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How we have been :-)

Posted by yabber (My Page) on
Wed, Dec 14, 11 at 23:41

Ok I've been lurking and not writing much, but it's so nice you guys ask how we are! The reason I haven't posted much is because I didn't have anything nice to report on the stepfamily situation, and if you have nothing nice to say..

It's not all doom and gloom though, plenty other good stuff has happened:

-FDH and I have been on a big trip to Europe which was absolutely amazing. I've lived there most of my life, but FDH had never left Australia before so it was a big deal. My family has been over here several times so everyone already knew eachother, that was good too: no awkwardness.

-After the big trip he decided he didn't need to put up with his moody boss any longer so he started looking for another job, found one soon after and decided to enrol in a course as well. I'm so happy for him!

-I've changed my lifestyle to a more healthy one and it's incredible how much better I feel because of it. Not that I was so unhappy/unhealthy before, but it's just amazing how big a difference more exercise makes. We eat pretty healthy and I refuse to give up chocolate :-) but I go for a run more often and I do pilates. Add some more fruit to the list, and presto!

-Our doggieboy has been limping for a long time and we always thought it was because of arthritis in his hip so not much we could do to help him, although we tried what we could. Turns out his knee ligament was partly torn but the vet had not picked it up before, until it got so bad we had X Rays taken. He's had surgery and is now recovering. I'm looking forward to being able to take him out for plenty walks again, without the pain he's had for so long! We just love our boy to bits!

About the skids:
SD13 is not coming to stay with us anymore, BM has always tried to keep SD there, interrupted the visits, phoned SD constantly when she was with us, given her the guilt trip by crying how lonely she is when SD is not there etc etc. And finally, after years and years of it she has succeeded, SD13 is now staying with BM 100%.

SD15 was always the one to understand and resist BM's pressure a lot better (that's why SD13 is BM's favorite: no resistance there). She's still coming to stay with us EOW, but she's not doing great either. She's hardly going to
school, maybe 1 or 2 days a week, she might as well drop out completely because there's no point really. FDH has had many many meetings with the school staff, for many years, but nothing has helped. Soon SD will turn 16 and then she can drop out legally anyway :-(
All she does is hang around BM's house and chat on the internet till deep into the night pretty much every night, to any stranger who will give her attention. It's beyond ridiculous, but once again: we cannot control what BM allows at her house. So at our place it's a total internet ban now, no chatting to potential pedo's on our computer!

When SD15 comes to our place she's sweet enough, but I'm just not agreeing with anything that is going on so I'm not engaging much with her. Because even though it's BM who is shaping SD this way, I do think that SD has some responsibility herself as well for her own choices. Bumming around, not going to school, not wanting to get a weekend job or something over the holidays (she quit her last job because she feels she needs a break). But what bugs me most is her new 'victim' mentality."It's not her fault she can't go to school, it's because she had a headache!And that is because other people stress her out, she can't help it! "(But that same day she can be on the internet, tweeting about how much fun she's having and later on go out to dinner with the whole family, you know what I mean?).

I have always tried to stay clear from saying things like: "SD is just like her mom when she does this or that" because all too often when parents have separated the negative traits of a child get conveniently blamed on the other parent. But for once I'll make an exception because SD is not learning this victim-mentality from us. She's developing an attitude of not being responsible for her own behavior.

I'm really worried about her because I think she'll drop out of school next year and become a couch potato. Too lazy to work or too good for the type of jobs she will have to choose from due to her lack of education. What a future she's got ahead of her...


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: How we have been :-)

Yabber, I swear we lead parallel lives on opposite sides of the world! I too have been lurking and not posting as I didn't have much nice to say.

I'm so glad to hear you and DH are both on happier, healthier paths. That's a wonderful improvement.

My SD16 is still living with her mom, a few attempts to come back home aside. It's so odd to read that you try not to draw the connection between SD and her mom but find it harder and harder, as I am in that same boat. SD has become a very talented victim, and is blameless in any of her 'issues'. . . just as her mother has always been. Her grades have plummeted while her social life has flourished. . . but not with healthy behavior. I see her taking every self-serving, easy path there is and can barely stand to watch.

Our relationship has gone from me being mom for 10 years to barely speaking. While her dad needs to be her dad no matter what, I'm finding that I don't have to be anything but his wife, and I don't have the heart for much else any more. I can't support the behaviors she exhibits or choices she makes, and she doesn't listen to her dad or I anymore because we encourage her to take the hard and often selfless path. I'm honestly dreading Christmas for the first time in my life.

I hope you have a warm and happy holiday with family and friends. . . SD13 or no SD13. Celebrate your successes!

Take care, Yabber!


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RE: How we have been :-)

Hi Ladies!! Me too, not much to report but still lurking. Glad your dog is on the way to recovery Yabber!

Our biggest deal these days is that we were supposed to get SD for Thanksgiving (per BM last year) but she changed it up. Fine. Then she "offered" to drive SD (1/2 way) for X-mas if we paid $_ _ k for her activity. SUPER generous, but um... No. Sorry. We'd rather pay for the round trip airfare!

But DH is going to go get her anyway... tried to get me to go along but I'm not the buffer anymore. He's going to have to face his ex-wife alone for the first time in 7? years?

And SD won't answer my questions of what she wants from my family... so I guess she gets what she gets.

DD's excited to see her sister though, and I'm excited too. If you took my DH and BM out of the picture, we'd be the picture perfect family, lol.


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RE: How we have been :-)

JNM and Silversword! Good to hear from you!

Hope everyone has survived Christmas and I wish you all a Happy New Year!

Our Christmas was a bit stressfull, as per usual. BM is always hell bend on getting the kids in the morning, so we were having them for dinner. Fine. Organised the whole family gathering around this, only to get a text from kids the day before(!) announcing they'd be visiting 10am till 5pm. I actually felt nauseous when we found out, UGH! Once she gets her precious morning; she needs to have dinner too, of course!!

My sweet FDH rang the skids and said that wasn't the plan, family had been organised to suit them and to just cancel 24 hours before was not on. He has a calm way of saying things (while I'm stamping my feet :-) and he managed to persuade them to come as planned.
So they came at 5pm and told FDH that BM wanted them back at 7.30pm which I think is just mean. She just cannot let them have a normal dinner at our place with the family, has to try and make it hard, rush us, spoil it, interfere, UGH!!!

We unwrapped the pressies and I had made a photo album for the girls, from birth to present, one album for each of them. It took a long long time, and it was worth it. SD13 only saw the cover and lost it. She lost it bad, crying crying crying. I was a bit overwhelmed and cried too, it was so good to see it did something to her. I made the book with the intention of reminding her of the good times we have had, I read about it in the Divorce Poison book. Hopefully one day SD13 will start coming to visit us again.

After the unwrapping the kids decided to ring their mom and tell her they didn't want to go back at 7.30 but later on after dinner. We didn't try to persuade them or anything, they had already called her and told her before they told FDH, good for them!

So Christmas Dinner was pretty good, I'm happy to say!

JNM I have been wondering about how you're doing. I really didn't think it would last with your SD, I thought she'd be back. After all it was you and DH who raised her, I always thought it would be a phase of hers she might have needed to go through :-(
It is very hard to accept that she has this 'escape' at hand at her mum's, and that BM would be undermining your every move no doubt. All your hard (and loving) work seems undone :-(

Silver: how did it go for you guys? Did you have a good Christmas? Or did you already post? I'd better have a look at the newer posts,

Take care!!


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