It is unfortunate that your friend has chosen to disregard your request to purchase an appropriate dress. You are going to have to be proactive to remedy the problem. Apparently, she is not comfortable choosing a dress on her own without clear direction. Can you perhaps do an internet search and find a dress that is acceptable to you and that coordinates with the MOH's dress and then tell her this is what you would like her to wear.

The fact that the ivory dress is already ordered is her problem. She should have obtained your approval before placing the order. If she refuses to wear what you ask, then let her make the decision to step out of the wedding party rather than you "firing" her. When someone agrees to be in a wedding they agree to the costs involved, including the cost of clothing and transportation. Perhaps she was not aware of that. How you handle the situation now can mean the continuation or the end of your friendship

Wow.
What was she thinking? That certainly was a poor choice. I don't blame you for being upset. And I agree that it sounds like she could easily have changed her order.

My instinct is that you should sit tight and not do anything right away. I would not be a bit surprised if she realizes it was a poor choice, either on her own reflection or when someone else discusses it with her, and changes her order. Maybe she is just inexperienced and will understand once someone else explains. That would be much better than your either "firing" her or pressuring her -- no matter how right you are (and you are -- she should never have chosen an ivory bridal gown), you don't want to seem like a prima donna afraid of losing the spotlight. Far better to let her think she is being the gracious one than for her to think that she is knuckling under to pressure. I know you don't have a lot of time, but I mean a few days.

But if she doesn't come around on her own, perhaps this is a job for your MOH, even if they don't know each other: "Listen, I'm really sorry about the confusion about dresses. [I know there wasn't really any confusion; it's just to let the BM save face.] Bsniffles needs us to wear purple. How can I help you find something?" Note: NO discussion of WHY you "need" that or who is right or wrong -- just straight to the goal. If the MOH can't do it, maybe your mom could help, especially if they liked each other back when you were in HS. Or you can talk with her once more, once the shock has worn off and you can think tactically, not emotionally.

I can also understand your reluctance to "fire" her as a BM over this, as obnoxious as it was on her part, though -- and I think it speaks well of you. Here you have rekindled a precious old friendship -- you can't make any more old friends -- and to me, that is something worth protecting. And maybe the dress will just look like an ivory colored evening gown (it won't have a train or veil, or be similar to your dress, will it?) But if not, SHE will look really weird and narcissistic, and YOU will look really mature and kind. I know it wouldn't be easy, though -- although I can promise you that no matter what, NO ONE is going to have trouble knowing who the bride is, it would still be a distraction. It wouldn't look like 2 brides, just like one bride and one person who needs a lot of attention. If you do feel you must ask her to step down, it will be easier because she was the only bridesmaid; you can just say that you decided just to go with one attendant (especially if it's a relative).

Good luck handling this situation. You wil have a wonderful wedding no matter what.

I would have concerns about this gal as a bridesmaid at all; she made a mess of practically the first thing she did. How insensitive to just go buy the dress she wanted! You must have almost fainted when you learned what she had gotten. Maybe she just doesn't realize that the bride is the only one in a white wedding dress!

Gellchom has great advice for you, but I would not "sit tight" on this one. Obviously you are not going to have this dress in your wedding, so I would call her and ask if the order can be cancelled since it was just placed, or ask her to check into the return policy. You might mention that you want a certain color to coordinate with flowers, the season, etc. Anything to smooth this over. Maybe you can get someone else to call for you--MOH would be great.

Good luck.

she sent me an email this morning stating that she can't be in my wedding because she has to tour w/her husband for the whole month of june for a gospel group he sings in. what was she going to do? wait until the day of the wedding to tell me? she said she is the spokesperson for this group and her husband just told her about the tour last night. i think if she was to be on tour she would have known before last night, considering the date is so close. maybe this is her way of telling me she'd rather not be MOH. i am never going to have a wedding again! we are scrounging every penny just to be able to have it, total cost is around 2,000. i grew up in many foster homes, so i don't have family to depend on, or friends for that matter. maybe i'll get there and there will only be 5 people or so there, i hope not. that will be embarrassing and i'll be hurt. i've invited 30, but doubt that many will come. it's a shame when people grow up in foster homes,cause it affects the rest of their lives. thanks to everyone who offered advice, your answers helped me see that at least i'm trying to be a good person. maybe i should just cancel the whole thing. maybe its one dream that will only end up embarrassing myself. the only problem is i can't get a refund for the dj or the reception hall, or john sines jr, or the butterflies. i was hoping to have a beautiful ceremony in the park by the waterfall. thanks guys to all for listening.

oh, bsniffles, my heart really goes out to you. You have had a tough time. I am so glad that you have found someone wonderful to share the future with, and I hope that the next chapter of your life will be a very happy one.

