense?


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RE: Bachelor Parties

Where the heck does it say that it's your "last hurrah" for heaven's sake?! Getting married doesn't mean that you never get to go out with your girlfriends, or that your husband doesn't get to go out with his! And what's with the strippers?! Being in a crowd that never goes to any of those places, we don't see the attraction, but that's just us, I guess. Also, is this YOUR night out, or your bride's-maid? Is she going out with you for YOUR sake, or to keep an eye on her guy? Oh, honestly, these types of questions just boggle my mind!

I hate to think who'll be running your marriage, if you can't make a stand at your own bachelorette party! Agree that he go his way on HIS night if you trust him, and it appears you do. Then you go out on YOUR night with your friends for YOUR sake, not at the conveniece of an un-trusting 'friend'. GADS! Isn't this about you and your fiance?! At least that way there'll be one sober fiance if anything untoward happens. Good grief. This shouldn't even be an issue....it sure wouldn't be one with ME!

Stand up for yourself. This IS about you and your fiance this time! And stop yammering to his friends behind his back. This potential union sends chills up my back. Discuss what YOU want with YOUR fiance and leave the outsiders where they should be in your marriage: OUTSIDE!


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RE: Bachelor Parties

I am very offended by your comments. I guess that I didn't state my question properly. What I really wanted was peoples opinions of parties. Personally, I don't want one and I think the whole concept is stupid. THere is no last hurrah for us. My fiance and I are able to do things with our friends whenever we want to. Actually I am not going to justify myself or my relationship any longer. Tears are running down my face. I thought this was a supportive and helpful place to come. I was wrong.


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RE: Bachelor Parties

Glitter's comments were way rude and off the wall. Don't pay attention to her.

My opinion about bachelor/bachelorette parties:

We had ours on the same night. Both were planned by our wedding parties, and we didn't know ahead of time what was planned. Both included going out to dinner, then going out to bars, then staying the night in a hotel room. We didn't meet up although we weren't too far from each other. His party ended up staying out fairly late at the bar playing pool and stuff until 2 AM or so. Mine ended up going back to the hotel relatively early (11 AM or so) since there was a pool and hot tub there and we hung out swimming and drinking and talking.

Both parties were mainly about getting a chance to have a really good time with our friends. They weren't about "last night of freedom" and they weren't about getting totally wild, although we all drank a lot. We've both had much wilder nights before and after being married, together and separate.

Neither party included strippers. Dean has a friend or two who might have enjoyed strippers, but Dean himself doesn't enjoy that kind of thing at all, and his friends knew that.

My feelings about strippers are mixed I guess. I don't object to them; I think it's perfectly natural for people to have fun watching other people get naked. But there is an element of exploitation and sleaziness, and I wouldn't really want to be with someone who would enjoy going to strip clubs. I also would not want to be with someone who would go to a strip club even though he knew it would hurt my feelings.

Bottom line, though, is that it is very natural for guys to enjoy looking at naked women, and if he does it, it doesn't mean he loves you any less or finds them any more attractive than you. It's not a big deal - what is a big deal is his treatment of your feelings about it.

I would question the types of people his friends are if they make him go to a strip club when he doesn't really want to. Even if they enjoy it, they are free to do it on their own time.


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RE: Bachelor Parties

When friends of ours got married last year we planned the parties for the same night so that we WOULDN'T have to wonder what they were doing (theory: we would be having so much fun ourselves we wouldn't think about it). The guys did go to the strip club later in the evening. They (DF's group of friends) don't sit in the front row and they don't stare, they talk to each other about hockey mostly.

I won't try to change your mind about strippers (I'm not a huge fan of them myself) but one time when I happened to be at the stripclub with all the guys about 2 years before said wedding, said groom kept saying "none of them are as good as my Baby"...my point is that the good kind of guys really do think about you when they're there. I just thought I'd let you know.

