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Getting Adult Step Children to Move OUT

Posted by cindyroo (My Page) on
Fri, Dec 21, 07 at 9:59

My husband and I have his 21 year old daughter living with us along with her 27 year old loser BF. They moved in around March of 07 and we now found out she is pregnant. They were suppose to just be staying here for a "few months" but now it has been 9 already. My husband said they if she did end up getting pregnant (which we feared)that we would make them move out. Well, now that it has happended my husband and has now informed me he can't give them a time limit and we will see how it goes. This is so ridulous! His daughter has always been disrespectful of him. She talks down to him, has a snotty tone when she speaks to us, lazy and doesn't even work full time. The BF works some side jobs here and there but that's about it. He has been in and out of jail since he was a young teenager and does not have a drivers lisence since he lost it with his many fines. A few of thoese fines are DWI. He also had a "domestic abuse" fine a few years ago. They pay a small amount for rent to us for staying here. Of course, however, every time it is due they have an excuse to not pay it on time. We hear "Well, BF's boss is not answering his phone and so we can't get his check" "Oh, we had this other thing to pay for". They had moved into our home because they could not longer afford to pay rent at the apartment they were staying at. It's funny how this daughter needs to stay with us now when about 4 1/2 years ago we asked her to spend half of her overnights at our house when she was 17 because her mother was going to take my husband to court to seek child support. Up until that point, she had been staying with us half the time but the Mom is good at manipulating her kids and she convinced this daughter that she should just live with her. My husband had sat down with his daughter at that time and told her "Listen, I know you don't like that I got married again and all but you only have to spend half of your overnights here for the next 8 months like you have been doing. If you don't, your Mom is going to take me to court and charge me for child support which you know I can't afford. I want you to remember that Your Mom is the one who divorced me. I never wanted any of this" His daughter didn't care that it was going to cost him 10,000. So, he ended up taking out a loan to pay this lump sum to his ex for child support. It was so ridulous because his daughter was almost 18 and she could have just saved her Dad the money but she chose to stick it to him just like his ex always trys to do. His other daughter at that time was 22 and she wrecked her car. We then find out she had NO insurance on the car. It was declared totaled. Guess who had co-signed for he loan the year before? You guessed it-my husband. So, now he had to go to the bank and pay off the loan. It was just a little over 10,000. Two bills in that amount within 3 months of each other. Neither one of these girls, his daughters, cared that they had caused this financial burden on him. After the fact they acted like "Hey, what's the big deal?" That is always their attitude. Now the current problem with the 21 year old living with us. They are lazy, sloppy and obviously using us. The little bit they pay us to stay here doesn't even cover the cost of gas, water and electric. They don't have cell phones so they get and make all their calls from our home phone. Sometimes that phone is ringing 20 times a day for them and it's driving me nuts. They stay in our basement, which-by the way-is all brand new because my husband and I made a few bedrooms down there and a living, kitchen bathroom and game room. We did ALL the labor our selves. We didn't even get a chance to entertain our friends down there like we had planned because all of a sudden his daughter and BF needed a place to stay. The BF smokes too and we don't allow that in our house so he is constantly in and out the front door to smoke. Now with the whole baby thing......I just don't see any end to this. How the heck do I get them out of here? I can't even say squat to them about anything otherwise they run to my husband and say I am being pushy about this or that. The only thing I have said to them is: "stop leaving the front door unlocked, clean out the frig down there-it's filthy, please get your clothes out of the washer and dryer because other people have to use it, please clean the bathroom down there because its disgusting"
These are not unreasonable things to ask. Do they do them? No, heck no. They try to pretent I don't matter. The 21 year old trys to cause problems with my spouse and I as well. I am just to sick of this. I don't want my marriage to end because of these rude, careless people. What do I do?


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Getting Adult Step Children to Move OUT

Cindy,

What a mess! From your post, it sounds like you are angry with the SD and her loser bf, but I think you are misplacing some of the blame.

I know as a spouse it is always easier to justify the decisions our spouse makes and when things go awry, it is much easier to place blame on others, but my impression is that this situation has happened because your DH has allowed it to happen. He's actually given his blessing for all of this to happen.

