I also read this post with great interest.. not sure why LOL as I don't have children and am not all that keen on getting married myself (though not opposed to it in theory LOL). I agree with Barb that there is or should be no expectation for guests to cover the costs of their plate. At the same time I agree with mitchdesj that it is a good guideline for those of us who struggle with how much to spend. It makes sense if you can afford it-- but it surely isnt expected. As a twenty-something, I couldnt have afforded to cover my plate for the NYC and Phila "do it big" weddings I am very close with my nieces and nephews (7) and tend to be generous with gifts. I spend a little more on birthdays, graduations etc but I also spend a lot of timing coming up with gifts that support their interests, budding careers and education etc. All are too young for wedding gifts, but I expect that I will also be generous in helping them to establish and celebrate their new lives. My situation is somewhat unique though-- I don't have my own kids and I take an active role in helping to raise the nieces and nephews-- not because their parents don't or can't but more to balance their parents. I am somewhat of a matriarch in the family-- or more correctly the crazy and generous aunt. (My dad calls me auntie mame) OK, so that said, today at this point of my life, I would give $1000 as a wedding gift to a niece or nephew. For a nonfamily close friend it would be more in the 100-200 range... though I will be honest, unless I am giving "big money" I tend to give special selected gifts.

First of all, thanks again for your guidance and encouragement. The event is over and yes, there were a few moments of tension. Although they did not involve us directly. I have to confess now to something that I didn't admit to earlier in an effort to avoid looking like a complete doormat. Early on I had offered to help with a dessert buffet to serve at the church, so they would have something for those guests they weren't inviting. As it turned out, I purchased, and made everything that was served (with the help of two friends and our children). All of the items were chosen by the bride ahead of time. We decorated the tables with greenery and candles, and made a beautiful and tasty presentation including choc. dipped strawberries, etc. We had fun working together on it which made it worth it. Since I hadn't originally intended on doing it all, I decided to forgo a "traditional" wedding gift. While we were in the middle of baking and dipping etc., I received a phone call asking how they should word something on the program inviting those who were not invited to the "reception" to enjoy the treats at the church. I told them that there was going to be plenty of food for everyone. Then I was told that they wanted to limit it to those who were not going to the reception so they could talk to others faster and keep to their time schedule. I replied that there was no way to word it that would not draw more attention to the fact that some people were not invited to the reception, and told them again that we had already worked very hard to make enough food for everyone. They finally agreed and dropped it. My 8 year old went up to the bride during the "church reception" and told her that he should be invited to the dinner because he was "part of it", she told him to talk to his mother. I questioned him and confirmed that she never said anything like yes, but just wanted me to handle it. So I told him that technically he should be included, but explained that it was going to be very boring and that he was going to have more fun at his friend's house. He seemed to accept that. One guest, a high-school friend of both the bride and groom, asked the bride how to get to the restaurant. She apparently told him that the seating at the restaurant was limited and that they had not been able to invite him to that part. I guess he decided to make a point of how rude he thought they were, because he showed up at the reception anyway. They had the owner of the restaurant ask him to leave. He replied that he was only planning on staying until the bride and groom got there so he could wish them well. So then the bride's mother came up and insisted that he leave, telling him that he already offered his congratulations at the church. (Incidentally, the bride never wanted him invited to the wedding for some reason, but gave in when he called asking if his invitation was lost.) He remained in the parking lot until the couple arrived, and said something like, "Well, apparently I'm not invited to celebrate with you, but I just wanted to wish you well before I leave." The bride's mother said something to me about not wanting to be rude, but that they shouldn't have to deal with something like this on their wedding day. Personally, I feel they created the mess, and she should have let them suffer the fallout. One niece,(the flower-girl) who at fourteen towers over several bridemaids, including another niece who is only thirteen, was somehow the only member of the wedding party (attending the recep.) not included in the limo ride to the reception. She was understandably crushed. They said something about the ring-bearer not going so.... Incredible! Anyway, it took forever to serve everyone. We literally sat at the table for 2 1/2 hours before they brought our table's entre'. The portions were so small that my husband ended up taking our boys to Burger King after to get something else to eat. Our only relatives from out-of-town had assigned seating in the corner opposite from us. And I mean...they were locked in...the only way for them to get out was to ask four other people to get up first. So I only got to visit with them for a few minutes after dinner was served, and while the cake was cut. They were seated next to the parents of the bride and friends of the brides parents that they didn't know. The best thing I can say is It's Over!; the couple is very good-looking; my ds was extremely cute as the ring-bearer and even added some comic relief the bride was hoping for; it was fun working with friends the day before; and It's Over!!!

"Isn't it convenient to be able to pick and choose which wrongs you want to pretend are right!!! " That's exactly what you are doing... How about divorce? and I am not pretending it's right. In my mind there is nothing outrageous or wrong about what I am doing... especially since I'm doing it with the support of my family. And I don't agree that "society in general" shares this opinion, not in this day and age. Who decides what is the "right thing"? Religion? so what if I'm not a "bible thumper" (stings, huh?)... then what's right? Should I follow the example the church is sending me? Sexually abusing little boys... where is your morality there? If you can't look to your CHURCH for guidance, then I guess what you consider good morals may be up for debate. How about the preacher's daughter who was having sex with the two employees of the AZ fire department? (check the news) I'm sure her father tried to do the best he could in her upbringing, being a preacher and all, but you see with kids it can go either way. You just have to hope for the best and do the best you can as parents. (I went to private catholic school for 10 years... and attended church every Sunday... I have nothing against the church personally). I'm not trying to convince you it's "the right way"... I was just saying you don't have to be so mean about how you speak to others. Religion should have tought you at least that? People on these posts are just asking for help, not to be judged on their morals. I've read other posts and I've seen your comments to others. It seems whenever you have the opportunity to attack someone on "lack of morals" you don't hesitate... and you know very well that it's hurtful, especially the way you say it... with disgust. My children will all grow up just fine, thank you, with a brain to make their own decisions and live their lives how they think is best, and I hope within reason. All we do is try and hope they all turn out ok. We are responsible adults and we are raising responsible children. One thing is for sure, they will learn "tolerance", which is something my parents taught me, and you have yet to learn. Don't want to fight with you... just asking you to be a little kinder. If you have helpful advice for me, I welcome it... if you just want to get online and look for a reason to call me "shack up", then "society" will see just what kind of moral person you are. OZ

DH and I were married in a suburb of Chicago over fifty years ago. I've never attended a wedding or reception where gifts were displayed. People didn't bring gifts to weddings. Even a registry was open to question because it could be viewed as an expectation of gifts. The invitee was simply being asked to honor the couple by witnessing a ceremony and celebrating with them. Gifts of cash were considered impersonal. This protocol, of course, resulted in newlyweds making many trips to multiple stores to return duplicates and gifts they would never use. We did have a registry, but still had many returns, resulting in...cash. LOL Gifts *are* brought to bridal showers, where they are opened in public. The invitation to a wedding (and reception) is usually extended by the family of the bride or by the couple. An RSVP goes to the parents or the couple. Gifts are sent ahead of the wedding to the bride or the couple. Thank you notes are expected ASAP, although Emily Post gave newlyweds up to a year. If the wedding is cancelled, all gifts are to be returned immediately. Gift-wrapping exists because you are giving *A Gift*! All this formality is in support of what is presumed to be a binding, once-in-a-lifetime commitment.