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Our marriage is failing

Posted by anniegray (My Page) on
Fri, Dec 28, 12 at 8:50

Dear all, I seemed to have ran into a dead end in my problem. Divorce discussion had already been arranged, and I have placed my firmed decision that only if I see some changes and effort from the other side, I will reconsider. My case may be a long, complicated one.

I am 23, I married my husband, 38, a widower, when I was 22. My husband is of a different race and religion. My parents initially refused to give their blessings for our marriage, I was determine, then in love with my husband, I was willing to convert my religion (to my parents dismay) and in my country there is no way you can convert back one you became a Muslim. Not legally at least. My parents were terrible upset yes, but they eventually gave their blessing and welcomed my husband (a great great actor I must say)

My husband has a 16 year old daughter, then 15, who seemed to be OK with the father's plan of getting married. After my husband's late wife passed-away, he found evidence that she was cheating on him, thus, he was angry and bitter for quite some time. He dated several, and about 15 months later, he met me and not long after that he proposed. Before we got married and moved in, the daughter seemed alright.

Before we got married, my husband still lived in the house that belonged to the late wife, with her things untouched in the entire house. You name it, clothes, makeup; everything was in its place as if she never died. Her photo was still at the bedside table, and my husband still wore his wedding ring.

I told my husband firmly that before I moved in, all of her things should be thrown away. And at that time, my husband mentioned that all of her things had been given to the daughter in the late wife's will. She was a resourceful women, she left behind properties and lots of money for the daughter. She passed down branded clothing�s (but the daughter is 3 times the mothers size) and handbags. I later on demanded that our room was to be free from all of her possessions and if he didn�t do it, I will, and I won�t care if I threw it out or not.

Believe it or not, even after I moved in, it was there as if nothing happened. I also told my husband that he had to change the mattress we were sleeping on because apparently, countless of people had been sleeping on that. After we got married, nothing was changed. My clothes were in suitcases on the floor and books in boxes.

Eventually one day, the maid and I started clearing up things. (This maid is the same maid who had worked for my husband for 14 years. She had also confirmed the same story about the wife's adultery to me one find day without me asking). I donated some old clothes that won't benefit his daughter in any way, and kept the few that she could use. I cleared up toys, makeup, shoes and you couldn�t believe how many were there. I was very bitter and upset that my husband didn't do it before I moved in. I was even bitterer that I, the new wife, had to do it instead! One day, he called the daughter to help us with the mother clothes. She started crying when she saw it and all worked stopped. The father and I then decided to do the work when she wasn't at home. (She goes to boarding school and only comes home on weekends)It started from here that our relationship soured. Eventually, months through our marriage, most possessions were gone, but our room is still laden with her belongings. My husband has helpfully forgotten what belongs to her and not.

When I had an argument with my husband, my husband explained that he didn't want to find anymore secrets of her passed that made him feel even more about his 14 years marriage to her being a lie. Little had he realized that I had received the full blown consequences of clearing up the late wife's possessions, something that he was supposed to go through with his daughter. The mattress was then changed after we return from honeymoon, and yes, we slept on it the few days after our marriage.

Now, my husband works as a pilot. He is well then enough to provide for his family. You can imagine that being the only daughter, she is spoiled. But mind you, I have never seen anyone so spoilt that she literally cannot do anything for herself. She doesn't know how to bring her plate to the sink, place her dirty clothes in the laundry, pick up the tissues flying all over the place after she blew her nose in it, wash her own menstrual dirty panties etc. She slams her doors (Her room doors are the only ones that seem to spoil all the time), hardly switches of the lights, watch tv and play loud music on her laptop at the same time, eats food on the table enough for 3 without even thinking if her own father has eaten. She demands to do manicures and pedicures (Muslims can only do them when they are having their menses), demands to go to concerts and throw a tantrum when she is not allowed to go out as she pleases. She doesn�t as or permission, she simply INFORMS. Even to her own father.

Now I was brought up a simple life. My parents thought me how to be contented, and though I didn't always have what I wanted, I learned to appreciate what I had and what people present me. I also had chores since young, was grounded or not given allowance if I didn't behave well. When I graduated from college and started work at 21, I rewarded myself with what I could finally afford. I worked part time in school and college to learn how hard it was to earn money for myself.