For some reason, you either didn't voice an opposition to them moving in with you, or you weren't allowed to voice an opposition to it.

The bottom line is, no one ever owed the 27 year-old loser bf a thing, in particular no one owed him a roof over his head. That wasn't your responsibility or your husband's responsibility.

In fact, it was most likely the worst thing that could have ever happened, and not just because you are going to have a hard time getting him out of your home, but because of the impact this will have on SD's life. This loser will be a part of her life forever because she is going to have his child.

Your DH allowed this 27 year-old character into your home and he allowed him to cohabitate with his daughter. In allowing this, he provided the following messages to his daughter:

1. It is ok to live with a man of bad character and who has a bad record that includes domestic abuse and I will allow you to do this under my own roof.
2. It is ok to get pregnant by a man who has no plan for your combined futures or the future of your baby and you can get pregnant by him under my roof if you wish.
3. While living here, you can be disrespectful to my wife and to me, and you can filthy up the place if you wish, because there will be no repercussions.
4. It is no big deal if the minimal rent we charge you isn't paid on time.

I would recommend that you and your DH go to a marriage counselor and find out why all of this was ever allowed to begin with. If you were allowed no voice in them moving in, I would definitely make that a topic of discussion.

I think that is the first place to start and once you get that resolved, hopefully the counselor can help you in dealing with the messy situation with the loser bf and the pregnant SD.

I wish you the best.

June


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RE: Getting Adult Step Children to Move OUT

My friend was in the same situation as you are now. Her kids were not looking for a job, just sitting around enjoying their easy life. Her husband would not ask them to leave, so she packed up and went to a hotel. They were out in just a few days. good luck to you.


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RE: Getting Adult Step Children to Move OUT

awful story. no umarried BFs or GFs should be living at parents house. I don't know how to kick them out but what if you help them to find an appartment and help to pay a deposit, would they move out?


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RE: Getting Adult Step Children to Move OUT

"no umarried BFs or GFs should be living at parents house."

What?!
I agree that losers like this one shouldn't be living at the parents' house... But saying no unmarried SOs is a bit extreme.
What if the BF treated the daughter like gold, would help out around the house, would pay the rent on time and was generally real stand-up guy - the sort of guy every parent would love to see their daughter with? "Sorry buster, even though you're a delight and you're committed to my daughter, you're out in the cold because you're unwed"
What about if she was married to this loser? Would he be welcome to show up and be a potzer just because there was a ring?
If you personally are quite religious or have some other strong belief about cohabiting before marriage, than it's fine to apply that to your household, but I don't think that it's reasonable to make a blanket statement of "no ring, no roof" for others...

But I think the second bit about finding an apartment could be sound advice. That could work. Nice work there.


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RE: Getting Adult Step Children to Move OUT

Good points CEPH, if SDs BF is going to school, working on getting his life togethor, thats a different story.

But if everyone here thinks "no ring, no roof" is good rule, then should my DD say she wont stay at dads if his GF is there?


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RE: Getting Adult Step Children to Move OUT

As for Cindy's problems...
I don't really know what you should do - I have a few ideas, but since I don't know the people involved, I can't say for sure what will work.

I think the first thing is to determine if you would be OK with them living there if they cleaned up their acts.

If Yes:
- Talk to DH, ask him to set up a tenant agreement with them. This might be a hard battle! Explain that you feel he's being taken advantage of and that the quality of life you and he deserve in your marital home is suffering. Try to put aside that SD can be snotty and that BF is a loser for this. Suggest something like:
- Tell them they both must be employed at LEAST part-time if they want to live there and they must be responsible.
- Establish a laundry schedule (We get it Sun to Tue, You get it Thu-Sat, Wed is up for grabs)
- Ask your DH to be FIRM on rent. He might not want to, but point out that it's already less than if they lived elsewhere, so paying it on time shouldn't be a problem.
- Ask BF to limit his cigarette breaks between the hours of __ and __. If he lived in an apartment, many have a quiet period after 8 pm where you're not supposed to be roaming about the halls or grounds, so that's not unreasonable. Also, smoking is not cheap - if he can afford to smoke, he should be able to afford the rent!
- Try to set up "spaces" for each set of people. They stay out of your space, you stay out of theirs (unless it's a health or fire hazard of course!)
- Split the cost of installing a second phone line in the basement, and then they pay the bill and it's in their name. Or ask them to get a cell phone (if they do pay-as-you-go, they can't rack up a huge bill and expect you to bail them out).
- Ask what their needs and expectations are. Try to reach compromises.

