Hi, Nivea-- I'm an adult SD also, and have dealt with many of the same things you have, especially the flippant dismissal of the past and then making me the scapegoat for bringing up how it had an effect on me; feeling so outnumbered and minimized; the pain of feeling like Dad doesn't see it (but I think in all these cases somewhere deep down he does... whether he does anything about it or admits he sees it is something else...). The way your situation was worse than mine is the amount of chores you shouldered at such an early age, like a true Cinderella (I wasn't expected to do all those chores til this last summer when I stayed with my dad & his GF because he now has cancer; she gave me corrections on the way I changed *her* cats' litterbox and actually said to me: "you're here to take the workload off me"). And of course you had to deal with that day in day out and I only visited a few times a year. Not trying to compare, because pain is pain; my point is that I can relate. From my perspective of having gone through similar stuff, it does sound at this point like your Dad is still open to listening to you. (Mine has several times come close to "shooting the messenger" and kicking me out of his life, even recently, with cancer, and completely invalidating my pain.) I think it is worth trying to write a letter. Even if he never sees it, even if it is to work out how you will phrase things talking to him in person. If you're like me you have such a swirl of conflicting emotions (you're so hurt but you still need your dad; you're angry at him for being a bystander but you wonder if he felt "trapped", etc.) and fear that once you open your mouth a bunch of uncontrollable, nonsensical rage will come out. So definitely writing out your thoughts and feelings can't but help you clarify and get centered and strong. There is always a temptation in these situations to psychologically write the other parties off, erase them from your mind, etc. Believe me, I've been tempted, and I still struggle to make the regular calls to my dad that I feel I need to make because he needs them as a cancer patient. And the cancer has really caused me to realize that I can't just completely shut the door, no matter how much all this has hurt (the feeling of being so invalidated and GF forcing him to choose, and him choosing to keep me away to make her happy). Even though he has actually said: "I've already said my goodbyes to you", "I won't subject my wife [they just got married in October after 18 yrs, for insurance purposes or something] to your complaints..." Even with all this hurt and rejection, I can't completely shut the door, and I myself didn't know that until cancer came along and kind of forced the issue for me. This is, I guess, why I am so about families doing everything in their power to stay connected and try to reach understandings, and why my heart is going out so much to others in similar situations lately... I have basically found two things the most therapeutic in dealing with these things that have no easy answers and which you will likely never be able to fully escape: -Trying my best to continue the unconditional love a family should give, even if it is not given. I'm actually not religious at all, but this strikes me as something many religious folks might relate to... a form of forgiveness and invincible love. The way I see it, it's a can't-lose situation: giving love which hopefully helps my Dad, and also giving myself the peace of mind that at least *I* have tried my best to do the right thing, so that at least I know that I have found a way to learn unconditional love and support and that this particular family dynamic has not taken that away from me. -Helping others. Helping my dad with many things throughout this disease, trying to help other families at risk of rupturing, feeling like I can try to prevent others from the same problems, offering the perspective of my experience hopefully as "preventative"... No, we can't take on the responsibility of trying to "fix the world" (besides, that would be arrogant)... but things like making a vow to be the most loving supportive mom you can be to re-write the past and try to erase its negativity from the future... The best thing you can do for yourself and others is to continue what it sounds like you've been doing: refusing to let the past drag you and your child down, pouring the energy into building a rewarding life for yourself and your child and friends, etc. If you decide to share your letter with your dad (either it or sentiments from it in conversation), share your hurt honestly but be sure to at least give him a way he can try to atone or help you. He needs to feel like there is something he can do to make it right (even if its impossible for him to do so fully), he needs to feel like you can at least forgive him. Not that he should "get off easy" or feel like a half-a$$ flippant apology "covers it". Tell him all you need for him is to understand and not try to minimize your hurt, and that if he can truly do that, he has helped already to heal a lot of the damage. None of you can go back in time and give you back the full carefree childhood you should have had. But he also needs to know that the situation isn't damaged beyond repair if he's going to feel brave enough to give you the validation and acknowledgement you need.

I think a good compromise (and to make it less confusing) would be to come up with names such as "Nana" or "BonusGramps" (or whatever is decided) that are different enough from both "Grandma"/"Grandpa" and their full names so that it acknowledges that they are 'elders' with some 'extended' or 'blended' family ties without being uncomfortable for anybody. Even if it's a silly or unique nickname that the kids come up with. For example, I named all 4 of my *biological* grandparents when I was very young, and it stuck: "Mama Gin", "Papa Si", "Mom-Mom" and "Teet" (the last one was b/c this grandfather loved iced tea). Not knocking the old stand-bys "Grandma" and "Grandpa", but I really like the idea of personal unique nicknames for each. And it segues well into having unique names for SGP's. One good thing about your situation is that, unless the SGP's are real Buttinsky types, the kids having "bonus" grandparents is geenrally only going to be good. I say that based on maybe an idyllic conception of GP's as being involved in the GK's lives primarily as additional support and doting... Hopefully that'll be the case here.

Well the girl got pregnant and has a kid...can not change that now. Most 20 year olds can't support themselves, let alone a child! So you do need a plan! Not sure what state you live in, but most states have things in place to help young moms improve their lives. I got pregnant at 18, while I was in my first year of college. After my son was born I applied for financial aid for school (having a child no longer makes you a dependant and your eligible for tons of grant $). I got a full-ride for community college and lots paid for university. I got daycare assistance so my son attended daycare while I worked full-time and went to school full-time, and I only paid a bit for childcare. I lived at home with my dad during college and while he helped me with my son, he made it clear that he was not a live-in babysitter. After graduating college I got an apartment and began working full-time. A year later I bought my first house. If my dad had thrown me out on the street I would probably be living paycheck to paycheck and having a pretty rough life. Maybe you and your wife can get her to enroll in college and work while putting her child is in daycare. She will not be around much to cause trouble at home (and when she is around she will have homework and want to spend time with her child). Then and she will be working to build a good future for her and her child. One where she will not be trying to move home and borrow money from you and your wife constantly. I bet your wife would be more apt to listen to you if you had a plan like helping her daughter get an education and then moving out instead of telling her you want her daughter out asap and no plans to help her.

I agree that both her BF and BM have issues. However, I really don't see their issues being bad enough to justify purusing it in the court. If it does get worse over the next few months or years, then that will be something I consider pursuing in court. I would need her to tell me that is what she wants versus me bringing up that option and confusing her more. My ex knows that I'm talking to his daughter now via her cell phone and has not said anything about it. I think he is at least trying to do right by her. Although she tells me he goes to the bar almost everynight, I just indicate if someone is there with her, then it is fine. Once things with us is more in the past, then I hope he will let me visit with her regularly and we'll be able to speak civilly to each other. She already indicated she would like to stay a few days at my house over the winter break. In the summertime, maybe I can get her for a week or two as suggested and then I'll be able to take some time off and we go on a trip together. In the meantime, I'm going to focus on myself and having positive conversations with her about the good things going on in both of our lives instead of all the drama. During my relationship, I unfortunately lost sight of myself and now I have the time to refocus and find myself. I intend to quit smoking, start exercising, and eating right. These are my biggest flaws. Removing them will help ensure I'm the best I can be for myself and allow be to be the best role model possible for her.