Please do not cancel your lovely, romantic wedding. It's not about whether it ends up looking exactly as you pictured or not (NO ONE's ever does, anyway). It is about the two of you starting your marriage. I hope all your guests do come, but really all that is important is the two of you. Keep your focus on that, not on the number of people, the weather, butterflies, or anything else (and certainly not that ridiculous bridesmaid -- consider yourself lucky she backed out; that dress thing sounded like just the beginning of headaches with her). If you keep your perspective, remembering what is and isn't truly important in the end, your wedding will be beautiful and romantic no matter what happens with any of the arrangements. If it's only five guests, then it will be a lovely, special day for you and those five guests, and too bad for the fools who missed out.

If you want to keep all your plans the way they are, no matter how many people are there, why not? It might be even more fun if you choose to look at it that way: a DJ and a musician playing just for your little intimate group, as if you were royalty. If you decide you WANT to change the arrangements, don't feel bad -- people change their plans all the time. Don't let deposits deter you too much; it can't cost more NOT to have something than to have it. You may be surprised that you can indeed get all or part of your deposits back, especially if you cancel early enough for them to get another job. Can't hurt to ask, if that's what you want. I actually love the idea about the quiet, little ceremony by a waterfall in the park -- I've been to lots of weddings in halls, but never that.

The main thing is that it is up to YOU how to look at everything. This is true both for you and for your guests, who will take their cue from you. If you choose to look at yourself as a helpless victim, then even a flawless wedding for 200 will seem disappointing. But if you make up your mind that no matter what happens with any of the arrangements, this is going to be a wonderful, happy, day, then it WILL be. (My cousin had an outdoor ceremony, and it started to rain -- first a little, then pretty hard. He and his bride just laughed and went on, and soon all the guests were laughing and having a marvelous time as we hid under tablecloths or whatever was handy -- it turned out to be a big PLUS. Can you imagine what would have happened to the mood if they had started to cry or whine about their "ruined" wedding?) Smile, laugh at any reverses, and enjoy the people around you and yourselves -- and I'll bet everyone will say it is the nicest wedding they ever attended.

bsniffles, consider yourself lucky that this "friend" is no longer in your wedding. If she ordered a wedding gown to wear to a wedding in which she was not the bride...please she sounds loopy. It's a good thing she backed out. I wouldn't worry about the amount of people that show up. Some of my most fun memories of weddings are of ones that were of a small, intimate gathering. The bride and groom can spend more time with the guests. Not quickly table hopping like at my wedding to make sure I said thank you to all quests for attending, etc. Also at another large wedding I was the MOH in,(I don't know why I said yes to this woman we are only aquaintences) I had to have a god ugly dress made for me. She picked out the pattern, I had to have my hair done in an updo. I like my hair down, and to top it off the Best Man was a CAT! So their I was in a dress I didn't like, in a hairdo that was ugly, pushing a cat in a tuxedo in a stroller down the aisle! Can you imagine! My husband took pictures and has blackmailed me a couple of times with them if I didn't do as he asked. Rub his stinky feet, get him an ice tea, you get the picture. I only tell you this and you will keep it quiet won't you, just between us girls to let you know that there are worse things then having a small wedding. Try pushing a cat in a stroller! Take care darlin' know that you have friends here at the wedding forum that will help you and are thinking about you. NancyLouise

Nancylouise, that is hilarious! I can't believe that people would do such a thing.

Bsniffles, I agree with gellchom. You can have a lovely wedding with only a small number of guests that really want to be there for you. You may want to check into reducing the number of hours that you have the DJ if you can't get your deposit back, but do go ahead with your plans. They sound lovely. Remember, this is your day and your groom's - don't let others get you down.

