A very bitter divorce, her teen years and a mother who dysfuctionally filled the girl with hate and blame...the kid never stood a chance in accepting you.

But it's time for both of you to 'move on'. Compromise with your husband. He loves the girl. Good, bad, ugly warts and all...she is his child. Just as you would not, could not turn your back on your own child, don't make him chose between his daughter and his wife. Such drama never plays out well.

Sit down with husband and make it clear that you understand his need to have his daughter a part of his life but that there is too much damage and hard feelings for you to just play family during the holidays. Then suggest the daughter (are both coming?) come for x amount of days and he pay to make her comfortable in a hotel room. No knocking yourself out cooking and catering to the girl either. Eat your holiday meal out this year. You can handle being civil for a few hours...I didn't say 'fake', I said 'civil'. It's important to him that he trys and has some relationship with this girl.

You have your mother already in the home this holiday, don't want drama and misbehavior blah blah. Husband can spend a couple/few days spending time with the girl, taking her out and about or just visiting in the lounge at hotel. As 'cold' as that sounds, some of them are quite festive and enjoyable this time of year.

Sure it will take a bit of a chunk out of the household wallet, but it will be worth every cent. All your asking is for compromise and a situation that could be enjoyable and tolerable for all.

No fighting about past times blah blah. Pure and simple civil. Expected by all parties. You really should not have read for facebook but she has no one to blame for her broken privacy than herself. Seriously, how silly to use the computer and not have enough sense to log off if it was so private. Don't perform 'private' issues on someone else's computer is a lesson she now learned the hard way.

It's not 'you are holding a grudge', you just simply are done being mistreated and disrespected in your home and you don't intend to spend your holiday fighting. You expect husband to honor a compromise that can work for all of you and which shows some respect for all parties involved. You could always take Mom and do the hotel room yourself (think peace and quiet and somebody else doing the cooking and cleaning and you and Mom just soaking it up and relaxing!)

I think the hotel idea is a good one. I would only add if your husband does not want to his daughter in a hotel, then you and your mom should go yourselves. I have a feeling your husband will not want to put his daughter in a hotel, so don't let yourself go through that torture.
If your husband won't put his daughter in a hotel, then you and your mom go. Hope you have a merry and stress free christmas.

I totally disagree no way should you and your mom have to leave YOUR home for this women.She is a grown women and needs to act as one..You two have children together? How does she treat them? and how old are they?

It was not said in a 'must HAVE' to way, gcats. It was said in a form of compromising. It's not necessarily a 'hardship' and/or 'punishment' to temporarily run away from home and set one's self up in style at a 'cater to me' hotel. Think hot tub, room service, chauffered vehicle to haul you around to sights and entertainment.

I'd trade hostessing a girl who despise me in for a weekend of comfort and relaxing any day. I offered out the poster and her mother because it may be enjoyed as a mini vacation ...who wants to stay around 'home' and be spit at?

I suggested the daughter do the hotel initially because I had no problems shipping my SS and his girlfriend of that moment to a hotel on the evening she outlived her welcome in my home. I can and will be civil for a short duration, but hell will freeze over before I put up with unwanted company in my home that do not know how to conduct themselves.

And yes, I've stayed in hotels many times while visiting relatives (DS and SS). I find it much more accomadating and relaxing...and for the record I have no issues getting along with my children/step, I just prefer not to be a burden in their homes and actually enjoy having a 'room' of my own to have some 'me' time. It's not a 'punishment' it's a preferred choice. When I get tired of the noise or want to soak in the hot tub and have room service, I just get in my vehicle , say goodnight and off I go.

I suggested hotel in this posters situation because her husband has made it clear the girl is coming. What would you suggest? Just lock the door and leave husband and girl out on the lawn? That's hardly going to play well. Flat out telling the guy she can't come no way no how is only going to set off major fights and hurt feelings...I offered a doable solution. Refusing to come to some sort of compromise will only serve to ruin the entire holiday for all of them. Husband calls kid up and says she can't come afterall is not going to leave the poster with a pleasant holiday...it will just get her a resentful pain in the rear poutty man on her hands. Not my idea of a win for the poster.

Thank you all for your comments! I had just needed to vent and I felt better after I wrote it all down. It's just such a stressful situation and to have this girl's mom calling me as well, leaving messages, is just...I don't know.

I think you are very right...having her stay in a hotel is a very good idea. My first instinct is to just have her go home if she decides she can't control the things she says, but underneath the hurt I feel, I know that's probably the right thing.

