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I'm really trying.... but!

Posted by silversword (My Page) on
Sun, Dec 19, 10 at 15:54

Dad and SM flew in Wed. stayed at a hotel for one night and then started their 2 week vacation with us on Thursday after work.

SM, first thing "I'm hungry". I was prepared!! I had purchased some clams in wine broth that are quick and fixed them up with hunks of bread and avocado and other small items. A snack. After the snack was demolished... and I had cleaned she says "what about dinner?"

So we fixed dinner. Steak, salmon, salad, rice, veggies, dessert. And then I cleaned up. Friday they went to see other family members and didn't get back until late. Saturday morning we got ready to go to my aunt's house. We spent over an hour in the grocery store because SM kept wanting to buy things. And then (surprise) she was hungry. So we had to look for her a snack. Meaning, cheese, crackers, apples, nuts, dried meat, stuff from the deli counter... ETC.

Nevermind that we were 1/2 hour away from Aunt's house and we were invited for a meal. Fine. So we get everything up to the checkout and she asks if I'm going to pay or if we are going to split it.

BEAR IN MIND.... it's dad's sister we are driving up to see. It's 120 miles round trip. I am paying gas. I have paid the last two meals, done all dishes, shopping etc. Bought SM specific items for our house like outrageously expensive breakfast items, teas, etc... that we don't normally eat but I knew she did. And, I got them before they arrived so they would not have to shop once they got here.

We were going to the store to get salad stuff and bread for the meal at aunt's house. EVERYTHING ELSE was stuff for SM. Like two loaves of bread, deli items, packaged items, bath salts (our cart was full).

So when she asked who was paying (and the ____explative woman has not worked in over a decade) I just looked at her and said "whatever you want" in a very mild tone. Dad walks up enough to hear this and says "I was going to get this one". Good for you dad. I'd hate to have to have you bail me out of jail.

Get in the car, she starts eating. And eating. And eating. In my car. Stuff like CHICKEN SALAD. I don't let anyone eat in my car. let alone juicy drippy gross stuff like chicken salad.

At aunt's house she decides she wants to use the computer and then spends hours trying to get aunt to make it go faster for her. Aunt lives in the boonies. Dial up. We eat, aunt and I do dishes. SM makes herself scarce.

OH MY GOODNESS. Then we go on a walk and aunt doesn't lock her house and SM insists on locking her purse in my truck. Aunt is offended but we pretend nothing is wrong. She lives in very safe neighborhood but SM is snobby. And aunt has her GIANT dog in the house, who protects it with her life... and SM NEVER LOCKS THEIR HOUSE EITHER (hahaha we get back and Aunt says "oh no, my TV is gone" LMAO)

This morning SM blows her nose, puts the tissue on my coffee table. There are dishes everywhere, she uses about 10 cups a day, leaves her tea bags in the cups, in the sink, on the counter.... etc. She does not put in dishwasher or offer to clean at all. THEN she comes into the living room, sits on the couch and proceeds to EAT a deviled egg out of a plastic bag, LICK her fingers, wipe them on her pajama pants.

OMFG. EW. EW EW EW EW EW.

I called her on that one. "SM, did you REALLY just eat a deviled egg on my couch and then wipe your fingers on your pants"?

My dad starts laughing because she ALWAYS is critical of his personal habits, which he just laughs off. But she is pristine in her habits. HA!

The absolute worst part is that she came sick. And didn't say that she was STILL sick when she got here. So DD is now sick. Fever, etc.

And we have a big trip planned. If DD is sick for the trip I'm going to __________.

THANK GOODNESS they are both gone for the next two days. Oh, and last night SM wore her shoes, from the dirty...muddy mountains... into my house. Literally caked mud shoes, through my house. As soon as they left DH and I were out with the vacuum and broom; cleaning.

Here's an example, which kind of sounds petty... but when they keep coming it just gets frickin' annoying. Last night at dinner she said to my dad, "I just think it's amazing, that one of your other sisters lives in a beautiful condo overlooking the bay and then this sister.... lives.... well.... here." And my dad was like.... uh.... WTF? She's sitting at aunt's house, eating her food, and being critical of her house????????

And his sisters could not be more different. Really. He has four, and they are all unique. We have a staunch democrat on the bay, a radical republican in a multi-million dollar house in a gated upper crust community, a hardworking uber-top official at one of the largest companies in America and an Earth-loving, country girl. All in the same family.

