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Advice for woman who's boyfriend has young daughter

Posted by pennygal (My Page) on
Fri, Dec 27, 13 at 19:17

Hi there,
My boyfriend is 26 and I, 25. We've been together for a year and a half, though we've known each other for a little over 7 and actually dated pre child. I knew what I was getting myself into when we got back together last year with him having a daughter (She is 21 months now). What I didn't know was that the mother of the child was a horrible person who has harassed me via social media and continues to bully my boyfriend and use her role as "the mother" to control him. I try my best to keep her negativity out of my life but when it comes time for the child to stay with us, it all comes bubbling up with resentment, anger, and frustration, among other things, due to the mothers lack of selflessness and parenting skills (example: the child has a bedtime of "whenever she falls asleep on her own" AKA midnight or later!!!!) The child has no stability in which she craves. She has a lost look in her eyes and feels uncomfortable around me and she has been around me numerous times seeing as my boyfriend and I live together. She cries and whines all day and has to be held by him. And even screams when she sees us embracing. I try to play with her, make her laugh and she just stares off, lost in her sad, confused little mind. She has no routine, and a horrible diet to boot. And all I want to do is parent her the best way I know how and create some form of consistency for her so she can feel a little more at ease when she's in our home. I feel out of control and I feel at a loss that she wants nothing to do with me. And my gosh, how I've tried. It feels as though her mother is sending her bad vibes about me. Children can sense these things. I'm tired of the nonstop crying whenever she sees me. So how do I deal? My boyfriend is the love of my life and I am willing and able to make it work aside of all the turmoil and feelings I harbor towards the situation, Giving up is not an option!

Follow-Up Postings:

RE: Advice for woman who's boyfriend has young daughter

Geez, I am so sorry. You sound like a really good stepmom. Any chance the two of you could take the girl to a child psychologist who could work with her and also with the two of you? I yield to other commenters with relevant experience. But one thin I know is you cannot change crazy and you have to try to not show your frustration in front of the child. With the kid, be present and available and set limits for bedtime. You may want to work with a family lawyer to have your boyfriend gain primary custody. Be sure to be like mother Theresa with crazy ex. And save everything you can, make copies and save screenshots from the social media site and any crazy texts. Anything that shows he is not putting child's needs first. Be the sane and composed one in this and set an example for kid and bf. good luck.

RE: Advice for woman who's boyfriend has young daughter

She, not he, sorry misspellings!

RE: Advice for woman who's boyfriend has young daughter

You are doing a great job and I hope you boyfriend appreciates your efforts. A routine within your househole will reap benefits, especially with sleep. And when I raised my own bio kids I bought loads of parenting books, they really did help alot over the years. Your boyfriend will need to read these too as he should do the 'parenting' part. She is very young but can learn quickly the ways that things will happen in your house.

It's hard when there's an ex like that. I too have one lurking that gossips and spits venom about me to anyone who is stupid enough to listen and to the kids. I feel (as is the case with my own) that kids if left to their own devices and nurtured to love and accept have an unlimited capacity to love. But when they are raised to hate and blame and conflicted with loyalties/disloyalties, that comes easy too and it is so destructive for everyone. You sound like a very caring, proactive person, hope things start to improve. :)

RE: Advice for woman who's boyfriend has young daughter

Your BF should be doing the "parenting", not you. You are not a are the father's GF, that's it.

You should definitely give the dad and the child time alone, plenty of it. This is important. But since you do live there, it is fine for you to be around, interact with the child, playtime, etc...but the real parenting should be done by the father (and I am a dad who has done GF of 6+ years has been in my kid's lives for a long time, but the "parenting" has always been done by me).

If your BF objects to this, and is looking to you to fulfill more of a role than (at this young age), some someone to play with the child occasionally, you need to really address this with him.

Not even touching the biomom....clearly there are issues there, try your best to not get sucked into the drama, but you are not there to replace her in the kids life. You are not a step-mom at this point, just a GF.

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