If No:
- Again, number one is talk to DH. Ultimately she's his daughter and he'll take the brunt of this all to heart.
- Depending on your DH and your SD, Jonesy's friend's route could work, or it could backfire miserably and you'd be separating from your DH while your SD settled in for good. You'll have to judge that.
- Finedreams' idea about setting up the deposit could work, or you could just wind up short $500 when they lose the deposit.
- Maybe you could ask them to move out with sort of 'weaning' period? You and DH help them with their rent and so on for three months in their new place while they get on their feet, and then they are on their own on their rent. It seems like hand-holding since they are adults, but if they need money in the future, DH could ask to see pay stubs, bank statements and receipts showing that they 1) are working, 2) spent their money on a necessity, and 3) are genuinely in need of this money for something legitimate. "Dad, I need some money for groceries because we paid the rent and bills, but I needed a new uniform for work this month and it's left me strapped for cash" is valid. "Dad, I need some money for rent because we spent our money on beer and ciggies" is not valid.

These are just ideas... I hope you find your answers soon!
Good luck.


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Holy cow!

Oh my goodness! KK, we just agreed!
Good for us!
(I'm being completely serious - don't misread this as sarcastic or catty - I'm very pleased!)


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RE: Getting Adult Step Children to Move OUT

If BF would treat like her gold he wouldn't miove in her parents' house but rather get his own at age 27. Men who treat women like gold don't put them in a situation like that.

kkny, I mean if your DD wants to bring living in boyfriends to cohabitate in your house at age 21 instead of going to school would you allow her to? I would not like it. She can be with me any time, but some loser BF? No. The the fact that your X is not married, doesn't matter. He lives in his own house, doesn't he? I meant people bringing their BFs live with parents.


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RE: Getting Adult Step Children to Move OUT

I don't think that saying no to having unmarried SO's move in is extreme at all.

And I also don't think you have to be overly religous or terribly old-fashioned to say no to a guy who wants to move-in to your home, play house with the young adult DD or SD and procreate with her under your own roof, without benefit of marriage.

In my way of thinking, allowing this is not too different than telling DD or SD - here you go - have fun and go ahead screw up your life. It's ok.


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Unmarried Knights

Why not? Even a knight-in-shining-armor could wind up in a situation where he'd have to fall back on his GF's parents. I know of one!
There are plant closures going on all over Canada right now. I know several good solid guys who have lost their jobs due to the mill or factory closing.
One of these guys and his GF (not wife) have moved in with her parents for a bit because there is a job shortage in their community. He's a gem of a BF, and they're trying to save up enough money from her job to move to the larger city nearby so that they can both have jobs (but living expenses are higher there). Unfortunately, she only has a part-time position right now, so saving is slow-going.
Did he "put her in a situation like that"? I don't think so. Is he doing the best he can by using short-term means while he looks for a long-term solution? Absolutely.

Some other friends of mine are in the process of building their first home. They have to pay the mortgage on it, but they can't live in it yet, and they're doing a lot of the work themselves to save money, so it's quite slow. They bought it about a year ago (two months before they became engaged, 11 months before they married). They've been living with his parents since they bought their place.
I see no problem with this if everyone involved is OK with the situation.

You didn't say "no unmarried losers" - you said "no unmarried BFs or GFs". I'm simply saying that there are cases when it's perfectly reasonable for an unmarried SO to live with their pseudo-in-laws.


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RE: Getting Adult Step Children to Move OUT

Well, no unmarried guys are moving to live with me and young DD. Unless of course they are enaged to get married with wedding day set and are having some temporary problem. We are not playing house and I am not taking care of anybody's boyfriends at my house. We also preferably are not getting pregnant while unmarried or at least engaged. Not our style. I have no guarantee it would not happen with my DD, it might. But i would be devastated.


