Cat, my opinion would be it depends on whom is doing what. Would DH be helping considerable with the dinner? Would he be buying the presents or expect you to? Would SS's reciprocate or just come for the gimme, gimme? If it were me I definitely wouldn't be doing all the work for kids that don't like me. If everyone wants to make an effort in order to have Christmas together that would be doable but I wouldn't be taken advantage of. Would the SS's even appreciate you making an effort? Would DH do anything comparable for your DS? Maybe answering these questions will help you decide.

Gajopa,
The answers to those questions are why I struggle with it at all.

1. Yes, I am sure DH would help in any way that I asked with preparations.
2. Neither Dh or i have purchased any gifts for them yet. Usually I have all shopping done by now for everyone, but because of all the events the past few years and the way I have been treated by them I have shopped for DH, my DS & parents only-to say I have completely detached from them is an understatement. DH is a panic at the last minute type of christmas shopper. I have no clue what he plans for this.
3. they might bring us a nominal gift. though last year they all chipped in and got us a very nice digital photo frame. Mostly it would be for the Gimme Gimme though.
4.Highly doubtful they would appreciate any effort from me. They never have in the 10 yr.s we have been together.
5. My Dh & DS have no relationship, I usually take care of this and just sign his name to it. DS lives out of state, but he usually gets DH a gift at Xmas.

I would only do this strictly for DH, frankly I am really uncomfortable having them over to our home at all but it seems the lesser of two evils (my going over to our old home).

I don't want to hurt DH's feelings which is the only reason I am considering doing anything.

~Cat

to add, what is causing me the most anxiety is that I worried Dh will push me to go over to the old house and then lay on the guilt trip when I refuse to go.

I have told him several times after him asking me to go over there with him that I will not go back to that house ever again-period.

I'm just worried he's going to push it so the s-kids & GS can have their holiday celebration the way they want it where they are comfortable (cause that's what it's all about all the time).

I'm thinking things could get ugly(er). I just wish he's throw down his cards so we could get it settled and move on with life. Ho-Ho-ho.

~Cat

What do you mean by the "old house"?

Our house of 10 years the one we moved out of but DH still owns. I left because DH said I made SS30 uncomfortable living in our home. Lot of background but basically I was told to put up or shut up so decided to leave. DH has a business assoc that is lending us a condo to live in so SS can live in our house without me making him uncomfortable. You know like asking him to clean up after himself, take care of his dog & kid, stay out of our bedroom etc..Dh felt my requests were unreasonable.

You can search my old posts and get the background, it's long and awful. I've tried to salvedge to the marriage for a very long time but am just worn out from it all and done now. I'm just trying to get through the holidays with minimal drama.

I'm ready to seperate but am recovering from surgery currently. I haven't told DH yet and to be cautious probably won't til I'm gone.

~Cat

A number of years ago my DH wanted me to continue to play nice with this couple whom we had shared many a good time, yet the female of the couple had been "torturing" me with snide remarks when no one was listening for quite some time. And although my DH had seen some evidence of her odd behavior he very much wanted to continue a relationship with the couple. And since he and the other fellow really enjoyed and known each other for years, I could see where he would want to stay "status qou".
I was silent for 4 yrs. Then I had had enough. (slow I know :)) Asked my DH if I were simply his friend, would he counsel me to continue being tortured by her? Told my DH he was a "big boy" and that he could figure out how to have a relationship without me. And that I felt I'd been considerate of his vested interest for all those years...now it was my turn to honor my feelings.
Have your turn Catlettuce.

Thanks Deb, I don't think my DH has ever looked at things from an outside view like that.

What I would really like to do is suggest that he go over and spend Christmas Eve with his kids and then we just have a quiet Christmas day he & I, and maybe go to a movie or something.

If he pushes for us to all be together it's going to have to be here cause I sure am not going there. I'm hoping he just accepts that I don't want to pretend anymore and don't want to spend my holiday with people that don't give two $#*!s about me and never have.

My feelings; he made sure they never respected me as a person or his wife in our home, so he really brought this on himself.

Can't wait til the holidays are over!!!

