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Am I off base?

Posted by Mimii (My Page) on
Thu, Apr 29, 04 at 16:53

I need a little reality check here.
My BF (of 6 yrs) is in his cousin's wedding.
I was invited to the bridal shower, so I am going to drive to another state for it.
I did not receive an invitation to the wedding, which I thought was odd, but assume that I am 'and guest.' (BF and I do not live together) Now I find out that she doesn't want me to attend the rehearsal dinner with him, even though I have to come in from out of state the night before for a 10AM wedding.
Am I wrong in feeling like its incredibly tacky of her to invite me to the bridal shower, which means I have to get her another gift, and then just treat me like a random date of one of her guests? (BTW, she and her mother are throwing her bridal shower, which is tacky in itself, so its not like she doesn't know that I was invited to that.)

Obviously, I'm going to go and be gracious and find something to do with myself while my BF is at the rehearsal dinner, but I'm still feeling rather annoyed- am I overreacting?
Thanks for letting me vent.

Follow-Up Postings:

RE: Am I off base?

If wedding guests are from out-of-town, it's not unusual, and almost always the case where they are invited to the rehearsal dinner. Conversely, if it's just the wedding party, then provisions should be made for the out-of-town guests. Could this just be an over-sight on her part? Does your BF back you up in this matter? Sorry...but if it were my BF, he'd better have the back-bone to at least ask why you've been invited to a shower where it's a general practice to bring a gift of make a donation, and why your name was left off the invitation (we're including names of BF/GF if they've been together for quite a while). How about other 'significant others'? Spouses or partners of those in the bridal party? Have you all been left to your own ammusements that night? I understand your feelings...perhaps it's the custom where they live? I'm trying to make excuses and some sense in this, but personally.....I'd feel quite miffed about th invitation and the dinner.....I probably would make some excuse not to be able to attend the shower. But then...I hate 'tacky'...;-)
So to answer your question, no, your sense of reality is still in check. I'd have honey-bun do some sleuthing for you....I hope he understands your concerns....

RE: Am I off base?

The parents of the groom are the hosts of the rehearsal dinner. They get to decide whether to invite boy friends/girl friends of those in the wedding party as well as guests from out of town, though they definitely need to include spouses and fiances/fiancees. It is possible that they don't know about your situation unless your BF is related to the groom. I agree with Glitter53 that your BF should do some inquiring. If he is related to the bride or groom, he should be able to ask them about the situation. I also agree that I probably wouldn't attend the shower either since it is a bit tacky, not to mention self-serving.

RE: Am I off base?

Thanks for the validation!
The rehearsal dinner is being hosted by the bride's family, since the groom doesn't have much of one. I've spent every holiday with his family for the last 5 years, so its not like they don't know about me, or about how far I have to travel for this wedding.
My BF is not to blame in this- this is only the second wedding he's ever been to, so he has no idea what's going on. He offered to say something to his aunt, but I asked him not to- I don't want to create any waves, and to be honest, I'm thrilled that I don't have to go to the rehearsal dinner- I'll spend the night with a friend from college I rarely see- but I was just thrown that I wasn't invited, especially after being invited to the shower.
I'm going to the shower, and I bought a nice gift. I don't ever want anyone in that family to be able to say I was anything but gracious and classy. I'll just vent here, if you don't mind!

Yes.... are classy, and you're being far more dignified about this than they are! ;-) Vent away anytime!

RE: Am I off base?

wow. way to be classy. i dont' think that in that situation i would be able to do much more than let my big mouth get me into alot of trouble! go ahead and vent!

RE: Am I off base?

Hey Mimi you are definitely being classy about this! Thumbs up for your ability to be so generous when they aren't behaving as nicely to you!

Believe it or not, I wasn't allowed to attend my own brother's rehearsal dinner (yup, my dad paid for it and WANTED me there but the bride and her parent's said no and pitched hissyfits about it til dad gave up)and I came from two states away to attend the wedding!

Of course I wasn't sorry to spend time with college friends instead, as I couldn't stand the bride or her parents, but they started their 'tacky run' with that and it only got worse. They had a defrocked minister do the worst ceremony I (or family members I spoke with) had ever seen and the reception...oh Lord don't get me started on how bad THAT was! They cheaped out while inviting as many guests as they could so they could rake in the gifts. Heck, the family still talk about how the bad the service was and how the chicken was still raw and partially frozen when served.

RE: Am I off base?

I think you are doing exactly the right thing: vent here, clam up everywhere else. In my opinion, all out of towners should be invited to everything during the weekend, but I know local customs vary. Even so, as the SO of someone who is invited, I think they should have invited you. The shower is irrelevant in my opinion (but it just goes to show you how easy it is to get into trouble with anything to do with a shower or anything else where someone, especially a close relative, asks guests to bring gifts. Let me get this straight: the BRIDE herself, along with her mom, is giving this shower? Yikes.)

But so what? Obviously, it's not personal -- they just clearly don't have a clue (or don't care) how they appear. But there is no need to react to their rudeness or cluelessness. It's not for us to teach others manners or class, anyway. And where would it get you? Sounds to me like you'd have more fun sitting in the hotel with a pizza watching a movie or reading a good book than hanging out with this crowd!

And as this is a relative of your boyfriend's, I think it's very important NOT to be seen as criticizing them or doing anything they could call "making trouble." If you marry this guy, they will be YOUR relatives, too, so even though they are wrong, I wouldn't antagonize them (or even make too much of a fuss over it to your boyfriend, who may feel defensive or just plain embarrassed about his family) over the sake of a dinner!

RE: Am I off base?

1. Your perception is right on target and 2. you get an A plus for handling this situation and 3.nothing is more annoying than not being asked to an event you didn't want to go to anyway!

RE: Am I off base?

You are a great person;
but I vote to NOT go to the shower and return your gift! It's out of state, so they can't say that you "should've" come or anything!!!

RE: Am I off base?

I disagree w/ the idea that all out-of-towners should be invited to everything. If the hosting families can, and want to, great.

But you can end up w/ a way ton more people than you intended, and the intimate get-to-know-you-better tone f the rehearsal dinner can be totally diluted. I think the rehearsal dinner is a great way for those CLOSEST to the bride and groom to meet one another.

(disclaimer: my mom & brothers hosted the rehearsal barbecue for my wedding, and everyone was invited--but that doesn't mean it's necessary)

As an out-of-town guest, I can certain entertain myself if I need to--I'm a grownup, after all.

However, I would think that SO's of wedding-party members would ADD to that get-to-know-you tone.

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