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Fiance wants to invite an ex-girlfriend to Wedding

Posted by ja23 (My Page) on
Thu, Mar 5, 09 at 15:14

So my fiance wants to invite his ex-girlfriend to the wedding. Not only that, but now I think he's trying to get her invited to the Rehearsal Dinner also. I, obviously, would prefer that she disappeared off the face of this planet.

Now I know that these cases are extremeley fact specific, and whether I'm reasonable in feeling this way, or just being immature really depends on these facts, so here are some details:

1. I knew the fiance was good friends with his ex-gf, and didn't mind until after I met her. After I met her is when she really started to bother me.

2. When we met, she was really possessive of my fiance. For example, when he put his hand on my arm and started rubbing it, she immediately flung her body accross the entire dinner table just so she could rub his arm and comment on "how cute that was."

3. She also commented on a necklace of mine that the fiance had given me. But instead of saying, "I like your necklace" she said "I like your [insert fiance's name]" Freudian slip on her part? Honest mistake caused by too much wine? You can decide.

4. She lives on the other side of the country. But my fiance had to spend about 1 month in her city for work, and would meet up with her a lot during this time. After he came back, he slipped up and called me by her name. That was probably the last straw that made me decide: I really don't like this girl.

5. To be fair, he doesn't talk with her much anymore, and he has cut back on talking with her a lot (compared to how much he did before we met)

6. However, I happened to bring up her name the other day, and I think that sparked his memory of "his good friend" because now he seems interested in trying to talk to her again and, as I mentioned before, he seems interested in inviting her to the Rehearsal Dinner. (mistake on my part...I should have refrained from talking about her..!)

So, at any rate, she's invited to the wedding. And I'm not going to veto that since she's a good friend of his. However, I'm obviously hating the fact that she'll be there. And if the fiance does try to invite her to the Rehearsal Dinner, I'm definitely fighting that (my belief is that the Rehearsal Dinner should be wedding party and immediate family only).

I guess my question is, am I just being mature and insecure, and I should just try to let this all go? Or do I actually have a reason to be upset? Anyone else go through similar situations?

Thanks!


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Fiance wants to invite an ex-girlfriend to Wedding

Have no problem with the "good friend" attending the wedding. That is fine. I totally agree with you that she should not attend the rehearsal dinner. That is as you stated wedding party, family, officiant, and the photographer if you chose to take pictures, that's it. She is neither a family member or a member of the wedding. I think you are being very mature. She's going to the wedding isn't she? You say that when she is gone, soon to be hubby doesn't much pay her any mind. Once you are married I bet things will be that way again. Out of site, out of mind. Let your fiance know how you feel about who is to attend the rehearsal dinner and "just say no' to the friend. Congratulations on your up coming wedding too! NancyLouise


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RE: Fiance wants to invite an ex-girlfriend to Wedding

Unless every out of town guest is being invited to the rehearsal dinner (and it sounds like that is not the case) then she shouldn't be invited to the rehearsal dinner. And don't assume that him wanting her at the wedding means there is nothing going on. I know a woman who learned her husband's "friend" who came to the wedding was actual his lover, before and after the wedding.


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RE: Fiance wants to invite an ex-girlfriend to Wedding

I agree with the notion that it all depends on who is invited to the rehearsal dinner. If all the out of town guests are invited, she should be too. (Keep in mind that the rehearsal dinner hosts are his parents, so it is their party.) Otherwise, she should not be invited.

I think you need to have a sit down discussion with your fiance. He ought to understand that you have concerns and insecurities, and he should make every effort to avoid making the situation any worse for his bride than it is already. Nevertheless, it's good to see you questioning yourself here too. There needs to be give and take to make for a wonderful wedding for both the bride and groom.


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RE: Fiance wants to invite an ex-girlfriend to Wedding

Go with your instincts. I think there is something else going on with them from what you have posted.


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RE: Fiance wants to invite an ex-girlfriend to Wedding

There's a problem here, but it isn't the rehearsal dinner.

She is not comfortable with her fiance's relationship with this woman. Either she is overreacting -- in which case that's the problem -- or she is picking up on something real between them (even if there has been no misbehavior) -- in which case that's the problem.

I can't tell which it is, but either way, no answer about "who is supposed to be invited" is going to help. The real problem would be there even if there were no rehearsal dinner at all.

If she's not comfortable with her fiance's emotional and physical fidelity to her, then she ought to be thinking about what to do about the marriage, not the rehearsal dinner.


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RE: Fiance wants to invite an ex-girlfriend to Wedding

Gellchom great post.

If it was me, I'd probably put the wedding on hold until I knew for sure what was going on. Although it appears they have remained friends after the breakup, it's an uncomfortable situation for the bride. I don't see what the big deal is that she not go to the wedding either.

Marriage is about give and take, compromise. This marriage doesn't appear to be starting off too well. The OP will always wonder about them, it's not going to go away.

4. She lives on the other side of the country. But my fiance had to spend about 1 month in her city for work, and would meet up with her a lot during this time. After he came back, he slipped up and called me by her name. That was probably the last straw that made me decide: I really don't like this girl.

If it was me, I'd give him a week or 2 to decide who matters in his life. I would feel uncomfortable after that. Who knows if they reconnected, (not necessarily sex) and now wonder about their feelings for each other?

Why is it so important she come?

5. To be fair, he doesn't talk with her much anymore, and he has cut back on talking with her a lot (compared to how much he did before we met)

How do you know? Could he erase text messages?
How about on the computer? IM?
What about gaming?

I'm not there (obviously) but from your post, I don't see how you 2 will be able to spend the rest of your lives together with her hanging over your relationship. Marriage is very hard and something like this makes it even harder.


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RE: Fiance wants to invite an ex-girlfriend to Wedding

You know you can't live with this ongoing thing. Inviting her to the wedding and the dinner is essentially announcing that the "friendship" is OK with everyone and WILL be continuing indefinitely. Obviously this is not OK with you.

Postpone the wedding. If you let this go down like it's about to, you'll be annoyed with it forever. Solve this problem now, not after the wedding. Don't pretend everything will be OK later -- it won't. Marriage typically includes family and friends. If you can't bear it, speak clearly and loudly and now. Risk is, it may be a deal-breaker. If so, allow it to be and thank your lucky stars.


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RE: Fiance wants to invite an ex-girlfriend to Wedding

Ditto Asolo. Postpone the wedding. Don't pretend. Your choice now will have a big impact on your future. If you aren't comfortable, don't do it.


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