Aww poor SD! That is so sad.

I don't know what else you can do other than what you did. She's old enough now that she knows Mom's got issues but also old enough to resent her for it.

I'm not sure what the answer is, but think ending the call & upset on what should be a fun day for kids was the right thing to do at the time. Agreeing with your DH that it's going to take lots of time to rebuild any sort of trust there. I hope he makes certain it's done in small baby steps.

This truly breaks my heart. I hope the rest of the day the kids were able to just not think about it & enjoy their loot.

I'm sorry,
~Cat

I think BM just cannot help it, she is too deep into lies and denials and then she feels guilty but cannot fix it. I don't know any women like this in real life but I have met men like this.

My best friend's father and her mother got divorced whenmy friend was 6. Her father refused to call or visit, he saw her once when she was 16. She got all excited, he took her out, but then he dissapeared again. She contacted him herself on occassions as an adult asking if he wants to meet but he always said he is busy and he will call her back but he neer did (felt too guilty to call back like BM).

Once in her mid 30s she saw him on a street and wanted to approach but he ran on the other side and dissapeared. She said he looked terrified. She once saw him at a funeral of someone and he pretended he does not known her and he left almost as soon as he saw her.

Now he is not on drugs, not drinking, is educated and comes from well to do professional family.

I have met some other people who are this way. My DD's GF's grandfather never saw her and saw his own daughter twice in his life. There are people like that. It is all crazy. I feel for your SKs. I don't believe that BM wants to repair the damage otherwise she would do things differently. She would admit her fault and ask for forgivenesss and try to compensate, instead she lies some more. Itis almost like mental disorder. Poor children...and poor you watching it. you guys doing great job raising thse children and you know what they know that, they know who the parenst are. it is all BM's lost.

fd made some really good points.

We say "mental problem" like it's something mysterious & weird & blameworthy & disgusting, but it's common garden-variety brain & behavior malfunction.

There's nothing to be done about this mother's behavior.

but her daughter should have the information & be emotionally armed against expecting anything more than what's actually there.

I just sold a house to a psychiatric social worker who told me that people often are suspicious of her clients;
we think her clients are faking it, because they almost always seem rational & normal.

It's the times they can't act normal that tell the story, but we think *that's* when they're faking it!

I just do not think this lady is mentally ill. I believe she is just not a good person and she has made so many mistakes and told so many lies that she is stuck in them all. This is a lady who my husband says was normal and a decent mom. Then she woke up one day and decided she wanted to be with someone else.

I think that man helped her destroy her life. I see all the signs of abuse and control in their relationship. She saw them too and talked about leaving him. Then she started having babies with him instead. And now here we are.
Part of me feels bad for her. No college education and three little kids living with her. She probably sees no way out. The other part of me thinks she has made her bed and too bad if she is not comfy. She caused my stepkids a lot of pain over the years.

"This is a lady who my husband says was normal and a decent mom. Then she woke up one day and decided she wanted to be with someone else.
I think that man helped her destroy her life. I see all the signs of abuse and control in their relationship. She saw them too and talked about leaving him. Then she started having babies with him instead. And now here we are."

I think a relationship can be just as addicting and powerful as any drug. It is possible that BM is "addicted" to this abusive relationship, and is so far gone, that it's as if she were a drug addict. The behaviors are the same.

We have really close long-time (20+ yrs) family friends. They were married for about 5 yrs before having two little girls. (These girls are now 15 and 11.) Anyway, their mom was just the most doting, concerned, involved and loving mother. She was really probably one of the best moms I've known----very calm and down to earth, firm with her girls but never too strict or controlling, patient, loving, etc. The dad was outgoing, happy and very successful in business. They seemed like they had a great family and marriage.

Then about 5 years ago, the mom had what seemed to be a TOTAL MENTAL BREAK. She started having an affair with an old highschool flame, and before we knew it, she told her husband the marriage was over, and she was moving 3 hours away to live with this other man! We were all in SHOCK. We could NOT believe that she would, in essence, abandon her 10 and 6 year old daughters, who up until that point had really been the focus of her life!!! EVERYONE tried to reason with her---that she was making a mistake, that something was *not right*, would she talk to a psychiatrist, etc? She refused and she left and didn't see or call her girls for MONTHS initially. Honestly---it was JUST LIKE A DRUG ADDICT.

Anyway, thry did get divorced and the dad retained custody of the girls, not that mom seemed to care much, anyway. The girls were supposed to see her one weekend a month and for 6 wks in the summer. Over time, the older girl started refusing to go because she hated her mom's boyfriend and she was angry at her mom. Mom didn't push the visitation, anyway, and apparently, they now see her only in the summer. :( According to her ex-DH, she rarely calls, etc.

Well--about 6 months ago---she called her ex-DH sobbing that she was leaving her BF, and wanted to get her family back??? According to her ex, there are all the signs of abuse in that relationship. Her ex-DH told her, as it had been 5 yrs, that he could not see a future for THEM, but that if she moved back to their city, he would do everything to help her rekidnle a relationship with her daughters. As far as I know, she is still with the BF, though.

long story short---drugs, alcohol, and bad relationships can all make people act CRAZY. Who knows, mom2emall, there could be some sort of miswiring/screw-up in BM's brain. It certainly goes against biology that she would abandon her kids like she has.

I don't know what to think or say except that you are right to not expect her to change. All you can do is the best for the kids, and trust that YOUR love will be enough in the end. It HAS to be. (((HUGS)))
a

Now what have I always told y'all?

"Men are drugs!"

We women, seems like, *always* see reality through the lens of our relationships, rather than seeing relationships through the lens of reality.

Getting caught up in an abusive relationship does not mean that she " just not a good person".

It means she's a victim.

Predators, be they pedophiles or pimps or serial spousal abusers, groom their victims;
they work their way into the victim's confidence until the victim loses track of reality;
eventually the victim believes everything that the predator says, & she believes that the people who tell her that the predator is lying & using her are just jealous, that they want to see her unhappy, etc.

Then the victim acts so "crazy" that her friends & family declare that she's lost her mind, she's abandoned her family, she's a bad person, & when they tell her this, the predator says, "See? they are not your friends...
I am."

Sylvia I do not doubt what you are saying. To an extent I feel pity for this lady.

But then the other part of me thinks hey she chose to start an affair and get caught up in things with that man. If she would have just kept her pants on none of this would have happened. And at one point her and this guy were living in her parents home with their children. That would have been the perfect time to kick the guy to the curb.

No matter what the things are that are happening to bm her children are hurt and affected by it. Those kids are who I care about.

& thank goodness the children have you!

I think the "she had a choice" position is so often used to blame the victim (years ago, I took a psychology class in which the *instructor* claimed that there was no such thing as rape; if some guy says, "take off your clothes or I'll kill you", & you don't choose to let him kill you, then you've "chosen" to let him "have sex" with you!).

We're all vulnerable in some way;
this woman was hooked just like people get hooked on drugs.

Nobody wakes up in the morning & says, "hmmm. I think I'll destroy my life today & abase myself to the lowest common denominator" just like nobody wakes up & says, "hmmm. I think I'll get hooked on a drug today & ruin my life & get so dependent on the drug that I'll sell myself for a dose of it, I'll live on the streets, & I'll eventually die of violence or some horrible disease."

By the time she & he & the kids were living with her parents, she likely never thought of kicking him to the curb;
he was just "there", a fact of life, & she probably even thought he was her lifeline.

I keep thinking that the best way to keep children from being hurt by their parents' (mothers' or dads') irrationality, emotional deficits, unreliability, or whatever, is to arm them with information, to train them not to expect more than can is there, & to protect them with love.