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In a wedding and know very little about it..

Posted by sweets98 (My Page) on
Tue, May 9, 06 at 13:24

Is that normal? It's just a little over two months until the wedding, I'm in the bridal party and DH is the best man. We know VERY little about what is going on. I know plans have been made and all that but my future SIL isn't saying much.

DH and I aren't the type to jump in and take over or anything and I explained this from the get go to my future SIL and brother. I told them if they wanted something or expected something, to please ask or let us know. And made it VERY clear that I did not plan a wedding (DH and I went to district court) and therefore have no clue what is to be expected of us.

It's hard I think because they live 2 1/2 hours away, we don't know her family or friends at all and we barely talk let alone see each other.

I have gotten e-mails with photos of the brides gown, details about my dress and it's arrival, pictures of pots she wanted painted for the shower (it was a poor picture and I got no other details like how many or what not so I can't make them. I have e-mailed and asked more than once now about it) and was informed the day the shower invites went out that my name was on there for people to respond to. I actually found out just an hour ago from my grandmother that the invites say the bridal party is throwing the shower but she's planned her own!

I'm sort of wishing now I said I couldn't be in the wedding because this is adding a great deal of stress to my already busy life.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: In a wedding and know very little about it..

It sounds like your sister-in-law is a take-charge bride who is not up on her wedding etiquette. For her to plan her own shower and then tell the wedding party what they are to do is going a bit far. Other than the shower, you and your husband shouldn't have much to do until a few days before the wedding. You will need to have your dress fitted at least once.

Your husband will want to check with the groom about planning some type of bachelor party. It can be simple and short, it doesn't have to be a night a carousing.

The two of you will attend the rehearsal and the rehearsal dinner. On the wedding day you should plan to be there bright and early for photos and generally to help however you can.


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RE: In a wedding and know very little about it..

I'm not sure how it's adding stress, since you're not really doing anything--your particular part in the proceedings is quite small. And since you made it "VERY clear" that you didn't want to and couldn't help with anything extra.

Stop caring about it, and it won't stress you.

It's true that her planning her own shower isn't kosher, but it certainly didn't hurt you--it didn't take any time; there was no research to do, decisions to make or checks to write.What do *you* care about her knowledge of etiquette? It doesn't particularly reflect on you; you didn't raise her. She's not even your sister; she's your SIL-to-be.

And, you said you didn't konw much about weddings, and "aren't the type to jump in and take over or anything," so she apparently took you at your word. Maybe she figured it would be less stress, or less rude, than hinting that she'd like you to offer (because she couldn't, in good manners, TELL you she'd like you to make sure she got a bridal shower--you'd have had to offer it spontaneously).

It'll be the easiest, and cheapest, shower you ever co-hosted.

Sort of too bad that she added your name to the invite without consulting w/ you, but since no one has actually called you to RSVP, it's not like it's affecting your actual life. And if they do call, just e-mail her and tell her the name of that person, and what they said. Then stop thinking about it.

Get your dress, and show up at the rehearsal dinner and the wedding. That's about it.

None of the other plans do you NEED to know about, particularly. Why should you know anything about the flowers, the caterer, the officiant, the music, the invites, the readings, the menu? It's not your wedding, you won't pay for or arrange these things.

You'll essentially be a slightly glorified guest. Why is that particularly stressful?

It seems to me the only thing you have any particular need to stress over is the pots for the shower. E-mail and tell her you haven't started, bcs you don't know what she wants, and you hope she'll come up with another plan, since she didn't respond w/ info soon enough for you to tackle it.

The only person who has an actual obligation beyond getting the attire and showing up is your husband. He's the groom's brother as well as best man, and he should be in on the planning of the backelor party. If he doesn't realize this, remind him. Tell him he could seriously hurt his brother's feelings if he is passive on this issue.

Then stop thinking about it.

Good luck!


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RE: In a wedding and know very little about it..

But I do need to know some details and what they expect me to be there for an when. Everything is "no children allowed" and we have two kids and live 2 1/2 hours from them. I have to find sitters for my children. I very well can't find someone with a few hours to spare, heck even a few days because I don't have a lot of options since most of the family will be at the wedding. I can only rely on my in-laws.

We also need to know what things they do expect us to pay for and help out with and what not because I need to budget for this! Again, two kids and we have one income!

My brother doesn't want a bachelor party. He said they could just hang out or go to dinner and he would be happy with that.

People have called about the shower. I would have appreciated being asked or something before hand. I may be a SAHM but I have things I have to do and it's rude to assume.

The pots...I've asked about that more than once and have gotten nothing in response so I guess I'm not doing it. I need longer than a few days to do these things, even if it is only a few because it's not as simple as just painting and letting dry. There are many steps and layers and again..kids, housework, other plans...


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RE: In a wedding and know very little about it..

The only things you should have to pay for are your dress, shoes, make-up, and hair and your husband's attire. You will need to pay for gas to drive to the wedding location and perhaps pay a sitter. You have no other responsibilities for the wedding.

Now, if your SIL planned her own shower and she bills you for a portion of it, that would be rude, but be prepared - if she put your name on the invitation, she may send you a bill.

I applaud the groom's sensible bachelor party. Both of my sons did coffee with a group of friends. Your husband should be prepared to pick up the tab for his brother's meal or whatever they do.