So when I was exposed to a house who relied solely on the maid (who neither listens not respect my position as the wife now) I was shocked to see such people exist. My husband had mentioned for me to teach his daughter some independence, but it looks like he didn't like the method used. There was no such thing as punishments, no grounding, or withholding allowances. Whatever it is, there is definitely no room for saying 'NO' to her. It further worsens when she was told to put the dishes at the sink, clothes in the laundry and etc. Worst when she wasn�t allowed to attend concerts with her friends. She had apparently been spoiled by her mother (anything she wanted apparently just to keep her mother�s then secret - as mentioned by the maid) and her father was usually busy with work. I gave her presents, of course, not expensive and terrible branded how I could afford. They were never appreciated and barely used.

Later on, just about 6 months after we got married, I had a terribly big fight with my husband. I was blamed for being too hard and unfair to her. I was blamed for not TRYING hard enough. From then on it changed. I shut up about everything. If there was something, it was done through my husband. I was not allowed to point out her mistake or teach her anything. She was to do as she pleases, eat whatever she wants and get whatever she wanted. Of course, it was bitter and painful to have someone so blind to just let his child further be spoiled to oblivion, but there was nothing I could do or say about it. I just pray once she hits 18-21 she doesn�t cause worst problems for her father.

Around the same time she had an argument with her father (on the phone message) which he showed me. She wanted to go to a concert and her father had said no. Doing so, she demanded that her father 'made up his own mind and not listen to Annie'. (yes, she calls me by name.) She mentioned that she didn't need my opinion or anyone else for that matter, she only needed his, her BIOLOGICAL father as said. She also mentioned that she didn�t need a mother because I was too young; she didn't need me to be sisterly to her either. She said she saw no motherly figure in me, because she doesn�t see me tuck her into bed, cook or clean at home. This is obviously teenage rage because I cooked and I obviously wash my own undergarments at home but definitely the maid does all the major cleaning. I barely see how a teenage girl needs tucking into bed when she locks herself in the room and boom loud music till midnight.

Later on, when I stopped teaching her chores and sensibility as a woman, her father started blaming me of being uncaring. Whenever my husband goes to work on weekends and the daughter is due to come home, she doesn�t inform me of her change of plans. Sometimes the maid and I wait for her to come back and she ends up appearing in the aunt�s place or such. When I am unaware of these changes, my husband and I get into a fight because he thinks I don�t care. He don�t accept how the daughter doesn�t bother to inform me (sometimes the maid knows better than we do) or even her own father. We countlessly have this fights, throughout my marriage, I had nearly walked out of that house twice.

There were times when her father scolds her for being messy and really lazy - he seemed to have changed a little. I didn't have to ask anymore. But the daughter knows that it was I who made this changes and she constantly thinks it is me who initiated the father to scold her. Moreover, even after a long lecture, she just seemed to repeat the same mistake 5 minutes later! I sometimes think she is just too thick...

There were several times my parents came over to the house. And one breakfast, she came down to see my parents at the dining table. She immediately went up and didn't want to eat breakfast there. The maid then later sent food upstairs to her. This happened several times where she didn't want to eat when she saw my parents there. Instead, the maid would take food for her. The first time my mom saw her, it was at our reception. (Mum didn't attend my solemnization...) She never did shock hands with my mum or anything at all that day. My mum was upset and she had since not liked my stepdaughter at all. (Need I explain that my mum and dad was the one who taught me to cook, clean, be independent and sensible??) There was a time when the daughter mentioned that she feels like she missed her mum when my parents come over and my mum thus felt only comfortable to come when she wasn�t around.

On to my husband a little - when I was cleaning up the wife�s things, I found cards they used to exchange with each other. Anniversaries, birthdays etc. However in my side now, I am always the one who gives cards and thoughtful letters or surprise notes to him. I feel how much he still loves his late wife despite what she had done, and it makes me terrible sad and angry. I feel that the both of them are not ready for a new woman in their lives. My husband seems to still be bitter about it.

At times when we fight, my husband thinks that giving me expensive gifts of presents would make me feel better. I told him a 1000x that I don�t need a Burberry handbag; I just wanted to spend quality time and him to be affectionate with me again, just like the dating days. It seemed too had gone missing after we got married... I felt bitterly alone and not loved at all�

I resigned from work not long after we got married, and earned myself a scholarship to continue my degree. Even thought my husband had mentioned he preferred me to study instead of work (the people u meet at work, he was worried I was going to end up like the late wife) so when I applied for the scholarship, he seemed to be supportive. But once I got it and started studying, he showed no sense of being proud at all. In fact, he didn�t even mention to his parents or siblings that I received a scholarship to study. It was really sad; I didn't want any of them to assume I married him for money. I only wanted him to be proud like how my parents were terrible proud of me.

