I'm new to this forum. I need some help.
I've been married for a year now and I have two SK's, SD just turned 6 and SS going to be 3. I have always felt as though I was more of a babysitter than a stepmom. DH always assured me that I was like a mother, BM is definitely in the picture and she's a little crazy, but I just ignore her. Anyway, I'm here because this is the second time this happens. I usually don't let the SK's have candy late in the evening. DH knows this and once before he allowed the SD to have candy and told her not to tell me. She of course told me secretely what DH gave her. I didn't get upset, he wants to give them candy fine. However, last night he again did the same thing. This time, SD calls me over and tells me as a secret that DH gave her two pieces of chocolate and DH told her not to tell me. But the way she said it was more taunting than just telling me a secret. So this morning I told DH that SD told me about the candy, and he got somewhat upset that she told me, which surprised me. I asked why does he want to hide these things from me as it's just candy. DH stated well we don't have to go around saying everything. I of course felt upset that he is hiding something so petty as candy when it comes to the SK's. He apologized and said he hid it from me because he did not want me to be upset at HER. I would never be upset at her because HE gave something. I feel like an outsider now, like I'm just there to be the babysitter. I understand they are not MY kids, they are HIS and BM kids, but now I guess I don't know how I should feel. Should I be upset and be concerned or let it go?

Help. Thanks.

He needs to man up and say "honey, I know you don't like to give the kids candy at night but I've made the executive decision and they're getting chocolate". Period.

If he apologized and understands what your issue is, let it go. But if/when it happens again, let him know you don't like being made the bad guy and being the odd one out. It's not fair and it will only damage your relationship with him and with the kids.

candy at night is a dumb idea but why not letting dad deal with it? DH hides candy business from you because you get upset, start a fight, argue etc? Men hate confrontation. it is wrong of him to hide from you, he needs to be able to tell you to back off (nicelly of course) but i am not sure why are you monitoring what he gives to his children? You could explain to DH that candy is bad for their health and you really wish they didn't eat candy but ultimatelly it is moms/dads decision.

In addition to the absolute bizarreness of conspiring with a 6-year-old, he's setting up a very bad dynamic with his daughter, grooming her to play the two of you against each other.