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Can't Stand StepSon

Posted by confusedmother (My Page) on
Wed, Dec 10, 08 at 12:20

okay so this is a wierd situation and i don't know if anyone else knows how to deal with it. So my fiance has 5 children including OUR daughter. Out of the 5 he sees my daughter everyday because we all live together. The other 3 live with their mothers. Then the last one lives with my fiances mother. he just found out 6 months ago that the kid living with his mother is not even biologically his. He had heard rumors for a while and well they were right. Now the other 3 that live with their mothers he never even wants to see. He does not call them and does not visit with them. All 4 of his other kids including my daughter have had genetic testing done...they are ALL his biological children. Why is it that he will not step up for his biological kids but he is constantly calling his non-biological son and including him in activities with me, my son, and our daughter? It makes me so mad that he can be there for someone who is not his but not for his own blood children. He says that it is not his fault that they don't really want to visit. I disagree, I think it is completely his fault for not being there for the other 3 children. That is why they feel uncomfortable maybe. I resent having to care for a child who is nothing to my fiance when there are 3 other kids who need our time and love. Those other 3 are my daughters siblings. This other boy is not. I can not stand him...I can't even look at him. Everything is fine when that child is not around. I don't understand why my fiance is taking care of the childs irresponsible mothers responsibilities when my fiance has 3 other ones that he needs to put before anything or anyone else!


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Can't Stand StepSon

Hi Confused,
What are the ages of the children please?


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RE: Can't Stand StepSon

my daughter is 2...his bio-son is 2 as well....yes he cheated and i still accept that son in my family because he is HIS son...his bio daughter is 7...his bio son is 8 and the non-biological child is 11


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'Can't Stand StepSon' - I think you're blaming the wrong person

So he's known the bio child the longest, been in his life, he was the first child?

I'm sorry. This must be hard. But in my thinking this child is his. Still. Even though not bio. He has a responsibility to this child.

How many mothers are there? 2,3,4?

Personally, I take little stock in genetics determining who is in my family. I would accept all of the kids. Your husband's behavior, no. Do you ever consider that he's done this before with other women, and he may do the same thing to your child?

Personally I'd have a lot more issue with the cheating and the not seeing other kids than I would with this boy not sharing genes with your husband and child. This poor child just found out at age 11!!!! his dad is not his dad and therefore is hated by his new SM.

Sorry, I just threw up in my mouth a little. I think you need to really self-examine and check your values. I need to stop writing before I say something mean.


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RE: Can't Stand StepSon

" I can not stand him...I can't even look at him. Everything is fine when that child is not around"

You can't stand an eleven year old child?...wow...and you actually want to be with a "man" who doesn't want anything to do with the children he put on this earth?...ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?... so many unwanted children and so much irresponsible behavior. I'm not one to do the shame thing but SHAME ON ALL OF YOU!!!


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RE: Can't Stand StepSon

he is not hated...he is resented. how can a father raise a child that is not his but neglect other children that are his. and no i do not think it will happen with me. the other kids moms were more like one night stands...i was with him 2 years before i got pregnant and i am the first one that he has lived together with to raise a child. No one said I would not accept all children...I will accept all children when he is willing to accept the other 3. He is only willing to accept one and that makes me throw up in my mouth ALOT!


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NO I Can't Stand HIM

i highly doubt you would be able to stand an 11 year old child who listens to rap music with cursing...wears baggy clothes....talks like a little gangster and thinks that police officers all suck...especially when my own father is a police officer....so when he is being put in front of 3 children who desperatly want their father and are not being given the attention...i CAN'T stand him!


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RE: Can't Stand StepSon

Sounds like a normal pre-teen to me.

Why are you deflecting his father's (yes, you heard me, his father's) behavior onto a child? It's not his fault his dad isn't paying attention to his other kids.

"I will accept all children when he is willing to accept the other 3."

So your love/acceptance for him is contingent on his father's acceptance of the other children? WHAT?