Thanks,
~Cat

So basically you'll be servicing (hostessing) people who have discounted you and put you out of your home? All to make your DH feel good about something he himself help create? Crap.
At this point I think I'd have a sit down laying your cards on the table.
It's one thing to protect a child under the age of 18, another to allow disrespect at any age.
I'd stop protecting others feelings at the expense of your own. Sometimes we just have step up and be the Biatch :)

"So basically you'll be servicing (hostessing) people who have discounted you and put you out of your home? All to make your DH feel good about something he himself help create?"

Yea, that's pretty much it! I'm just not feelin it. And while of course I want DH to enjoy the holiday and his family, I myself would consider it a merry Christmas if I don't feel pushed to participate. I still have very resentful feelings towards them all and don't think I'll ever get past it or over it and to have to spend time would just be rubbing my nose in it, kwim?

I really hope DH does not push this on me, but I think he will. I would like a way to put it to him that isn't hurtful but firm that I'm just not interested in celebrating the holiday with his kids, period.

My mother thinks it's a little harsh which is why she suggested I host a little something. If I do host something it would only be because I felt guilted into it, certainly not because I want to. How to put it to DH without being mean?

I think DH feels I'm being a super-Biatch, but really I'm not. I have simply detached from them all, not in a nasty way. I just do not make the effort to communicate with any of them anymore since we moved (6 mo). But then again I have not heard from any of them either (except for DH trying to get me to babysit twice), so works for me!

~Cat

Cat,

I think having the skids over on Christmas Eve or some other day is a good compromise. However, since this is really for DH, you should bow out on the shopping, cooking, work part of it. Or at most 'help' him vs him helping you.

That will keep the negatvitiy at bay for you at least, DH can take this on for his kids if that is important to him and the skids don't have another issue to jump on.

I feel your pain on this.

Well if u want to keep the peace I would host a Christmas Eve thing and have hubby just order out food since you are recovering from surgery. Just be cordial to everyone and let dh do all the work!

I think I remember your situation now from your brief overview on this post. Weren't you going to take a job away from your hubby?

Cat, another thought ~ how would he act if you wanted your son to visit for Christmas? Would he be congenial and help with dinner and gifts or would he ignore him and wish he wasn't there?

Mom2,
Yes, I am still looking for a travel job, unfortunately with the economy tanked they are not as plentiful as they were a year ago. But I'm ready to pick up & go as soon as my rehab is complete! I'm just hoping something comes up soon. In the mean time I guess I am lucky to have a decent job with good bennies when so many have lost theirs. I can't complain, it's just I detest the winter months ever since I developed RA & lost my ability to ski-but surgeon says if i can tolerate skiing with minimal pain he thinks I may be able to after rehab if I take it easy :0)

Anyway, sorry for rambling OT.

Gajopa, I am sure my DH would be cordial to my DS if he were to come for a visit, no he wouldn't ignore him (but wouldn't go out of his way to spend any time with him either). They really have no relationship except polite and cordial. DS really harbors no ill feelings toward DH at all, even for things that I do! He just wants me to be happy.

SS came over tonight to pick up his new cell phone DH got him tonight, he had a new GF & GS with him. I just stayed in the bedroom. I can not bring myself to interact with him yet. I still have angry feelings about being pushed out of our home. Dh was a little disappointed, when they left he said "you didn't even come out, he had GS with him." I know he was sad but I told him "You know our relationship just isn't like that anymore, I'm sorry." He dropped it (thankfully).

I do not want to cause anyone any hurt, but that includes me and I've just been burned way to many times and way to big by SS & DH. I can't do it anymore. I don't think it's fixable and I don't want anything but a very minimal relationship with SS. I just can't go there again.

Good suggestion to order dinner in, maybe a prepared ham or turkey dinner ( a couple of xanax) and keep it light for a few hours then they can go do their own thing. I'll offer when DH brings it up next time.

Thanks, many good suggestions. I appreciate it.

~Cat

Cat, what about another option, say a "lunch out at a restaurant somewhere" with them. Then you dont have to do any work at all, no prep work, and it will hopefully be short and sweet and Christmas eve can be just you and DH or your family/parents, or whatever. I'm really sorry about your home. And for gifts, why don't you just tell DH to get them some gift cards? thats easy and you don't have to search for gifts and you have a set amount. Just an idea....

On another note, it sounds like your DH kind of "coddles" your SS. If SS is the reason you are out of your home and DH is buying him a cell phone or giving it or whatever, that's not very healthy, is it?...

