My stepmom

15 years ago

I am venting a bit about my stepmom. She has only been my stepmom for a few years. I had another stepmom for most of my life, whom I loved dearly. She passed away when I was in high school. My dad dated different women a while later and eventually met my stepmom. We are only a few years apart in age, but she seems so much older so we have always gotton along well.

The problem is lately I feel as if she is hogging my dad! We live close to eachother and my dad used to stop by all the time when he was out running errands. Then she would call his cell nonstop. After a while the visits stopped. We did start doing dinner at my house once a month with them.

The problem is the holidays. 4th of July last year I wanted to have a party, but she said they were going to her familys. In October I had a birthday party for one of my kids and she was concerned that the date would interfere with a family party on her side. For Thanksgiving she told me in front of my dad that day was not open because they go to her familys each year. I looked at her and said "well maybe I would like to see my dad on some holidays!" She looked shocked.

I did end up having Thanksgiving a day early so they could attend.

Me and my dad have been talking about getting a summer vacation together with all my siblings (some of whom live out of state) and their kids. We have not all gotton together with the kids ever! It has been too hard to schedule. Anyways my dad was so excited about the idea and we were discussing it at our monthly dinner. Then stepmom chimes in with "well it can not be on ____ or ____ or ___ because my family has ____"

IMHO she can see her family any damn time. My family all lives out of state and it is hard to all get together so if she has to miss one of her family functions too bad....right? I mean if they are able to come out during the 4th of July or something then can't she attend our family function and see her family at all the other holidays?

Anyways the following month my stepmom called to say they were not coming to dinner because she had something going on with babysitting for her cousin. So I called my dad and told him he was still welcome to dinner. And he came. She called a zillion times while he was here! I finally looked at him and said "geez...she does not even loosen up the collar...does she?" My DH then joked with my dad about having a curfew.

Well I think my dad got it. My stepmom called me a few days later telling me that they were fighting and my dad was being mean. She then asked me about me and dh's comments and I said "well you did call and awful lot so I was joking around with my dad".

What do you think I should do with stepmom? I want to get along with her, but I also want some holidays with my dad!

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Comments (7)

finedreams
15 years ago
i don't think it was approriate of your DH to make such comments. you guys could gossip when dad was gone, don't need to critisize SM in dad's presence. also i remember the issue with visits. dad has a young child. and i remember in the past he was leaving his child with mom and coming spending weekends wiht you and your stepkids like taking your stepkids running errands. it was probably way more fun for him than sitting home with a baby. i assume those visits stopped because SM didn't like it. i completely understand her.