"and no i do not think it will happen with me. the other kids moms were more like one night stands...i was with him 2 years before i got pregnant"

Um... yeah, and he also got another woman pregnant at the same time. That must be awful, and I do have sympathy for that situation, but that should be a GIANT red flag that you're not much different than those other women in his eyes.


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RE: Can't Stand StepSon

Confused

I hate to tell you this but your husband is a dick. Not only is he a cheat (did he cheat on the other women as well...is this why there is multiple babies mama's) but he turns his back on his offspring. That's low. It sounds like he woman hops and then dumps the kids when he leaves the woman!

The non-bio 11 year old lives with his MOTHER for weeping out loud. It isn't like he was even raising HIM when he thought the child was his....his MOTHER was. Perhaps that's the reason he still keeps contact with this particular child. His MOMMY makes him. That's just revolting. Somebody snip this man.

By the way...the poor kid just found out his dad isn't really his dad so it is probably pretty damn sucky for the boy right now as well. Have a little sympathy for him.

Honestly whether the child realizes this or not, I don't think he's missing much because this man is a loser and your issue shouldn't be with the boy but with HIM! Yuck.


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RE: Ditto, Doodle

"That's just revolting. Somebody snip this man."


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RE: Can't Stand StepSon

I'm going to try to be nice.

My SS (9) is not my DH's biological son. DH didn't even meet BM until SS was a few weeks old, but the BD wasn't in the picture at all. DH and BM got involved, and DH became SS's dad. They split up when SS was 3, but DH loved him and was his dad in their hearts, so he kept being SS's dad.

It's a tough situation to be the non-bio parent, but not a stepparent either. It's tough for everyone, but it doesn't make you any less the parent.
Kids need parents and people who love them to be secure and stable figures in their lives. I'm glad your fiance is continuing to be 11yo's dad.

Now, if this is tough for you and you don't like the kid... Well, get over it.
Find something you like about 11yo and focus on it (if he likes science at school and you like it too, take him to a science centre. If he likes skateboarding, and you like videogames, ask him to play Tony Hawk with you and teach you the names of some tricks) A little bonding goes a long way.
Or, if bonding doesn't work, disengage. Let Dad and 11yo continue their relationship, but butt out (go for a walk or hang out in another part of the house when he is around, encourage Dad to go places with him when they are together, etc)

But don't blame this poor kid for everything.


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I agree

he does need to be snipped!


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Confused

"he does need to be snipped!"

At least you realize this I guess. Just try to put some of that resentment and blame on the adult male....he seems to be the one with the real issues here.

Ten bucks says he was a Mama's boy.


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RE: Can't Stand StepSon

He does not see 3 of his children!!! He has multiple babies mamas. He cheated on you before. He needs DNA testing done on each child??

I think your taking your anger out on his non-bio son because it is easier than being angry at your situation.

Your fiancee sounds like a guy of questionable actions and character. You really may want to rethink this relationship before taking it into marriage (or adding any more children to the mix).

That may not be what you want to hear. But he has left 4 other women he had kids by. He has cheated on you and that cheating resulted in another child.

How will you and him ever afford to even have a decent life together with all that child support going out each month?


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RE: When did this start?

Did he not see his other two kids when you met him? Only the one SS? Did you have a problem with it then, or is this a recent issue, that came about when he found out the boy wasn't biologically his?


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RE: Can't Stand StepSon

I see good news and bad news:

First, the bad news:
This guy's a total loser as a parent.

Now the good news:
At least you'll be able to ditch him completely and won't have to worry about him screwing up your daughter's life.