Need I mention how much money and time my husband is willing to spend for his sports or certain things, even till he refused to buy the centrepieces for our reception (which I handmade horribly not long after) and how I saved a lot of money by DIY wedding stuffs? Alas, not long after that he bought a laptop (not really necessary) for something more than my centrepieces... Or how he would go out for sports the night I would see him before I left for a 5 days trip at work. There were other times where I just long to spend time with him before we won�t see each other for a while.

I posted angry thoughts and words on my blog not long after problems and surfaced, and when one of his siblings copy-pasted it to the other sisters, they mentioned to my husband, "May god protect YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER from people with evil intentions." Yes, I was seen as the evil one; everyone thought my intention was for his money. I had never asked him for fancy things like his wife had, I had only asked for his affection and for us to go for holidays together to spend our special moments. It was really upsetting and then on, I wasn't close to any of his siblings, it was obvious that blood is thicker than water.

One day, I posted an angry tweet on twitter. I said that once a person is lazy and stupid, not even the most expensive education can make them smarter. Little did I know, not long after that, even after I had deleted it, the daughter had taken my iPod (without me knowing I must say) and accessed my Twitter and Facebook. She then took photo (evidence I suppose) and twitted something else on her twitter, which caught the attention of her nosy aunt (late mum's sis). This aunt then initiated a conversation with my husband and his sister and I would say all hell broke loose. Of course, I learned my lesson. But my husband wasn�t at all receptive to me, nor did the daughter get into trouble for invading my privacy.

We had a terrible fight and this time I was already halfway out the elevator when my husband caught after me leaving the house. I hated my choices I was terrible angry and upset that my husband only sees my fault in this. I had firmly told him I refuse to do anything to make our relationships better, simply because whatever I did didn't work. The daughter ignores my gestures, and my husband thinks I�m not trying hard enough. I bought her gifts, shut up about the mess she does, drives her to the mall if she needs too, give her money if she asks for it. I bought her Swarovski crystal earrings twice (in replacement for the diamond ones she asks for) and of course that is like nothing compared to the Coach handbag her aunt bought her�

I felt terribly suffocated. It was then I told my husband that if he and the daughter suffered too much, just divorce me. (Muslim man can easily divorce, but a woman needs to seek legal help in court...) He refused, and told me to seek legal help instead. (Knowing it would cost me money and time and most definitely, nearly impossible - There are only several reasons a woman can seek divorce and emotional torture is not one of them). Moreover, the women had to forgo some matrimonial money (I don�t know what) and pay the husband the dowry given during the wedding�

But I had determinedly told him I will eventually, it solves the problem for all of us. After that fight, I mentioned to the daughter that she had just got the father and I divorced and not long after that she posted about it on the internet. She was definitely happy with the decision. (But her father had later mentioned to her that it was I WHO WANTED TO LEAVE HIM.)
My husband wasn�t too happy about the arrangement, he believes we can work this out and he loves me (I just wish he showed) but he is terribly caught in the middle. I told him I had suffered too long to even think about being happy as long as she existed in that house. We had set 3 years (until I finish my degree) and if things don't work out, we will consent a divorce.) I'm surely not setting my hopes high; I already know what kind of person they both are. It is obvious, if the daughter is happy and not cause trouble, the father would be ok, and that is, through a divorce.

Sigh, problems with the daughter is really difficult to handle. My parents don�t know about the divorce, but they had advised me to just ignore her because eventually she will go to college and grow up and leave the house. But when I started to ignore her, I am blamed uncaring. =(
I know she has been the root of our unhappiness. Problems surfaced with her tantrums, and even when I tried to reconcile and shut up, nothing happened. It�s really sad. I really don't know what can be done. But basically at this time, my heart is really set on leaving.
I love my husband, but I don�t think I love him enough to see my happiness go and suffer emotionally for a long time. I know I can be independent and find happiness by myself again. What do you think?


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Our marriage is failing

Sorry to tell you, I doubt many people are going to read your post when they see how long it is...I know I didn't...


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RE: Our marriage is failing

I'm so sorry.

