In Laws Inviting The Ex....
jdw89
15 years ago
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Comments (21)
imamommy
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agocindy_pond
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
Ex-father in law question
Comments (10)Thanks to all of you for your well-thought-out responses! Billl you are right, my LH wasn't anywhere near a standup guy. In fact I used to dread any holiday because my in-laws would insist that we spend it at their house (Thanksgiving, Xmas, Easter, you name it) and my LH would tell him "yes, sure" every time and then the night before - or worse, the MORNING OF - whatever the day was, he'd tell me to call and make some excuse such as that one of us was sick, the car wouldn't start, or whatever. Thus, I was the one who got the immediate flak over the phone; not him. Or we'd go and then I'd have to make up some excuse for us to leave early. I'm sure that you all will say that I should never have gone along with that nonsense. However as I mentioned in my original post, my LH not only had a drinking problem (as did my in-laws) but also a hair-trigger and violent temper. It was literally safer to do things his way. The estrangement between my LH and FIL was just as much my LH's fault as his father's (by that time my MIL had died). Naturally there is no longer any reason for either me or my son to appease my FIL. I admit I hate confrontation and conflict and of a nature to want to avoid rocking the boat; also, I'm caught between my FIL's personality (which is really tough to take) and the fact that he's 80-something years old, with a pacemaker, and almost completely blind from glaucoma. So part of me says, I should cut him some slack and try to smooth things over. However, lest it be thought that he's a helpless elderly man sitting in a rocking chair, that's hardly the case: he has a GF of long standing, lots of friends, and they spend every winter in a condo they own down in Florida. So I'm a bit conflicted at times about how to handle the situation. I have not invited him to our new home yet and I am hoping that he doesn't one day demand to know why not! I have no idea how I'd handle THAT one!! There are two other grandsons in the picture (my LH's brother's children) who are 21 and 24 and do keep in contact with my FIL fairly regularly. Of course that adds fuel to the fire of why don't I and my son do the same! However, I happen to know that the main reason the other grandchildren do this is because of, um, let's just say an eventual financial reward. However my son and I just can't bring ourselves to be quite that mercenary. I agree though that it is better to let the s**t hit the fan - as it will if my son comes right out and says he would rather not keep in contact with his grandfather - as a result of being honest, than letting it do the same as a result of excuses resulting in nothing being done. The ironic thing is that I personally don't believe in making phone calls or giving gifts, out of nothing more than a sense of obligation. I've mentioned to my FIL in a light-handed way that when my son is away at college, he never calls ME unless he needs something, and that's just the way it is. And that it really does not bother me. My MIL used to DEMAND that her sons call her every Sunday without fail - and if they didn't she'd throw a spectacular sulky hissy fit; and I swore I'd never put a child of mine into the same position. I'd never want anyone to call, write, or give me anything unless it was done only because they wanted to do it... not because they were told to, or felt obligated to do so for any reason. Otherwise it is nothing but a meaningless gesture. But perhaps I am a bit odd about that. :-)...See MoreEx-Son-in-law from HELL
Comments (20)The father is the next of kin and a likely person to be tagged as caregiver. However, there may be other circumstances involved, one that could eliminate him as a 'good' parent. First off, he's got his head in the sand if he thinks he can avoid the cost of child support. Ya sure, he can stop child support payments if the child lives under his roof, but he has not thought this through. There is a cost to supporting a minor and I'll hazard that cost could equal what he was paying in child support. He'll have to feed, clothe him, provide schooling extra activities, and be a father at other times. The child will need supervision (and companionship) when not in school. This means 'dad' should be home enough hours to keep track of the kid. His personal freedom will be vastly curtailed. I'd certainly have child protective services look into the situation to determine if he qualifies as a parent. "Dad's" life style is a big factor in this case. If Dad travels out of town, he'll need to provide overseerer care while he's gone. This will be needed until the son attains an age where he is mauture enough to be self sufficient. If dad does not, or can not, become enough of a father, this boy is headed toward self destruction. But if dad is highly interested in his son, he could surprise everyone with good results. Next, since you seem to be a very interested party, could you become his guardian? I know there are costs, but look into financial help that you might be elgible for, namely Social Security....See MoreEx wife entitled to ex husband's pension?
Comments (67)So much wrong information here. So, so much. First, the pension: I have the impression that the couple was married when the husband signed on for the pension. He almost certainly made his wife his beneficiary (person who collects if the pensioner dies). Beneficiary trumps everything else, including a will ... so if he never went back and changed it, the ex-wife could potentially be the automatic beneficiary. Also, the couple would have divided the pension along with their other marital assets. This doesn't mean it was split down the middle; sometimes, for example, sometimes a wife gives up rights to future pension benefits so she can have the house ... or sometimes promises that the husband keeps the lion's share of the pension, provided he pays for the kids' college ... or the couple could've agreed that since she stayed home and raised the children -- foregoing her own career -- that she gets the bigger share of his pension. Any of these things, or any number of other possibilities, could be true. Questions that need answering: - Who is the beneficiary? - What is in the divorce agreement? Then Social Security: An ex-wife can draw upon an ex-husband's account ... but one of the requirements is that she cannot have remarried. Any spouse can only draw 50% of the spouse's benefit ... so she'd have to compare this to her own benefit (she cannot draw her own benefit PLUS her spouse or ex-spouse's benefit -- it's an either-or proposition)....See Moreex-in-laws and stepkids
Comments (4)Welcome! We went through something similar, only it was X bad-mouthing DH (then boyfriend). DS was 3-4 when X and I split and DH and I (and X and his GF) started dating. X would say terribly nasty things about DH and it would upset DS very much. DS genuinely liked DH so it hurt him to hear these bad things about someone he liked. DH decided to "back off". In other words, he disengaged from DS to the point where DS rarely even saw him. He didn't disengage because of anything DS said or did (DS was never mean to DH), but he disengaged so DS wouldn't have to hear the bad things from X. This hurt DS even more. Basically, X caused DH to all-but abandon DS. This FURIATED me because I was expected to still be engaged with HIS daughter (attend school and sporting events, etc.), but he has an excuse for not putting any effort into DS. After about a year of that, I quit trying to get DH to care about DS and DS quit asking about DH or expecting to see him or SD. In turn, I quit caring if I saw DH and SD. DS and I had things to do and they had things to do, and slowly (over about 3 years) we were so busy with our separate things we didn't have time for things together. Finally, 4+ years into our relationship, I ended things with DH. It had been a long time coming. He wasn't happy with that (I'm still not sure what he was holding on to), and started re-engaging with DS. DS would be so excited to see DH and SD at his sporting events, and I could see a change in DH, too. He looked like he was enjoying them. Now (we've been married for 6 months, but together for 7 1/2 years), DH and DS have the coolest relationship. DS respects him, and DH genuinely likes DS's personality. I am still DS's parent, but DS respects that DH is a parent, too, even if he isn't his own. They have common interests that don't include me. And DH is seeing his re-engagement pay off. Just the other night, DH told me (for the first time ever) how proud he was of DS. I told DH he could take a little credit for himself because he's worked with DS and DS listens to him. I guess my point is don't back away, but don't push, either. Stay as involved as you always are so she can see consistency. Kids need consistency....See Moremom2emall
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