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RE: Can't Stand StepSon

when i met him years ago he was seeing only the non bio-son....after i expresse that he should treat all the kids the same he started seeing the other 2...then after a while stopped...this is an ongoing issue and has been since day 1. After I had my daughter and realized how it all was going I decided not to have any more children with him...because of the situation. Child support is not an issue anymore because one of the kids moms has the bio daughter and he has the non-bio son so it's an even trade at least now it is...the other bio-sons mom wants no money just for him to spend time with the boy...the other mom says as long as he gets diapers n stuff when she asks then she is okay with that. She knew he was involved with me at the time and sadly i i think she is just happy he is around...and that again is something he says I "am forcing" him to do. He says I "force" him to be around kids he does not want to be around. He says he was there from birth for only 2...which is my daughter and the non-bio...I said well I hate to tell you this but u do not get to pick and choose your children...cause if they could pick n choose their father I HIGHLY doubt they would pick you! DNA testing was done thru the courts when he was fighting back for owing 15,000 for the non-bio son...non-bios mom is a real winner on welfare and claimed the non-bio son was living with her since birth resulting in 15,000 arrears for non-bio...who in actuality was living with my fiances mom. The courts offered DNA testing on all children.


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RE: Can't Stand StepSon

Thats sad, confusedmother. Especially that you had to tell him to do this.

But I disagree, I think child support is still an issue. Whether the mothers request it or not, I think he is morally obligated to support and raise his children both monetarily and physically.


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RE: Can't Stand StepSon

You are actually marrying this dispicable man?!?!?! He's pond scum.


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RE: Can't Stand StepSon

Nivea said it...

"I think child support is still an issue. Whether the mothers request it or not, I think he is morally obligated to support and raise his children both monetarily and physically."

But it's not just morally obligated. Any of these mothers could at any time retract their verbal financial "agreement" and go after him for back child support. And depending on your state, you could be held responsible for paying for those children too.

I don't know why any woman would have a kid with a man on purpose when she knew how he acted toward his other two kids.

This is really weird. Why is your issue with your future step-son?


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RE: Can't Stand StepSon

He is a really bad parent. I'm sure he's not even a good parent to the 11-yr-old. The only person you should resent is your fiance. The 11-yr-old has done nothing wrong. He is your fiance's son, even if there is not biological connection.

I don't think you can change your fiance at all. Maybe you should get out of the situation completely.


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RE: Can't Stand StepSon

Your fiance is a deadbeat dad. He always has been. He doesn't see anything wrong with it.

He is not going to change.

While I do believe people can change, they have to actually want to. Your guy doesn't.

If you marry him, you know exactly what you're getting.

None of this has anything to do with the oldest son.


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RE: Can't Stand StepSon

confusedmother, I would give serious thought to getting married. Your title "Can't stand Stepson" is sad. Please don't blame an 11 yr old because the only dad he has ever known doesn't want to see his other children. I sure hope the boy has a good home with his grandparents. I can't help but wonder if the other moms don't care because they don't want to deal with your fiance.


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RE: Can't Stand StepSon

I agree with the warnings the rest of the posters are giving you.

Also, ask yourself, is he playing you too? You have a two year old together and he still hasnt married you. Perhaps he has no intention of doing so. He is a womanizer who refuses to take responsibility for his kids. Dont be naive.


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RE: Can't Stand StepSon

If everyone else doesn't get it, I do.... confusedmother feels special. He was with her for TWO WHOLE YEARS, not just some cheap one night fling... like his other baby mama. She's willing to accept the evidence of his affair because they share DNA but she won't accept the child that is his child in his heart. (if he actually has one)

If this is a real post, it is SO wrong on so many levels.

First, how dare a man wait 10-11 years to have a DNA test to prove a child he treats as his own is or isn't really his bio child? Someone said 'pond scum'... that's being nice. If he loves the child as his own, he would have declined a DNA test and not put the child through that. I suspect someone that is LOWER than pond scum pressured him to 'find out the truth'. Disgusting!!!

Secondly, if confusedmother had to encourage him to see his other two kids, that should have been her first clue that he is a deadbeat. A man should not have to be told to see his kids. (nor should a mother) Yet, confusedmother says he complains that she is 'forcing' him to see kids he doesn't want to see. What a great guy!!! That happened BEFORE she brought another innocent child into the world to suffer as one of his kids? Sickening... confusedmother is guilty for any pain this man causes HER child with him.