As for ideas...is it in your budget to do the spa thing and the bar thing? If you don't have fun at the bar you could call it an early night as Anita said. We also had a hotel (actually it was a chalet) that we went back to after the bar and hanging out there was just as much fun as going out. We had 14 women getting ready in these two condo style rooms...everyone preening themselves...it was like a huge slumber party...lots of fun.


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RE: Bachelor Parties

I know without a doubt that my fiance will never cheat on me and vice versa. We both come from broken homes and we did a lot of soul searching and communicating on what we want from our marriage. I do not see ourselves as young impulsive people rushing into a marriage, we are adults who have learned from our pasts and are ready for a lifetime together.
Trust has never been an issue between us. A lifetime ago I dated a man who was a bouncer in a strip club, so I saw first hand a lot of bachelor parties that got out of control.
Anyway, thanks to everyone for the positive comments.


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RE: Bachelor Parties

In my opinion, bachelor(ette) parties are to celebrate your single life. You celebrate who you are with a nod to who you will no longer be after you are married.

I don't like the idea of the two parties the same night which both wind up together. It sounds like what it is, for a married couple with trust issues. That doesn't fit my definition of your parties are.

Please plan your party with you in mind. It sounds to me like a day at a spa is your number one choice and a night on the town your number two (well, maybe no party is your number one, spa two and town three). I'm not sure how close they are though. Sure, you want to plan something you think your friends would like as well. But this party is to celebrate you.

The issue of strippers is your most difficult. You don't seem super morally opposed to strippers - all strip clubs everywhere should be closed down. You seem to feel it's not quite right, tacky, and possibly lead to difficulites regarding his friends. I'd let him have the strippers for his bachelor party, but also let him know that when married, you expect him to avoid them (even if that means cutting out on a friend's bachelor party). This celebrates who he is - a guy I suspect has gone to strip clubs in the past and someone who's circle includes the tradition of strip clubs for a bachelor party. And it gives a nod to who he will no longer be once married - no more strip clubs. As you say, he is the noble type who will take care of people. I assume this includes his friends when they have been drinking, and you at home. So, he is unlikely to do anything stupid, nor let his friends do anything really stupid. If they start the evening at the stip club, then go somewhere like a pool hall for the end of the evening, a party getting out of control is less likely to happen.

I doubt you will change your mind about the strippers. However, if you do, please personally let the best man know this. Right now, he is trying to figure out whether to plan the party the groom would like, or the one the bride would like. It is a difficult possition for him to be in. It is even more difficult for a man with trust issues within his own marriage. Keeping him abreast of whatever decisions you and your fiance make is essential.


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RE: Bachelor Parties

We met up at the end of our parties. My husband didn't feel the need for stippers, but didn't want to be a stick in the mud. Here's how it went:
The guys met at one bar, had some drinks and snacks. The best man had arranged a van with a designated driver, so they piled in and the next stop was a (relatively tame) strip club.

During this time, my girlfriends met at our house for a couple drinks and snacks. Then we went to a club that has bachelorette party specials. We got a table next to the dance floor and had open bar and free hot appetizers until 1:00. We had a blast dancing and hanging out.

Around midnight or so, the van of guys came to the club where we were. We all ended up together, danced and had a great time.

We did it this way for several reasons. We've been together for a long time, so I am very friendly with his guy friends and vice versa. Plus, more than half of our mutual attendees were half of a couple. (And coincidentally three of my girlfriends there were pregnant). So the couples got to have part of the night out together (which for the ones who have kids, it was a nice treat) and then the pregnant wives were able to drive their husbands home safely. And my husband and I both got to spend some time with ALL of our friends. (my best friend is a guy, so was naturally out with the guys, but I wanted to hang out with him too).

As the crowd of boys thinned out, I ended up catching a ride home with the van - it was kinda funny. They dropped me and my friend off at my house and headed back to one of the guys' houses to shoot pool.

It worked for us. We had a ball. It had nothing to do with trust - it's just what worked best for our group of friends at the time.

