Pregnant Daughter-in_Law

17 years ago

My son is getting married... in July. We/They are still in planning stages and nothing has been etched in stone as of yet. He announced they are expecting in early Oct. I suggested they move the wedding up a bit before she starts showing due to the fact that both families have older family members attending. I know that my parents (my son's grparents) as well other family members are what the kids say "old school" and I want to avoid any whispering.... if you know what I mean. I know it is their day and I am trying to be very respectful... so any advice would be most welcome.

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Comments (7)

colleenoz
17 years ago
It seems to me that a hasty wedding up will also result in whispering, which will be confirmed when the baby is born. So either your son and future DIL have a rushed wedding with whispers, or a well-planned wedding with whispers. Plus, if your DIL suffers from morning sickness in the first few months, how much is she going to be enjoying her own wedding? I know which I'd choose.
nancylouise5me
17 years ago
I would keep the wedding plans as is. The deed is done and it won't make a difference now. Let the couple enjoy the plans they have made and the type of wedding they want. The "oldsters" will just have to deal with it...not that it is any of their business to begin with. NancyLouise
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Finchlover, I'm going to try to tread lightly here, because I don't want to cause you any more grief. That said, I am appalled at the reaction of your other children. Before you get mad at me, I'll share some of my life with you. My daughter died at home by her own hand just over two years ago as well. She was only 13 at the time. So, I kind of know what you went through. I say kind of, because there are always differences. We live in a small town, so there was no option to just blend in. Everyone knew what happened. You absolutely should not disown your DIL. You do not want to break ties with the mother of your grandchildren. Your other children need to back off and realize that your son did this to himself. No one make anyone else kill themselves. Shame on them for blaming her. One day they will probably realize this. I also feel compassion for your other children because it would be wonderful if they actually COULD blame her. Then they wouldn't have to fully face what your other son did. My daughter had a very difficult time with her sisters death. She still has a hard time, and she always will. I do see both sides of this. They shouldn't disown her either, because to do so would to cut off any contact with your son's precious children. Please understand that if I said anything that hurt you, it was not intended to do so. Like I said, I can empathize with you in a way that most people cannot. I wish you all the best and hug those grandkids for me.
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I see why your husband was upset. Your daughter chose to live with her boyfriend at a way too young age, got pregnant, and now she gets to come home and take away your ss's room! Hardly seems fair! I do not think your daughter should be out on the street. If you make her get her own place with a baby right now then she will probably not get an education and she will probably end up settling for some guy who she thinks will take care of her and start on a bad path. What I suggest is helping her through college. She is not your dependant as far as financial aid is concerned once she becomes a parent. So this will leave her eligible for many grants. I was in the same situation at her age and community college was free to me because of grants and I kept an A average. My dad helped me and I worked full-time at a daycare through college so I got a discount for my son and was still able to spend part of the day with him. Then I went to classes the other part of the day and he stayed at the daycare. Help her get on her feet so she can support herself and the baby. Yes, she should go for child support but you don't want her dependant on it. God knows there are many deadbeat dads and what if hers is one! As for your dh I would work on things with him. Set up a plan together for household rules and a time frame of how long you will help your daughter. As for her sleeping arrangements, sleeping on a couch and putting a crib by it may not work. Maybe she could take the smallest room and the boys could have the largest one?
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sweet_pea10
17 years ago
As you mention, this is the couple's decision. One thing that the bride may not be considering this far in advance is how she may feel on a very warm day in July when she is 6 months along. If they keep the original date, she may want to think about things like temperature, how tired she may be toward the end of the reception, etc., particularly if they are planning an outdoor event. A bit of tweaking of the plans can make the day much more enjoyable for her.
talley_sue_nyc
17 years ago
many of those oldsters have contemporaries that found themselves in the same position. I'm not so sure they'll be as shocked as you think.

Though they might like the fiction to be preserved a little.

And maybe it would look more seemly for the couple to try to separate the events by as much time as is practical.

My nephew and his bride moved their wedding from October to June, so they could be married before the due date (important for insurance reasons), and so that she wouldn't be showing too terribly much. We all knew why, and thought it was a smart move.

I will say that I admired them for moving it up as far as they did; an obviously large tummy would have been a bit of a distraction. And I liked the acknowledgment (implied by their timing) that marriage should come before babies.

Something else the bride might want to consider: When you start to show, all the attention is now on the baby, it's all anybody can talk about. if she's showing at the wedding, all the focus will be on the baby, and it will not be on her and her groom, or their marriage, etc. The marriage idea won't be treated as a fresh, new thing for them, something people are excited about. It'll be treated as a check-off-the-list item related to the upcoming birth.

I wouldn't want my marraige to share the spotlight on my wedding day with some other life event. I wouldn't even really want to make a big fuss about someone else's 13th wedding anniversary or 72nd birthday.

Having been through both (wedding, and being pregnant w/ extended family around), I can tell you--babies trump everything. I would want my wedding to be its own focus.

I wish them luck!
lindac
17 years ago
I'd be telling them to hie themselves to a Justice of the peace next week and have a big splashy reception later.
I know lots of people don't seem to worry too much about a child's birthday in relation to the parent's wedding anniversary...but in fact they do....and both are pretty much engraved in stone. I have a greatgrandmother who gave birth to my grandfather's brother 11 months after her husband died. As a kid I often wondered about the relationship, because remarks were made with a nudge and a wink and I didn't understand. Also friends of mine were looking to settle his father's estate and found out that his father was 16 when he married his 22 year old mother and his brother was born 3 months later.
Tell them to get married ASAP and throw a big reception as soon as you can get it together.
I also wish them luck.
Linda C
Vickey__MN
17 years ago
I think they should stick with their original plans...just make sure she gets a dress that will "Expand" with her waist line. PEople will talk either way. (hey they talk even when the bride isn't pregnant, they count the month until it's too many for her to be preggers!!). I have a friend who's favorite pic at her wedding is the "champagne" toast. DS decided to kick just then. SHe's obviously preg. holding her belly with the champagne (it's sparkling cider) glass in her hand. VERY CUTE.

Vickey-MN
sweet_pea10
17 years ago
Talley Sue mentioned insurance - that may be an issue that the couple need to consider. For instance, if they hope to have insurance cover the birth, they may need to have been married for a certain number of months before the insurance will be active or will pay. Or, it is possible that the insurance had to be in effect before conception, but things to consider.

Pregnant Daughter-in_Law

Comments (7)

colleenoz

nancylouise5me

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