Third, if his oldest one lives with his mother, he went out and made another child with the same mother... since she has one and he has one equals no child support? But wait, he doesn't have one. His mom does. He has NONE. He should be paying his mother and the mother of his other child some support. He's a deadbeat for sure!!! He isn't supporting any of his kids... diapers and such is NOT support. and you have the NERVE to say bio mom is a 'real winner'? Like SHE is to blame? No, your Mr. Wonderful is the real winner!!! My guess is confusedmother is supporting this deadbeat financially because if he works, they will garnish his wages and he might not have the energy to continue to prowl & procreate! Maybe he should get a job or a second job instead of going to court to fight off paying arrears that wouldn't exist if he had been a real man and paid what he was supposed to in the first place. If he had a question about whether this child was his or not, he should have taken that up when he was first ordered to pay support, not when he's $15k in arrears and not when the child is 11 years old. How heartless can he be??? and you support him? Pitiful!!!!!

This is just more proof that "you can't fix stupid"


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RE: Can't Stand StepSon

i highly doubt you would be able to stand an 11 year old child who listens to rap music with cursing...wears baggy clothes....talks like a little gangster and thinks that police officers all suck...especially when my own father is a police officer....so when he is being put in front of 3 children who desperatly want their father and are not being given the attention...i CAN'T stand him! ...

hmm I wonder why this could be maybe perhaps because he is a child basicall abandoned by both mother and father (and I am referring to you sig other) and now despised and resented by his sm or rather his dads newest girlfriend and baby's mama for something that is and always was out of his control

(Shaking Head) I feel so sorry for all of these children. And, quite frankly you have no right to complain what so ever about your current situation and more so no right at all to pass resentment or anger onto an 11 year old child. You are a grown adult and knew what you were getting into..after all you were with him for two years and this was a problem since day one. You are an adult that chose this... he is a child that deserves love and guidance... actually there are a whole crew of children here that deserve love nd guidance.


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soooo wrong on so many levels

amen ima


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ima mommy

in response to your post...first of all the reason he had DNA testing done was because he was advised by his attorney to do it since he was going to court to be granted the credit of 15K in arrears that he should never have had to pay!

2nd of all you have nerve to assume that i am blaming the bio mom for the situation. she was the one to put this child on someone who she knew was not the father. my fiance was 15 years old when she told him she was pregnant knowing DAMN WELL he was not the father. She admitted it to me herself that she blamed him cause the other guy walked out when she told him. So the fact that he waited 10 years might sound wierd but in actuality it is not. He was a kid when he became a father...he was unaware they even offered testing...and even so he believed that the child was his. So yes when a mother knowingly blames someone else for a child that is not theirs...leaves the child on the guys doorstep...and goes out and within 10 years has 5 more children by 5 more men decides not to work but to sit around collect welfare, foodstamps, and smoke crystal meth all day then yes...i will say she is a LOSER...not to mention none of the fathers are around because half of them she does not even KNOW!

3rd of all my fiance does have a job....he is not being garnished for anything because the 15k he owed in arrears was credited after a long process! His child support case is closed! And how in the hell do you know that he does not give his own mother money for the non-bio child? And you have nerve to assume stupidity!


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RE: Can't Stand StepSon

Nice, you just keep defending him, hope you can keep on living in fantasy world!


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RE: Can't Stand StepSon

"goes out and within 10 years has 5 more children by 5 more men"

doesnt your fiance have at least 4 children with four different women?

Isnt there a saying about birds of a feather flock together... crappy baby mama... equally crappy "father"....new baby mama who despises an 11 year old because he isnt blood related

The only reason why he isnt being garnished as it is is because the other mothers(please note the plural) have not wised up and held him responsible for his children. I truly hope that day comes very very soon.