To compare my dad's sisters to one another is just absurd. And hurtful. This aunt may never have been successful in the same way as the others but she is my favorite. And she was kind enough to host us.

HOW RUDE.

Thank you for letting me vent. DH was saying he has about a 5 minute window with her. And I said that I've been trying to figure out why the window is so short and why I get so irritated so fast and he says he's trying to figure out the same thing. The woman just is so incredibly self-absorbed it's amazing to watch. And REALLY irritating.

So I have two days of sick kid and freedom. Anyone have any miracle cures for fever? That's about the only symptom. I was thinking it might be that weird strep with fever and no sore throat but she's not throwing up, soooooo...

SD comes Tue. When they get back. I'm feeling pretty sorry for her. But DH and I decided she gets the spare room, Dad and SM get DD's room and DD can sleep on the couch in our room. We are not going to let SM have her own room anymore. (prior, Dad was sleeping in DD's room with her on the trundle because SM simply cannot sleep with other people.)

I have never met a more self-absorbed person in my life. And the thing is that in her home I would be walking on eggshells. I have not been invited to stay at their home in over 10 years. And, when I did, I could only stay three days (I was leaving my fiancee, moved back to my home state while going to college because it was pretty bad and had three nights to stay with them before I had to go. And I had nowhere to go. I stayed in their driveway in my car. And they have a big fancy house and plenty of room and I did a lot of cleaning and food preparing. But I disturbed her sleep patterns.)

And, it's not like it's HER house. It's dad's house. But they have come time and again and I have been the best hostess I could possibly be even though she thinks nothing of slamming doors and using the last of whatever and etc... that would make her flip out if someone were in her house. Literally, we have had family members come to their house to stay and she's told them the hours they can:

A)flush toilets
B)turn on coffee pot (not before 11am... the smell will wake her up)

ETC. But she comes over and just walks around like a princess, bi*ching and comparing me negatively to other hosts.

ARRRRGGGHHH

And now I have a sick kid. Boo! Poor DD.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: I'm really trying.... but!

haha sounds like fun vacation in company of crazy SM...

well i spent last two days walking behind SD and picking up all kind of items after her, putting coasters under cups with hot tea on a nice dinner table, taking her dirty shoes outside (we have snow and more snow, we live in a snow area, it is snowing now heavily btw)etc. She is a nice girl but it is exhausting. I am off work and don't want to clean 24/7.

She got better this visit though compare to the last ones, dad keeps telling her to keep the house clean and I think she is trying. I don't think you can change your SM, that's how people are...

As about being hungry... other SD is always always hungry, so it is a very familiar issue. And she always wants us to pay for whatever she buys. It is either expensive restaurant or expensive grocery store. She makes more than me yet i have to pay. She never ever paid for anything since i have met her. Either SO or I or her DH's parents or her BM always pay for stuff.

DD probably has flu, sometimes that's how flu works, fever and nothing else. Hopefully she will be fine soon.

On Tuesday we are going to go visit older SD out of state and will see how that will go...Good luck surviving holidays!


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RE: I'm really trying.... but!

Ooh first of all - I am so hungry after reading this. Lol!!

She sounds like my ex in laws. I would buy the prune juice ex FIL needed daily. Splenda (when it first came out and we did not use it) special coffee and tea. Extra fruit and veggies and their special cereal they had to have. And the reason I started buying it all first was because they would come in and immediatly need to make a grocery run. So all the food I had bought would go to waste because they only wanted what they were accustomed to. My kitchen was very large and I was a decorator so lots of decorative items in my kitchen... We didn't need all that space for cooking for 3. They would Come in and MOVE all of my stuff to the side so they would have a medicine cabinet set up right there in the kitchen. Our last thanksgiving together exMIL started my turkey while I was in the shower and then used my sweet potatoes that I needed for a side dish to make her own side dish. AHhhhhhh!! It was awful.

