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Disengagement?

14 years ago

Can anyone recommend a previous thread, or an article, about the concept of disengaging?

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Comments (9)

sweeby
14 years ago
The idea is real simple.
In a nutshell, you just say to yourself:

"Not my problem."

Of course, when it comes to your SS and his future, a total lack of involvement could let it become your problem! That is, if he doesn't find a path and get himself on it, and if your husband enables his aimless drifting. But you could certainly give the situation a year or two before allowing your self to get too worked up about.
ashley1979
14 years ago
Disengagement is really hard for people who genuinely care for others. I disengaged from my SD and a very good friend last year. I am in the process of disengaging from my sister. I genuinely love and care for these people, but I can't be constantly hurt by them anymore.

The key to disengaging is to know their actions aren't personally aimed at you, but by you being there, you are preventing their actions from hitting their targets.

Good luck!
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For years my mother was toxic i allowed her to see my son but i set boundries because she didnt like my spouse .. she would bad mouth both of us in front or to the child.. the first time i warned her the second i pulled my son away from her for 9 months . The battle still went on between the adults but my son was spared ... Then after one summer visitation my son was 9 he annouced grama had told him some stories about me (as we were picking him up from the airport) i thought oh some cute childhood story... Nope all about how i was a liar when i was younger and calling child services on her... When i called and confronted her all she could say was it was history my child needed to know .. i screamed at her like never before it took two years before we spoke again .. she has sinced changed my spouse she hated died and i am remarried with a toddler.. the point is it took all that to happened before she dropped her grudge against me and today she sings praises to me and about me to my children .. set boundries is the bottom line ... Mom you may not like me and we have our problems but if you wish to see my children you must 1. Set up advanced timing for cheaper flights and i cant afford the whole ticket if at all. 2. If you cant drop the grudge for my children and mines sanity your contact will be limited.3. Explain to her the cycle needs to be broken and shes a major player in that aspect and she may try to push the limits... Set boundries for yourself, get the respect you deserve. My mom recently paid for a trip to alaska for the whole family and proudly annouced she had assumed for so long i was a different person that it would be nice to get to know me. And we have forgiven each other. Then after setting the boundries no matter how you feel keep the contact short and brief and ignore any confortational remarks no matter how upset you get with her keep it short and sweet till she abides by the boundries you have set. Hope this helps! Let me know.
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pseudo_mom
14 years ago
Not my kids... not my problem!!!

put disengagement in the search field many many posts will come up with that topic!!

What is your take on socks!!!!!
tinkstar
14 years ago
I have 2 SS age 30 & 32 they are awful to me and their wives are worse than they are! I disengaged right before the holidays this past year. I would reccomend it to anyone!!! For the first time in the 10 years that I have been married to my husband, my Christmas was relatively stress free. He went and spent a little time with them - while I went out with a friend, and it worked out great! My husband is a wonderful man, and we have NO other issues, but if I hadn't done this, my marriage would be on the skids now. Thank you disengagement!!
nancy_jean
14 years ago
I never heard of this " Disengagement" I LOVE IT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It may be my answer-ty NJ
pseudo_mom
14 years ago
In order to successfully disengage, you have to accept some realities. They are:

1.Your SKs are not your children.

2.You are not responsible for overcoming their previous "raising."

3.You are not responsible for what kind of people they are.

4.You are not responsible for what kind of people they become.

5.You are not obligated to become an abused member of the household just because you married their dad.

6.You are not responsible for raising your SKs.

7.All the responsibility belongs to your DH.

8.Your DH is not a mother.

9.Your DH is not going to raise his children the way you want him to.

10.Your SKs are not going to turn out the way they would if DH supported you.

What all this means is this: You must stop parenting your SKs. You must stop telling them what is expected of them. You must stop disciplining them. You must turn over all responsibility for them to your DH. You must allow DH to make whatever mistakes he makes.
lamom
14 years ago
I like this thread! Very helpful, especially pseudo mom's break down.
pseudo_mom
14 years ago
I cannot take credit for that ... its part of a bigger essay

Do a search for "disengaging essay" ... and you can read the rest of it.
ulrike1
14 years ago
I learned disengagement very early on...and it actually led to engagement eventually. Now I have a lot of input into the raising of my SDs, but it took early disengagement to make it work. It makes you a lot more fun for the SKs to be with, too! And it makes for a gender roles policy in the house that can be the envy of "intact" families, ha.

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