I know sweet pea, my husband and 2 daughters were sitting in back of the church trying hard not to laugh out loud at me as I strolled by. Then when I was giving a reading at the podium I could see them all smiles and whispering to each other. I did learn how to say NO to things I really don't want to do after this eppisode. So something good did come out of it!
bsniffles, I know your wedding will be wonderful because the two most important people will be there you and your husband to be. NancyLouise

Thank you all so very much! I had not looked at it in the way that you pointed out, but rather that weddings were supposed to have a large amount of people there. NancyLouise, that is so funny! And i won't tell a soul. You guys have given me the support that i needed at a very crucial time in my life. You have shown me love, as only a friend can do. It is so nice to know that i really do have true friends, even if it is only on the net. To me, the love and support you all have shown me is very prescious. It's something that i never expected, not in my wildest dreams. You are all right. I AM going to have my wedding, and I AM going to have fun, even if only a few people show up.There's an old Indian legend that says if you want a wish to come true,you must first whisper that wish upon the wings of a butterfly. Since the butterfly can make no sound, it can not tell anyone that wish. The butterfly carries the wish to the great spirit, who hears and sees all. In gratitude for giving the butterfly its freedom, the great spirit grants your wish. I had the legend printed out on cards, and they will be handed out along with the butterflies in their boxes at the end of the ceremony. The BM and the MOH are going to walk down the rows of chairs and pass them out. Then, we are all going to make a wish and release the butterflies.I didn't know what my wish was going to be, but i know now. I am going to be thinking of all of you, and the love and friendship that you have shown to me,and i am going to enjoy wedding thanks to each of you. so my wish is going to be that even though i don't you and you're not there, you'll be there in spirit. i am going to wish that each of you have a very happy life and have many great blessings. after all, if it weren't for you, i'd be feeling sad on my day. but instead, i'm going to be focusing on the positive and enjoying myself. thanks guys, to all of you. you truly are a blessing from above.

What a very sweet thing to say! I am sure we are all glad that we could be helpful. Someday you will have the opportunity to do the same for someone else, and you can remember us then. You bet we'll "be there" with you. When is your wedding? Be sure to post after and tell us all about it. It's going to be great.

Here is my wish for you: that you have a lovely wedding, that you both share great happingess in the future -- and that you don't crack up as you walk down the aisle because you're thinking of poor nancylouise and that cat!

gellchom,thank you..my wedding is june 17 of this year. AS i walk down the aisle, i will be thinking about nancylouise and that cat...great idea! That will really give me something to smile about and enjoy my day. Thanks for the idea and great laugh! I'll use that as my "crutch" for all the stress and i'm sure that will keep me smiling. I'll keep you all posted on how it goes. We go to Charlotte, NC every year in May for the 600 nascar race, so we are leaving on the 23rd of this month and returning on the 29th. I am soo looking forward to that...I NEED a vacation! Thanks to all..i'll keep you posted.

hello everyone..i have great news..i found a replacement for the "cruella deville" bridesmaid...lol...the groomsman's wife..i called and asked her this evening and she said she was honored that i asked her. i didn't explain the ordeal w/the other bridesmaid, so she doesn't know anything about it. i figured some things are better left unspoken. also, i spoke to the lady where we are all getting our gowns and tuxedos and she said she used to do hair and make-up before she opened her shop, and i asked her to do mine on my big day, and she agreed. so now i can get it all done in one place verses running around all over town. as for the dj,we are going to have a "grandmother's" dance, and play her favorite song, as she is the only grandparent i have left that is still living. she will be 83 this year and she walks faster than me (i'm 36). for the wedding party intro's he's playing the rocky theme, and for the wedding party dance he's playing the cha-cha slide...that should be fun considering none of us know how to do it! but not to worry..the dj does so he said he'd get in front and lead and we could follow along..it won't be the best coordinated dance in the world but hey, it will be fun. what a memory for my pictures! finally, for the cake cutting, he's playing love and marriage, and the part that says "you can't have 1 w/out the other", i'm going to point to myself and my husband as i sing along...everyone will be laughing and we'll all have fun. i hope i picked out some good songs to have fun with. i'm really getting excited now!!

Your plans sound just wonderful! Glad you found someone else to be in your wedding party. I think you were right not to tell her what you've been through with "cruella!" LOL! You don't want to make her feel like she's second choice.

Picking the music is a lot of fun, isn't it? There are so many good songs to choose from. Did you choose a song for your first dance with your husband?

I'm a little worried about having your hair done by someone the first time on your wedding day. Is it a pretty simple style, or could you refix it yourself if you are not happy? Is there a chance of a practice hairdo a week or two before the wedding?