So the reason I told you all of that is to tell you how I dealt with it. I stopped buying all the special stuff. I didn't buy anything more than DD and exDH and I would need. Then when the shopping trip came up, I offered to keep the kids and said 'you remember how to get their right?' we had a guest room that I quickly converted to an office. Donated our extra bed to a family member in need to a bed. DD had a twin so now there was not a place for them to stay and I sweetly said, oh we don't have anywhere for you to stay, I feel so bad for getting rid of the guest room but we really needed the office. I can research for you and find good deals on the nearest hotel and get you that info. ExDH and I downsized my large suv that exIL's had originally suggested to a smaller family car with no room for the in law's on their visits. So then they had to drive their own car. It was a lot of changes but their two times a year visits were costing us all year long. Just having a bigger vehicle so when they visited we would be able to ride together and a guest room for the two visits a year they came .... But it worked. The last time they visited it was like heaven on earth!! Then I divorced them. They were horrid awful people.

It surprises me that your dad is married to someone like that. He doesn't sound like her type. But opposites do attract.

I have no fever cure except alternate Tylenol and Motrin every four hours for a 24 hr period. If it's strep, that will keep the fever down but the strep won't go away. If it's just a bug, she will be comfortable until it passes.

Stay away from the store with Sm!! Lol I do feel for you.
Was hoping I could talk you in to coming to cook for us. Your meals sound outstanding!!

Oh one more thing. I got nothing for you on the eating in the car thing but omg how rude!!! And nasty!!! I would just tell her. Don't eat in my car.


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RE: I'm really trying.... but!

Thanks myfam.... I appreciate the tip. We're bringing the fever down. But DD's dad says it's the same thing that he has, and that everyone in their town has.

SM brought it over, then gave it to DD, and now she's saying "I hope DD doesn't make me sick, I was just getting better!!!"

And you're right, they aren't the same type at all.

I would have said "no eating in my car" but then we'd be sitting on the side of the road somewhere while she ate. And it was cold and raining and we were already late to Aunt's. And I got tired of making multiple store trips, I have her brands down to a science. If she goes to the store it takes multiple maps, and then someone is on the phone with her the entire time. It's easier just to do it for her. And I don't mind shopping for guests. I just hate feeling like I can't get it right or no matter what I do she'll want more.

The hard part of this is I do this so I can see dad. They live far away and I rarely get to see him. So DH and I figure this is the way to get to see him. but you're right. I think after this time, things are going to change.

I just keep thinking if I try harder! But that's just not going to make it any better. I simply cannot find a redeaming quality in her. There is nothing I like about the woman.

PO1, I think the dynamic between kids and parents is different. For my SM to want me to buy when they are staying at my house and when they make a ton more money than I do is off the charts absurd and rude.

For your SD, it's just extended spoiled-child issues.


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RE: I'm really trying.... but!

Next trip to the store, drive her there and then say "I'll wait here"! Better to sit in the car than run her up and down the isles and get stuck with her bill. Do you have a cell phone that you can send messages? Tell her you have some work to do.


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RE: I'm really trying.... but!

I agree it is a bit different but I think it is pretty much the same variations of selfishness or entitlement.

In my case SD is 29, she is not my child, i didn't know her as a child, we don't have parent/child relationship. Plus she makes more than me (some professions just pay more than others) plus she is married to very well-off older guy, so they are very well- off. Way better than me. For her to expect me (not even dad's wife) to pay for her and buy stuff is somewhat weird. One thing is for her to expect dad to pay (weird but at least makes some sense) but me...I think by extension she treats me as a parent, but clearly I am not in that role at all. She expected me to pay even when I and her dad didn't live together and I was just dating her father and she didn't even know if i can afford to buy, i was just dad;s GF. She is not a bad person at all but in terms of expecting the world to revolve around her (and everyone opening their wallet for her)she is somewhat like your SM.

So I think spoiled people are just that, they can be of any age. Kids/adults/parents no matter. Your SM acts like a spoiled child, no matter her age.

I don't think you can change anything by trying harder. maybe just asking your dad to gently guide her right direction...


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RE: I'm really trying.... but!

I agree with parent of one - expecting anyone to pay for anything is spoiled behavior. I do have a sister like that. If you say, let's meet for dinner she thinks that's a free meal. We have to say , we are going to dinner if you want to join but it's Dutch... She usually declines. Lol love her but can't afford to feed her and her child plus my clan of 4.
I think what you are doing by providing it as a hostess, already having her 'likes' there is wonderful of you. Some people are not grateful.


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RE: I'm really trying.... but!

