I'm sorry to hear things aren't going well for you.

My thought would be that the court would be unlikely to give custody to someone who isn't paying their CS. But I'm Canadian and our system is different.

With attempted suicide and neglect charges against the BM I doubt she will get far unless she can prove she has overcome all her issues--burden of proof would be on her end. I would assume seeking legal advice is within BM's rights to do, but without a job and money she won't be getting much more of a lawyer than your DH can afford for himself. It's not really her word/his word in this case if her incidents (neglect/suicide) have been documented and your DH has a continuation follow through via the journal--I'd think 'proof' of being capable at this point would fall on BM's shoulders.

As far as issues like the holiday program, don't let her be able to play the game. Nip it by sending these tidbits of information by mail requiring a signature proving she got the info. Or text/email info and retain your text/email to show one with correct info was sent. Ask her to acknowledge receiving text/email in the written message.

DH did not have to listen to BM's tirade at program. A simple 'excuse me' and walk away , nothing in writing or laws says one has to subject oneself to a tirade from an ex-spouse in a public place. You've got witnesses to her actions. On other hand, they aso witnessed DH did not promptly remove/disengage from incident. Don't let her put you/DH in these situations.

Those are very good ideas. I agree we did not have to listen to her fit at the program, but we were all to stay sitting until the kids were dismissed to their classrooms. Apparently she was the exception. We have tried the email thing, she just gets personal. We have changed our phone numbers so she can only call our house due to endless texts and calls at all hours of the day. We have decided as far as school functions and extracurriculars, she will be responsible for contacting whoever necessary to find out the times. Then she can blame them if the wrong information gets relayed. I am sure she wouldn't get far in the court system, but last time there was a trial her mom forked out all of the money for her to have a good lawyer. I have no idea if she would pay for something like that again.

Thanks for your input, this forum is really helpful.

If you hear from an attorney, send him/her full documentation of the history of all this.

My SD's mom has been saying she's gonna take DH to court for two years. The best way to nip it in the bud... say "go ahead!" and then say NOTHING. IF he had custody, then it is VERY difficult to change custody without proving the custodial parent is not acting in the child's best interest. You don't need a lawyer until you have been served with court papers. Then, you can ask for attorney's fees from her if she has no basis for making you seek legal counsel. If her mom forked over money for a "good lawyer" in the past and she still does not have custody, then unless you are doing something WRONG, chances are she won't have a leg to stand on... right now, all she is doing is making threats and the best thing to do is ignore her.

We have gotten threats to go to court. BM actually responded to child support papers by alleging abuse of her child and asking for custody. Her abuse accusations were: 1. We make SD take at least 15 minute showers. 2. If she doesn't take a 15 minute shower, we MAKE her eat Oatmeal or chicken noodle soup while we eat the 'regular' family meal and we make her go to bed early. 3. SD doesn't have as much FUN at our house as she and her mother thinks she should. THE TRUTH: She needs to take a good enough shower and 2-3 minutes of just getting her hair wet & getting out does not cut it... we make her go back and use soap. She has been given chicken noodle soup and goes to bed when she is getting sick, even if we are having her favorite enchiladas. If we took BM's accusations seriously and got defensive or tried to justify why we do what we do, then it would only encourage BM to keep making these RIDICULOUS claims. DH asked her, 'do you really think the court is going to change custody because the custodial parent is making sure the child has good hygiene, eats healthy, gets lots of rest?' So, SD started failing in school on purpose because her mom told her if she fails in school, the court will let her live with her mom so her mom can help her in school. She was finally told that she will repeat the grade again if she doesn't start doing her work... that if he mom isn't involved in school here, the court will not 'assume' she will do better over there and that we can prove we are trying to get her help she needs to do well in school but her mom hasn't come to one conference... just sits there telling us how we are doing everything wrong while she does NOTHING. Besides, she does not know everything that happens in our house and she relies on a 10 year old's slanted information because SD is upset she has to have a bedtime, do her homework, take a decent shower, do her own laundry, and keep her room clean. It only makes BM look foolish to guess at the truth and put it in writing in court papers. The last time she threatened to take him to court was a few weeks ago and he said go ahead... we will also talk about the back child support and just how involved she is in SD's schooling. BM has not yet filed anything and the truth is, she probably won't because she does not want to discuss EVERYTHING.. just the BS that she wants to b*tch about. When you open the door, you can't pick and choose what may get brought up.

The point is, you can let yourself get all worked up over what BM is doing and let your life and mind get cluttered with it when she is probably blowing smoke and laughing at the reaction she gets. From your past threads, it appears that you really don't like her and apparently have told her so. If she is as manipulative and dramatic as you say, then the best way to deal with her is to take the wind out of her sail... by NOT reacting and not giving her any attention for her antics. Let your DH deal with her. Remove yourself from it altogether as much as you can. If he gives her information regarding the children, do it in writing. When she starts a scene, calmly stay seated & ignore her.... watch the show, smile and act as if she isn't there. An 'argument' takes two. If she makes a scene, she will be the one looking foolish. Any reaction from your side of it only hurts the kids when they are there to have a nice holiday performance and end up worrying that mom and dad are going to fight... what a way to ruin the holidays for the kids. NICE!!!

(and I thought it was sad yesterday when I went to my Stepdaughter's play... there was a little boy asking his teacher if he can call his stepdad really fast to see if he can come. He had nobody there from his family and all kids want is for someone to care and be there) It may not be the situation with the kid yesterday, but it is so disgusting when a parent gets angry that a stepparent has the nerve to be involved in their child's life.... and it happens all the time.

Wow I completely agree with you! Thanks for your post, I can relate to your situation. I feel like I have done a decent job with my SKs so far, and not once have I ever tried to replace BM. So her hostility is very misplaced. She should be happy there is yet another person to give her children the love they deserve. I have been trying very hard lately to be detached from all of it and especially in the past couple weeks to just let her rant. It is very hard to bite my tongue, and definitely a work in progress, but I refuse to be a part of it anymore. My SKs are even getting sick of it. They associate stress with their mother, which no child should ever have to feel that way in the first place! I think holidays are especially tough with all the back and forth and coordinating celebrations, the real meaning of it seems to get lost in all of the craziness. I love my family and if that means I have to put up with BM even at arms length I guess I will have to just deal with it! At least my SKs will grow up remembering the fun family times they have at home with us. Thanks for your post imamommy!