I don't think this man will ever be any better than he is now.
They usually don't improve, in fact, they almost always get worse.

He was callous about having you move into his late wife's bedroom, he's been callous about your unhappiness, & he's refused to give you as much importance as his daughter.

When (if) she "leaves", make no mistake, she'll still be in the picture for as long as he lives, & he will keep up the conflict between you & her because it keeps you downtrodden.

You have a future, & you can make a life for yourself, but you need to get that degree, & 3 years is too long to be miserable & tense & stressed out if there's any other option at all.

Meanwhile, please please be very careful;
one of the classic ways men establish ironclad control is by getting their wives pregnant.

Then, you have a lifelong unbreakable bond, married or divorced, & I'd guess that a divorce would be even harder to obtain once you had a child.

It seems to me that your best option would be to get away from that household & concentrate on your studies.

Can you get your parents to help pay for the divorce & can you move back in with them or maybe with other family?

I wish you the best.


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RE: Our marriage is failing

"one of the classic ways men establish ironclad control is by getting their wives pregnant"

And women would never do this. Talk to all the NFL/NBA/NHL/players and other rich guys out there who were stupid enough to fall for the "I'm on the pill" line, only to find themselves supporting their baby mama for the next 21 years off their huge paychecks.

As always, it works both ways....


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RE: Our marriage is failing

but OP isn't a wealthy athlete...


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RE: Our marriage is failing

You are blaming the daughter, and yes, she is certainly difficult, but she's 16 and her mother died not-that-long-ago. In other words, she's a kid, and even if she's spoiled rotten, she's also lost a lot.

While the daughter's behaviors are difficult and irritating, it's your spouse who's the problem. It sounds as if he married too quickly without resolving his grief and anger. He and his daughter are bound by a mutual loss and your problems are exacerbated by his unrealistic expectations for you as his wife, though you're not that much older than his own daughter. He also is a terrible disciplinarian. It really is not your role.

I see no benefit in waiting three years for divorce. You're young enough (and not pregnant) so you can make a fresh start. At the very least, if you can return to your parents' home or have the resources to live independently and continue school, I would recommend doing so.


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RE: Our marriage is failing

Well this had 'recipe for failure' all over it from the very beginning. The first thing that should have alerted you to go very slow was a newly widowed gentleman, wife's photo on bedside and house left as before the day she died.

Then guy racing into the dating game and after a few rejects rapidly marries you. Perhaps you were just too young and starry eyed 'in love' to see what a land mine you were about to say 'I do' to, or perhaps made the mistake to think you would just turn it all around and make all these changes and things would be romatic and wonderful...clean slate, fresh wife, young woman to teach a teen how to convert to new young wife's way of thinking blah blah blah. Well, whatever the line of thought was, it obviously blew up in your face.

If you are truly 'stuck' in this marriage and home for a while, take a stand now and set things straight on how it is going to be from here on out. 1) you are not 'mother', this is not your teen to 'teach' anything to and he can pay the maid more to be the girl's keeper or he can hire a nanny to be at the girl's finger snaps. 2) forget about the sd's messes...there is a maid in the house. set up your private living areas in home that are off limits to sd and her messy ways and enjoy yourself afar from Miss Spoiled One. 3)Forget about what Dad soils his daughter with or what over. As long as it is his money and not joint money...just keep repeating to yourself 'not my kid, not my problem'... so what if she goes to too many concerts? Why care if she spends the night at her aunt's home? SD can report to her father, the maid and/or her newly hired nanny. She's not your problem and you're not any longer going to worry about any responsiblity over where she is, what she is doing ect. Daughter wants you to stay out of it and allow Dad to make decisions...by all means give the girl her wish and from here on out it's Daddy's problem. 4) tune a deaf ear towards husband when he starts whining about the new changes about who and how his daughter will be 'taught' and 'corrected' by...he created the mess, let him deal with the mess and all the responsiblities and issues his actions (or lack of actions) causes.

Get your education, your career and go about your daily life. Princess is his to worry about. Maybe if he has a problem being responsible for his own child he's forget about the 3 yr agreement he's holding over your head.

I see one major mistake going in...the sd's late mother's things that were willed to her should have been storaged in storage unit until the daughter was strong enough and ready to decide for herself what she desired to do with it all. Even the packing and storing of it all should have left you away from helping with the chore...the way it did go down, this daughter will never forgive you for being the one in her eyes that made her mother's items go away and not only go but go before she was ready emotionally to deal with her losses.

