My first thought on reading this: They are testing you. I don't know if that's correct or if they are purposefully being difficult to make your day miserable, but it sounds like they are doing the "let's see how much we can get?" and that may be normal behavior children have when they start hanging out with someone new.

On the other hand, the changing of the movie could be that he wants to see it, just not with you. And by that, I don't mean it is personal against you (it may be but I don't know enough to have an opinion on that) or it could be that he doesn't want you doing nice things for him because it's harder to dislike you and he probably feels a loyalty to his mom... maybe he'd feel guilty if he likes you.

It's so hard to guess at the reasons people do things and it's easy to assume what the answers are... and it's easy to take everything personally. Maybe sit them down & discuss what kind of relationship you all can have so everyone can get along.

@imamommy - Unfortunately, I'm not new...They've known me for three years. We all live together, I drive them to school every morning, I go to almost all their school events, we've gone on vacations together,etc..

Maybe they don't like me?? For some odd reason, the thought of that doesn't really bother me, but I want my $11 back for the two Slurpies I bought yesterday...lol

After three years & they obviously have no respect for you or care at all about your feelings, I would have declined the weekend & done whatever YOU wanted to do. Or if taking them was to help out DH, that's fine too... but taking them to a movie would not happen again, at least not until they learn how to behave or be respectful. (PS. I wouldn't have bought the slurpies if it was going to cause me resentment...)

more likely, I would have said I can LOAN them the money for the snack bar & they can pay me back. Then I'd give them "jobs" they can do later on. It's not about the $$$, it's about the attitude that they are entitled to anything. If a neighbor kid's mom took them to a movie, would they have behaved the same way? I doubt it. But, if their mom or dad took them, they might have. The difference is the mom & dad have the good & the bad of them, you just get the bad. I'd expect to be treated just as well as the neighbor's mom... and if they acted like that, they'd never get invited again!

Here's my situation (if you haven't looked at my posts):

SD11 has lived with us full time for three years. Her mom pretty much abandoned her emotionally but she still goes to visit the first three weekends each month. She bends over backwards to get mom to come to her school stuff or just spend time with her during the visits.

I've felt horrible for SD's situation so I have tried to step in & do things for her like taking her to dance, swim, or girl scouts.. I've planned birthday parties & try to 'make up' for her mom's neglect. But, I've been the one that gets kicked for my efforts, not only by a jealous BM, but SD herself. She calls her mom when we are doing a girl scout or anything fun, knowing it pisses off her mom that I do things with her. Then SD gets an attitude with me because her mom has an attitude about it. So, it has come to the point that I do nothing for or with SD because it is so unenjoyable & she does not want those things with ME, she wants it with her mom.

Earlier this year, SD had her birthday. I planned a party & she wanted to invite her mom. Reluctantly, I agreed (I didn't let HER know I was reluctant). Her mom came 40 minutes late (to an hour long party) and brought no gift. As it was ending, SD asked me if she can go with her mom for an hour after the party & get dropped off at home. I said that's fine. SD, in front of everyone, told BM that she can go with her for an hour after the party & BM told her no. She told SD that she drove 2 hours with the baby (BM had just had another baby the month before) & she needs to get the baby home (she even told SD "I don't know how he's last THIS long as it is") and SD cried on the way home. I thought for sure, it was a breakthrough when SD asked me if she can call me mom a couple of months ago. It didn't take long to figure out it was just another one of her manipulations to make mom jealous. Her mom gets angry, jealous, but still doesn't give SD the attention she craves. I've come to accept that it THEIR relationship & THEY need to interact, as dysfunctional as I think it is... it's NOT my problem to fix.

To save MY sanity, I've had to disengage from SD because I don't want to be her weapon she uses with her mom. I find it much easier to place the "neighbor's mom" rule on SD as expectations go. I won't do anything more or less than the neighbor's mom would do for her & expect her to treat me as she would treat the neighbor's mom... and if she can't do that, I won't do ANYTHING for her.

Thanks for telling me your story Imamommy - I think that maybe SD11 is probably in a similar boat in that she resents the stuff I do because she would prefer it was her mother doing them. She doesn't use me to manipulate her mom because she's been purposely brainwashed when it comes to her mom.

I think the neighbor's mom rule is probably a good idea. I've been trying to carry on some of the xmas traditions that my mom practiced with me and my sister when I was little like making sugar cookies, but after yesterday I don't feel like wasting my time. They've asked me several times over the past couple of days when we're going to bake sugar cookies,but I know if I do it, they won't appreciate it or find some kind of way to put it down. I'm just not going to do it.

I'm just going to spend the day watching Harry Potter movies while they do whatever.