on the other hand stepmom has to alternate holidays so some holidays are with your dad's family and some wiht hers. she cannot monopolize all holidays. i wonder if she does it because she feels resentful over those times when dad was spending weekends wiht you and your DH's kids, and she was sitting home with his baby. those things probably still are in her heart and probably still hurt. i suggest he talks to her about it.
thermometer
15 years ago
You're blaming stepmom and asking what to do about her as if your dad cannot speak up for himself. He doesn't.
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Wow, that sounds like a pretty intense fight. I agree with you that both your sister and your stepmother said things they shouldn't have said, and when it escalated to physical harm that obviously made it worse. I think it would be a mistake in that case to try and determine who is the party 'at fault', because it sounds like they both were. Technically your sister 'started it' by being the first to escalate it to name calling and being the first to start letting it get physical... but I can also see where your stepmom was being provocative and meddling by asking about the locks with a judgmental tone in the first place... AND she certainly had a choice once the argument began as to how she could respond. She chose to call your sister a whore and scratch her instead of saying: "you know what? I'm going to remove myself from this right now and cool off and maybe we can talk about it more when we both calm down". To be fair, your sister could have said this too, but my point is that they were both party to it and therefore it would be wrong of your stepmom to now act like it was just a wrong that was committed against HER, i.e pressing charges. That's why I agree with your Dad that pressing charges was not the appropriate way to deal with the situation. Sounds like extra stress & uncertainty in your sister's life has been making her extra touchy (on top of pregnancy hormones) and I guess for your stepmom's part she may be extra worried about every dollar because of the combination of being financially dependent on your Dad and having a secret gambling problem. Neither can really be feeling all that good about her own choices and her own inability to get by independently. Both of them are in financially and emotionally unstable situations, and it sounds like to some extent they each blame the other for their problems, or at least partly. Each probably thinks the other is a selfish, weak-willed hypocrite. It's probably easier for each of them to lash out at each other than to feel the fear each of them probably does about what's going to happen and if they will each be okay or if the circumstances they each put themselves in will spin out of their control. Hopefully, everyone can sit down and talk and try to acknowledge/understand everyone else's stress and worries, or at least 'agree to disagree' as to how each should be conducting their lives according to the other. It's your stepmother's right to back out of dealing with your sister if she can't handle it (and vice-versa), but she wouldn't have the right to dictate how your Dad should conduct his own relationship with his daughter. Let's hope it doesn't come to that.
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I would not worry about it. He's not really going insane, just seems to be seriously pouting that he did not receive more and is not in control over what his father did nor what his stepmother plans to do. Sounds like Grandpa figured up son had gotten through the years all son was going to get. Wise of Grandpa to have a will and clearly laid out the divisions. I'm not one to believe our parents 'owe' us as their children to leave us all their assests and life savings. Sure, they can't take the money with them but what they actually do with it is their decision. Sometimes this does cause remaining heirs to become resentful and angry....'I should get this/that', 'why did so and so even get included', 'whine whine, blah blah'...but bottom line is it is the deceased person's last will and testiment and the deceased gets to do however he pleases. Grandpa could have left every spare nickle not going to Grandma to charity and/or desired a match to be put to a big pile. I think a lot of times parents 'help' their children all their children's adult lifes and come 'settlement' time the parent has decided that kiddo has received all their share already. It's a personal decision and Grandpa made it. To whine to you that Grandpa and now Grandma chooses to give others some is not 'crazy' in his line of thinking...but it is unrealistic of him to think he has a right to complain or that he should be entitled to the money. I'd refuse to discuss it with him. Afterall Grandma is still very much alive and of course you hope Grandma has many more years to live and you intend to enjoy and treasure the years you have left with the woman... even if Grandma announced today YOU either will not receive a dime in the end. He can pout all he wants. In the end Grandma might decide to leave all that's left to a charity for animals....what's he going to do then? Call up the charity and demand they give him a chunk? I have a hunch Grandma desires to leave some to you grandkids because your father has indeed been helped all his life, will blow it and she feels the money is better 'spent' now helping the next generation get off to a better start. I would not dwell on it, plan on it nor agrue about it. Grandma is a grown up, she gets to do as she pleases (unless their were strict guidelines in Grandpa's will that become effective on Grandma's death).
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Finedreams, I agree that at some point, as adults the children do see things for what they are and if they can move on and accept the parents for who they are and that is what I did. I chose to not have a close relationship with my mom because of the behaviors she chose. Regardless of whether she has mental illness or she's just too wrapped up in her own life or pain to see or care how it affects her children, isn't my concern anymore. She's had 25 years to get counseling, or whatever help there might be. Several of us have offered to pay for whatever help she needs. She refused. She therefore chooses to do these things and doesn't care who it hurts. I'm not here to debate why she does what she does. I'm not here to blame her and vent out my anger at her, I'm well past that and have accepted who she is and that she will probably never change. The reason I share these things, is there are some parents out there, that are currently saying to their children, things my mother said to me. There are currently some parents that have the same bitter and angry attitude that my mom has. There are parents that 'justify' the things they do or say to their children, that place the children in the middle or make them choose, that think they are doing what's in their child's best interests. They think the child has a right to hear bad things about the other parent if they are true. And I'm saying that just because a child doesn't stand up and tell you that what you are saying to them or the things you are doing to them or just because they go along with you, it doesn't mean they are not being torn apart inside and hurting from the things being done. They will grow up and in time, they will decide who they are going to have a closer relationship with. They may choose the parent that poison's them against the other parent. They may choose the other parent. It all depends on the child. But, I'm just telling parents that have minor children now, that what you do today, may come back to bite you in the ass in ten or twenty years. Because children should NEVER have to choose. They should never have to decide and if they do choose one over the other, then it is going to be the child that loses. My mom put me in a position to choose and she has never let up. If she had never made me feel I have to choose, I'd probably have a good relationship with both of my parents. Now, I'm the one that doesn't have a good relationship with my mom. My kids don't have a good relationship with their grandmother. Those of you that are putting your kids in the middle or having them choose, it doesn't matter to me if you think they have the right to know the real reason for the divorce, even if it makes their dad look bad because the deserve to know the 'truth'. or if they 'decided on their own' to not see their dad or you want to blame TOW, SM,GF or anyone else. I don't care. You don't have to convince anyone of anything, least of all me. Who care's??? I certainly don't. I feel for the children that go through it because I know how hard it was for me. The end result will reveal the truth anyways. The children that are living in your situation today and will someday grow up and decide if you did the right thing or if they blame you for it, that will be the 'truth'. (and two children from the same situation may draw different conclusions, like I said, it's really up to each child,individually.) This is just a forum of a bunch of strangers. None of us will likely be here (talking on a forum) when your kids are grown and in their 30's. You will have to live with the end result or your actions of what you do today. You can deny or justify all you want now, but you will live with the results for the rest of your life. All I am giving is my perspective as a child of divorce. My mom was bitter and angry about being divorced. She has never gotten over it and while she has tried to poison her children's relationships to our dad, it has backfired and poisoned our relationship with her. That's just my story. I'm not saying all children of divorce feel the same way. Every kid is different. But, don't kid yourself if you think your kid is going to feel what you want them to feel. You can't control that. My story is not unique. I don't know if I'd say it is 'common', but it certainly is not uncommon for the wife to become bitter when the husband divorces her. I don't even think it's uncommon for a wife to become bitter, even when she divorces him. If she thought he would beg her to come back and he doesn't, but moves on and marries someone else, she might resent that too. I'm sure guys get bitter too, I had a lot of first dates with that type. No second dates. But, since this forum is mostly women, I relate it more to women than men.
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believer
15 years ago
I can understand having a dad that doesn't stand up to his wife. My father was that way. My mother ran the show or else. My brother allows the same thing from my SIL.