If you can't take back your total independence quite yet, at least retake control of your personal day to day life.


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RE: Our marriage is failing

Just pointing out the fact that deception, control, and in general real sh*tty behavior towards other humans is unfortunately practiced by both genders, and is not specific to men...that's all. Want it to me 'fair and balanced' around here...just like FOX news (joke of course...)


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RE: Our marriage is failing

but OP didn't post about the news;
she posted about her own personal situation & her own unhappiness, & that is what I addressed.

If you were to post that a girlfriend "accidentally on purpose" "forgot" her pill or poked holes in...anything..., would it help you if someone posted that, after all, guys do that kind of thing to women, too?


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RE: Our marriage is failing

Dear all, Thank you for your thoughtful comments. I know I wrote a long post, but mkroopy, I do not expect everyone would understand my position in a short post.
Thank you Sylviatexas, Readinglady and Justmetoo. You have been very understanding.

In explanation to my position :

1. Before I got married, my parents had warned me that is anything were to happen (Inter-racial marriages in my country had boast issues like this before) I am not to return home crying when my marriage fail. I know my parents loved me and meant well, they only warned me of what would happen and they were absolutely right. but they are now retired, I cannot bear to burden them with my issues. If I am to find money, it will be on my own responsibility.

2. Like I mentioned above, by Muslim law, a wife can only divorce her husband for several reasons. You can refer to this :
"Men have the right to divorce. If a man dislikes keeping his marriage for any reason, he divorces his wife and compensates her financially by paying her what is termed mut'a payment. This is in addition to the regular financial sustenance for her living, in case she has the custody of their children.
Divorce becomes in effect once the husband utters or writes down any of the legal formulae of divorce such as: �I divorce you� or �you are divorced��etc. The husband can do these either by himself or through a messenger.

In case it is the woman's desire to end the marriage, the situation becomes different. Her reasons might be that she has received ill treatment, the husband is unable to sustain her financially or he is sexually impotent. She can prove these defects in front of the judge, then the judge grants her divorce with a full access to all her financial rights.

Also, if the husband was good to her but she does not want to keep on for an emotional reason, then she asks for what is termed khul'. This means to be granted divorce but without any access for financial rights, plus paying back the husband the dowry that he already paid on marrying her."
I have made it clear to my husband that I don't want anything from him if he divorces me, but it seems like he is smart, he knows I won't be able to find a reason to divorce but for emotional reasons. I'm sure do hope that I'm wrong; I hope he doesn't want my money, after all his late wife did leave some for him. I am just like a pawn, I am only to suffer in a position where there is nothing I can do.

3. To Justmetoo, the solution you proposed was exactly what I did. Like I mentioned above, after my parents told me to ignore her coz eventually she will leave, I did exactly that. I ignored her. I stopped whatever I did before ie.plates to the dishes, pick up your mess, ask for permission first, spend your money wisely, you don't need another concert etc, MY HUSBAND DEEMED ME UNCARING.
And again I say, I had established an understanding that I am not going to do anything anymore to make it better with her, unless she starts to do so herself. This are how things are now, she doesn't need my permission for anything, and in fact even if she does ask me, it is because she was told to by her father. And even if she did, it was, "I'm going out now, Ok Annie?" or "I'm going to borrow the bathtub, OK?" or "Can you send me to my friend's house later?" I know because her father asks her to do so, she knows I was the one who made the changes in the first place, so she behaves worst.

4. About her mother's things, you are terribly right. It was definitely my fault for clearing up the things. I just couldn't bear to live in the bedroom, which is the house under he name willed to the daughter (we are moving out sometime in 2013, AT LAST =( ) with no where to put my things. I felt really not at peace living here, everywhere I look it was just her possessions and reminders of her. Like I said, my Husband seemed very ignorant about how I felt. He had in fact mentioned I didn't know her and had no rights to hate her. She cheated on him and I didn't, I still don't understand why I get treated as if I was the one who did him wrong. I hate her terribly, It was because of what she did, that my husband is bitter and refused to clear up the mess. It was his responsibility and he dutifully neglected it and left me with the bitter consequences.