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RE: In a wedding and know very little about it..

I suspect I may see where the confusion over the RSVP contact came in. You live 2 1/2 hours from the majority of the activity. "I told them if they wanted something or expected something, to please ask or let us know." It sounds to me like she may have thought that by telling you that you were the contact person fit in with your constraints and willingness to help out if possible. It was unfortunantly done at such a short notice that you couldn't back out at that point. In fact, I suspect this is upsetting invitees as well since this must be a long distance call for them.

Have you talked to your in-laws about babysitting? If they can't do it, a two month heads up should help significantly in finding someone who will.

Have you asked your brother specifically what you will need to pay for? It sounds like you aren't communicating with the bride too well. Perhaps it is easier to talk with him. Money is a difficult thing to bring up. Don't wait for them to get around to telling you.


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RE: In a wedding and know very little about it..

I think a little bit depends on what you want your relationship with your future SIL to be after the wedding. Do you want to become friends or do you want to keep the distance?

I'm sort of looking at it from the bride's point of view. Maybe when you said what you said she took it as sounding like you didn't want to be too involved. I'm not saying that's what you said or meant, just that I could see it sounding like that from her point of view.

I'm also not condoning her action of putting your name on an invitation without consulting you first, but planning a wedding can be a highly stressful task, and sometimes it's easier to just do things as you see them and not dwell on what's "correct".

I think if I were in your position and wanted to keep things status quo after the wedding, IOW, just see each other at family events and be cordial, I'd not worry about it any further and just go with the flow of whatever the bride ends up planning.

However, if I were hoping for a closer relationship, if I wanted to be friends, I'd give the bride a call and ask her to lunch. I know she's frightfully busy right now and you've got kids to worry about so if it doesn't come off, that's ok. But I'd ask. And whether you had this discussion at lunch or over the phone if lunch won't work, I'd let the bride know that you really do want to help and just need direction and guidance; that if she needs no help and has everything under control, that's fine too, but that you're there and she just needs to ask.

If I've learned nothing else about weddings, I've learned that no matter what the bride & groom and their families do, someone is bound to get hurt or left out or included where they shouldn't have, etc. So I've learned that it's best to sort of lean over backwards a bit, and have extra patience and understanding when dealing with brides.

Good luck!


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RE: In a wedding and know very little about it..

You really aren't much more than a glorified guest, so the info you need is small. As should your expenses be, mostly.

You've asked directly for info on "when you do want us there," right? And not gotten answers, I'm assuming? Maybe because it's still 2 months away. They might not even have every plan set. Your own mother (she's the mother of the groom, yes?) should tell you when & where the rehearsal dinner is, bcs she's the hostess.

Depending on where you live, and what sort of rehearsal dinner she's got in mind (fancy in-demand restaurant, or her home, or what?), she may not even have those plans final.

The bride or the groom should tell you when & where the rehearsal itself is--and you'd better go, if you truly don't know how things work.

You received info about your dress, right, so you know how much that costs? and when & where to pick it up, right? That info should come from the bride, if it hasn't been part of her communication with you already.

The groom (your brother) should be telling your DH where and when to rent his tuxedo, including how much it costs.

Presumably you already know the wedding date and time, though maybe not, because invitations sometimes go out 6 weeks in advance, so just plan on whatever it takes for you to be there an hour earlier, and through most of the reception time. If I were the bride, I'd probably assume you know this, no matter how often you told me "I don't know what's expected of me."

I'd also assume you know you're supposed to buy your own clothes and arrange your own transportation.

Also, I think *all* of us parents should have babysitting options beyond our in-laws. There are perfectly reasonable people around who can take care of our kids; we need to know who they are. I'm leaning on my husband about this--I'm tired of feeling beholden to family, and tired of having every plan revolve around whether *they* can take my kids.


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RE: In a wedding and know very little about it..

I may be way off here, and I apologize in advance for perhaps getting too personal, but I think we aren't hearing the real issue. I can't even tell whether you are mad because you aren't being included or because you are.

This is your own brother's wedding, right? It seems to me that there is nothing wrong with expecting a LITTLE time and effort for such a huge event in the immediate family. It sounds like they are asking very little of you, really. Get a sitter, show up at a shower, a rehearsal dinner, and the wedding itself -- so what? That's hardly more than an ordinary guest does, and to me it sounds like a lot of fun, not a burden. I don't know what the thing with the flower pots is, but it seems like a small task with a lot of advance notice for which you could easily ask for instructions or just apologize and say you'd rather not do it.

So you have a life that these things disrupt slightly -- who doesn't? Do you imagine you are the only person in the world who isn't sitting with nothing else to do or who occasionally has to hire a sitter? What do you do when there is an illness or a death, which are a lot more stress and work, with no lead time, and no fun?

Perhaps you have felt before that people try to take advantage of SAHMs, maybe you are insulted you were not asked to be MORE involved, maybe you don't approve of the match, or perhaps there is some other issue in your family, related or not to weddings, including your own. But it is hard for me to imagine a grown woman with a good relationship to her brother and future SIL getting quite this "stressed out" about what appears to be so few and such ordinary requests at such an important time.

So please pardon my presumption. I'm just thinking that you might feel better if you take a quiet moment to think through what is REALLY bothering you here.


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