Fiance wants to invite an ex-girlfriend to Wedding

15 years ago

So my fiance wants to invite his ex-girlfriend to the wedding. Not only that, but now I think he's trying to get her invited to the Rehearsal Dinner also. I, obviously, would prefer that she disappeared off the face of this planet.

Now I know that these cases are extremeley fact specific, and whether I'm reasonable in feeling this way, or just being immature really depends on these facts, so here are some details:

1. I knew the fiance was good friends with his ex-gf, and didn't mind until after I met her. After I met her is when she really started to bother me.

2. When we met, she was really possessive of my fiance. For example, when he put his hand on my arm and started rubbing it, she immediately flung her body accross the entire dinner table just so she could rub his arm and comment on "how cute that was."

3. She also commented on a necklace of mine that the fiance had given me. But instead of saying, "I like your necklace" she said "I like your [insert fiance's name]" Freudian slip on her part? Honest mistake caused by too much wine? You can decide.

4. She lives on the other side of the country. But my fiance had to spend about 1 month in her city for work, and would meet up with her a lot during this time. After he came back, he slipped up and called me by her name. That was probably the last straw that made me decide: I really don't like this girl.

5. To be fair, he doesn't talk with her much anymore, and he has cut back on talking with her a lot (compared to how much he did before we met)

6. However, I happened to bring up her name the other day, and I think that sparked his memory of "his good friend" because now he seems interested in trying to talk to her again and, as I mentioned before, he seems interested in inviting her to the Rehearsal Dinner. (mistake on my part...I should have refrained from talking about her..!)

So, at any rate, she's invited to the wedding. And I'm not going to veto that since she's a good friend of his. However, I'm obviously hating the fact that she'll be there. And if the fiance does try to invite her to the Rehearsal Dinner, I'm definitely fighting that (my belief is that the Rehearsal Dinner should be wedding party and immediate family only).

I guess my question is, am I just being mature and insecure, and I should just try to let this all go? Or do I actually have a reason to be upset? Anyone else go through similar situations?

Thanks!

Comments (8)

nancylouise5me
15 years ago
Have no problem with the "good friend" attending the wedding. That is fine. I totally agree with you that she should not attend the rehearsal dinner. That is as you stated wedding party, family, officiant, and the photographer if you chose to take pictures, that's it. She is neither a family member or a member of the wedding. I think you are being very mature. She's going to the wedding isn't she? You say that when she is gone, soon to be hubby doesn't much pay her any mind. Once you are married I bet things will be that way again. Out of site, out of mind. Let your fiance know how you feel about who is to attend the rehearsal dinner and "just say no' to the friend. Congratulations on your up coming wedding too! NancyLouise
sue36
15 years ago
Unless every out of town guest is being invited to the rehearsal dinner (and it sounds like that is not the case) then she shouldn't be invited to the rehearsal dinner. And don't assume that him wanting her at the wedding means there is nothing going on. I know a woman who learned her husband's "friend" who came to the wedding was actual his lover, before and after the wedding.
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ok renaruto this may be a case in which you provided way too much info and details about your ex wife to your new girlfriend and now she is using that against you which imo is immature and only shows how insecure she really is, i only say that because this exact situation has happened to me before only thing different is that my son is 5 yo and is unable to keep a cell phone....women can be very good at hiding their true feelings about certain issues to get you to open up to them and disclose unnecessary information and due to their own insecurities will make you the bad guy when all you were doing from the get go is being totally honest ...i do believe that sometimes theres such a thing as being too honest...did you really have to tell your new gf that your ex wife still wants you?... by saying that you set your self up for constant drama and nagging everytime she contacts you whether it is important or not...any way the answer to your problem lies in your heart i made my decision to make my son a priority and had to break up with my previous gf the good thing was that i am now with a woman who understands and supports my decision to be a good father and doesnt question the communication between me and my sons mother it is truly a beautiful feeling to not feel like you have to choose sides between the ones you love if she really loves and respects you she will trust you and leave it all up to you to set boundaries with your ex wife without having to butt in...hope this advice is not too late
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Talley Sue has it exactly right, as always. Send invitations, not announcements, to those whom you want to invite. Don't send some "casual" invitations and some "formal" -- all the same, whether or not you think they will attend. Don't overdo it in an attempt to be helpful; it very quickly becomes pushy. I understand that you want to give people plenty of time to plan (and save up). But unless you run with a very wealthy crowd, please understand that very few people will be able to accept your invitation, and don't feel hurt that most cannot. (If they don't, it won't be because you didn't send them enough brochures and stuff early.) I think you can even pretty much figure on only your closest family and friends, and probably relatively few of them. That being the case, it should be easy just to let them know (if they don't already) that the wedding will be in Jamaica and what the date is. I would do this by phone call, a handwritten note, or e-mail, not a printed "pre-invitation" (you save a little money that way, too). You can either ask them if they'd like you to send the info about the resort, or just included it with a letter or as an e-mail attachment. I'm happy for you that some of your friends or relatives (you just said "couples") say they are planning to attend. Expect some drop-off, though. My cousin had his wedding in Kenya (where his fiance's family lived, not just because it was cool), and they sent us all info that did make it seem like the trip of a lifetime. Although several of us said we'd try to come, and we meant it (at least before learning the cost!), in the none of us did. Yes, it would have been amazing. But if I am going to save up that kind of dough, I want it to be for MY trip of a lifetime, not someone else's. Jamaica would be a lot less than Kenya, but it is still an expensive trip for just a weekend (except maybe for Floridians) so you may be contemplating everyone making it a whole week or something. But please understand that few people will be able to arrange their vacation schedules around your wedding plans, and even those who could might prefer to choose their own destinations and arrangements for what will be rather an expensive trip and possibly their only vacation of the year. There is another string going on about destination weddings right now; you might want to check it out. Is there some reason that the ceremony itself, not just the honeymoon, has to be in Jamaica?
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Wow! My sympathies to you. What a mess. Listen, you are taking on too much responsibility for your sister's behavior and her relationship with Mom. I don't think there is any "diplomatic way to discuss this" with her, because there isn't a thing you could say to her that she would hear. She has made up her mind to try to hide her mom and excuses her cruelty because it is Her Wedding -- believe me, you can't fight that kind of tsunami, and it isn't your responsibility to do it. She will ruin or strenghthen her family relationships as she will, and if you try to interfere, no matter how good your intentions, everyone will end up mad at YOU. It just always seems to happen. It's really hard to stay out of it, but it's worth it. Instead, I would focus on what you can do directly to help your MOM feel better. I know you will be busy, but maybe you can keep your eyes open for opportunities to drive her, spend time with her, keep her up to date on fun things about the wedding (if that would make her feel good, not bad), etc. I would definitely stay away from language like "zealot," "anorexic," "plastic surgery addict," etc. The last thing your family needs is more drama and bile. Good luck to all of you.
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I am sure Talley Sue is correct about what Crane's and other authorities say. And I get the point about simplicity, hosts only listed on the invitation, and the invitation not being about credits. However, I can tell you that we get dozens of wedding invitations every year, and they all give the groom's parents' names, too. The only exceptions are the ones from much older couples who are issuing the invitations themselves, or from couples who style the invitation "Together with their parents/families, Petunia Smith and Cuthbert Jones request the pleasure of your company as they are married ...." The latter formulation seems to be when there is some sort of complicated family circumstance regarding lots of stepparents or something. Even the ones that have, in every other respect, the most formal wording, still include the grooms' parents' names: "Mr. and Mrs. Zebulon Smith request the honour of your presence at the marriage of their daughter, Petunia Ann, to Cuthbert Arthur Jones, son of Mr. and Mrs. Norbert Jones ...." I imagine that in many cases, both sets of parents are hosting, or at least contributing money. But even where (as the formal wording indicates) only the brides' parents are, they always name the groom's parents, too. My point is that even though this is not correct per the etiquette rule, it is so firmly established a convention in my community that to leave off the grooms' parents names would be considered a major insult on the part of the bride's parents and would be taken as a real humiliation by the groom's parents. I'm not arguing the etiquette rule; I'm just saying that it doesn't end the analysis.
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sheilajoyce_gw
15 years ago
I agree with the notion that it all depends on who is invited to the rehearsal dinner. If all the out of town guests are invited, she should be too. (Keep in mind that the rehearsal dinner hosts are his parents, so it is their party.) Otherwise, she should not be invited.

