I don't know why you allowed this to go on for 5 years!! I could see for the first year of a relationship not being around the guys kids. But after 5 years, 3 of which you lived with him and saw his kids in your home often!! I think it is enough already!!! If this guy is serious about you he should stand up to his ex and allow you at the kids functions with him. Though if you have been together 5 years and he is not doing so and has not married you I see red flags. Sounds like you are good enough to live with and do married things with, but not good enough to bring to his kids functions. I would sit down and have a long talk with him about where the relationship is going and let him know how much this hurts your feelings. If you are a part of his life you should also be allowed to be a part of his childrens lives. If he is not going to allow you to do so then I would honestly leave and find someone else!

Dotz it was a figure of speech. Obviously they are not married and don't have to talk and chat it up daily BUT the point is... The other parent isn't going to go away when said kid hits 18. No. Communication will be different but people are fooling themselves if they think it ends at 18. Speaking as an adult child of divorce, it seems to have gotten worse after 18. My parents annoyance and absolute refusal to be kind to each other ruined my high school graduation as well as my wedding reception. Do you think kids of divorce should have to have two weddings in order to keep their immature parents away from each other? I'm not saying that this sm is at any fault whatsoever. Her Dh and the BM are. They are putting sm and child in the middle. But to say it gets better after 18 is foolish and misleading. That's all Po1 and I were saying. The communication will be different and probably non existent but parents of a girl tend to have these issues especially when she gets married because it's the bride's family that is more involved. Daddy walking daughter down the aisle but mom sitting in the front row and then there is Sm that has been a constant for the child, where does she sit? And how do they deal with splitting cost? Mom is going to pay for XYZ and dad will pay ABC but then again, adult child is in the middle dealing with parents who refuse to communicate about the financing of her big day because they were under the impression that all communication ended at 18. Here is another scenario that I lived through: Daughter goes in to labor. Mom and dad are both very much a part of her life, separately. Mom is going to be in the delivery room because daughter can't imagine going through it without her. Daughter also wants her dad to be in the waiting room, along with sm waiting to hear that their first grandchild has arrived. What is daughter to do? Her parents can't stand each other. She can't imagine leaving one or the other out but she can't stand the thought of her parents having a run in with each other. The answer is unclear. There is no answer. She can tell both of her parents that they better not act up or they are both out but why should she tell two people twice her age how to be acting? Daughter is in the middle: again. New baby has his first birthday party. Daughter so desperately wants a huge party with all family and friends. It's such a big occasion. She can't decide which parent to exclude because they are both equally important to her. So does she have two first birthday parties? Does she only invite 1/2 of her friends to one party so the other party will be just as big? This has been my sisters life for the last 20 years. I choose not to play in to the immaturity of my parents. My dad isn't a part of my life like my sisters but she so desperately wants both of her parents there for everything. What misery she deals with.

I agree with what Cat said. I've been with my DH for 5.5 years, and we got married this past September. He has a 6 year old son, I have a 6 year old daughter. My DH's ex sounds very similar to your DH's ex. I can tell you it really is an up and down battle, a roller coaster ride, and I think the best you can do is protect yourself emotionally and set clear boundaries. I went through the years where I wasn't "allowed" to go to birthday parties or soccer games or Christmas programs and it was awful. Then DH started standing up for me and insisting that I be present, but BM (bio-mom) would do the same things you are describing. At one YMCA Christmas program when my SS was 3 years old, his mom told me and DH (thank GOD the kids were out of ear shot) that if I so much as LOOKED at her, she was going to "claw my eyes out." I really think she would have. Things have been constantly up and down. She would start being nicer to me and I would think we turned the corner, but then for no apparent reason she would flip out again and the drama would start all over. I finally, finally had to end all communication with her. I sadly have not attended any of SS's soccer games this fall because I refuse to put myself in a situation where I will be verbally abused or berated or insulted. As of right now, we do things with SS when he is with us (karate) and BM doesn't attend---so he hasn't noticed so much that I am "absent" from soccer because BM isn't at karate when he's with us. It is sad that my relationship with him is "limited" due to BM's personality, but--like I said--there are things I just won't tolerate. I can take the nasty looks or silent treatment, but no one will be verbally abusive and rude to me. It sounds like your BF is supportive and that's good. One thing to really be wary of is a man that just wants to "keep the peace." My husband ws like that for a long time (as in allowing BM to forbid me from attending events) and I finally had to say either stick up for US or I'm out... It certainly won't be an easy road, but I think you can do it. In some ways, it helps that the kids are older and more able to see the situation clearly, although I do think they will always "protect" their mom. That's natural. My SS was not even 2 when I started dating his dad, and his mom TRASHED me to him from the get-go. So he and I had a very rough road. It was really sad because you could (and still can) see the guilt/torment on his face, wanting to like/love me, but feeling like he was being disloyal to his mom by doing so. His mom still tells him, to this day, that he doesn't have to listen to me because I'm not his mom, and other such things...SIGH. Luckily, he is very intuitive and has matured a lot over the last few months and is becoming more certain about the fact that he does love me. He recently told his mom (while I was out of town) that he loved me and missed me and didn't care if that made her mad--WOW! She guilitiy reported this to my DH and the counselor. I tihnk the more you can do to not let BM get to you, the better. Some counseling for you and your boyfriend, if he's willing, is not a bad idea....just to figure out how to navigate these waters!

How long have you been dating before the engagement? How long was his relationship with the "rebound" woman? How did the ex-wife treat RB woman? She's using the daughter against her ex. Shameful, but very common. Make the little girl feel at home. Make sure she has her own personal areas, special plates to eat on, whatever (we have ice age,etc for my six year old) will make her feel special and involved. BE HER FRIEND. Don't try to be her mom. Just try to be a responsible adult involved in her life. At this age there's still a chance to form a deep, long lasting bond with her. But she will be very torn between loyalties. Don't contribute to those feelings if you can possibly help it. Every little girl needs more "aunties" and "friends". Ex is abusive. Mostly to herself, because she hasn't let go yet. You can rise above it. When my ex and I split up I got an email address specifically for communication with him. That way I was never ambushed. When I checked that email, I could be mentally prepared. Maybe he could acknowledge her pain. If she says "it hurts her, how it's disrespectful, and that our 'behavior' is crossing her personal 'boundaries'" he could email back that he has no intention of hurting her and he's sorry she feels that way. I'd imagine that's true too. It doesn't say he's wrong, or she's wrong, just that he heard her and he's sorry SHE FEELS that way. As long as your PDA's are not innappropriate, keep doing it if that makes you feel comfortable. Personally I would never kiss, or hold hands in front of my ex. Very uncomfortable. But my DH and I keep our PDA's "grandma friendly". Very PG. We have code words for "I love you", it makes it more personal, and does not sound unprofessional if said at work or in front of strangers. Of course we aren't cold fish!!! But we don't flaunt it. Just a consideration. Sounds like you have your work cut out for you. I can say from experience that it probably will not get any easier. Don't stoop to her level. Be gracious and stay as far away as you can.