Definitely have a practice hair styling and bring your veil. That way, she can create something that looks good on you and looks good with the veil.

i hadn't thought of a practice hairstyle. i assumed that she'd do a good job since she used to do hair. i'll be sure to ask for a practice.
our first dance is going to be to a song by aerosmith, "i don't wanna miss a thing".
thanks to you all for the helpful advice. i don't have any real support here so i'm kind of on my own, and you all have provided me the support i needed. thanks for looking out for me..thank god someone is!

i hadn't thought of a practice hairstyle. i assumed that she'd do a good job since she used to do hair. i'll be sure to ask for a practice.
our first dance is going to be to a song by aerosmith, "i don't wanna miss a thing".
thanks to you all for the helpful advice. i don't have any real support here so i'm kind of on my own, and you all have provided me the support i needed. thanks for looking out for me..thank god someone is!

Definitely do a practice session with your hairstylist...When my daughter got married, we did that -- and ended up switching stylists because the style wasn't at all what DD had in mind (in spite of the fact that we brought a couple of pictures!). We had to pay for the practice style -- but it was well worth it!

oK..I THOUGHT THINGS WERE GETTING BEETER, AND I WAS STARTING TO FEEL BETTER BUT THEN...WHAM. 2 DAYS AGO, MY HUSBAND TO BE (HE'S A LOCAL TRUCK DRIVER), WAS HELD AT GUNPOINT AND ROBBED, AT A REST AREA, IN BROAD DAYLIGHT. THE MAN WAS WEARING A SKI MASK, AND TOOK OFF RUNNING AFTERWARDS. MY HTBE CHASED HIM. THE GUY RAN TOWARDS THE BATHROOMS THEN DISAPPEARED. A NEARBY MAN ASKED WHAT WAS WRONG AND WHEN HE TOLD HIM, CALLED 911, OR SO HE THOUGHT. THE PERSON ON THE OTHER END OF THE PHONE WAS NOT A POLICE OFFICER. SO NOW, WE ARE OUT OF $1269.00 HE HAD DRAWN MONEY OUT OF THE BANK AND WAS GOING TO PAY OFF THE VENDORS FOR THE WEDDING,SO WE WOULD HAVE THAT OVER WITH. (A FEW EXCEPTIONS, SUCH AS PHOTOGRAPHER, ETC). THE STATE POLICE SAID THAT THEY WOULD DO AN INVESTIGATION BUT IT WAS UNLIKELY THEY WOULD BE ABLE TO SOLVE THE CASE. THEY BELIEVE IT WAS AN INSIDE JOB BUT CANNOT PROVE IT. HE WAITED FOR ABOUT 1/2 HOUR BUT THE POLICE NEVER SHOWED, SO HE LEFT. THE SUPPOSED POLICE OFFICER ON THE OTHER END OF THE PHONE TOLD HIM THAT IF HE COULDN'T IDENTIFY ANYONE THERE WASN'T MUCH THEY COULD DO, SO THAT'S WHY HE LEFT. HE REALIZES NOW THAT HE SHOULD HAVE CALLED 911 HIMSELF BUT AT THE TIME THOUGHT AN INNOCENT BYSTANDER WAS HELPING OUT BY ACTUALLY CALLING THE POLICE. HE'S NEVER HAD ANY ALTERCATIONS BEFORE INVOLVING THE POLICE SO HE DIDN'T KNOW THAT THE POLICE WOULD RESPOND TO A CALL REGARDLESS. PLEASE, EVERYONE, BE CAREFUL AT REST AREAS AND TRUCK STOPS. AS FOR THE WEDDING, I DON'T KNOW HOW WE'RE GOING TO BE ABLE TO PAY FOR EVERYTHING NOW, PERHAPS WE WON'T EVEN BE ABLE TO HAVE A WEDDING. BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, HE'S ALIVE. PLEASE, PLEASE, BE VERY CAREFUL. AND PLEASE BE VERY ATTENTATIVE WHEN YOU'RE AT A REST AREA. IF YOU SEE SOMETHING THAT JUST DOESN'T LOOK RIGHT, DON'T HESITATE TO CALL FOR HELP. IT JUST MAY NOT BE YOUR IMAGINATION. IT'S ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY.

Oh, poor bsniffles! How scary and awful for your poor fiance. I am so glad he was not hurt. As you wisely acknowledge, that's the most important thing. No -- it's the ONLY important thing.

Once the two of you have had a chance to catch your breath (whether he realizes it or not, he is still in shock), you'll be able to figure out what to do -- TOGETHER. Maybe you can tell your vendors what happened and ask if they can give you a little more time to pay, or if you can trim things down somehow. They would rather have a smaller job than no job. I'm sure they get requests for changes all the time, and even cancellations; this may not seem like such a big deal to them. Anyway, it can't hurt to ask.

Good luck! We're all thinking of you.