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Realistic expectations of steps, 1/2 sibs, BMs

Posted by lamom (My Page) on
Sat, Dec 13, 08 at 18:30

All, I have two adult skids, SS29 and SD35. DH and I have one son together, DS6. After being married to their father for 11 years, and involved with him for 13+, I don't know what to expect realistically from them.

I have a friend who is 50 who is at odds with her three 1/2 sibs. My friend is the eldest, the dad divorced her mom, remarried and had 3 more kids. They are all adults between the ages of 50 and 38. The dad died recently leaving a little property. My friend and her 1/2 sister are suing each other over the proceeds from the sale of their dad's place. She is also trying to carve her two 1/2 brothers out as well. There seems to be no loyalty, no love whatsoever, just a lot of hard feelings from way back. I wonder, if something happens to DH and me, is this how my skids will act toward their little 1/2 brother?

I posted before about my SS29's disinterest in my very ill DS6. I have several divorced relatives whose exes have remarried and had 2nd families. They act as though these other kids, brothers and sisters to their kids don't exist. Or really, like they shouldn't exist.

For years I have hoped for a happy, blended family. I haven't been able to put it together. I have one cousin who has good relationships with her skids but she married their dad when they were young. She has kids their ages. Is that the secret ingredient?

Follow-Up Postings:

RE: Realistic expectations of steps, 1/2 sibs, BMs

lamom, i think every blended family is different. The recipes are all different and depending on the ingredients , what comes out is either sweet, spices, sour or all together bitter and unedible.
It honestly depends on the adults at hand and of course you never know what the futur brings for 1/2 siblings.
I've often worried about my son and how his brother and sister would be with him when he is older. His bond with his brother is strong. I guess that maybe a boy thing. But his sister has a very jealous streak in her and it shows with everyone around her. If she is not the center, she will cause havok IF she can get away with it. She is not a bad person, she just has that character in her and as a human being, once you realize where you are with her and how she is, you know how to respond and how much rope to let out with her. as a figure of speech.
Because of this worry, i have put safe guards for my son alone in case anything should happen to me or my Dh. I have funds for him set aside and i will be making a will specified to him with the accounts , assets i have. I want to make sure he is secure.
In respects of money and property it is very very important to discuss things EXTREMELY clear and to the point with your DH and then make every in legal writing. Especially with estate or else all will fight over it...that is human nature. I dont think that is a step issue at all. I hear my friend fighting with their own cousins, brothers etc..and their isno divorce or blended families involved. Its money..and humans will honestly act very different in these circumstances.
As far as ages....sometimes it is better to have them younger but there are pros and cons to it. In the end, if the skids decides not to like the stepparent there is nothing you can do about it.
I'm a stepchild. My first stepmom, i couldnt' stand, My second, i have a great relationship with her. And call her mom. I'm in a blended family and yet do not consider myself a stepmom to my 2 skids because they are barely around for me to interact as a caregiver would. So i do not like to take that title. If they had lived with me, yes i would be their stepmom.
In some cases age doesnt matter. My Dh's brother had kids from 2 marriages. His first son is about 18 years older than the other 2 he had and the relationship is fine.
Your skids are not kids, They are adults with their own issues and families. Treat them as such and dont expect them to have a close bond when they have issues of their own. The minute you stop expecting things, you will free yourself of this pain. You cannot change what they think and how they are and how they act but you can control yourself. Focus on your son. Focus onthe half full cup and not the empty part expecting itto fill up. Stop setting yourself for the fall. Been there....done it...wont go again.
Your son is ill, i'm am truly sorry to hear this. And for that alone, you should focus on those precious moments with him and dont waste time with people who do not care. If someone brings nothing but misery and negativity in your life, dont give them any energy. Pour it into your son. He is the one the needs it the most. Not your adult stepson.

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