>>>>>>to you Cat, hope you're recovering well...!!

Oooh, love the restaurant idea!! Not sure if DH will go for it, he likes to have the old fashioned family xmas, but those days are done for me. I'm definately going to suggest that to him and look around for some restaurants that would work for that-Brilliant!! As a backup I can order a dinner/meal to have at our place. I guess if he is not happy with either of those ideas he can go over to the old house without me.

Yes, He still keeps SS29 & 26 on his cell plan. It really doesn't cost too much anymore with the new family plans but our bills used to be $600-700 a month!

He offered to put DS back on his plan today & get him a new phone too when we were re-upping but I said no as Ds has his own plan & # and has been on his own plan since age 19. I really prefer he live within his means anyway I just think that's a preferable way to live. we just differ on things like that. Anyway, it was nice that he offered.

~Cat

Gift cards- Yes!! Sounds good to me!

I'm leaving DH to it with his kids & shopping. Though I am getting GS a really cool toy truck. We probably would not agree on amounts, but I know he will wait til the last minute and why not just get them what they really want ($) anyway? Think I'll just let DH deal with that. I will be so glad when this is past.

~Cat

Well, if DH wants an old-fashioned family Christmas I'd suggest he find an old-fashioned family- you know, the kind where everyone treats each other with courtesy and respect, adult members of the household earn their own livings, parents actually parent their children and all household members help with the chores.

HHHmmm Colleen, perhaps they rent those out, or we could adopt a family? Cause it sure as heck is not ours!! God, just please let it be over with quickly! Maybe I should volunteer somewhre and be unavailable. At least I would be appreciated.

~Cat

you could always announce "familiy volunteer time" that as a familiy, instead of presents and dinner, you all will be going to the salvation army and serving dinner and handing out presents......you might just end up with an evening to yourself, and they can't say you didn't offer :)

Cat,

If you do the restaurant idea which sounds really good remember DH makes the reservations, DH coordinates the times and HE PAYS ALL! Same on the gift cards.

Your gift is your presence at the dinner :)

The latest, I decided to come over here and repost to my original thread as to not hijack LA's any further...

Recap of yesterday:
DH texted me at wk this afternoon how would I feel about going over there (our old house) instead.
I responded, not for me but I had no problem with (and in fact it would be a relief)him packing up the gifts and going. He said he wouldn't go without me, however SS's new GF had to work later in the day & might not be able to come over or stay (I care why?).

I encouraged him again to go along with stating nicely that it would probably be more comfortable for everyone,so please do.

No response, I wonder if I'll get the silent treatment now. Honestly I thought, once again he is more concerned with putting out a girl his son is messing around with rather than me his wife. One more nail in the coffin.

This am, I was leaving for work and told DH again, please do go over Sat with your kids, I'm completely ok with it. He said , No that I was a part of it. And again explained how SS's GF might have to leave early or not come. I told him Skids really don't want to come to our place, it's Christmas why should anyone have to be uncomfortable? Please go ahead. No response.

My feelings, really, I would be so relieved to not have to suffer through an uncomfortable afternoon pretending we are some sort of family. I am perturbed but not at all surprised that DH is more concerned for SS's GFs comfort than mine his wife. I wish he would go & they would all leave me alone and let me relax for the day.

(I know, not very Christmassy of me)

~Cat

Finedreams, got your message on LA's post.

Truly I would but couldn't get time off work to travel. I'm working now actually. I would love that if we could get together & am sure we would have great time...

Yes, now he's worried about her feelings, hasn't even thought about Gee let me not even bother my wife with this nonsense..I mean this is #3 live-in in the past 2 yr.s I think. Therefore he is helping to support her also...Merry Christmas to me. (#25, Lol, so true!!)

Have I mentioned I can't wait til the holidays are over?
I will go to see my son Mid January, can't wait!!

~Cat

and all those GFs live in the house that supposed to be yours. LOL I love it.

Well at least enjoy your son in January.

Cat, somehow I missed this post. If he loved you he'd want to protect you. End of story.

You're a good woman. Get out and find someone who reminds you of that.... DAILY!

Thank you Silver. It was really no surprise, I was waiting for it and knew there would be some sort of "issue" with SS, as there always is and we must all revolve around it!