Isnt there a saying about birds of a feather flock together... crappy baby mama(if she does indeed smoke meth and what not)... equally crappy "father"


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typo

ugg typo didnt mean for that to be in there twice

Isnt there a saying about birds of a feather flock together... crappy baby mama(if she does indeed smoke meth and what not)... equally crappy "father"


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RE: Can't Stand StepSon

and if he has two kids with her, then how can she have five more kids with five fathers? He is the father of another one of her children.

I also have to say that your fiance is a moron if he didn't know about DNA testing 11 years ago. It's not a new technology. There's all sorts of info on DNA... tv shows that are devoted to it (forensic files), daytime talk shows devoted to it (Maury & Montel), and didn't he have parents that might have insisted he get tested at 15? I know I would insist if my 15 year old son was accused of getting a girl pregnant. Is that somehow supposed to drum up sympathy, now that you disclose he was a poor naive 15 year old victim of this evil woman that 'tricked' him? Fine, the poor boy didn't know any better at 15. He wasn't 15 when your kid and the offspring of his 'cheating' was born.

Oh.... tell me this is a joke!!!!!

I just keep thinking... we all wondered what happened to TOS... Could it be??? Well, if it is... the board WAS getting a little boring until this mess of a post that sure throws a lot into a pot at once. If it isn't, and this post is real.... LADY, GET SOME HELP!!!! (or why not call Jerry Springer???) That's what this post is reminding me of... GEEZ!!!


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oh yeah

and just in case anyone is doing the math... she says the non bio is 11, his son is 8 and daughter is 7. Then two 2 year olds. Then, later she says there is no support because he has non bio son & she has daughter... well, how the hell does she have the daughter who is 4 years younger than non bio son. That might imply he was with her for four years and the 8 year old is a product of another affair? WTF? This post has to be fake... or the guy is a bigger loser than I first thought. She deserves him... she keeps defending him. The only smart thing she's said is that she is choosing to NOT have any more kids with this guy. That doesn't mean a guy like that won't have more kids elsewhere. Ha, more kids for us taxpayers to support.


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RE: Can't Stand StepSon

Confused,

Why are you confused? Walk away whistling! Doodle is right he is a total wang!


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RE: Can't Stand StepSon

Question?
Why is the non-bio kid living with his mother if he 1. works and 2. has another kid in his house and a girlfriend?

Why isn't his son with him?

And, did the non-bio's mom take him to court for child support? On what basis? It seems they could have proven that the kid was not living with her... And, if the crack addicted, mother of five from five different men got it together enough to take him to court... wow... the other baby mamas must REALLY be losers!

AND... if he was 15 when he had this baby, either the mama raped him (as an adult woman) or she was a kid too. Why is this all her fault? It takes two to procreate.

So he's 26 now. He sounds very mature and responsible. Personally, I'd have another kid with him. He sounds like a really great guy. (sarcasm intended)

No, really. Is this the guy you want your son to grow up with and have as a role model?

Also, funny that you should say this "Why is it that he will not step up for his biological kids but he is constantly calling his non-biological son and including him in activities with me, my son, and our daughter? It makes me so mad that he can be there for someone who is not his but not for his own blood children."

So it's ok for him to be there for your son (not his bio kid) but not the boy he called son for the past 11 years?


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RE: Can't Stand StepSon

Although this whole situation is very disturbing,I'm not going to shout accusations here like some people feel is their job.

You came here for advice,Op,and really got none.Mostly just people telling you to leave and get over it and what an @ss your BF is.All of what may be true,nevertheless,they are not helpful.

Few things.

Stop forcing your BF to have a relationship with his other kids.You cant force him to be a good parent.You mentioned his other kids DONT WANT TO SEE HIM,so let it go.He will be the one to have to deal with repurcussions when his children get older and realize what a jerk their dad is.