LOL, I feel badly for you all but I have to say I was laughing out loud reading these horror stories. I used to think that part of it was certain guests (who tended to be guest much more often than host) just didn't realize how expensive and inconvenient having houseguests who demand all sorts of "extras" can be. But, I've since learned that some of these are the same ones who, if you go to visit them, expect you to treat them to every meal out and follow their draconian rules (like Silver's Dad's GF).

I am familiar with the "I'm a kid (of 47) and thus don't have to pay" routine. The one that's tough, to me, is having someone who is underemployed for a long period of time. Naturally I feel sympathetic with the economy what it is; at the same time, when it's been a few years of it I start to feel resentful that I'm continually picking up the slack. We try to live beneath our means - so why does that mean that I should pick up the slack for people who have living expenses (including luxuries) based on what they think they should be making rather than what they are making?

SS, I hope your DD is feeling better. Sometimes (but only sometimes) I have had luck with the old-fashioned "sweating out" a fever. Pile the blankets on, make lots of hot tea and plenty of other liquids to stay hydrated, and maybe that will work.


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RE: I'm really trying.... but!

Is this woman seriously 400 pounds??? Does she ever STOP eating?

Oh Silver...I am dying!

"Dad walks up enough to hear this and says "I was going to get this one". Good for you dad. I'd hate to have to have you bail me out of jail."

This probably saved your dad some money....the grocery bill was probably less than posting your bond would have been. ;)

I don't even know what to say except you have my utter sympathy! Two weeks??? Talk about overstaying one's welcome! At the very least, it sounds like her behavior is just so obnoxious, so over the top, that everyone can see it---WHAT is your dad thinking?!


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RE: I'm really trying.... but!

2 weeks don't shock me, if people live far away it is normal to stay for longer visits. If I visit DD I stay for about 2 weeks, it is just not worth it travel that far and stay for short visits. She also comes for around 2 weeks. I think silver's dad lives very far away so two week visit is understandable. SM's behavior is not excusable and is nuts but length of her visit seems to be reasonable.


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RE: I'm really trying.... but!

Love, I don't know how she's not 400lbs!!! I bought her the special milk at the store. DD and I read the labels for maybe 5 minutes to make sure we got the absolutely best one. DD found her cereal. We brought them home (my theory was that if I had breakfast for them the stress levels would go down, and she could shop for herself... I've been down this road before and tried not having anything she'd eat and tried having everything she'd eat... so this is a happy medium sort of experiment)

SM gets here. I tell her I have breakfast stuff (her cereal, milk, eggs). Dad does not eat breakfast. The next day I am at work and DH calls me to say SM was flipping out.

She went to the outside fridge (we have one for drinks in the garage) and started flipping "this ISN'T the kind I drink!!" DH went out, found the one she drinks. Bah! Because DH sometimes drinks the vanilla almond milk, I keep that one around too. But SM was STOMPING mad that I didn't get it right. And then never apologized.

And then she puts her cereal in the freezer. And doesn't shut the freezer door. I walked out and the freezer is beeping, it's half open with the box sticking out and she's waltzing around the kitchen singing to herself.

Also, they use EVERY cup in the house. And then leave them EVERYWHERE. With nasty used tea bags sticking to the sides. Or the tea bags are just stuck in the sink.

She hasn't offered to do dishes once.

Two weeks is not a long time if people are pitching in. The theory in my mind is you get three days max as a "guest". After that, you're "family". Which means no special treatment.

I realized something today. The entire time they have been here they've been talking about what else they will do. It's all planning what they will do while they are here. At my aunt's house, instead of visiting, SM is planning on going to see her sister the next day. I think this is rude.

Her behavior, as Love said, is so over the top, anyone and everyone can see it. My dad actually told my DH that they've been working on things and SM is now a "lovely travelling companion". IN WHAT UNIVERSE??????? She is constantly throwing him under the bus.

The grocery bill.... was $100.00

I don't know how much y'all usually spend on groceries. But I spent way more than that a couple of times already for their visit.

It's not a lot of money if some of it is going to be used by other people. But ALL of the groceries (save a tomato and some lettuce and a loaf of bread) were for SM. That is what offended me.

Eandhl, that's good advice. That solves the driving and the going in. But then she will whine to dad and say how rude I was that I didn't go in with her.


