16 yo SD is destroying my marriage

14 years ago

I knew taking on four stepkids would be a challenge, however, I love my wife, and thought I could handle it. I get along fine with the oldest (20 yo SS living at school), the youngest is a joy (10 yo SD), and the 19 yo SS has already moved out to be with friends.

However, the 16 yo SD is killing my marriage, if she hasn't already. In a nutshell:

She lies perpetually (to both of us);

She steals from her own family, and is selfish beyond reason;

She is obssessed with piercings (not a problem for me);

She is a destructive slob beyond words, and has no respect for anything she's given, or where she lives (which is *my* house, in which I've invested A LOT of time and money -- BIG problem for me);

And the worst: she is disrespectful to me with a mouth that would raise a convict's eyebrows.

To put things in perspective, she has her own room (torn apart), her own computer (provided by, and since taken away by me), her own satellite tv (provided by, and since unplugged by me); unlimited chauffering privileges (which she abuses with calls late at night), all the privacy and freedom she wants. She wants for very little.

Now the problem: Her mother (BM) defends her incessently. If I say anything to her, her mom is right there to interject, and these times have turned into serious shouting-fests. I've been rendered impotent as far as discipline (and I'm the only one that even makes the attempt to discipline anyone -- the BD lives hours away, is a child himself, and has kicked his own kids to the curb).

In the five years we've been married, the SD has not raised a finger ONCE for anyone but herself (in fact just the opposite -- her mother even attempted to PAY her to clean up after herself, and do a chore or two, which the SD abandoned within a couple of days). I've been the source of all funding for all her b-day and Christmas gifts, I've "underwritten" their doctor bills, and other expenses, and never once refused help of any kind when asked.

However, I can't deal with the tension in the house any longer, and I'm on the verge of ending my marriage as a result. I love my wife very much, and other than this horrific child, we get along extremely well. However, this is killing me. I can't take it any longer...

Does *anyone* have any advice on weathering this storm at all...

Comments (12)

catlettuce
14 years ago
SD,
The only advice I can offer is to not even try to discipline your Skids, leave it all to their mother. I've had 10 years of this, my step kids are now adults. And stop paying for their lifestyle, driving them places when you are not appreciated.

My DH has NEVER, not once made them treat me with any respect My DH is the same way. His children are perfect, always. No matter the drama, crappy life decisions, how badly I am treated, etc. It's too much to go into but you can search my username and get an idea.

Bottom line is if your spouse doesn't care how they treat you or if they respect you as a human being at all, then they won't. Ever.

As soon as the holidays are over I will begin extricating myself from ten years of hell. To me, if your not in it together %100 the kids can & will tear you apart. Honestly I don't blame the kids, I blame my DH for never ever putting me 1st and myself for staying and hoping for unrealistic changes.

I guess it's up to you if it's worth it to stay, I doubt it will change now. But you can hope & wish away another 5 yr.s of your life like I did. (I don't recommend that).

I'm very sorry. I know how you feel.

~Cat
stepmomof4
14 years ago
I have four step kids too. Teen aged girls are horrible creatures. I have a 13 yr old that has changed before our eyes into a really self absorbed jerk. Her little sister, SD10 is a doll, like yours.

BUT the truth is if you survive the next couple of years, the next daughter will be very likely the same story, especially if she has already seen her big sis get the royal treatment.

If I were you, wait until a few more people post on here, then sit your wife down and have her read it. It may help for her to hear what I assume mostly women, will have to say about this.

Meanwhile, don't do anything for SD16 that isn't required by law and treat her with as much respect as you can muster.
DW is wrong and should work with you to parent these kids (though you are in the background). You are partners in all things. The kids are only temporary residents in your life together. Counseling is another option, for any and all of the folks involved.