About the son who is not technically his...You should also let go of this.You told one of the other posters that this child has been in his life the longest and is his first.Even if the child is not blood related,that explains his EMOTIONAL attatchment.So whether this child is blood or not,at this point he sees him as so because he has been around for so long.Understand?

If you cannot stand to be around the non bio child,then dont be.It's that simple.When he comes over,leave for a while.There is no law that says you have to be around him.In fact,maybe it's better you not be being as your feelings are so ill.
Personally,I would leave your BF if I was you,but that is a lesson you are going to have to learn on your own without people jumping on you about it.I think eventually,his lack of interest in your daughter will be the final straw.As it should be.


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Ilovex

you know this is the second subject where I've read you judging people for saying things you don't agree with...this happens to be an open forum which means we all have a right to voice our opinion...if you don't like it, keep it to yourself and STOP doing what you say we're doing, which would be... ACCUSING!!! if you love exercise so much then go do that instead.


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cindy pond

If you love ponds so much,GO JUMP IN ONE!


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iloveex

I'm sorry if I offended you. the OP did get advice and at the end of your last post, you gave the same advice that you criticized others for...

i.e. "Although this whole situation is very disturbing,I'm not going to shout accusations here like some people feel is their job.You came here for advice,Op,and really got none" "Personally,I would leave your BF if I was you"

again, sorry I offended you.


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cindy pond

My telling her what I personally would do wasnt my advice though.
My real advice was to have her STOP trying to force her bf to have a relationship with his kids,and to not be there when the non stepson comes to visit.
Yes,if it was me I WOULD LEAVE.But things arent always that simple for people.

I do not think I'm better then anyone on this board.And as I mentioned in another post,I'am NOT NEW HERE.This is the second account I've had here (one other a long time ago)
I dont feel that me making the observation that the judgements seem to be going a little overboard is wrong.I'm just calling it like I see it.

When I first came to this board,everyone was so helpful and calm and supportive.

I know it's easy to see wrong in what people type and focus on that only.I'm just trying to put myself in someone's shoes instead of just saying what is right and what is wrong.
And dont worry,I'am not easily offended.


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Merry Christmas ilovex

I was being harsh with you and I apologize. This forum is a wonderful place with such diversity and sometimes it's good to disagree and argue a little because It helps to see different points of view and the different ways that people have of handling things. Thanks for the input... and I would love to come exercise with you if you swim with me in my pond...Merry Christmas :)


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RE: Can't Stand StepSon

It's ok :)

We are all just obviously very passionate women who feel things strongly.If you were being harsh with me maybe it's because I came off as being holier than thou,so I apologize for that!
Swimming in your pond would be great exercise! Merry Christmas ;)


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RE: Can't Stand StepSon

I didn't read all the posts so someone probably already said that you are deluding yourself. He will do the same thing to you and your children as he has done to the other three. Also, you might take a step back for the time being and get your house in order. One thing is you have no business resenting a child. Another thing is that child's behavior depends more on you than anything else. If you set rules in your own household for behavior, he would be obliged not to do the things you dislike, like not cursing and not listening to undesirable music that are a bad influence on the other children in your home. Lastly, get some counseling to learn how to properly direct your feelings. You are married to a jerk and you are as much a jerk for complaining rather than doing anything about it and for disliking a child who has done nothing to you outside of reacting to your own behavior and displays of resentment. Understand this, that child, like any other, would very likely have accepted your love, attention, kindness with open arms, but you have put him off. Don't think he does not recognize how you feel. You cannot hide it if you tried although I doubt you have tried. To answer your question, the way to deal with this child is to decide to be a very good influence in his life. I hope you will also consider that while strangers don't know all the details, they also cannot all be wrong. When you are hurt and trying to accept baby #6, #7, and goodness knows how many more or when you and your baby are left out in the cold with the others, just remember there were a bunch of strangers who told you so, but you chose to ignore them. When in a relationship, every woman feels like "it won't happen to me." But it always does. But you didn't ask for that advice, so take it or leave it.


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