I know I definitely wouldn't go to a hotel, if only for the simple fact that it's Christmas and I have small children - 6 and 4 years - and they are greatly anticipating Santa tonight. :) But I did leave this summer when I knew she was coming and I guess that's kind of the same thing, although I went to visit my family and not a hotel room. But honestly, I did feel some resentment over it but tried to put it in it's place. My husband and I had some big fights over this because that's exactly how I felt - why should I have to leave my own home because this 'girl' can't control herself? My husband would only say - Well no one is making you leave! But I think that just misses the whole point when my only options were to stay and suffer through the poison this girl emits or leave. Anyway, in the end, I just decided that this was bigger than me and that for him to reestablish a relationship with his daughter was important for him. So I left and it was ok I guess.

This girl has never wanted anything to do with my children. Before we had children she would say all the time that if we ever had kids, she would never acknowledge them as her siblings and that they would be nothing to her. But now, years later, she is beginning to say that she wants to get to know them. She's only seen my older son once or twice when he was younger and she's only seen my youngest when he was a baby, as she's not been back to our home since. HOWEVER, she wants a relationship with them without me being around. She asked my husband if it would be possible to spend time alone with my kids without me being around. Fortunately my husband told her that that would not happen under any circumstances - I guess he knew I would really go ballistic if he told her anything other than that. It made me feel good to hear that he told her that our kids are a package deal. I want the best for my kids and I know that one day I will not be around and that these girls will be some of the only family they have. I have never said a bad word about either of the girls in front of my kids, no matter how I've felt and I never will. But right now, this girl is just too filled with bitterness and hatred and there is nothing in this world that would make me leave my kids alone with her for 5 seconds. Honestly, as bad as this sounds, I wish I could just make this girl vanish as if she's never existed. Oh well.

Thank you again for all your thoughts! I've just really needed someone to hear me and appreciate so much the time you've taken to respond. I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas!

Amy

Thank you all for your comments! I had just needed to vent and I felt better after I wrote it all down. It's just such a stressful situation and to have this girl's mom calling me as well, leaving messages, is just...I don't know.

I think you are very right...having her stay in a hotel is a very good idea. My first instinct is to just have her go home if she decides she can't control the things she says, but underneath the hurt I feel, I know that's probably the right thing.

I know I definitely wouldn't go to a hotel, if only for the simple fact that it's Christmas and I have small children - 6 and 4 years - and they are greatly anticipating Santa tonight. :) But I did leave this summer when I knew she was coming and I guess that's kind of the same thing, although I went to visit my family and not a hotel room. But honestly, I did feel some resentment over it but tried to put it in it's place. My husband and I had some big fights over this because that's exactly how I felt - why should I have to leave my own home because this 'girl' can't control herself? My husband would only say - Well no one is making you leave! But I think that just misses the whole point when my only options were to stay and suffer through the poison this girl emits or leave. Anyway, in the end, I just decided that this was bigger than me and that for him to reestablish a relationship with his daughter was important for him. So I left and it was ok I guess.

This girl has never wanted anything to do with my children. Before we had children she would say all the time that if we ever had kids, she would never acknowledge them as her siblings and that they would be nothing to her. But now, years later, she is beginning to say that she wants to get to know them. She's only seen my older son once or twice when he was younger and she's only seen my youngest when he was a baby, as she's not been back to our home since. HOWEVER, she wants a relationship with them without me being around. She asked my husband if it would be possible to spend time alone with my kids without me being around. Fortunately my husband told her that that would not happen under any circumstances - I guess he knew I would really go ballistic if he told her anything other than that. It made me feel good to hear that he told her that our kids are a package deal. I want the best for my kids and I know that one day I will not be around and that these girls will be some of the only family they have. I have never said a bad word about either of the girls in front of my kids, no matter how I've felt and I never will. But right now, this girl is just too filled with bitterness and hatred and there is nothing in this world that would make me leave my kids alone with her for 5 seconds. Honestly, as bad as this sounds, I wish I could just make this girl vanish as if she's never existed. Oh well.

Thank you again for all your thoughts! I've just really needed someone to hear me and appreciate so much the time you've taken to respond. I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas!

Amy

The problem is NOT with the D but really with YOUR HUSBAND. Nothing will be solved until he sees what he did and man up enough to do the right things.

You should not take it personally as the D shows the hatred toward you. It is not you, but your position that they don't like. It could be Kate Middleton, and they will still be hateful. If you were put in this girl's position, you probably would act similarly. That is just human's reaction.

ON the note about the mom's calling you. That is way out of line. You should simply hang up the phone on her.

I think as long as you stay married to your h, the problem will persist. The only way to solve it from your perspective is to use compassion & love to dissolve the hatred.I would let your H deal with his D when she comes, he needs to be a man to face the child's attack when it comes. He needs to make amend with them.

Honestly the girl is 21. If she opens her mouth and lets ignorant comments come out call her on it right then and there!!! Tell her that was rude and why would she say that? Tell her you would expect better out of an adult visiting your home. Don't let her get away with it! And that night (in private) you stand up to your husband and MAKE him go deal with her. He is dealing with you by MAKING you have her in your home....he should be able to make her act respectful in your home.