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Finally

That's fine for YOUR house, finedreams. It's your home and it's up to you in that home. Just as it's up to others in their homes.
Can we agree that for every family it should depend on a variety of things (your own values, the age of your child, why they are moving in, the personality of the SO, etc)??


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RE: Getting Adult Step Children to Move OUT

OP is upset with the situation and asks for advice. She is not happy with the situation. If she would say she enjoys it, it would be very different. Personality, age, values of mentioned above people were very clearly described in OP's posts. For this particular situation it is unacceptable. Young lady is sloppy, lazy, doesn't work and isn't in school, lives with a loser boyfriend in her parents' house and now is pregnant. Enough said. Give them deposit money, find them apartment, and help them move. But in case she dumps her loser and gets her life on track then of course she can stay with parents.

Under no circumstances should 21 year old girls live with loser boyfriends who are known for domestic abuse and they sure should not be getting pregnant. Pregnancy cannot be fixed, but everything else could be fixed. She needs a wake up call.

ceph, I realize that not everybody has the same values. I have no doubts about that.


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RE: Getting Adult Step Children to Move OUT

Yeesh, pay attention! I agreed that this BF shouldn't be there right off the bat! In this case, it IS unacceptable that the BF is living there - he sounds like bad news.
I'm just pointing out that all unmarried SOs who may need/want to live with the parents are not inherently bad news and they shouldn't all be painted with the same brush.

I would like for us to agree that each situation is different and should be treated as such. But because I'm willing to accept that my opinion is different than yours, I'm willing to offer you a ride to the hardware store so you can stock up on bulk tar and feathers.


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RE: Getting Adult Step Children to Move OUT

of course we can have different opinions, i am just expressing mine. i guess i am overall not much fond of cohabitation at young age especially if people are not well established in their careers, same with unplanned pregnancies...also I am probably older than you and raised a kid who is about the same age as a young lady in OP's post. So my perspectives certainly differ from yours.


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RE: Getting Adult Step Children to Move OUT

Thank you all for giving me advice. The SD does work part time as a hairstylist. She did go to school for it and does not have her license yet. When she first moved in, my DH (her Dad) told her the BF could NOT move in. He told her that before we moved her stuff in and again once she was settled in. When he told her again that day she said "What?? BF can't stay here too??" He said "No, I told you that! He is 27 and has been in and out of jail and I don't trust him in my home!" Well, she was ticked. So, she said, "Well, I'll just leave my stuff here and we will go over to Mom's to sleep at night". So, that is what they did for a month or so. (DH did not make her pay rent right away) So, after a month or so, DH said "Well, your BF can spend the weekends here only" That went on for another month or so and then the BF had to go serve some jail time for some fines he hadn't paid. So, he was gone most of the summer. We only charged her a small amount to stay here while he was gone. Then he got out of jail and my DH said "Well, he can live here too as long as you pay rent". The rent they pay barely covers the cost of the utilities they use a month. It doesn't cover the cost of the phone, cable, wear and tear on my washer and dryer let alone the inconvience of having them be here. My DH does not let me have a voice in any of these things. I am VERY assertive and I do make him aware of my opinion but in the end he just tells me I need to stay out of it. Here is an example of what happened yesterday:
BF left for work (a co-worker picks him up for his job since he has no drivers license) Then SD left for her job. I had a paid day off from work. So, I go downstairs to their "area" and I take a quick look around. In the 9 months that they have been in this house I have only done this 3 times. My DH and I do want to make sure that things are not broken down there or filthy. So, about a month ago I had left them a note to please clean out the frig and clean out the shower-it was disgusting. Well, I looked down there yesterday and not a thing has changed. They totally blew the note off. So, I went and moved all the bottles of shampoo, shavers and etc in the shower to the middle of the shower so they could see how gross it was. There was actually mold growing under everything. That is ridiculous! I have no desire to make them do their dishes or shampoo carpets or whatever-cause I don't want to nit-pic, but some things have to be handled. DH got home from work and we went out to eat. We came back and SD had an envelope on our kitchen counter that said "DAD" So he opens it. She wrote a note that said: Dad, someone was in our bedroom today because the over head fan was off and we always leave it on. Also, someone put all our stuff from our shower in the middle of the shower and I know it's dirty but since we pay rent 'no one' should be snooping in our stuff"
So, DH looks at me. I said "Yeah, I did look in the shower and put the stuff in the middle, I told you it's moldy in there but No, I did NOT look in the bedroom"
So, he goes downstairs and speaks to her. He comes up and I said "So, what is the verdict? What did you say to her?"
He looked at me and said "I don't want to be a referrery between you two". So, he left it at that. He did mumble something about how he would "look at the bathroom in a few days"
God, how lame. I have no voice in this crap. No matter what I do, I'm the "bad guy". If SD thinks I'm not going to inspect that area now and then to make sure nothings broken or disgustingly filthy she's got another thing coming!! Yes, my DH and his Ex are at fault for not raising them they way they should. He Ex always wanted to be her girls BF not a Mother. DH got sick of always fighting with her about how she would let them off the hook when he grounded them for doing something wrong. So, after a while he gave up and didn't punish them at all. He knows he is at fault for not standing up to her and doing the right thing.


