Little annoyances

14 years ago

This isn't necessarily a stepfamily issue.... but what I believe makes it SF related is my lack of authority with a child that is not mine. If my kids do something, I call them on it, I handle it, and there is nobody to go running to... when my SD does something and gets called on it, she runs to her mom, we get a nasty email or phone call (or it gets included in court papers), etc. With my two younger kids, I had them 100% of the time and they literally had nobody to whine to. My son whined to me about his dad but I told him "that's your dad's house, his rules!" and as far as I know, his dad did the same because I didn't get rants from that side. I believe my son behaved in both homes according to each set of rules because of that. It just drives me nuts that BM keeps SD believing that BM has some sort of authority to change our rules in our house.

Well, twice in the past week SD was caught eavesdropping. Our room is at the end of the hall and there is a vent above our door that makes it easy to hear if you are standing in the hall. In the morning, DH and I talk while he is getting ready for work. SD is supposed to get herself ready (her room is on the other side of the house) and both times, we opened the door to leave & there she is... she goes into the bathroom (which is down the hall) really quickly and acts like she's brushing her hair or teeth.

It is flat out IRRITATING! We are not talking about her, her mom or anything top secret... mostly business stuff, but it's NONE of her business. I had a talk with her a few weeks ago about repeating things to her mom... she will go tell her mom something (based on HER interpretation of reality) and BM will call DH or send a nasty email... one time it escalated to her calling the police because she said I told everyone at the school she (BM) was pregnant, which never happened. It's ridiculous! I don't expect SD to never tell her mom anything that happens at our house.. we don't keep secrets. But, I don't need her hearing half a story, guessing at the other half and going back with her recreated scenario and then dealing with an irate BM. I know SD tells her this stuff because that has become a part of THEIR relationship and SD wants her mom's attention as well as 'friendship'. But, I have also told SD that there is a lack of trust between me and her because she has lied on me so many times.. not just repeating bad information. If she tells BM something that is true... I may not like BM to know everything but if it's true, it's true. I can't get angry about that. I do get angry when SD LIES about me and DH and it really annoys me when she gathers information to feed her mom.

I'm not sure if there is any advice to help the situation but I kinda felt the need to vent about it. After everything SD has done this year... lied about us to the court mediator & her counselor... failed two semesters in school 'on purpose'.... and the way she has treated me for the last year (ignoring me until she wants something... then writes me a note asking for what she wants and includes "I love you IMA" because she thinks she can manipulate me?)... she gave DH her Christmas wish list. She wanted: a cell phone, a laptop, and an ipod. I got her two outfits, a jacket, and new sheets for her bed. She gave me nothing but dirty looks for the past two weeks. She needed a costume for her play, she asked a friend at school to help her out. She didn't go see Santa, though she wrote him a letter saying she wanted to go see him. She asked her mom but she didn't take her... she didn't ask me of course, she was too busy ignoring me. Since she was ignoring me, I decided to go ahead and let her. When I baked cookies, she sat in her room. When we went shopping, she didn't ask to buy her dad anything this year. For the past three years, I have taken her to buy a gift for her dad and even bought her mom something. The last two years, I bought gifts for her sister and her mom's boyfriends kids. This year since she wasn't talking to me, I didn't offer. I'm just frustrated with her and what I feel like is this strong alliance she has with her mom against me. It kinda put a damper on the holidays this year. (besides being self employed in this crappy economy, my son being deployed & dealing with my crazy DIL ~ & taking care of their baby all the time... I really do not need the crap I get from BM) Why can't she see that when she puts her daughter in a position to spy for her.. it is going to make living with us MORE difficult? Why would any mom want her child in that position? (that's a rhetorical question of course... no GOOD mother would do that to their child!) UGH!

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Comments (9)

pseudo_mom
14 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Make up a BS story if you know she is there ... preg with triplets the surrogate teen you chose is moving in with you .... SD is going to have to share her room

etc. etc.
imamommy
Original Author
14 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I thought about that too... but, I swear she has "stealth" mode. We never know when she is there, she is VERY quiet & sneaky.
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finedreams
14 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
good idea, talk about stuff like moving overseas, having more babies, or some bizzare stuff then let her share it with mom,it will teach her lesson

she wants laptop, ipod and cell phone. i like it,not bad lol
lovehadley
14 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I like the idea of giving her something *interesting* to talk about, as well! :)

I'm sorry, Ima. I know you have poured so much of your heart into SD and it's really unfortunate that things are the way they are. :( BM is doing SO MUCH emotional damage to her daughter.
shannon2356
14 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I love the responses, they are too funny!! Had me giggling, my DD is like "Mom are you OK?!!" hahaha!!

Sorry you are dealing with this!! Can you not just block the vent?:) I'm thinking a pillow, a pair of socks, whatever is needed, just plug that puppy up...!!