Do whatever you're comfortable with. I think it's good to have them on the same night so one of you isn't sitting at home while the other is out having fun. If you don't want strippers, be honest. But you also have to remember that he doesn't want to look like a wuss in front of the guys. ;-) Have fun whatever you do and best of luck with the wedding and your marriage!!!


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RE: Bachelor Parties

My fiance is one who would rather just spend the evening shooting pool at the bar with the guys, but the guys (his brother, thier friends) are the "traditional" kind of guys who want strip clubs. That's fine with me...I agree with the previous poster that he shouldn't have to ruin the "tradition" by refusing to let the other guys have thier fun (he doesn't really want the party at all - the guys are insisting on it, so it's really for them). I've been to the clubs with them (my only request when he goes out is that he not drive when drinking, so often I go out with them to be the designated driver), and the "sane" ones are generally very good about keeping tabs on the "not-so-sane" guys. So for me, it's really no big deal, as long as they either hire a driver, or call me when they're done. The drunk driving issue is *far* more important to me than the stripping.

However, I did not want a bachelorette party at all, so I just told everyone that (easier when I don't really have a "bridal party" - very small wedding), and they are respecting my wishes. It's less important to my friends than his, which is why he's going along with thiers, but this will work out well for everyone. And I have to admit, I'm happy I'll be at home the night he's going out, so that if he (or any of them) need a ride, I'll be available for them to call.

I think a spa day would be *great* for your party, if you want to have one so your friends can participate in the tradition. I'd definately go for that if my friends wanted to do something similar. If you really don't, honestly, do just try to explain to them that you don't want to go along with that tradition, and hopefully they will understand and let it go. But don't let the bridesmaid and her hubby railroad you into something you don't want to do...Talk it all out with your fiance honestly and openly, and decide *as a couple* what to tell people so that you can stand together as a unit on this one. After all, that's the most important thing, really...

Good luck - tough decisions, I know, but setting the ground rules now could be a really good thing for your marriage later. :-)


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RE: Bachelor Parties

I agree with your feelings, Oskkoshbride, about "There is no last hurrah for us."

For me & DH, our bachelor/ette parties were NOT about a line demarcating "single life" from "married life." Our behaviors did not change after we got married; we weren't any more "free" before marriage than we are afterward.

I think that looking at it that way is where a lot of the hurt and anxiety comes from. Maybe if you can change your view of the parties you will feel better. It seems that more people now are looking at it kind of like I would look at a birthday party or graduation party in my honor - just a way for my friends to say, congratulations on this good thing happening in your life, we are all happy for you, let's have some fun.


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RE: Bachelor Parties

In answer to your questions...I would not have both parties on the same night. There is no reason to if YOU do not want to. But if my memory serves me correctly...it's not the bachelorette that picks where she goes anyway. That is left up to the bridal party. Nor would I meet up with the bachelor party afterwards, seems to much like you would be "checking up" on them. I have no problem with the men going to strip clubs. I don't find them offensive or degrading. And I trust my husband at all times. As does he with me when I go out on bachelorette parties. It is still a tradition around here-dinner, pool, and then the strip clubs for the guys. The ladies are getting more inventive with their parties as time goes on. NancyLouise


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RE: Bachelor Parties

Your words: "My belief is that I think it is degrading and pretty much disrespectful to me to have his last hurrah with naked women that do not include me." In your second post, you said there was no "last hurrah" for you. Sorry...your conflicting posts confused me. But...whatever...perhaps there is a mis-communication, but you also said in your first post that "My fiance is not oppossed to the idea, but I am. I think he can have just as much fun without the naked girls.", and "I get upset that he doesn't respect my point of view". Sorry...but it doesn't sound like a dead issue. You went behind his back to talk to his friend to make sure you got your way and "he assured me that my wishes would be honored". Ahd your DF trusts you? You could be right. I could have gotten the whole thing wrong, but the day I go behind my husband's back to have "my wishes honored", ...well..it just wouldn't happen.

