I think it's great that you stick up for yourself but he was in his 30's when you married his dad and if the dynamic already existed, it probably isn't ever going to change. I doubt your husband, at 75, is going to start standing up to him. It's a shame. If I were you, I'd keep my distance from him or get out of the marriage. It really is up to your husband to change how he interacts with his son and that's not likely to happen. Your choices are pretty limited at this point.

it is your DH's job to put his foot down. if he didn't for that many years, he probably never will. i cannot imagine taking anything from my parents' house without permission.

While I agree the dynamic between your husband and his son will probably not change, in your shoes I'd continue to stand up for myself. Don't be nasty but don't take his crap and tell him so. "This is my home and I prefer not to be treated this way." A totally reasonable expectation. With luck he'll go off in a huff angain and the problem will be solved.

48? There is no room at the inn. This is a way grown man. Is he unable to take care of himself for some reason at 48?DH doesn't have to stand up to him for you to not return to the old situation, you need to stand up to DH. You can't live with him. Say so and stand your ground.

I had a situation very similar to this with my SD, she went to work trying to split us. Wanted to cut me out and only see her dad. She is abusive and takes what she wants also. Her dad tried to reason with her, cajole her and also gave in to her demands. She told him he needed to choose. I told him to choose himself and I hoped that what he wanted for himself was me but if it wasn't I needed to know. Finally he realized that she was interfering with his happiness and chose himself. I would suggest telling your husband that. I get that you do not want to feel guilty about coming between your H and his son but you are not the abusive one. What my H found is that he is much happier without her constant drama and is finding a lot more enjoyment out of life.

good luck.

Thanks for all your responses. I guess the part I really hate is the grandkids don't see their grandfather. Two are in college and the youngest is a senior in high school. I have no idea what their father has told them about me but I've decided that no matter what, I will stand up for myself. I will no longer be disrespected. Step son behaves around his kids because they won't tolerate his bad moods and general crap.
With any luck step son will find something to pout about again. I'm afraid I waited too many years to put an end to this thing and now I can hardly stand the idea of having him around my house. I don't know what to say to him when he comes over. He did come over a few days ago and I managed to be gone but I can't avoid him forever. Colleenoz has probably the best advice for now. Since he's a typical bully, he will probably behave for awhile. There's really no one left that will take his bullying anymore except his Dad. I told my husband when you reward bad behavior by letting a child get their way, you do them no favors. He just wanted peace at any price......

I have been struggling, - in the dark at first, but now I have seen the light - with my step son since he was 9 years old. He lost his mother to breast cancer when he was a baby and then I came into his life when he was a preschooler. He was a darling boy who loved his father's attention and knew how to get it. As he became older, he was spoiled by his father and treated fairly by myself, just as I did his brother 9 years older and my own two daughters. He is now 26 years old and I am still struggling. His father is still spoiling him - giving him money even though he has not worked full time since his 6 years in college. He is a full blown narcissist. He bullies everyone including his father. I just can't be around it, so I travel alot to see friends, and family. When I return home there is always something. This last time I figured out his Passive Agressiveness. He always entertains at our home when we are gone, even though he doesn't live here. This time it was taking the couch pillows from the living room - three pillows that match the sofa and the chair. I didn't notice at first, but the next day I checked myself first, "Self, did you take those pillows to the basement for laundering? No they are not down there." I find it very very difficult to stay quiet about the small things he does. In the past, I have confronted him, but then he makes up falsehoods to his father about me - his dramas - to cause trouble and make me look bad. Most of the time, his father and I can't even speak for about a week - the freezer. Well, I am out of the freezer because I haven't spoken a word about this episode. Hope I can keep my mouth shut. The sad part of this is I just don't live at home very much. I will not knowingly choose to be anywhere around this boy - Golden Boy - narcissist. I go to therapy but the therapist wants me to come to see her with Golden Boy. I just haven't been able to get myself to do that. His loft apartment is full of things he has lifted from my home and expensive toys he should not be able to afford. I won't go there anymore. I get angry when I see the things he has taken from me. His father doesn't care. If anyone has any solutions I would love to hear them.