Your SD is at the age where they want to hear and KNOW everything, my DD who is 12 is the exact same way, lol
She can't hear "clean your room", but she zeroes in on private conversations from 3 blocks away!! "what, what did you say, what are you guys talking about, huh?!!" She has "private convo radar" I swear!!
imamommy
Original Author
14 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
lol, I guess what makes it so annoying is that she goes back to her mom & tells her mom what she thinks she knows... and she guesses at details she isn't sure of. And instead of BM calling us to confirm things (when it has to do with anything that is her business.. which is rare), she accepts what SD is telling her as gospel & tries to start crap with us over it.

I've told SD that when she gives her mom false information and her mom gets angry & yells at us or puts it in court papers, then it really just makes her mom look foolish or like she is making stuff up that isn't true and eventually nobody will believe either of them. But, she continues to tell her mom what her mom wants to hear... her mom continues to eat it up and look foolish... and it really makes SD's life uncomfortable because it's 'out there', every time we talk about things, wondering if she is going to turn it around & add stuff, etc. So, we try not to talk in front of her about much... it creates a lack of trust & she is not comfortable either. I imagine she might even feel guilty for what she is doing... maybe ashamed too, but as long as she continues to do it, there really is nothing we can do about it. We can't make her stop telling her mom whatever she wants & we can't take away the way it makes her feel... and we can't build up trust in her because she continues to do it. Until BM decides to put a stop to it (to stop listening to the 'stories' and discourage SD from being her spy) nothing is going to get better.
shannon2356
14 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Ima, I think most Skids where the BM (or BD!) makes issues out of every little thing, are going to keep doing this,and unfortunately, there is no way to stop it. Ours (SD's)are 19 and 17 and they STILL do it, it's a way to get attention from BM and I really think sometimes some Skids like to stir the pot! I still say just block the vent, I know when my DH's kids are with us,like out to dinner, or over here for a visit, he finds it very difficult because he feels like we can't really "talk" openly, we have to keep it to ourselves because he KNOWS that everything we say will go home to BM and there will be hell to pay....arrgghh!!
mom2emall
14 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
IMA I think you are dealing with it in the best possible way. If she wants to ignore you go ahead and show her it does not bother you, like you did during Christmas season. And I love what the others said about making up ridiculous stories for her to repeat. Talk about the two month trip your dh has to take overseas for work. Talk about the bigger house you are moving to in another state. Talk about the new live-in nanny you are thinking of hiring for sd because you are both going to be working later hours. Talk about the IPOD and laptop you are buying yourself! LOL Then when she runs around talking about these things she is going to look like a fool and hopefully feel like one too!! Even if you do not know when she is listening throw these things into the conversation. I am sure eventually she will pick up on them.
imamommy
Original Author
14 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Shannon,

"I know when my DH's kids are with us,like out to dinner, or over here for a visit, he finds it very difficult because he feels like we can't really "talk" openly, we have to keep it to ourselves because he KNOWS that everything we say will go home to BM and there will be hell to pay....arrgghh!!"

EXACTLY!!!!

The only difference is that SD lives WITH us... it's not just a visit. ARRGGHH!!!!!!

For Christmas she asked for a cell phone, camera & laptop.... common things kids today ask for. Our thoughts... oh hell no! she wants the cell phone to call her mom & keep her updated minute by minute. she wants the camera to take pictures she can upload to the laptop & email to her mom. like I said, it's the lack of trust that is going to doom her... those are things it would be nice to get for her. Sadly we can't trust her to use them responsibly or appropriately... we would expect her to try to use them against us and we've done nothing wrong. I hate feeling that way!

The only problem I see in making up some good stories for her to repeat... she ALREADY makes up crap that isn't true and we don't want the phone calls or emails that eventually follow when her mom gets all worked up. We sure don't want her filing to go back to court because she thinks we are moving.. lol

She spent all last summer telling us that she was going to Hawaii with her mom & grandma. When her grandma came to pick her up from the house, DH asked her if she's excited about their trip? She said there's no trip, they have no money for a trip to Hawaii and had no idea what SD was talking about. Yeah, I think SD likes to stir it up... the difference is we don't react in an angry way to whatever BM is doing. (remember BM has been planning her wedding to BF for over two years, but she's still married to older DD's father. Now, BM is supposedly pregnant and due next month. She stays on her porch during exchanges so we can't really tell if she's showing... to me she still looks the same but I guess next month we shall find out. lol) I guess I can't really blame SD for lying so much, it's been modeled to her since she was little... her mom is a pathological liar. I am just finding it impossible to have a relationship with her when the knife is still in my back from the last attack. The whole thing makes me sad but I guess the only answer is: "It's not MY problem"

Little annoyances

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Little annoyances

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pseudo_mom

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