Oh yeah...and not one thank you after taking them to the movies and then out to lunch to the place they requested afterwards. But their Dad buys them a cheeseburger and fries from Mickey D's and they're falling over themselves to say thank you first.

I would explain to them that it's HIS job to provide for them....not mine. Somehow I don't think it would matter though.

lol, I bake tons of cookies every year. SD used to bake with me... then take a tin of cookies to her mom & say "look what Ima & I did together!" Needless to say, I bake them when she's gone now. You're right, I am made to feel guilty for not baking with her (because she wants to bake) but when I do, it gets turned into something I've done wrong again. Enjoy your movie!

Steplady I understand your statement "Why do I bother?" my sks are adults but it is the same with them. they will thank their dad but not me and they do not always thank their dad either. They can be ungratful to me and disrespectful. so be prepared for a life time of this. I have been in the picture for several years and the behavior has not changed. sorry to be straight forward, but it can be the life of some step parents so you may have to except it or move on.

I think your SKs are ungrateful and entitled but slurpee is not a big deal, I would buy it. It is just the whole movie experience i guess, not worth arguing.

But I do agree they act ungrateful. SD is 29 and still demands, last Christmas I and SO took her and her DH to the movies. She is 29 and he 38, they asked for snacks. Movie theater by us is very expensive, $10 one ticket for evening show. They both make a lot of money, yet they ask for pop corn and coke. It was weird that her DH did not offer to buy everyone snacks. I was going to buy snacks because SO was spending money on all of us left and right, but SO said "no, I will buy it". I am 44, SD's DH is 38, why am i supposed to treat him like he is a child. He has wealthy parenst who buy him everything, so he wants me and SO to buy him stuff, weird

They are ungrateful and the youngest is pretty greedy. I just remembered his bday at the beginning of this year. His bday is less than a month after xmas and he always asks for tons of stuff even though he just got a ton of stuff. For his birthday, my DF decided to JUST get him a brand new bike and an educational game for the computer. I decided to get him NADA because his greedy behavior at Xmas turned me off. I warned his father that he would be disappointed with just the bike and game and sure enough....we took him out to dinner and then came home to blow out the candles and give him his gifts. He saw the bike and game and then said "where's the rest of my gifts?" I just shook my head. For the rest of the time, he just had a disappointed look on his face and I was pleased as punch that I hadn't spent a dime.

I did the same thing with the daughter's bday. I felt a lot better too and since they made a career out of not acknowledging me, they don't even notice I didn't buy them anything.

I'll be the one to disagree. What happened to showing a bit of empathy
ladies?

I'm not excusing the bahavior of the kids, but I don't agree with the
drastic approach you guys are discussing. I already posted on another thread
of Steplady about first trying something a bit less full-on, but no
response.

Do you really think your relationship will improve with these kids when you
disengage and leave it all up to FDH? The bond is already tense as is, for
you to stop trying with them will not help them learning to respect you. I
doubt they can be pressured into respecting you, by withholding yourself,
but you can try. I think you will end up bitter, and I doubt the kids will
start making an effort by themselves, they will not have the maturity to see
what is expected of them, nor will they understand that once they change,
you will change too.

You should consider seeing this from their point of view. They are hurt that
it's not BM but you doing all these things, so they sulk and they test
boundaries. They feel bad and disloyal to BM if they enjoy themselves with
you. They feel less bad if they sulk and even upset you by being rude. Once
they get you angry they might experience some relief of the sense of guilt.
I could even go as far as drawing a comparison to the emotions behind people
selfharming.

Can't you see how they will sacrifice their relationship with you (a
potential great thing in their life) to 'please' BM, putting aside their own
needs for BM's needs. They will do that for her, doesn't that just break
your heart? It's not personal, you should know that.

Don't set yourself up for failure, show some compassion and have a bit of
patience, try some less agressive methods first, I made suggestions in the
other post on the other threat. Learn to deal with your anger and
resentment, give this a real chance. It's not about being within your
rights, because of course you are within your rights to disengage, it's about
doing what's best for everyone involved, and they are NOT the same thing.

And I know what it's like, it's not as if I don't understand. Every time we
take the SD's shopping we get the sad faces. It's always been like that, and
it's always hard, but we accept it for what it is. They like getting new
clothes but they feel bad knowing that it upsets BM, so they walk around
like sad sacks and make it pretty hard. I've had this experience for nearly
6 years now. However we have built a bond over the years and the skids do
show enough respect. I doubt we would be where we are if I had withdrawn
myself. How can they be expected to make an effort if they perceive you to
be the one that is over the whole thing? They'll be scared to reach out,
don't do this.