I was told that the daughter was not very close to the parents. In fact, with both working adults and one spending too much time with someone else, a lot of things were left to other people to be responsible for. The maid handles a lot of things and she was given all she wanted so she wouldn't whine and cause troubles to her parents. Most definitely, I read her blog and she wrote that "my mum bullies me and don't support me" and "I didn't cry when mummy died." In fact, there wasn't an issue at all, until I came in the house. God knows what did she realize, but I doubt she appreciated her mother much until she realized someone else became the new woman in the house.

The only thing I can think of now, is to live like nothing happened. Ignorance is not my forte, my blood boils to see her mess and her unthoughtful attitude about eating her share of food at home. It's makes me terribly sad that my husband says I don't care for either of them. I would have to save up my money wisely, study hard and start building a better life for myself in the future. Meanwhile, I would just have to take everything thrown at me.

PS : My husband has mentioned in the past the one thing he wont tolerate is cheating and that consents a divorce. I can't do that, and even if I faked it, the bad would just be reflected on me. My husband is very smart of pretending like everything is beautiful and on cloud 9 in front of people. No one would believe of his character or assume something is wrong with our marriage.


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RE: Our marriage is failing

So when your husband calls you "uncaring", tell him straight, "You're right, I don't care, I tried caring and nothing I said or did made any difference. If _you_ cared, _you_ would be working on this, and you're not. She's _your_ daughter, and the result of sixteen years of _your_ input. I can't change that overnight, or at all, without her and your cooperation. So, yes, I no longer care, why should I be any different to anyone else in this household?"
If you won't go home to your parents (they might have said at the time you couldn't come home but I bet if they knew how unhappy you were that would change), then keep telling yourself, two more years, eighteen months, one more year, just six months now, until you get your degree and independence. Either things will improve in that time and you will change your mind, or they won't and you will leave, but at least you will have internalised that it is in the long run a temporary state of affairs that does have an end in sight.


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RE: Our marriage is failing

I know it is very challenging as a woman to initiate a divorce under muslim religious law. So are you saying that your country of residence is governed by Islam and that there is no alternate civil option?

If Muslim law determines the terms of your divorce, see if you can find some knowledgeable and sympathetic older women who can guide you to the advice of an appropriate religious advocate. It's possible there are other grounds, based on what you've said of your husband's deficiencies. If nothing else, the shame of being "put on notice" by a spiritual leader may have a beneficial effect.

Even so, I think confiding in your parents (even if it is difficult) is the best option. You need their support.

Losing your dowry may be difficult but you might want to re-consider whether it's worth enduring this situation on the off chance you'll recoup assets. Do you want to live like this getting older? Is this the man you want to father your children?

Sometimes giving up money is worth the freedom.

As far as the daughter is concerned, grief is a strange thing. Sometimes there are delayed reactions, and regardless of what she thought she felt or didn't feel about her mother, obviously, she is dealing with some strong emotions.

I wouldn't be too sure, either, that what's being said about the deceased wife is true. You're getting all that information second-hand. If she were around, she might have a different story to tell.


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RE: Our marriage is failing

"My husband deemed me uncaring"

Annie, that's the whine...it's an attempt to guilt trip you. Pfft. Don't let it work. You perhaps may have to quietly walk off to another room in the home when he starts in on you with the fighting and manipulation attempts. Don't engage yourself in his hissy fits over who should be caring and tending to HIS DAUGHTER.

Based only on what you've typed, it sounds as if neither parent put much effort into actually raising and guiding this young lady...they just tossed money at her and left the raising lessons and tending to up to others. The teen is a product of what the parents created. They didn't take on much responsiblity while the girl was younger in her formative years and Papa doesn't seem to want to take on responsiblity now...he wants to dump it in your lap. On top of this the daughter has had an emotional loss in her young life and Papa tosses this time not money but a young adult female at daughter to try to point out and correct all the things the parents failed at in raising and teaching the child.

I actually feel sorry for the daughter here too. She is a victim of her parents doings. Do try to show a bit of empathy towards the daughter. She didn't create this situation either. That's not to say you should go back to trying to raise and teach her (change her) but there is a chance that even if things are very strained and too late to turn the clock back now, there are valuable lessons in life itself you are showing this girl. Kind of like just being a positive female, a hard worker, gaining education and determined to build a career and to escape negative situations. Afterall, when you do gain your divorce and freedom, this young girl is still going to be stuck with the only parent she has left...perhaps somehow her experience of living with you and watching you she will be able to see a different way of life that can leave a lasting impression on her.


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