Plastic .....welcome back :) Did/does your sister see what she was/is doing is wrong or does she believe her own lies and Bull? In what world is it ok to make yourself feel better by stepping on others. I am having a very hard time with this. Tired of being berated by children who are repeating their mother. Hubby said today we were much happier when she only took them one day a week ... I said yes because it was only one day a week she could poison their minds. Now its constant. Ok so as long as you cheated on your spouse you can infect your children with poison about the spouse? Came to a decision today .... attitude walks in the door I will say " I do not want to hear what your mother says about me to you and I do not want you to repeat it to me ... You have no right to hurt my feelings. Because I am tired of being hurt and angry because of stuff your mother says to you." Conversation last night .... mommy said if you didn't marry daddy we could all live together again .... we have been married for 2 years. Court today.... continued new court date again..... Judge "warned" not to discuss anything related to the proceedings with the children. "it would not be in her best interest". late and rambling will add more tomorrow.

The only thing I would change is the bit about explaining why it's important not to do X-Y-Z up front (before you hear their side), because that suggests you accept DD's version of events completely and that the other parent actually did what DD says they did. As any parent knows, kids are very adept at 'spinning' a story to make themselves look innocent and the other folks look bad, and that's probably what they're objecting to. Even if you're sure DD is being honest, she is being 'honest as she sees it' -- which is different. She's interpreting things first, before relaying the facts to you; then you're interpreting them again before reacting. I'd suggest the following adaptation: 1 - DD said this happened ___ 2 - I asked her what happened before the problem and she said X-Y-Z. 3 - I wanted to hear your side of the story before reaching any conclusions. 4 - Can you please let me know your perspective as soon as possible, so I can discuss the event with DD and how she might have handled it more productively? This last bit implies they are not to blame, or at least that DD provoked or exacerbated the problem -- which is often true to some extent. Of course, your discussion with DD is entirely up to you, and her 'handle it more productively' may simply be recognizing that her SM is a loon and not giving her the satisfaction of an emotional blowout...

My first husband was told by my FIL not to learn a task (menial, in particular), else he'd be stuck doing it. FIL was extremely successful but first husband felt the need to "do stuff" so he could properly train his staff plus be able to assess, from experience, what constituted a "good job". I agreed with his point of view. Advice worked for one generation but not for the next.

Chi, by the time your child is 15 it is too late to affect his or her decisions about drugs, alcohol, sex. I agree with that. I think kids make decisions in late middle school about what they will /won't do ... but the chance to do these things doesn't tend to come until later. That's why you have to talk to them BEFORE they make decisions ... however, that doesn't mean you should talk to them at 11 or 12 and then quit -- it has to be an ongoing series of discussions. I know that I might've rolled my eyes and complained, but I did listen to what my mom said, and I mulled it over later and took it seriously. I think my girls were the same way. You need to discuss with this hypothetical 15 year old child what the actual real life consequences of smoking pot can be (and no it is not just harmless- ask your pediatrician for the latest studies on how pot smoking affects children.) No, it's not harmless by any means. And if you aren't concerned about the health issues, consider this: In my college daughter's nursing class, several kids had "drinking tickets" from on campus police -- drinking under age -- and because of those tickets they weren't allowed to complete a portion of their nursing internships -- specifically, they weren't allowed to do their rotations with a school nurse (I think another issue as well). On the same topic, a friend of mine had a foreign exchange student stay with her family -- because her older son (who didn't even live in the house any longer) had a "drinking ticket", they almost weren't chosen as a host family. They had to file notarized documents stating that the exchange student would never be in a car where the older son was a driver. The moral: These things CAN follow young people into places they don't expect. You and your four siblings would be a first for me because I don't believe I've ever known anyone who could make the statements you say apply to all of you I don't believe my siblings were lying to me about never having used drugs or drinking alcohol underage; being two decades removed from our teen years, no one had any reason to hide anything. I think it shows that when parents talk to their kids about drugs and alcohol effectively, the lessons stick. If your child does not respect you when she is little, she will not respect you when she is big. There are plenty of people who once they are adults, look back and see the error of their ways, but it may be too late by then. I read somewhere that if you listen -- really listen -- to your kids when they're two, they'll really listen to you when they're teens. I don't know if that's a blanket statement or not, but my kids wouldn't stop talking to me when they were teens -- I knew more than I wanted to know about who was doing what. Chi, what is the difference between being intoxicated with alcohol and being intoxicated with pot? One's legal ... for people over 21. The other is illegal. That's a pretty big line to cross; it means that the items in question have been purchased illegally, furtively and perhaps in a dangerous situation, and it shows a greater disregard for the law. In Europe this is considered the way to bring up children who treat alcohol like a normal part of life and do not overindulge. My husband was raised in Europe, and as a teen he absolutely was into the overindulging culture. Regardless, most of us aren't European, so what matters is the culture in which we ourselves live. Mrs S, I'm sure you're a thinker. Wouldn't you rather consider yourself (and have others consider you) to be a thoughtful person with good common sense? Someone who can find your own way to good judgments in the world, instead of a strict rule follower who relies on someone or something else to tell them what to do. And who is lost in the absence of that to refer to? I'd think so and I think you'd want your kids to be similarly thoughtful. I happen to think the laws on drinking ARE well thought out; they're intended to protect teens and young adults from the dangers of drinking. My brother wanted to teach his kids to drink responsibly before they were 21 and not just let loose at 21 to go do what they're "not supposed to do before 21". Although I wouldn't offer my own kids to drink, I do understand his point I've heard many people espouse this "teach them to drink" philosophy; however, the reality is that you've been teaching your child to drink responsibly (or irresponsibly) ever since he or she realized that Coke and beer aren't interchangeable beverages -- maybe age 7, 8, 9? From a young age your children have seen you drink moderately (or not), have seen you hand your keys over to your spouse after a couple drinks with dinner (or not), have seen that you can have a good time without alcohol (or not). You've been teaching your kids these lessons a long time! As for allowing them to drink in a "safe environment", research shows that philosophy backfires ... I grew up with an alcoholic father, I was very concerned about a genetic link and wanted to know how best to treat the subject with my children, so I read as much as I could -- and what I read over and over was that giving alcohol to your underaged children tends to lead to them drinking more and drinking more frequently.