I think you need to have a sit down discussion with your fiance. He ought to understand that you have concerns and insecurities, and he should make every effort to avoid making the situation any worse for his bride than it is already. Nevertheless, it's good to see you questioning yourself here too. There needs to be give and take to make for a wonderful wedding for both the bride and groom.
dilly_dally
15 years ago
Go with your instincts. I think there is something else going on with them from what you have posted.
gellchom
15 years ago
There's a problem here, but it isn't the rehearsal dinner.

She is not comfortable with her fiance's relationship with this woman. Either she is overreacting -- in which case that's the problem -- or she is picking up on something real between them (even if there has been no misbehavior) -- in which case that's the problem.

I can't tell which it is, but either way, no answer about "who is supposed to be invited" is going to help. The real problem would be there even if there were no rehearsal dinner at all.

If she's not comfortable with her fiance's emotional and physical fidelity to her, then she ought to be thinking about what to do about the marriage, not the rehearsal dinner.
theroselvr
15 years ago
Gellchom great post.

If it was me, I'd probably put the wedding on hold until I knew for sure what was going on. Although it appears they have remained friends after the breakup, it's an uncomfortable situation for the bride. I don't see what the big deal is that she not go to the wedding either.

Marriage is about give and take, compromise. This marriage doesn't appear to be starting off too well. The OP will always wonder about them, it's not going to go away.

4. She lives on the other side of the country. But my fiance had to spend about 1 month in her city for work, and would meet up with her a lot during this time. After he came back, he slipped up and called me by her name. That was probably the last straw that made me decide: I really don't like this girl.

If it was me, I'd give him a week or 2 to decide who matters in his life. I would feel uncomfortable after that. Who knows if they reconnected, (not necessarily sex) and now wonder about their feelings for each other?

Why is it so important she come?

5. To be fair, he doesn't talk with her much anymore, and he has cut back on talking with her a lot (compared to how much he did before we met)

How do you know? Could he erase text messages?
How about on the computer? IM?
What about gaming?

I'm not there (obviously) but from your post, I don't see how you 2 will be able to spend the rest of your lives together with her hanging over your relationship. Marriage is very hard and something like this makes it even harder.
asolo
15 years ago
You know you can't live with this ongoing thing. Inviting her to the wedding and the dinner is essentially announcing that the "friendship" is OK with everyone and WILL be continuing indefinitely. Obviously this is not OK with you.

Postpone the wedding. If you let this go down like it's about to, you'll be annoyed with it forever. Solve this problem now, not after the wedding. Don't pretend everything will be OK later -- it won't. Marriage typically includes family and friends. If you can't bear it, speak clearly and loudly and now. Risk is, it may be a deal-breaker. If so, allow it to be and thank your lucky stars.
silversword
15 years ago
Ditto Asolo. Postpone the wedding. Don't pretend. Your choice now will have a big impact on your future. If you aren't comfortable, don't do it.

Fiance wants to invite an ex-girlfriend to Wedding

Comments (8)

nancylouise5me

sue36

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