help

14 years ago

I am currently living with my fiance and her two girls 14 and 8 I have three of my own m-11 m-8 f-6 . The problem is she is extremly jealous of my ex wife who is jealous and wants me back after a 9 month affair with my sisters husband , we have been divorced for 4 years now and I have no interest in ever returning to her, the problem is my ex wife now am not communicating with her is using the children to try and split us up .A bigger problem than that is my fiance which won't admit would rather it be just me and her and her girls (we also have one girl due in may) she upsets one or all of my kids so they go home crying to their mom about how hateful she is to them which causes me problems with my ex, when we are without my kids life is perfect but when my kids arrive for my scheluded visits my life becomes hell . I do not want to loose her but my kids have to no I love them and will put them first if I have too. I would like to hear any advice or comments on this please.

Comments (5)

imamommy
14 years ago
Your children already know that you are not putting them first because you are allowing your fiance to upset them by acting hateful toward them and instead of coming to you, they go to their mother.

I assume you do not communicate with your ex at all because your fiance is extremely jealous? So, how do you know the ex is trying to use the kids to split you up? The kids are not happy because you allow your fiance to upset them and you are admitting your life is hell when they visit... I'm sure theirs is hell too. Besides having their future stepmom make them feel unwelcome, they also have future stepsiblings and there may be jealousy that the fiance's kids get to spend more time with you than they do... and now you're adding another baby to the mix?

You are not married to your fiance yet? Why would you let her run off your kids? If you love your kids, you need to stand up for them and put your fiance in her place. She doesn't have to 'mother' your children but the time they spend with you should not be 'hell' for anyone. She can go read a book, watch a movie or find some other activity (with her kids) to occupy herself while you spend time with your kids. Eventually, your kids are not going to want to visit you because she makes it miserable & your kids will blame you for not doing something about it.
helpdaddy
Original Author
14 years ago
Thank you makes alot of sense to me.... also the baby wasn't planned .
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justnotmartha
14 years ago
In all honestly, she should not be marrying you if she can't treat your kids as she wants you to treat hers. How would she react if you were to upset her kids they way she does yours? How would she feel if you acted as though her kids were total inconveniences and you just wanted life to be the two of you and YOUR kids?
Your fiance sounds immature and selfish. The fact she would take her emotions out on your kids tells me she is in no way suited to bring another child into the world. The feeling of wanting to push your kids out will undoubtedly get stronger once your child together is born, so you really MUST put your fiance in her place now. Additionally, your kids will feel LESS connected to you once this child is born, so showing them you will not tolerate their harm by their possible step mother is crucial. THEY should be your first concern, your new baby 2nd and then your fiance. She is an adult, and a parent. She should (hopefully) be able to understand that.
postergirl
14 years ago
The answer to your question would be clear if you weren't expecting a child with your fiance. However you are and you can't put one family in front of the other. Telling your fiance she is wrong for feeling the way she does will not help. It never helps to tell someone they shouldn't feel how they feel. See if you can convince her to go to family therapy. Whether you get married or not you will need to learn how to express your feelings to each other in postive ways and how to meet all of the children's needs with out feeling resentful. In order for your life to make any sense you, your ex, and your fiance will need to learn how to deal with each other. After all your fiance's child will be a half sibling to all the other children! Be the family hero here and at least go to family counseling yourself. You will be empowered if you find out how to deal with all of these complex individuals. Do it now, before you have teenagers to deal with. Do it for your kids. Do it so they won't do drugs, drink or have sex to escape their problems. Please, you are thier dad and you need to do this for you and for them. You can't control there mothers but you sure can be the family rock here. This is your chance - shine!
stepmomof4
14 years ago
postergirl is wise