I don't think a little teasing form you DH is harmful with you dad. If he wants to go home and repeat it all to his wife then so be it.

I would sit them both down and be completely honest....Tell dad and SM that you love your father and want to see him more. Tell them that you don't want to cause trouble between them and you don't understand why having more time with THEM (don't just single out dad) would do that. If feelings have been hurt in the past you are sorry for that and would dearly love for things to be better.......I believe that if you approach it with your heart on your sleeve and in the spirit of true, honest love for your dad then you should have no regrets about saying it and then figure that you have done your best.

My DH and SD are flying to Ca. this weekend for his sister's 60th birthday. I would not dream of telling him that he couldn't see his family. I don't want to go but I won't make him feel like he can't. I refuse to live with the regrets of standing in the way of his relationships with his family. If he was going there 5 or 6 times a year I would feel differently but twice, for us, is what we can afford and he has my blessing. His father has passed. His mother is 83. He needs to go.
bnicebkind
15 years ago
It sounds as though you and his wife are in some sort of competition for his time and affection. I imagine there are other issues going on. Perhaps she feels insecure - as though he would rather spend time with you and your husband, instead of her. You say that you are close in age, but get along well because she seems so much older. (seems older, or "looks" older)? My guess is that she does not want to share him so much with you. That she feels threatened, somehow. Do you have female friends that are around that make her feel threatened somehow...could that be why she calls constantly?

It sounds as though it would be a relief for her to find a counselor to talk her through what is bothering her, and what is making her feel the way she is feeling. It would be awful to struggle so internally with whatever it is with this situation that is creating the anxiety. If she can come to peace with whatever it is, I imagine all will be smoother for everyone...especially her.
kkny
15 years ago
I think the important thing is for you to be there for your dad. That was so kind of you to move your Thanksgiving. Keep inviting him, make certain you can contact him without her interference. She seems awful controlling and insecure. Make the most of your time alone with him, try to schedule a lunch now and then.

As to the vacation -- ask him when he is alone -- if the family cant schedule it so she wouldnt miss her family's stuff would he come alone.
mom2emall
Original Author
15 years ago
FD: My dad did not spend weekends at my home, it was just stopping by during the day or evening. And I understood that my stepmom wanted him home more, but I did not feel that his stopping by should stop altogether!

Thermometer: I do think my dad should speak up more. But the problem is my stepmom controlling his time. If she was not so insecure she would not feel the need to control his time so much.

Bnicebkind: My stepmom looks much older than our age. And most of the time she acts much older.

KKNY: I am able to contact him on his cell without her interference. I just wish that I could see him more and have him around on more holidays.

I did call him today to make Christmas plans and asked if they would like to come over for lunch on Christmas Day. I figured that would give them the evening free to do dinner with her family. He said it sounded good and he needed to talk to her.....so we will see what happens.
mom2emall
Original Author
15 years ago
Oh, and if anyone is wondering why we do not go there to visit there are a few reasons.

First they have a ridiculous amount of pets and it drives my allergies and my ss's allergies absolutely crazy! My sm is not much of a housekeeper and their home is very cluttered and dusty and their home is very small and there is nothing for my kids to do there. So we have always used the pet excuse for them to just come here (didn't want to be insulting about the housekeeping issues). And before my sm my dad always kept the home tidy, so that is why I am saying my sm is not much of a housekeeper.

My stepmom

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finedreams

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My stepmom

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finedreams

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