Agreeing with some other posts, I think your skid's are trying to keep their loyalty with their mom. It's hard to understand why they would since SHE cancelled and SHE is the one that had upset them, but they don't want to be mad at their mom. It's easier to be mad at you.

I like the idea of having them do jobs to pay you back. It's not about the $ but the respect and appreciation that you deserve. I do this with my DD. She had a book fair in Nov and came home and said 'these are the books I want and don't forget the tax'. So... Bc I have issues with money and feeligs as it is(entire different subject) I gave her $10, told her the rest she could get out of her piggy bank and reminded her 'don't forget the tax'. So then she came home the next day saying 'we are having a Christmas shoppe and I need money to buy you a gift'. So I made a chart. $.25-$.50 for each 'job'. Brush teeth without being told(this is a hard one) make bed, put away dirty clothes, put away dishes after dinner, 2 acts of kindness in 1 day is $1, 1 act of 'evil' voids the entire transaction(also hard). She made $15.50 in two weeks. I then gave her $20 told her what the change would be. And she owed it to me. She came home with all her little gifts for the family plus two things for herself. And .50 for me.. Wow!! (and this is MY DD not a sd).. So I made her work it off.

I will not give her money anymore like that.. Now she gets to earn it. I think you were right in getting the slurpees and you have a right to your feelings. Vent them here not to them. If you back away from them that will hurt them even more. This is a rough age and they need to know they are not totally rejected. They will grow up and realize OMG my SM was always there for me. Out of all the people in my life, i treated her bad but she unconditionally loved me. That's how I feel about my SD after 27 yrs. He is my daddy - period.
Good Luck

Just to clarify myself (I see I jumped the gun a bit when re-reading all posts :-)

Not everyone is encouraging to take the drastic approach of leaving it all up to DH and disengaging, my apologies..no intend to offend. Just got a bit fired up on skids behalf..

And I do stand by what I said, by the way

"It's not about being within your rights, because of course you are within your rights to disengage, it's about doing what's best for everyone involved, and they are NOT the same thing."

Sometimes it IS the best for everyone involved to disengage. Sometimes, it makes matters worse to force yourself upon someone simply because you married one of their parents. In a perfect world, blended families would blend... stepparents would love & treat kids as their own (& I think most mother's do...) as a mom, I want to 'mother' my stepdaughter as if she were my own. The problem is, I raised my daughter differently than her mother has raised her & my efforts to form a relationship or 'mother' her are resented. Is she sacrificing a relationship with me? She didn't ask me to be in her life & she would probably be treating ANY woman my DH married the way she treats me... so, yes it's not personal. But, for three years I have searched for solutions & answers to make things better ~ to have a relationship with her, but it progressively gets worse. I can easily relate to Thurman more & more, which disturbs me as I love children & never thought I could feel that way. It is not a stepparents job to placate children that have issues with their parents... and many children of divorce have issues of varying degree. Personally, I think it is the parent's fault when the child is allowed to behave rudely to an adult or when they are allowed to act entitled. If the parents would teach their children instead of overindulging them out of guilt, the children would be better off. My son tried to have an attitude with my DH in the beginning of our relationship but I made it clear to him that I will not tolerate him being rude or disrespectful. There has to be basic amount of respect... not as a parental figure or stepparent, but as a human being. Too often, children are allowed to treat a stepparent poorly because "they didn't pick them" or "it was forced on them, of course they resent that person" but the parent that makes those kinds of excuses for their child to be rude & disrespectful, thereby approving of it are doing their children an disservice. As much as I disliked my son's stepmom, I did not allow him to talk poorly of her or treat her badly.... and I REALLY didn't like her at all. But, to allow him to be rude or ungrateful when he expected her to buy him things, take him places, be nice to him when he's there... that would be teaching him how to treat people badly. As his mom, it was my job to teach him right from wrong. In my SD's case, I think her mom has played a tremendous role in the disintegration of her daughter's happiness. I continue to do things for her... just things I would do for any other child in the world. I expect her to treat me as she would treat any of her father's friends. In time, maybe things will get better but it is likely only going to happen if BM is out of the picture or SD has had enough of her mom's lies & manipulations. At this point, SD has chosen to follow her mom's example and it has become toxic to everyone, including SD. I can't fix it & my involvement has only made it worse for her. And yes, it does break my heart.

@yabber - I've gone through different stages with the children. When I first met them, I felt so bad about their mother abandoning them and not supporting them, and their father having to raise them by himself. I admit that I came in and thought I could whip everything into shape. Not only did I establish rules and work on their manners, but I also spent lots of money buying things that I thought they had missed out on, redecorating their rooms, etc., etc.. I put in tons of work and when I didn't receive so much as a thank you and was often met with demands of more, I couldn't believe it.

