I have really enjoyed the last week with FSD11 and FSD8 visiting us for the holidays. We had some special occasions over the last week that we were able to celebrate as a family (most importantly younger FSD's birthday and FDH's U.S. citizenship ceremony), and by and large their behavior was good. In general I find them entertaining and nice little people, even though a bit babied and spoiled at times.
Thinking back to Christmas two years ago (the last time they were with us for the holiday) I remember how quickly they ripped through their presents, almost as if to say "Is that it?" I ended up feeling like it was my fault for putting such an extraordinary amount of time and energy into the preparations that they likely were totally unaware of. I decided that as an adult, I shouldn't seek validation from kids but rather to try and help contibute to FDH teaching them appreciation and manners and leave it at that.
This year, because of the recession FDH and BM discussed the girls' Christmas wish lists ahead of time and broke things into categories: what they were getting from us, what they were getting from BM and SF, and what they weren't going to get. FDH included me and asked for feedback and we did most of the shopping together. So even though all the gifts have been agreed on (that it's "enough" and appropriate), I still somehow feel this dread that the girls are going to be disappointed or that
somehow the stocking items (which I picked up myself while FDH was out of town to get them) will be a letdown (or one will want what the other got, etc.). I don't want to be held hostage to that fear! I know they should just be grateful for what they get, but that little monster in me that wants everything to be perfect is afraid. Case in point: when they showed here last weekend they both had department-store quality makeup palettes with dozens of colors of eyeshadow, lipstick and blush included. It wasn't little girl makeup, it was from their aunt and somehow the woman thought those were appropriate gifts for girls aged 8 and 11. WTH!??
I think part of it is because of the comparisons that have been going on the past few days by FSD11. Monday it was "Why don't you have a house?", "Don't you want a house?" and the constant complaining about this or that room in our apartment being too small, cramped, etc. FDH and I live in a perfectly nice and clean but kind of old, two bedroom rented apartment in a city. Their BM and SF live in a new, spacious two-story house in the suburbs 8 hours away that SF bought when they married (he is older and never had children).
Of course FSD11 doesn't know or need to know (especially from me!) that BM and SF just lost their second home to foreclosure and are taking cash advances on credit cards to make it through the season. Somehow they automatically "win" just by having a house, like they are somehow more responsible than us and more "fit" parents. Tuesday it was FSD11 asking why we don't have a pet and harping on and on about the parade of pets their mom has let them have and give away over the years. It feels like jab, jab, jab. What does she want me to say? That I'm a single gal about the city that doesn't want to take care of anyone/thing? I have explained to her a dozen times, as has her father, that we aren't home enough for a dog and have no yard, that a cat would wreck the furniture and we don't want a litter box in the apartment, birds are too loud, our previous fish died, etc. etc.
Yesterday (Wednesday) it was FSD11 saying that FDH and I are too busy and that they (she and her sister) aren't used to going "everywhere" (probably referring to the fact that FDH doesn't have a car and we walk/metro in the city a lot, especially doing errands for FDH's citizenship requirements which just passed, etc.). Later she was complaining when FDH and I were lost in (my) car for a total of ten minutes and stressing out that we were going to miss the beginning of a ballet that she "doesn't like to be in a stressful environment where people are constantly tense". WTF? That doesn't describe our relationship or home at all, and I told her it hurt my feelings and I didn't think it was true. I was tired of walking on eggshells for this kid, especially when those words coming out of her mouth probably aren't even hers! She immediately backed down and was bending over backwards to be friendly with me (I think she knew she crossed the line).
Later that night, when FDH and I were alone he told me that I took her comments too personally, that they were more directed at him. He suspects, and I suspect Divorce Poison, and it is sad. BM's story that she has been building over the last few years to satisfy her conservative family with a reason for her initiating the divorce is that FDH was a tense, angry person and that is why she left him. (What really happened is she met SF and left FDH despite his pleas for her to stay, but the kids don't need to ever know that.) I think that story about needing to "watch out" for FDH's temper has been pounded into the girls because they often state that they fear FDH's blowups, when in fact he is a calm, easygoing person, and I should know - we've lived together nearly four years. I think most of the time it is just a manipulation to get out of consequences; i.e. FSD8 last night was asked to turn off the television (at a quarter to ten at night!) and she immediately burst into tears, claiming her father had "yelled" at her. That is complete nonsense - he was parenting her and giving her instructions which she should have followed. I stayed out of it, but I felt sad for him watching him try to salvage the evening and walk on eggshells to make her happy. FDH said he would talk to BM about telling the girls "stories" from the marriage and warn her about the dangers of divorce poison. I think he also wants a chance to tell "his side", especially if BM is going to play that game, but I don't think it is a good idea. They aren't going to come to an agreement about what happened and who did what to whom - that's why they are not married anymore, and, as a highly decorated veteran of stepfamily wars I think it is best to just leave the kids out of it! I do think he should tell her to stop feeding them nonsense, though, and that they should back each other up as parents and not tolerate disrespect or manipulation from the kids. Usually they are OK at this, but now I'm starting to wonder.
I know I'm over-sensitive to the financial differences between the two homes, but what pisses me off is that I work hard, have savings and retirement, and bust my ass for everything I have. All I can afford is a rented apartment with FDH (and by the way, I am not obligated to provide anyone a fancy home) because I am trying to build savings and pay off my student loans. FDH at the age of nearly 42 has almost half the debt he had two years ago and he has made great strides towards financial responsibility. I feel angry sometimes that BM skated off into the sunset with a new wealthy husband and sits at
home as a SAHM to her new baby son while FDH slaves 70 hours a week to pay their marital debts (from YEARS ago!) and gives her 1/3 of his income for CS. I feel like I got stuck with the mess! I know that I choose to be in the relationship, I understand that. But in my weaker moments I feel angry that she gets to come out smelling like a rose even though at the same time I also would like to protect two innocent children from an unpleasant truth. We will never have a conversation about it! The kids live like princesses with them, private school, eating out 5 nights a week, trips, so many clothes and toys they can't keep track of who has what where, and their father gets none of the credit or appreciation. Instead he gets looked down on - for parenting, for not having a car, for not having a house, etc. It makes me sad and defensive, and I wish Christmas this year would just be over. I don't, and FDH doesn't, begrudge the kids anything. We've never tried to have the CS adjusted - I always thought let BM have the nicer house, nicer neighborhood, let the girls take full advantage of the lifestyle, but I just don't want to be looked down on because of it, or treated as "lesser than".
Thanks for letting me vent. I know I said a lot on different topics...I just needed to get it out. =-(
lovehadley
imamommy
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