I feel for you too.
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15 YR Old SD is getting on my nerves...
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"My children and I have open communication between us whereas she's never had that with her own mother so it's hard for her to just talk." This is only a valid comment if your children are OLDER than your SD. If you haven't raised a teenager, you can't predict what YOUR kids will be like when they get to her age. (and all teenagers are different) How do you know what she had with her own mother? Has she told you or are you guessing? Lots of teens find it hard to be open or talk to their parents even though they once had a close relationship with the parent(s). One thing is for sure, she is a product of her parents and it sorely irritates me when one parent, for lack of a better term, 'fails' to do a proper job of raising a child and when the child becomes unmanageable, they ship them off to the other parent. It's bad enough when both parents are involved ongoing but when they do it after years of keeping the other parent away or even if the other parent stayed away... you don't screw it up, throw your hands up and send the kid off to go live with virtual strangers! I'd suggest counseling ASAP for this girl but unless she wants to have a good relationship with her dad (and you), it probably won't do a whole lot of good. She has to want to benefit from it and probably at this point, all she can see is 'happily ever after' with her BF. "mother has not called anymore to check on her or anything. It's like she's happy to be rid of her." again, I cannot reiterate how pissed this makes me because the bottom line is her mom created this problem. If she kept dad away and f*cked up as a single parent, then how does she have the audacity to a) use dad as a punishment. b) throw the kid away and wash her hands of it. c) dump HER problems on you (and dad after preventing him from seeing her all those years). Of course, coming from a background where a mom would do that, it doesn't surprise me that a teenage girl would only think about how BF is going to rescue her and he'll be her family and they'll life happily ever after. That's a normal teen girl fantasy but when you have no real family in your life.. it becomes more important. At this point, how you and your family treat her (embrace her or just tolerate her) will factor in to her feelings of whether she HAS a family or not. If she feels like an outsider in your home and she feels abandoned or tossed aside by her mom (which seems true from your post), then she will latch on to something else. Lots of teen girls that long for acceptance or family, will have a baby or focus on a BF (or both) to achieve what they think what they want. It doesn't usually end up what they hope for *family*, it usually ends up with them being a single teen parent or feeling used by a BF and once again, tossed aside when he moves on... because most teenage boys are not thinking 'happily ever after'. As for you stepping into any role... let DAD be primary parent. If he is gone a lot, pick a time when he is home and he should sit down with SD15 to discuss what HIS expectations are and rules/consequences. Let HIM lay down the law and you might have to be the deputy that enforces it when dad is gone, but I would suggest trying not to make the rules too strict because you are not going to change SD from who she is.. but you need boundaries to maintain order in your house. Her dad needs to tell her that she is an example to the younger kids and as long as she lives there, she has to set a good example. My first thought was dad should have told mom no, SD can't come live there but then if he was kept away for so long and BM is 'throwing out' SD, then he really didn't have much choice, it's his daughter. But, if she is going to be there, she does need to realize that there are boundaries. The tough thing is if she refuses to abide by boundaries, sending her back to mom is not an option and neither is sending her to BF's family. But, like others have mentioned here, the behavior you've described here is not unusual for a teenager. I have a great relationship with my daughter (18) but she has her moments/days where I wanna scream! Refrain from comparing her to your kids because no two of your kids will be exactly the same as teens and your SD didn't have the home life your SD has. As the adult, you have to try to be more accepting and understanding of her feelings while trying to get her to understand how you feel as well. Good luck.
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I know how you feel except I married a man with three kids two 8 years old and one 11 year old daughter from the moment we were married she was needy and all attention from her daddy was hers so much that her brothers were afraid to hold hands with their dad because she controlled him, had a emotional hold. My husband was married to me not his daughter. At the time I didn’t understand it was hard for her share her dad but she came between us and sometimes I wonder if that’s what happened with his first wife expect I don’t allow it to ruin our relationship. I thought she was telling the truth for along time. 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Our love became stronger and My step daughter sought for attention else where by a guy she became involved with in sex texting and they since he has broken up with her twice and is trying again because I finally gave consent for her to date because she sneaking behind our backs and lying and I knew it was matter of time that she would be pregnant because she was desperate to be with him. He’s not a guy I like but I don’t like secrets and my step daughter also tells our bishop I fight with her and I do not. I used to slap her but I stopped doing that when she called the police over in hope her dad would divorce me and she would have his attention again yes I know one believes me because she’s that good at manipulating people in believing she does nothing but I since learned manipulaters know how to push your buttons to send you over edge. 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His ex was so depressed and ocd and mentally ill he took care of his has much as he could but in since he was like a single father with three kids and his wife he had taken care of. So when I came into the picture and started changing things my step daughter didn’t want us together anymore and in her mind she believed her daddy can do better or that she liked that her daddy only raise them. If Jesse and I didn’t get married he would’ve lost full custody of his kids and it would’ve destroyed him. Jesse was abused emotionally by his ex and there was definitely manipulation going on ether his ex or his daughter. His boys started learning to lie and steal from their sister and it’s been difficult to break so now everyone my step daughter talks to believes I abuse her and control her and don’t give her privacy but she gets plenty of it and so my husband knows I don’t hurt them. 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Kids get mad at their parents all the time, especially teen age kids. The timing of the sudden change coupled with the blow-up between the mother and you likely are associated. Did the blow-up pertain to the kids (them getting jobs, cars, money...that type of thing)? After all these years, why did mom and you find yourselves on different wave lengths? I'd think, even if the blow-up had nothing to do with kids, it'd be hard for the daughter to be stuck between two women in her life that are suddenly not speaking. Dad went off last night when daughter called, did the two have a chance to talk things over? What does stepson intend to do now that he's out of high school? College in the fall? My kids did not get a choice to turn 18 and do nothing...has dad and mom been preparing son for what comes after HS? As to the car, does the son have means to go job hunting and get to and from work he might find without a vehicle? Can an agreement be worked out to fix the car so he can job hunt if needed ? Guess I really have no advise from what little has been posted in OP. There has to be a reason for a sudden rebellion, at least from the kids viewpoint. Is it possible things have not really been as fair and equal as you believe they have been?
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sdatwitsend
Original Author
14 years ago
Cat, you actually hit a number of hot-buttons.
One of the problems is I never did come 1st... or even 2nd... or 3rd... or 4th... She's been a 95% mom, and 5% wife.