I haven't completely disengaged, but I have slightly and I didn't do so until after year 3. So I've gone a couple of years trying very hard. It was getting to the point where it was affecting the most important relationship (to me), the one I have with their father. I used to be the one that would call them out when they were misbehaving but our therapist told my DF that he needed to do it or else the kids would resent me forever as the "bad guy".

I do have empathy, but I also have empathy for me. I realize I am the adult, but I do have feelings and they are often hurt. I would love for their situation to automatically make those feelings go away, but it doesn't. I can only take so much. 3 years is a long time to be unappreciated, rejected, and unacknowledged, even it is by children.

It's just very hard yabber. It seems like every single time I try, I get bit in the butt. No matter what. Every single time. Not to mention, that their BM causes such a disturbance behind the scenes that we both go to great lengths to hide, it's all a lot to deal with.

I don't think I will ever completely disengage...I will still attend events to help support their father, I will still continue to take them to school for the time being, I will continue to loosely monitor their chores, and I will continue to congratulate when I see good work. But I need to pay more attention to my own feelings.....I think places like this forum will be a great help.

@myfampg - I could have them do jobs to earn money, but I already established weekly chores that both adhere to (somewhat) and their father started (and has since stopped) paying them allowance. Unfortunately, since I am the one here in the mornings, when most of the chores needed to get done, I was the one constantly monitoring, checking off, saying what wasn't done. So I was the one who determined that they didn't get allowance for something and their father was the one that got to be the hero and dole out the money.

If I told them to pay me back the money, they would just go in their drawer and pull out the money. The oldest routinely has at least $200 in cash due to gifts from grandparents. And then I would be the bad guy again, because I made them pay for stuff at the movies and no one else does. But the next time they TELL me I'm going to get them something, I'll try the you gotta work for it...even if am the bad guy again...at least I'll get something done around the house for it!

@imamommy - I definitely think a lot of their behavior is due to failures of both DF and BM. I tend to give DF a pass because he's a man, but even men know that children should have manners.

My DF will correct the kids occasionally, but oftentimes, he's not around when it goes on and even sometimes when he is, he doesn't always understand or pay attention to what's going on. After a year of them saying goodnight to him and not a word to me even when I was in the room, I said something. A YEAR. He said he didn't even notice it. After a while, I get tired of complaining....disengaging to a degree to me seems like protection of my feelings.

@Ima. I respect your opinion and I agree with you. You've tried for a long time, it seems all avenues have been exhausted. I wasn't sure how much OP had already tried, or how long she's been a SM.

@Steplady. I've been in a relationship with FDH for 6 years, and I also went into it thinking I was going to whip everything into shape :-) And I've also had to learn to disengage, it's necessary in order to cope and protect yourself. Of course, if you don't look after no. 1 it's a loose-loose situation for everyone.

I felt more and more angry and resentful over time with my skids, it built up and then one time I got really angry with them. I told them off for treating us like the bad guys, they should know better, how dare they accuse us! rararara.. Not my best moment. Ever since I've tried to deal with my deelings of anger and resentment better, with the ultimate goal to get rid if them and be my happy normal self again.

At first I took a big step back and disengaged, but this did make us less close then we used to be, a sad sacrifice but I felt it was necessary. Not my kid not my problem. Once I learned about Mindfulness I changed my approach again. You can still be compassionate and caring, even when partially disengaging at the same time. It's about having a different mindset, this is where Mindfulness has helped me greatly. Just google that or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Wikipedia has lots of info on it. And I'm not religious btw, but it stems from Buddhism and it's used more and more in Western Psychology. From Wikipedia: "Rather than trying to teach people to better control their thoughts, feelings, sensations, memories and other private events, ACT teaches them to "just notice", accept, and embrace their private events, especially previously unwanted ones...ACT aims to help the individual clarify their personal values and to take action on them, bringing more vitality and meaning to their life in the process, increasing their psychological flexibility

My approach now is to be true to myself. I'm a nice person and I know it. I don't need their approval. I'm not trying to convince them of it. We all need to show each other respect (as is normal, and Steplady's DH needs to address that one I agree!!) but otherwise I don't expect anything from them, as in appreciation or anything like that. It hurts my feelings, still does, but I'm dealing with that within myself. I still feel good when I show them what I'm about, and I'll keep showing them. I refuse to change and become a different person, I am me.

Over time our bond has become closer again I'm happy to say. My SD's know I'm there for them. SD14 has opened up more but SD12 is still completely enmeshed with BM. She doesn't talk to me much, she's polite and that's it. But as long as she can show me the normal respect, I'll keep reaching out to her.

Steplady, I really hope that your DH can step up and sort the respect-issue out, then you guys can build from there.