Good grief indeed Thurman, isn't it about time you let this go? By stressing about every anticipated interaction with your SD for days in advance, you hurt yourself more than she ever could.

Heah, Thurman, maybe you could pretend to yourself that SD is wife's younger sister. Say to yourself, OK SIL is coming, we'll go out, go to a show. Would that bother you so much?

Grin and get through it its just a few days a year..Put on your big girl panties and try and enjoy it.

Yeah....we get it. You don't like her. It's just a weekend. I'm sure you'll survive. I'm sure she could care less about seeing you as well. Of course it's phony to you to be spending time with her and acting like you are actually enjoying her company because in reality you can't stand the woman. Maybe you should find something to keep yourself busy this weekend so wife and daughter can spend time together without, as you said it, dropping everything.

Everyone has a family member they don't like or care to be around. Thurman, how about you view your SD as a relative you don't enjoy being around, but you grin and bear it?

Or here's a thought - try and be nice for a change. From previous posts I gather the two of you are in a vicious cycle: You think she's going to be nasty so you're nasty. She thinks you're going to be nasty so she's nasty.

BREAK THE CYCLE!

Next time you are around her BE NICE. Even if she's not, be nice!! Who knows, next time she may remember that you were nice and she might be nice in return. Then next time she'll be nice and you'll be nice in return, etc. etc.

Break the cycle! Life is so much better when you get along with others instead of letting them upset you.

I agree with everyone else, she is your wife's daughter. Your wife is going to want to see her every once in awhile and you cannot expect it to always be away from your home. Can she really be that bad? Time to get over it already.

Part of it is bad memories over the past 20 years; i think i am suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. When sd is around, i just cringe. Part of it is fear of the blowup and whether i can keep my emotions in check when my sd does those 2-3 things that offend me each day of the visit. Part of it is that my wife changes so much; sd is the apple of her life and she worships her. I guess i feel threatened too as my son loves her and doesnt see the a-hole i see. All of that together brings great fear and trepidation.

I totally get what you're saying. Even though it sounds, to many people, that you are being petty or immature... sometimes no matter how much you want to ignore those things that grate on you, you can't. It's easy for people to say "you're the grown up, so just get over it" but that is easier said than done when YOU are the one dealing with it... and when nobody else acknowledges the problem, everyone else thinks YOU are the problem because you can't "get over it". When it gets to that point where you can't stand to be around them because you anticipate problems, real or imagined it creates discomfort and anxiety. I get that without judging who's right or wrong... because nobody can opinion without ever standing in your shoes.

That being said, would it be possible for you to take a mini trip & be gone when she comes to visit? It seems you have plenty of notice usually prior to her visits & since the anxiety or anticipation is so bothersome, perhaps you can plan a getaway for the few days she comes to visit your wife. Every year, I have planned a birthday party for my SD, since she turned 7. Every year, I plan & throw (and pay for a nice party... bake a cake, etc) and every year, she ends her day crying over something, usually has to do with her mom but she gets angry at me. At first, I told myself that I was a safe person to get angry at since she trusts me. Yeah, ok. But, then she did other things like saying nasty things about me to her grandma's and teachers, etc. She has tried to tell DH things to break us up. So, after years of feeling abused by her (and of course she is so good at crying, garnering sympathy, etc. that I feel like I am the only one that sees the manipulation & everyone else sympathizes with her ~including my DH~) So, I decided to not do anything to create a birthday celebration for her... let her parents do it. But, then I also felt that if she had a good time, I would resent it. I know that sounds silly & maybe even crazy, but I felt like I have literally spent thousands of dollars & hours upon hours over the last five years to make her birthday special for her but I get slapped in the face & no thanks from her... so it would be hurtful for me to see her enjoy a party her dad plans for her. It's not that I don't want her to enjoy her party, I guess I resent that she didn't enjoy the ones I made for her, which I put my heart & soul into doing "just right" so she would LOVE it. To see her get gushy over dad buying her an ice cream cake & singing happy birthday at MIL's house... well, it makes me feel like she hates the parties I've made her because she hates me, after all I have done to try to get her to like me or at least have fun as a kid. I feel rejected. So, this year I actually left the state for a week so I would be gone during her birthday. I bought her a gift & left it with DH but I wanted nothing to do with her party. I hope she had a good time. I didn't want to be there & feel that I am to blame if she didn't enjoy it.

Very few people see her as I do. She is manipulative, sneaky & conniving. She acts sweet to everyone. She acts quiet & afraid when I am around but is outgoing and talkative when I am not. Even my DH has said she is "afraid" of me... but when we are alone, she doesn't act afraid, she has stared me down with an icy stare. Sometimes when you have to deal with someone (and I don't know if your SD does anything intentionally ~ I'm pretty sure mine does~ but the best advice I can give is to get away & let her visit her mom and brother with you not there.

I 'get' what you're saying, Ima, but for Thurman I don't think removing himself helps him. He is just as unhappy and anxious when he is not included. Instead of being there going through it, he's not there and driving himself into 'panic' because he is not there and does not know what is being said/done.

For Thurman, avoiding the SD and/or removing himself from the forced get-togethers does not seem to make much of a difference for him. He's consumed with the 'idea' either way.

You know, Thurman, if there is anything to what you do think could be the root of your issues (the PTSD) there could be help for you in your struggles. You've told us over and over you are planning on getting counseling, seeing your dr ect...yet I don't think you've ever really followed through with it. Not sure if you actually gave it a try and ended up giving up too soon or if you've just not actually implemented the action.