You're also right in that my wife hasn't spoken up, or offered any support when the SD becomes disrespectful, and opens her mouth. I also seem to be the cause of any issues any of them have, from disrespect, to gutter language, to moral deficit problems, to lack of ambition...

I don't intend to wish away another 5 years... I believe it's come to a head, and perhaps time to confront realities...

Thanks.
catlettuce
14 years ago
"The kids are only temporary residents in your life together"

Not always the case. There are lots of other people dealing with boomerang kids, adult kids that are having troubles and are moving back home. Granted my situation is extreme, however it's happening more and more. If OP is having these kinds of troubles now, just wait til one of these gals turns up PG on the doorstep! If his wife doesn't even expect him to be treated with the respect due any human being-whats the point?

Counseling ,yes. Even if you go alone. I also started attending CODA. Rough at first, I just had a hard time adjusting to how the groups are run but it has helped me immensely to regain some control of myself.

I really wish I could be more positive to you SD but your situation sounds a lot like how mine started out and I stayed too long and put up with far to much disrespect esp from DH. No one ever put me first or even 2nd.

Now I have a big hairy mess to get out of. I tried everything & more to make it work and got nothing but crapped upon by them all. I wish I had thought more of myself.

there are some really good/positive outcomes here and I'm sure others can give you a rosier outlook than I can.

~Cat
weed30 St. Louis
14 years ago
If my spouse allowed any child, theirs, mine our ours, to do even half of what you describe, I'd be gone. What was your wife's reaction when you took away the computer and satellite?

Maybe that doesn't matter. It doesn't sound like anything has changed in 5 years. Is there any hint that something will change in the next 5? 10? 20? If not, I think you have your answer.
sdatwitsend
Original Author
14 years ago
My thanks to everyone that posted a followup.

To answer your question, weed30, my wife demanded --for hours-- that I turn her daughter's t.v. back on. I explained that I have only two forms of discipline available to me: the internet, and TV. And the SD went over the line, and lost both. My wife insisted that her daughter lives here too, and why should *I* have TV, when her daughter can't, since I was yelling at her, as well.

I don't believe she understands the separate authoratative levels that parents and their kids inhabit. I agree that parents need to show patience and restraint... however, how long do you allow the same transgressions over and over, after five years, until you're simply VERY pissed off at being absolutely ignored about the simplest rules? This is not rocket science.

And, when you repeat these things over and over, and you're treated with contempt as a result, what is your recourse?

So, my wife's reaction was and continues to be, to demand that I turn the TV back on. She even tried to tear out another satellite box in our bedroom, to supply it to her daughter.

I believe that you're all correct -- that this SD will boomerang. And, I don't think I'm prepared at all for that.

My wife wonders why I can't treat her kids like my own... and she doesn't recognize that I'm not afforded any input into their lives.

Thanks again for the responses... and for the record, no, I don't believe, any longer, that things will change in 10 or 20 years.
weed30 St. Louis
14 years ago
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. -- Albert Einstein

Options:

1. Counseling.
2. Cut your losses.

(Note: #1 may work, or may lead to #2.)

Counseling should start with individual, and progress to include your wife, and ideally your SD. Do your research and find a GOOD marriage/family counselor. Be open to your contributions to the dysfunction....nobody is perfect. Be flexible and expect to compromise on some issues, ie: messy/trashed room. That is very common with teenage girls! Other issues, like stealing and blatant disrespect should not be tolerated.
catlettuce
14 years ago
Sd I feel so bad for you. I could have written your post 8 yr.s ago. I came into the marriage with a teen also and DH was always such a hard*ss with him and very cold, would only grunt or have minimal interaction with him when DS so obviously craved some attention from him. It was really awful. But his kids were & are always perfect, got everything, no matter what!