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RE: Getting Adult Step Children to Move OUT

Wow, this makes my situation of last year seem like I had the 'houseguest' from heaven!

The ONLY thing that will work is dragging your DH to a marriage counselor and letting him hear from an impartial third party that he is doing his adult DD NO service by allowing her to live in this manner.

I was ready to leave my DH after 10 years of marriage when he allowed (despite my protests!) his DD to move in w/ us. After ~5 mo. that turned into 9 mos. (it was supposed to be 3 months), I was near the breaking point. She wouldn't help cook or clean, yelled at my young sons, waited for me to get back from work to make dinner, didn't pay or offer one cent towards anything - had DH paying her car, ins. cell phone etc, though she worked full time and was socking away big bucks. DH said nothing to her and I ended up w/ an ulcer!

Anyway, despite not being thrilled about dishing out $ for a counselor, I said, "I think what we have had in our marriage is worth saving. I guess I'm not dealing w/ things very well and I think we need help communicating. If you want to save our marriage, meet me Tues. at 1:00 at Dr. _______'s office so we can get back on track."

The dr. made him set time limits w/ his DD and helped us create a dialogue w/ her that would be assertive but not judgemental and offensive. There is NO way I could have gotten her out of my house - or DH on my same page - w/o the Dr's help.

Good luck,
Dana


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RE: Getting Adult Step Children to Move OUT

Thank you for all the advise. My DH will never agree to counseling since he thinks we don't need it. I'm sure the SD would love to know that we needed to see a counselor because of her. I will see what happens. All I'm going to do for now is find irritating things to do in order to get them the hell out of our house!


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RE: Getting Adult Step Children to Move OUT

Even if he won't go to counseling with you, maybe you could go alone. Don't worry what SD thinks if she finds out, this is your life and it's none of her business. I'm sure it's tempting to find irritating things to do, but that's a little passive-aggressive and in the end, may cause problems with your DH. He already feels like he's in the middle. (and he is). But he should be on his wife's side from what you've said. Accepting it because that's how they were raised is a cop out probably from the guilt he feels for raising them that way, but I don't think it's ever too late to make changes. If he wanted, he could enforce the rules and they would listen to him or leave. I know that my kids weren't raised with the kind of rules they should have had, but as they got older, I have implemented stricter rules (partially because of the kind of problems you describe). They resisted at first but with consistency on my part, they do follow the rules for the most part and everyone gets along. When DH has a problem with one of the kids, I hate feeling like I'm in the middle. It really sucks when the kids take you aside and try to get you to relent and your spouse takes you aside and demands you to handle it. When you are used to relenting, it's hard to stand firm, but he really needs to for the sake or your marriage. He's also not doing his kids any favors by letting things go, they are always going to see him as a softy they can take advantage of or manipulate.


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RE: Getting Adult Step Children to Move OUT

So true! Thanks for the advise!


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