Kimberly--let me tell you a story. Dd is getting married next April. She and I just met with the planner at her venue along with her future MIL (a wonderful gal, btw). Grooms father is one of 14 kids and grooms mother is one of 8. By the time we invite all of them, their spouses, and their children (grooms first cousins) ..uh boy. We are inviting my brothers and sisters and DHs brothers and sisters. And their kids (daughters first cousins). But this group is tiny compared to the grooms. But, how do you decide???????? We don't want to slight any family. As a matter of fact, I started having palpitations just thinking about the shower. I will draw the line on the guest list for that one. Just look at the invitation...decline it and don't send a gift. I am hoping we get lots of declines ;-)

I think you are being very kind by including her and trying to help her. I agree with the others in that if it is getting too much, then don't invite her to the social gathering. She might be just a one on one friend. If she has the means, I see nothing wrong with you telling her what is expected of her. It is coming from a nurturing place. It is interesting how some people perceive things. I have an older sister who has above average intelligence and was an A student. She is married to a doctor. Yet, you would not know they are successful by the way they live and how they dress. It's fine to be comfortable in what you wear, but when you are invited to a wedding or special occasion, you should be appropriate. Once when we were discussing what she was going to bring on a cruise, she pointed to her polyester top and matching pants and said well I have this outfit.(It was something you would wear to the gym) I honestly don't get it, but when she is invited to something that is hosted by me, I start emailing her telling her what we are all wearing etc, and she now comes appropriately dressed. All this should not really matter, but I do feel that how you dress shows you are respecting the occasion. So, even growing up in the same household, kids can turn out very differently. We might never know why your friend doesn't pick up the same cues as the rest of us, but it is great that you are there to help her along the way.

Guidelines for a successful plant swap or get-together What to call it: Is it a plant swap, a get-together, party, meeting? Decide and call it that so you won't get it confused with other functions on the forum. Host(ess): Sometimes a group needs a person in charge, not always. Mostly someone to write down names, volunteers and lists, to keep the members up-to-date on who has said what and post results and changes. Also to post maps, send invitations or reminders and maybe a last minute post on where and what time the party is. Some people do forget. Also, they can be a speaker at the get-together if they feel comfy doing it, or choose someone for the task. Place & time: Poll the members for the most popular place and time. Remember, everyone can't be at every get-together. Just make sure the majority agrees. Hopefully people won't get upset with arrangements. People that live far away (raises hand lol) have to understand that the majority is the best policy. Attendance post: Make a post and have people add their name if they will be joining, or think they will. This always helps on the last day or so with the food amounts for people who are making trays and things. Food & Drinks: Poll the members and find out if they would like to each bring a dish or order something. First, make a list of things you will need at the party. Then poll for volunteers to bring things. Keep a list on paper and in posts. If everything isn't covered then be bold and ask people on the attendance list to help. Directions: Usually there are people who need directions. Keep a post updated for convenience. If possible, exchange a phone number or cell number for last minute lost people. It happens. :) It's always good for the members attending the function to print out the map or directions. If someone can make a vertual map and post the picture somewhere that is always good. I am very sight oriented. lol Carpooling: There may be a few people that can't make it because of transportation. Try to find out if anyone needs a ride to the function and see if volunteers can help them. We don't want anyone left out. :) List of possible things needed for get-togethers. Some are optional ideas Tables Tables covers Chairs Name Tags (you may use the example if you'd like) Paper/plastic plates Drinking cups Utinsils Serving spoons/utinsils Foil and clingwrap Napkins/papertowels Trash options Cleaning things (I always carry a broom, dishtowels, glass cleaner, lysol, gloves, papertowels. I always clean public toilets before guests arrive) Toilet paper (I always bring my own for guests) Hand soap (I always bring my own for guests) Tickets for door prizes Banner Coffe Maker (remember filters) Music (choose carefully or take a poll) List of possible foods and drinks for get-togethers. Sandwiches Chips & Dips Hors D'oeuvres (had to look this up lol) Pop Coffee Tea Beer (carefully watch youngsters) Ice Giant sub from Subway (these are affordable) Pizza Buffalo Wings Chicken from KFC or another place Casseroles Kabobs (many different kinds) Cut up fruits & veggies Cakes Pies Ice Cream (maybe with rootbeer) :) I love floats lol Cook-out meat: Hambuger, chicken, ribs, etc..... And don't forget the BBQ sauce! :) Safety tips: Try not to use milk/cream products unless it's powdered, like for coffee. Try not to use mayonaise. If you do use it, make sure it's kept cool at all times. (cooler) Try not to let more than one person handle meat products. Cook thoroughly to kill harmful bacteria that can cause food poisoning. Always wash hands with warm soapy water before serving. Wear gloves if possible. Last minute tips: Label your dishes for ID Bring a guest book if you want a momento (these can be fun) Decide about alcohol before party. Take polls about it. Make an "ingredients" label for homemade sauces, dips, etc. Some people can be allergic to some foods.

It sounds to me like someone checked off the names they wanted in Outlook or a similar contact manager and paid no attention at all to how the names were said or if there would be a question as to whether it meant plus spouses, plus children, etc. Not so much lacking in etiquette as utterly clueless about how to make a guest list in the first place. Anne, good for you for sticking with the notion that these are good friends even when feelings were being hurt. There are a heck of a lot of clueless people in the world and it would be a lonely place if we dumped all of them just for one thoughtless gaff. As to gifts, thinking along the lines of Littlebug's joke, how about a home organizer kit? If they're combining two households, plus wedding gifts, they probably have a lot of stuff, some of it valuable. A home organizer kit, with one of those engraving pens for marking electronics, ledgers (spreadsheets) for insureables, pouches for receipts, a binder for insurance policies, bank documents, trust papers, etc., a file box for instruction manuals, plus things like note paper to write the stories of heirlooms on, colorful stickers, maybe even a garage sale kit, could also help them learn to be organized. :) Or you can get them something as random as the invitation. Go to a china shop or department store with a good return policy for bridal and get the most interesting looking random thing in your price range. Maybe a glass and silver pickle jar or a strange art glass vase.