I have to agree with AutumnBride: "Does he know you called his best man and you two agreed that the strip clubs were out? It seems like you should have been talking with your future husband instead. Trust is a huge part of a happy marriage." What if your DF found out you spoke to his friend behind his back? Where would the trust be then?

Go to a spa, let him go where he wants to go, try to agree on whether or not to meet and/or have it on the same day....whatever! Just keep future discussions between yourselves...sorry if you felt that was rude. I was trying to make you see that only YOU and HE mattered....not what your friends talk about with you in or not in his presence. And if he 'DISrespects' your feelings on strip clubs and wants to 'respect' his friends' urge to party there....perhaps you need to talk. Nothing to cry about here....except that there's no pussy-footing around issues of trust.


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RE: Bachelor Parties

Maybe my posts were confusing. My fiance knows that I talked to his best man. My fiance is not the one planning his party, the guys are. And it is my wish that they don't do strip clubs. My fiance was not oppossed to the strip clubs because he knows some of his friends want to do that. He would never go to one otherwise. I don't want to sound moral or bring religion into it, but that is not how I was raised, and his groomsman understand after I explained it to them.
I didn't mean to cause such a stink about what some people percieve as trust issues between us. If I didn't trust him I wouldn't be marrying him. Like I said before, I am 35 years old, a mother of a 10 year old autistic son, I believe myself to be an adult.
I will admit that in the beginning we did have issues about his friends and that the understanding that when you decide to have a committed relationship you need to put your partner first. And everything worked out. He made a big commitment to me and my son. A lot of men are not strong enough to handle the things that go on in my life, and he is the best! Not only will he be a wonderful husband, but a wonderful father too.
Thanks to everyone for all the great ideas for the girls!
I think I will make sure my posts aren't so confusing from now on...but hey, I am a bride and my brain is in 100 different places!


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RE: Bachelor Parties

Well, I'm happy to hear our confusion occured on both sides...sometimes with typing and reading, it's difficult to know what inflections to put on them....Yes, he certainly sounds like a wonderful fellow, and many men would run from the responsibilities of an autistic child...you're very fortunate, indeed. Sorry I came off sounding heavy-handed, but it did sound like you went behind his back to 'get your way'...you've cleared that up, thank heavens. I agree with you with regards to strip-clubs whether or not we share religious biases (we do)...I've heard the argument that those gals get paid VERY well for removing their clothes and sending husbands and boyfriends home to their better-halves, and that they're happy and well paid. Unfortunately their high pay isn't the issue...it's the low pay women get for the decent jobs they do that's the issue here. Anyway....that's a whole other bag of worms and Wal-Mart is presently neck-deep in it! hah!

I'm glad we sorted our difference out, and your explanation really has made a difference....I want to wish the three of you all the very best in the future!
Sincerest Best Wishes!


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RE: Bachelor Parties

Glitter53,
Yes, typing and speaking are hard to sort out...I also have to realize that I can't assume everyone knows what I am talking about all the time...I try to keep my posts short and to the point, but miss the point! ha ha.
Thnak you for your good wishes!


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LOL, Oshkosh Bride, I find that I try to hard so illustrate my point that I wind up typing these big long posts...I can never keep it short and to the point.


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RE: Bachelor Parties

I actually agree with OshkoshBride. My finacee and i have been together for 7 years, and i know his best man wanted to go to a strip club and all. Like Oshkoshbride I am also against those types of things...becasue no matter how natural it may be for any human being to look at oneanother naked, the point is that you are making a comitment and i don't want that commitment overshadowed by the fact that he and i saw a naked man/woman on the night before we pledged outr love for each other, that and it degrading and downright stupid.
For the record, i did also speak wiht the best man and asked him to honor my feelings, and he did. There is nothing wrong wiht that...
Ugh,m this whole bachelor party is so American! We don't have these
things in Europe....
As for haivng it the same night...i agree...specailly because you can be together after being out all ngiht and share your fun...


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RE: Bachelor Parties

The other problem is that my fiance is against the girls having my party and his on the same night. I like the idea of meeting up afterwards, but he says he won't have any fun if I am out somewhere.