See, here's the back story: She was 10000000000000x worse before. And I was a lot younger and didn't realize then what I do now. The only reason we are communicating is because I decided I wanted a relationship with my dad. And that I would lie down and take it like a good SD in order to have that. Because dad was so f-ed up that he choose his whiny, narcissistic spoiled wife over his child.

So I quite literally rolled over. I decided I would endure her in order to have my dad. And that was the only way he'd do it. I could not have a relationship with him unless she was there too.

And for him, that means everyone needs to cater to her. And it's not just me. It's all of his family members. If she's not ok, then he's not ok with whomever is making her feel lesser than.

When I went to stay with them (two years ago, for one night) she did absolutely no shopping for me. There was no "food" in the house. I ate a banana that was on the counter for breakfast and she inspected the fruit basket and said something like "oh, I hope you didn't eat all the bananas because xyz".

I left a few hours early. Literally, spent 12 hours in their company.

Dad's not guiding anyone anywhere. We've talked about her behavior and he's full of excuses. At this point though, I've pretty much had it.

The sad thing is I'm getting to the point where relationship with dad is not worth pain of relationship with her. DH and I agree this is the last time. After this, they'll need to find other accommodations.

She is so rude, that if she wakes up first she thinks nothing of slamming doors, showering, whistling, singing, etc. Which wouldn't be bad, except in her house you can't even flush the toilet if you wake up first, let alone start coffee.

We have lots of guests, and we stay with people as well. You try to keep quiet as a guest or a host, and as either one you try to make the others comfortable. As long as everyone is trying it's a nice experience. No one has the same routines, etc. but the effort is what makes the difference.

With her, it's all take and no give, and no matter what is given it's not enough, or not the right kind, or someone else did it better.


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RE: I'm really trying.... but!

It would be difficult to tell them not to stay at your house...My SO has a cousin whose wife is horrible like your SM (worse I think), my SO is very close to this cousin and he could not make himself to say: you are welcome here but please don't bring your wife. Cousin figured it out himself and does not bring her anymore. But how do you tell your father or any relative "don't bring your spouse". Should you come up with some story/excuse... I feel bad for you, if SM is anything like that cousin's wife, it is awful torturous experience


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RE: I'm really trying.... but!

"But how do you tell your father or any relative "don't bring your spouse". "

I don't.

I think you missed the part where I said my dad said if you're not willing to hang out with her, you can't hang out with me.

"So I quite literally rolled over. I decided I would endure her in order to have my dad. And that was the only way he'd do it. I could not have a relationship with him unless she was there too."

That was 6 years ago. We didn't talk for two years because of it. I really tried. I have REALLY tried these past six years to make her comfortable, to make her "family". And the deviled eggs were the proverbial straw. I won't say she can't stay. Unfortunately what will happen is he just won't be able to stay either.


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RE: I'm really trying.... but!

Bump. What did you say to your stepmom and dad?


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RE: I'm really trying.... but!

When?

I haven't said anything yet. We had to finish the vacation first. Spent four days with them in the mountains. The amazing part was when SM slept in in order to avoid helping pack and clean up. She really is a piece of work.

Next time, it's not going like this. But this time I'm not saying anything. I have one more night with them tomorrow night. And then it's over.


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RE: I'm really trying.... but!

It appeared to me (and apparently to someone else too) that you were planning on not having them over again, which means you have to tell them/him/her to stay elsewhere next time
"DH and I agree this is the last time. After this, they'll need to find other accommodations." I guess I wonder how are you going to tell your dad not to come over...


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RE: I'm really trying.... but!

Oh. Gotcha. Sorry. It hasn't happened yet.... I don't know. I figure I'm going to wait until this trip is over. Which it isn't until tomorrow.

Then next time I'll be "out of town" or won't be available. I have no idea how I'm going to handle it, I just know this isn't going to happen again.

I actually found dental floss on my couch the other day. Used dental floss. I guess that's better than the wads of hair in the bathroom last time.

I guess I'll let you know when I come to that bridge. Suggestions are helpful. I'm just so mentally exhausted right now I can barely put one foot in front of the other. To say nothing of physically exhausted.

SM came here sick, got DD sick and now DH and I are sick too. SO SICK. I can't even describe. Today is the first day I feel normal-ish. My house is a wreck and they're coming over for one more night tonight. I simply do not have the energy to say anything today.

