how to deal with Step-Son
marmie22
16 years ago
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16 years agolast modified: 9 years agoimamommy
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How to deal with son's friends (10 year old)
Comments (4)A friend of mine had the same problem with her son in the 5th grade. She ended up moving him to a very small private school where he fit in much better. She then worked hard with private coaches to work one on one with him on a regular basis, so that he became very good at a sport. They still got together with the friends who were teasing, just not as often with the kids, but the parents kept up the friendships. As the boy grew and became more confident in himself through his sport, and the small school helped him academically rise to a much higher level, he seemed to fit in a bit better. Now when he gets together with those friends, I believe it is easier. They also built a few new friendships and I believe things are going better. Other parents don't take this seriously until it is "their" kid experiencing it. I feel for your child. Just make sure your desire for these friendships with "your" peers/friends, is not putting your child in a situation where the fit is not healthy for your son. You do not have to lose your friends, but encourage your son branch out and make some new friends over that have nothing to do with those boys....See MoreMy step sons are so negative and one of them might turn violent
Comments (9)You say you've threatened to call the cops if they physically hurt their sister... it sounds like you may have to do more than threaten if it ever happens again. Physical abuse is a crime, and I don't think you have to be 18 to be accountable. There is a very clear line of what can and can't be condoned, talked through or otherwise worked out and physical abuse is over that line. The boys need to know very plainly and in no uncertain terms that if they hurt the girls or anyone else, they will be picked up by the cops. As for the other stuff (lying, refusing to do chores), well, obviously that's harder to deal with because it's more vague. But I think it's safe to say that in most human dealings, the best way to influence or improve somebody's behavior is to make it real unpleasant for them to continue what they're doing... to make it in their interest to change their behavior. And let them know the deal so there is no surprise or uncertainty so that if they choose to misbehave they have no one to blame for the repercussions they suffer but themselves. It may not prove a foolproof method, but I'd guess it's worth a try. Like for example: "Dude, you are NOT going to like what happens if I hear you call your sister a bad name again, because you're not going to like scrubbing the floor with a toothbrush and vinegar at 5:00 in the morning. Your choice." Or: "yeah I know you don't really feel like doing the dishes. And I don't really feel like cooking you dinner or paying for your phone either. If you back out on your promises and contributions to the family, I guess others in the family have a right to back out on their promises and contributions to you. It's much better for all of us if we all pitch in and do things to help each other out. But again, your choice." You as the step-parent who isn't even living full-time with the step-kids REALLY don't have to do anything for them. Their mom obviously has to provide a basic decent level of care and make sure there's food in the house for them to eat, etc. But at their age she doesn't have to cook it! There are plenty of "extra" things you and she can leverage and refuse to do for them until they learn to behave decently, without running the risk of being negligent parents. In the meantime, though, do proceed with family counseling. Even though the boys' behavior desperately needs changing, it sounds like there are some genuine adjustment problems and anger issues that need to be addressed. Especially with the older boy, who sadly sounds like he has had a lot in his life to be angry about. He just can't be allowed to continue expressing it in the ways that he has been....See MoreCan't Stand StepSon
Comments (42)I didn't read all the posts so someone probably already said that you are deluding yourself. He will do the same thing to you and your children as he has done to the other three. Also, you might take a step back for the time being and get your house in order. One thing is you have no business resenting a child. Another thing is that child's behavior depends more on you than anything else. If you set rules in your own household for behavior, he would be obliged not to do the things you dislike, like not cursing and not listening to undesirable music that are a bad influence on the other children in your home. Lastly, get some counseling to learn how to properly direct your feelings. You are married to a jerk and you are as much a jerk for complaining rather than doing anything about it and for disliking a child who has done nothing to you outside of reacting to your own behavior and displays of resentment. Understand this, that child, like any other, would very likely have accepted your love, attention, kindness with open arms, but you have put him off. Don't think he does not recognize how you feel. You cannot hide it if you tried although I doubt you have tried. To answer your question, the way to deal with this child is to decide to be a very good influence in his life. I hope you will also consider that while strangers don't know all the details, they also cannot all be wrong. When you are hurt and trying to accept baby #6, #7, and goodness knows how many more or when you and your baby are left out in the cold with the others, just remember there were a bunch of strangers who told you so, but you chose to ignore them. When in a relationship, every woman feels like "it won't happen to me." But it always does. But you didn't ask for that advice, so take it or leave it....See MoreAm I wrong not wanting to attend my step son’s birthday?
Comments (3)I am a step-mom of a now-26 year old, whom I "got" at 8 years old and was also abandoned by his mother (but raised by his father), and I say go to the party, but DEFINITELY talk with your husband about it first and let him know how you feel. He needs to step up here and stick by you a little more during the get together. Stop being a bystander with this family you willingly married into - interact with them and you just might find you enjoy their company. Even if you don't enjoy their company, unless something really egregious happens, you really should attend the big events. (I always attend holidays, birthdays, the random visit, etc., but don't go every visit time my husband does.) On the matter of this child being introduced specifically as DH's son, I'm sure they all assume that it's understood. I mean, you know he is DH's son, and they all know you know, correct? It's super hard - I know that first hand - but you married into the situation and I think you need to make more of an effort....See Morehlmhr
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