Please explain this a little further. Why won't he have fun? Is he ok with you having your party on a different night?


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RE: Bachelor Parties

I'm glad that your FH knows that you spoke with the best man...communication and trust are so important in a happy marriage, IMO.

You and your husband should talk to each other about what each of you want to do at your respective parties. After that conversation you should both talk to your respective party planners. Many times bachelor and bachelorette parties are not for the guests of honor (the bride and groom), but just an excuse for their single friends to get out of control and be wild. Neither you nor your FH should feel pressured to have the type of fun neither of you are interested in, regardless of religion or personal beliefs. The wedding party and friends should respect both of you - these parties should be about doing something you two enjoy, not what they want to do!

My husband is not a fan of strip clubs. A contingency of his friends really wanted to go to a strip club. My husband told them they could go, but he wasn't going to go. This is what he did for his bachelor party: A group of guys (married and single) went to Reno, NV for the weekend. They played a round of golf at a nice course the first day - all together. In the evening they had dinner and gambled. My husband hates to dance, doesn't like clubs, and didn't want to go to strip clubs. He told the guys - I am going to the craps tables, if you want to come that is where I will be, otherwise go ahead and do what you want - you know where I'll be. Some went to gamble and hang out with him, others took off and did their own thing. Everyone was happy. The second day they played 9 holes of golf, gambled a bit more, and then came home. This is what my DH wanted to do, your FH should get to do what he wants.

I had my bachelorette party the same weekend. The girls and I went and had a spa day (manicures, pedicure, facials, and massages) - it was wonderful. After the spa day, my MOH hosted dinner at her house, and paid to have a limo pick us up and take us to San Francisco for dancing (I love to dance). We had a great time - it was exactly what I wanted to do.

My DH and I did not see each other during our respective parties, because we weren't even in the same state. We trust each other completely, and both had a great time. It was good for us to have them the same weekend just because of timing - we didn't have that many free weekends before the wedding and a lot of the people that went to the parties were married or dating other people at the other party, so they didn't want to have two weekends apart - so convenient to have them at the same time.

I don't think that bacholor or bachelorette parties have to fit a particular "mould" or "tradition" - the tradition is to go out with your friends without your future spouse and have fun. That's it. There is no formula for what defines what is fun except the participants. I actually had two bachelorette parties - one was the one I described above, the other was dinner out at a great restaurant in San Francisco, drinks at a trendy club (no dancing), and talking. It was great.

Neither was not the last time I got together with my girlfriends without my husband (and he has hung out with his friends without me since we got married), but it was a great excuse to go out with just the girls and it was the last time I went out with the girls before I got married - such special memories!

So, my point: Both of you should do what you want to do - have a great time, and don't worry too much about doing what a few people want you to do - If they want to go to a strip club for a bachelor party, then tell them to get married. They can do that for their bachelor party! ;-)


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RE: Bachelor Parties

Very well said AutumnBride. Your parties sound like a lot of fun.

I just found out that DF's best man is planning a day of (mild) white water rafting followed by camping for the night. I know DF will love it and the guys will all have fun.


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RE: Bachelor Parties

Froggy...Thanks for agreeing with me!
The reason my fiance doesn't want us to have our parties on the same night is this...DF is the type of man that likes to be in control of a situation...not in a bad way. He has a deep need to take care of people, especially those that he loves. He is always the sober guy on nights out with the boys because if a problem would arise he feels he would be able to handle it. He is always looking out for everyone...it does make for a buzzkill at times...lol
Anyway, he feels that if we are out on the same night he won't be able to let loose knowing I am out drinking and that he will need to take care of me...which is so far from the truth and makes me sound like a raving drunk lunatic!
Somehow we will reach a compromise.
One of my bridesmaids, whose husband is the best man emailed me and told me that all the stripper talk is just to get my goat from the rest of the guys...


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RE: Bachelor Parties

hi everyone..,
y v r celebrating bachelor parties? give some interesting suggestion...


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