Because it will turn into a giant thing if I do. If I wait, I can make it about something else rather than hashing out what horrible houseguests they are. Does that make sense? My dad is a hobby "communicator" and everything has to be clearly communicated and understood... problem is he does it better than I do so I always "lose". I feel like I get wrapped up in a trap of words.

What I'm realizing is that while I love my dad, I don't really like him much.

I have a stress condition that I have had since I was 9. It's really rare to occur in such a small child. Years ago, right after DD was born I told dad that I absolutely could not take the stress SM kept dumping on me (they would make me talk out the issues for hours and hours and hours on end and I was exhausted, working full time, new baby, new house, etc with no help from them whatsoever except to add more stress). Dad laughed at me and rolled his eyes. I kicked them out of my house and didn't talk to them for years.

Now, last week, dad is trying to give me advice on how to deal with stress issue because his doctor says he's at the age where people can get it. Medications, blah blah blah blah. And I looked at him and said I find it easier just not to get that stressed out.

He has no concern about my pain. Only concerned now because he thinks he may be at risk. A-hole. I've been dealing with this, by myself, with no input or help just rolled eyes since I was 9.

SM gets a pre-condition, not even a real condition, and all of us have to jump through hoops, not stress her out, give her whatever she wants even if it inconveniences the rest of us, let her sleep as much as she wants even if it means we become her slaves... let her princess around...

And I get rolled eyes.

I can't tell you how much I've realized that I'm not really angry with SM. She's an idiot princess b-word. The person I'm really mad at is my dad. He allows her to be this way. And he expects us all to adhere to the unreasonable standard he has set for dealing with her.

I'm just disgusted.


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RE: I'm really trying.... but!

Just plan on maybe taking a trip? Just don't be home?

Even though the situation here is reversed, it is similar in terms of someone allowed to be a princess. SD is this way because she was allowed to be this way and now it is either we put up with it or have no relationship with her. I was actually told (SO just said in anger not realizing how funny it is) that we are able to act like normal human beings and SDs can't because we are adults but SDs are not. he had no comment when I started laughing hysterically. SD is 29, married, professional and somehow is not an adult? hahaha The argument happened after we took them both on disastrous vacation last summer where they consistently acted as helpless children and I was probably the unhappiest I ever was in my life. That vacation was probably the most difficult time I had in my life, seriously.

Your dad just sounds clueless.


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RE: I'm really trying.... but!

All I can say is what a witch!!! Your sm takes the cake for evil stepmoms! You must be a saint to put up with her for 5 minutes....let alone 2 weeks!


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RE: I'm really trying.... but!

How did your SM take to not sleeping in the spare bedroom when she and your dad returned?


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RE: I'm really trying.... but!

Wow, I forgot I shared that Tx.

She walked down the hall... then came back, asked "is SD going to be ok if I oust her from 'that' room" and I said "oh, no, sorry, you and dad are in DD's room". And then continued what I was doing. I didn't even look at her. But the energy sure was weird! I could "sense"/"hear"/"feel" her muttering to dad....

She slept in the spare room last night and DD and Gpa slept in DD's room. DH told me not to put her in there but I just didn't feel up to anything. I did not change the sheets or make the bed though. Usually I would. But I am just barely well right now.

When they came back last night I said "there's homemade chicken soup in the fridge" and they weren't interested so I directed them to a nearby restaurant. Yay me.

I was up coughing all last night. This virus will not go away.

hahahaha the funniest thing happened though. SM came in the house last night and then I heard her and dad talking and she said something and then he said, I have to get the bags out of the car first and then she said, oh, well, are you going to want me to help with that? and he made this noise...

huh-ma-gib-a - ish noise

and she said "oh, (trilling laughter) of course you're going to want me to help"

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Bi-zotch!

Quick Poll:

Would any of you just expect your DH to carry all the bags in?

If so, is that because you have a physical condition or a pre-set division of labor and you will be doing something else that is contributing to getting "it" done (whatever you need to do as a family to get ready/settled)

In other words, would you ever go somewhere on vacation and be sitting on the couch yapping while your DH carried all of the bags in the house?


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RE: I'm really trying.... but!

SO usually carries most of the bags (most of the time all) because he never wants women to carry anything remotely heavy. But I always unpack and sort/wash/organize all the bags and bags content, is it luggage from the trip (including his personal bags/suitcase)or grocery bags. SO never unpacked any bags, he is really bad in doing that, he never knows where stuff goes. Like you said labor division.