And his kids are nice kids. But the middle one is now unwilling to live within his means, has been through mutliple girls, bankruptcy, had a child he cannot afford, and continues to bleed my DH for every cent he can. Yet he is perfect. god forbid I suggest perhaps DH stop footing the bill for whatever he wants. This week it was new carpeting in our house that he basically ran me out of our house. DH lies to me or doesn't tell me things, hides things from me.

I read your posts and think why did I keep hoping for this long that something would change? I thought (at the time of marriage) it was going to be a few bumpy years til we got them through school/college then they would be off on their own & DH & I could enjoy life. And for all of them except this one that's true. But DH will not stop bailing SS out of each and every poor decision, want & whim that comes along. Nothing is ever his fault. It just never ends and when I got sick of being a being a built in babysitter or only being asked through my Dh if my cabin up north was available for their use I stopped being available for those things and guess what? I haven't heard from any of them in over 6 months.

It has just really hammered home to me what I mean to this "family", which is not much. DH loves the hell outta me, unless of course I complain about any of the above. Learning to detach from it all has helped me get through day to day, but it will never change and I suspect your wife will be loathe to change also. But I could be wrong.

And the kids, well they have no incentive to grow up and run their own lives do they?

I feel really bad for you, perhaps if you can get your DW to some intense marraige counseling that specializes in blended families your marriage can be saved? It's worth a shot before calling it quits I suppose.

~Cat
catlettuce
14 years ago
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. -- Albert Einstein "

When I find myself getting sucked back in, I tell myself this over & over again!

Good post Weed.

~Cat
justmetoo
14 years ago
Wow. A SD living in your house that is a destructive slob (room 'torn apart' I will assume to be more than normal teenage slob messy as destructive was the word used) constant lies and stealing and a wife who totally defends and supports (enables) the actions and who believes rules/discipline for stepdad should be equal to that of the obxious destructive, stealing, lying daughter.

I'm usually all for marriage counseling in most cases but if it were me in this situation I would put wife and daughter out, file seperation and than heal thyself with some counseling for myself, than think about joint counseling if I thought I still wanted to try it and then see where it all stands and to if I thought there was a chance of ever getting back together.

There is no hope for the daughter until the mother takes actions on her own (if even then as the lesson she has taught daughter are now well installed), which in this case mom has made it clear that that is not going to happen.

Time to take care of yourself.
imamommy
14 years ago
When my DH and I got together, my son was 15 and took a rebellious attitude toward my husband. He would do whatever my husband DIDN'T want.. just cuz.

The key here is your wife. She is allowing HER daughter to destroy HER marriage. If she wants to be 95% mom, 5% wife... I would not accept that from Day 1. Was she that way BEFORE you married her? Does she want to stay married to you? That is her decision to make... it's not just your decision to leave. Her actions will tell you what HER decision is when you tell her that if things don't change, you can't stay in it.

While there are times I think my husband is a bit hard on my son, there is NO WAY on this earth I would let my son KNOW that. (My son is now almost 20 and still living here) I back my husband whether I agree with him or not... in front of my son. If I disagree, we talk behind closed doors when the kids are NOT home and cannot overhear us. (or in the car is good too) As a mom, and being a single mom for a long time, we are protective of our kids and we sometimes get used to being the only one that makes rules, etc. and it's hard to change to someone's new rules, especially 16 years into life. Your wife has been kissing her DD's rump for 16 years... maybe out of guilt for the divorce and if dad is not very involved or she thinks that's what she needs to do to get her daughter to love her. But her daughter won't respect her and she is not doing her daughter any favors because as she gets to an age where she wants to date or have a relationship, the daughter won't know how to have a healthy one. How can she when she saw her parents divorce, her mom overindulges her and disrespects her stepdad... and dad is not around much? Where is her example and what is her mother teaching her? If I were you, I'd get out. That may be a wake up call to your wife and if it isn't, then it may save YOUR sanity. Good luck.
sdatwitsend
Original Author
14 years ago
imamommy, you hit this nail on the head:

"While there are times I think my husband is a bit hard on my son, there is NO WAY on this earth I would let my son KNOW that. (My son is now almost 20 and still living here) I back my husband whether I agree with him or not... in front of my son. If I disagree, we talk behind closed doors when the kids are NOT home and cannot overhear us."

I've brought this up repeatedly, and she doesn't get the concept at all... I know this reinforces the SD's behavior (as well as the rest of them, for that matter). It's almost as if she goes out of her way for the kids to hear and see her interject.

However, what you've all pointed out, that for whatever reason I hadn't considered, were the potential problems down the road... Big consideration for me...

Thanks again.

16 yo SD is destroying my marriage

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