This is a real 'issue' for you, whether imagined or real. It controls your life. I'm not sure your family really understand how 'real' it is for you...but only you can begin to find the source and the solutions. It may never be totally gone, but it could perhaps become do-able and/or tolerable...whether it is stay home or attend.

Thurman, I truly do wish you a happy new year. Perhaps your resolution for this year could be 'this is the year I reach out for help in dealing with what troubles me'. You don't have to go it alone, there are professionals out there that understand exactly what things are like for you.

Post-traumatic stress disorder.????Isn't that kinda dramatic??? What does she do 2 or 3 times a day when she is there that is so terrible? Its such a short time she visits..Try and get through it and don't make everyone miserable.

JMT~ I sat in my hotel room on SD's birthday, all the way on the other coast, wondering what was happening? Did they do anything? Were they having fun? Were they glad I wasn't there? It does consume my energy & then that makes me angry that I can't just "let it go"... it did help to remove myself from the situation but it didn't remove the thoughts in my head completely. Over time, removing myself (physically) on a regular basis has helped... along with a fair amount of self (positive) talk. (and reminding myself that I did not create this situation so it's not MY problem to deal with) I've gotten to a point where I can remove myself from day to day (emotional) involvement of what SD does (or gets away with) etc. I've gotten to the point where I can look at the situation from an outside perspective... much like if she were just another kid in the class that got in trouble. When the teacher calls to say she did something, instead of asking her why did you do that, I tell DH "the teacher called & said _____" and walk away. That doesn't sound like much but it's a big deal for me to be able to do that because I am a mom & when my kids were growing up, I was the one to deal with the school & my kids. I tend to want to do the same with her... plus, I do not want the teachers/school to think I am an a$$hole SM that won't do anything for this poor girl that was abandoned by her mom. (The lady at the county library got smug with me because I refused to sign for SD to get a card... I am not signing to take responsibility for her behavior, lost books or internet use. It bothered me to have someone snidely say "it sounds like you don't want to be responsible for SD". Um yeah, I don't! Now, I just have to remind myself that she is not my kid, what I do for her is because I WANT to... I have no obligation to her & as long as she doesn't give a crap what I think, I am not going to pretend it's better than it is. It's gotten easier to tell people that SD just doesn't like me and it's too bad... I feel bad for her but no, I am not her mom.

I know it's different than what Thurman is going through but I wanted him to know that I understand it & that it's easy for others to say "get over it" or "let it go" but not always so easy to do that. Even though I have gotten better at not letting SD annoy me on a daily basis, she is gone this week & while it's very nice... there is still a dread that she will be back next week... and I wish I didn't feel that way.

Thurman should seek professional guidance. I pray. I reach out for spiritual peace. and I have talked to both my doctor and a therapist. I am taking medication that has helped me as well. My thought with Thurman is, she does not visit frequently so when she does... go play golf, catch a movie, go to a coffee shop & read a book, etc. Do not be there to be annoyed. (not saying he won't be annoyed thinking about it wherever he is...) but, he won't know she did this or that. If he's busy doing something he enjoys, he is less likely to sit there thinking about it.

I haven't posted in a long time, but I still lurk now and then. I am quite familiar with Thurman's posts and I really used to sympathize with him because I felt that my SD's were guilty of many of the same types of incivilities that he often commented about in his posts. When I first read this, I thought that he should really just try to let it go because his obsession was probably creating more of a problem than the SD. This may or may not be true.

Instead of saying LET IT GO, like I had planned, I read IMA's post and I agree with her. He is unable to get over it because he gets no validation from his DW or DS. I find myself in a similar situation yet again with my eldest SD (late 20's).

This SD went out of her way to treat me badly for a number of years and I nearly left DH over it. I confronted her a few years ago about her blatant and obvious disdain for me and things actually improved, albeit slowly. Fast forward to last night - she finally comes over to see us to exchange Xmas gifts. She had to spend 12/24 with her grandparents and 12/25 w/her mom. She works full-time, and was too tired to come over after work until the end of the week - not a problem.

She walks in our house and immediately says, "You're the only one that I don't have a gift for. I ran out of money and I will get you something next time that I get paid." What the heck do you say to that? It was so awkward for me and her dad to an extent, but not to her. I sincerely believe that she believes that she will get me something, but I honest think it will slip by the wayside. Certainly, I don't need anything, but at the same time I feel that it just shows that I am an outsider to this family, and because of that fact, an afterthought. My gift to her was the first gift that she opened. It was a beautiful wool coat that I had gotten a screaming deal on at Lord & Taylor. She absolutely loved it, and wore in the house the entire time she was here.

So much has happened over the years that on the one hand I am not too upset. In fact, I was kind of glad that she did this in front of DH because he has always said that I was trying to make up reasons to put distance between his DD's and me. At the same time, I have to say that, like Thurman and IMA, it is hard to let go.

It's these little, and maybe not so little things, that add up over the years and place strain on a marriage and cause one personal stress. So, try not to be too hard on Thurman. He would surely do better if he could. I hope you find a counselor, Thurman, or at least find some validation from some of our stories, and realize that it happens to others as well.

Thanks folks for your posts, encouragement, and even criticisms. They do help.

I got through the weekend. A few minor "offenses" but nothing worth getting worked up. But the stress of the visit does take a lot of energy: ever since she left on Monday, I have been crashing this entire week. Just sleeping and not working much at all. It sure takes its toll.

So remember this next time SD is planning a visit. "Nothing worth getting worked up [about]". So nothing to stress over for days/weeks beforehand for next time. Don't buy tomorrow's trouble today, wait and see before you worry about something that might not even happen.