All i can say is that your dad clearly loves this woman and love is blind and he is welcome to treat her like a queen, his problem. You and other people should not be dealing with it though.


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RE: I'm really trying.... but!

"SO usually carries most of the bags (most of the time all) because he never wants women to carry anything remotely heavy."

LOL! This was something DH and I had to deal with; I appreciate good manners and his being courteous but had to put my foot down when I felt as if I were being treated as if I were helpless. We'd come back from the grocery store and he'd try to carry all of the bags in - granted it was very nice, but I don't want to start feeling like I am incapable of carrying in a carton of eggs, LOL!

I really like how she not only expected to do nothing while he carried the bags in, but apparently expected him to agree to that - No, no, dear, you just sit here on your skinny behind while I trek back and forth like a Sherpa.


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carton of eggs

I sure can carry carton of eggs, LOL but I don't mind him carrying bags because if i start carrying bags he better unpacks them and then i will never find anything, everything always goes into a wrong spot.


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RE: I'm really trying.... but!

No...as a matter of fact, to get DH or DS to help with anything (groceries, luggage, etc...), I have to ask. I don't mind asking, but it sure would be nice for them to want to help me out. Maybe, just once, when I get back from the grocery store, they could say "let me help you with the groceries." You know what I mean?

Your SM does sound like a spoiled princess, but, you're correct that it's your dad's doing. I usually see this kind of thing more with kids and young adults, but it's becoming more frequent with older adults.

People will get away with whatever they are allowed to by the person responsible for setting the boundaries. For instance, SD treating DH like she does. BM lets her get away with it because it benefits her. BM is in charge of setting the boundaries for SD at her home. Not DH. So DH can chastise SD all he wants and have unpteen conversations with her, but he doesn't make the rules there so it does no good. Now, if SD lived (not just visiting) with us, and she treated BM that way, it would be up to DH to say "that's not cool."

In your SM's case, your dad is the one responsible for setting boundaries and rules for when they are visiting you...not you. So it should never be your responsibility to talk to SM to work things out. That's the saddest and hardest part. You have talked to him about your issues and he doesn't fix them. I hate that for you!

I hope you feel better soon!!!


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RE: I'm really trying.... but!

Thank you Ashley :)

I do know what you mean. My DH will help most of the time with groceries, but... sometimes I do get irked that I do shopping, carry in, put away... etc. But for the most part he does his share.

When we got home from our holiday I brought in the perishables. That's it. DH unpacked the car yesterday and I did not help. But he would have refused my help anyway. Somehow we manage to both be doing something.... getting the "show on the road" so to speak.

Example: I cleaned condo and packed, he went out in snow clothes and started warming up the car, scraping ice, putting skis on the roof racks, shoveling snow. We did not discuss who would do what. We both started doing things we knew needed to be done, and met in the middle.

and you are so right. "People will get away with whatever they are allowed to by the person responsible for setting the boundaries."

Mattie: "I really like how she not only expected to do nothing while he carried the bags in, but apparently expected him to agree to that - No, no, dear, you just sit here on your skinny behind while I trek back and forth like a Sherpa."

LMAO. That's pretty much the image all right.

PO1: love isn't blind. He sees what's going on. The kicker is that he knows she's being unreasonable but expects all of us to cater to her because she's "getting so much better".

Sorry dad. That's your game. Over here, the rules are different.


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RE: I'm really trying.... but!

well if he sees what is going on then it is even more ridiculous.

great excuse, she is getting better, she is not a child, she is supposed to better long time ago. SO always had an excuse for SD's behavior: SD is getting over parents divorce, then she is this way because she does not get along with her mother, then she is stressed she is getting married, now she is this way because she is expecting, then for the next few years it will be she has a baby. Somehow i and everyone else are expected to behave well no matter what circumstances. Not SD.


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RE: I'm really trying.... but!

"Somehow i and everyone else are expected to behave well no matter what circumstances. Not ..." SM.

You said it.


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RE: I'm really trying.... but!

I think someone should send the link to this thread so she can really take a good look at herself. But then she might not be very happy with the orig poster. I for one wouldn't care, even if I was the OP.... My sympathy to your father.


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