He doesn't stop to think of my feelings nor comfort first, why start now? He just doesn't get it, never has, never will. I think he loves me as much as he is capable, I don't think it is malicious, it's just his kids & their issues/GF's whatever come first, that is how he prioritizes, so end of story.(Maybe he feels I am fairly self sufficient & don't "need" as much-guessing here)

Whatever the reasons, I'm just done with it and don't want to be last in line anymore.

It's not the first time plans have changed to accomodate SS's girl de jour, in fact it's a regular occurence. I'm just not playing along anymore.

Now I am just disappointed that they dont all stay over there as I have been dreading the "awkward" feelings I'm sure everyone will have by forcing the togetherness.

~Cat

Any chance you might gift yourself with a relaxing day byself at a near/local hotel? Let the DH and Sfamily do whatever it is they want to do and Cat's gift to herself is the day pampering herself out of their reach.

A fireplace, hot tub, exercise room, chilled bottle of wine with chocolate covered strawberries in the room, a good book and a cozy blanket with dinner in the buffet dining room and holiday entertainment and food and socializing in the lounge all evening. What stepkids? What husband?

I looked the above up at one of the local hotels in my area this morning after reading this morning postings. Bet there is something similar in your area. H@ll would freeze over before I'd step foot in your old home or pretend in your temp house. Think it over, give yourself the gift of putting yourself, your needs and your feelings first, and let DH know the self gift is truly what you want. Time to think about Cat and what's best for Cat.

Oh Justme sounds wonderful-I would love to do that but I have 2 doggies I have to contend with, which is why they usually travel with me to my family when I visit.

I have made it clear to DH several times I will not go to our old home again ever. I don't know why he even tries. And I really do not understand why he is so insistent on my being present for his Xmas with Skids. Especially since I made SS so uncomfortable that he felt he needed to seperate us.

I have not spoken to any of them in over 6 months. I have no desire to have a relationship with them any longer & I'm at peace with that. I have no ill will towards any of them, I just don't feel any connection there any longer and think that part of my life is in the past. I have not had any problems with his other two kids, they are very nice but again there is no relationship.

Honestly I don't think they will particularly enjoy coming here either. But hey, ya gotta do what ya gotta do to get the loot. We still have tomorrow so maybe he'll decide to do it SS's way after all. If not, there is a bottle of Chardonnay with my name on it & that's how I will cope for a few hours on Sat. It's just not "Christmas" like it used to be. Next year will be better.

~Cat

Cat,

I agree, find someplace that you can enjoy as a treat for yourself.

Have a merry one and remember, next year will be better.

Thanks ;0)

tomorrow is the get together at our place. DH is really looking forward to it. I did try again unsuccessfully to convince him to go there.

We had a nice xmas just us today, he gave me very thoughtful, nice gifts and we had a relaxing day. I am anxious about tomorrow but am going to focus on GS opending his pressies, drinking some nice wine & just try to deal. (but not to much wine that I get pissy)

I do hope you all had a lovely day today. Holidays are just SO stressful and difficult for some of us. I've done a lot of emotional eating this week-not good.

~Cat

I always eat a lot when DD is home because i end up cooking and buying treats for her because I miss doing it...I end up going on diet aafter the holidays. LOL

Yes, Tomorrow is definately "Die with a T day for me!!

3 hour countdown...please Dear Lord let this be quick & painless.

~Cat

good luck cat. ...Say serenity prayer to yourself while sitting with them at the table. It will be over soon. How sad that hoildays should be that torturous.

Actually it wasn't that bad. I pretty much focused on Gs & played with him. Didn't engage to much with others except a nice visit with the oldest SS, who is in town. He's had a tough time the past few years, trying to get back on track after losing his young wife.

Anyway we had a nice visit. GS did tell me though that his daddy got 2 new puppies (in addition to the elderly dog they have already). I just said that's nice and changed the subject. why bother?

Now go figure I have a migraine-I think probably because I stressed over this for so long. I am relieved it was relatively quiet and low key. I've done my duty I suppose. Dh did all the cleaning up & preparing the house, I got the food ready so it was minimal work. He seemed to enjoy himself so thats good.

I'm so glad it's over.

~Cat