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adult stepdaughter coming home

Posted by thurman (My Page) on
Sat, Nov 25, 06 at 22:27

Hello forum members,

My adult stepdaughter, age 25, is coming home for Christmas. She is a medical student, so she'll be here for a month. After all this time (I've known her since she was 6), I still dread her visits and celebrate when she leaves.

The problem is probably very similar to other stepparents. The subtle and not so subtle disrespect and "hurtful" slings, my wife backing her daughter no matter what, the division and tension in our home, and so on. I feel pretty trapped for these visits: can counseling help?

Don't want to explode on this kid. All it does is set my marriage back further and maybe that's what my stepdaughter desires (the reunion of bio-parents fantasy)?
It's hard to believe that she's almost 30 and is still pretty similar to how she acted at 12 and 13.

Thurman


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: adult stepdaughter coming home

Seek Counseling. Educate yourself and try to rise above and solve the tension.. Best of Luck...


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RE: adult stepdaughter coming home

Thurman, I just wanted you to know I have the same feeling towards both my step kids (1 girl 24 and 1 boy 20). I dread when they come around. They cause alot of stress between DH and myself. I try to ignore their rude inconsiderate comments. You could call it rising above. I will not stoop to their level because I am a better person. I feel sorry for DH having raised such self centered inconsiderate adults. I am always relieved when I know they are gone. I pray alot and try to keep the peace with DH. Keep your head up and I hope it helps you knowing your not alone. Best of luck.


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RE: adult stepdaughter coming home

Dear Thurman,

I am so glad to have found this Web site and to see this morning that there are steparents who feel exactly, but I mean exactly the way I do about their step children.

The way you feel about your SD visit at Christman is exactly the way I feel about having my SD coming to our house at Christmas. Although I have been with her father for 18 whole years, this sd still treats me like a piece of crap.

Her attitude towards me has hurt me alot to the point where I thought her disrespect towards me was going to kill me litterally. Her father and I discussed her attitude towards me several times but either he doesn't want to hear about it or he finds excuses for her behavior. He has even admitted that to me. He feels a lot of guilt towards this child, having left her mother when she was only 1 yr. old.

She is now 26 years old and although I get along extremely well with the other two stepchildren, her and I simply don't see eye to eye and it's not like we get into arguments or anything is just the feeling between us that is not nice and becoming more and more evident and thats because I have startedd acting towards her the same way she acts towards me.

The last time I saw her a few months ago, she was at our place for dinner with her two girls whom I just find beautiful and wonderful. The other two step children were also there with us.

When I came into the house, the sd (whom i don't get along with) was sitting right there in the living room. She completly ignored me. She never said hi, how are you, nothinhg. So for once, I did the same thing. It felt good.

I had made a birthday cake for her daughter. She laughed and made jokes about the cake for at least half an hour until I told her : hey you don't like the cake, fine, but your daughters, your brother, your sister and everyone else here seems to like it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I said it with an attitude. I am so sick of her that I really don't care anymore If i hurt her feelings. She left, never said good bye, not a thank you for the meal. Nothing. It's been like this for 18 years.

The day of her wedding, her father had a corsage, his ex wife had a corsage, his ex wife's parents had corsages, it seemed like every body that was important in this stepdaughter's life had a corsage. Me,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,nothing!. When we got at the reception hall and her father noticed all these people had corsage, but I didn't for once he said : That is not right. You sould have one too! I was glad he recognized my pain, but he never mentionned a word to her. In fact, we gave 500 dollars cash as a wedding gift and never did she say thank you to me to this day! She had never called me to say happy birthday in 18 years and i am still waiting for my christmas gift from last year!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All this to say - hey, i know how you are feelilng and how anxious we become when we know these people are coming to our house!

One thing i have learned with the years is just to do my own thing when she is around. I actually find excuses to get out of the house when she's around.

I'll think about you during the holidays! Another think i have started doing when she comes over is to repeat the following phrase : This too shall pass! (i say to myself she won't be here for always; just another day or two, etc. etc. )

Bonne chance!


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RE: adult stepdaughter coming home

Your lucky that she leaves...I have to put up with the same crap from my 16 yr old SD every day. I hate being around her so I try to find things to do that don't involve her in another room. She still manages to be rude, inconsiderate and ignorant and her father allows it. I pray every night for me to tolerate it as best as I can and wait for the day when she is gone. I hope she doesn't behave that way when she is your SD's age. I will never welcome her into the house!


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RE: adult stepdaughter coming home

Thurman,
See! You are not alone! Just a light aside...a short while back I was visiting my sister. She was off on some errand and I was all alone and trying to keep myself occupied. I got up on this ladder to fix something in the kitchen and I forget what happened, but I almost fell off the ladder. I called out some choice words. The African Gray parrot said, "It could be worse. Thank the lord!!" I replied, "You can say that again!" and he did.

So just know that it could be worse, just thank the lord.


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RE: adult stepdaughter coming home

Dear Stepmom,
Yes, I am lucky that the SD does leave at one point and also that she lives at least 5 hours from our house. But it wasn't always like that. She lived close to us for the first 14 years of her dad's life and I together). During that time, it was hell. I honestly thought of leaving hubby many times because of her and the arguments she created between us. I actually had enough at one point and did leave the relationship after 14 years. One year later we got back together, in a new house, and by that time SD had a boyfriend and had moved with him far away. YES.

However, I have heard that she is thinking of moving back near us. OH MY GOD. That will be the beginning of the end again between hubby and I. The first time I heard of her intentions to move back, I actually told her it wasn't going to change a thing in her life. You bring your problems with you if you don't settle them first, whereever you are. She said Yes but at least i would be nearer/closer to my dad.....!

Ya right! Nearer so you can cry on his shoulder, I thought, when in fact you get into trouble because you can't take your responsibilities yet even thought you are 26 years old, married and have two kids!!!

At 16 years old she got pregnant, quit high school and started living with her boyfriend, the father of the child. After a few months, that didn't work. Guess what! She asked her father if she could come and live at his house (not at ''our house'') until she and boyfriend could save some money and get back together!!

Ya right! Well, I insisted she go live with her mom. After all, she is the one who had full custody of this child - this child who told everybody her father had abandoned her!!!!!

My hubby was not happy with me for not wanting her in our home. We had a major fight - longest one in 18 years. It went for 14 hours straight. I told him i would help her any which way possible - i'll lend her money if i have to so she can get her own place, but she ain't coming in here, in my house!!! She finally went to her mom's and a few weeks later social services found her a place, gave her a whole bunch of money to get started, got furniture, etc. etc. etc. Few months later, she moved away (YES) to go and live with her boyfriend/father of the child!.

I would have died if she had lived under my roof!

In the summer, when she comes down, I don't go to the lake when she is there. I let her father go alone. I'd rather not go cuz she doesn't do a thing to keep the place clean nor does she take care of her kids. She knows her father will! Every time she has stayed at our cottage, when she leaves, she never cleans, wash, etc.

Stepmom - I understand when you say ''her father lets her get away with her rudeness, inconsideration, etc. etc. etc."

My hubby does the same thing and finds excuses for her behavior..he has never once reprimanded her, never once in 18 years except ok maybe once when she kept laughing at my English. ( I am French and sometimes have diffculties expressing myself with the english language and she made a point of laughing at me every single time I made a mistake in English)! At one point, I got so tired of this that I told her she better stop doing it while she was ahead cuz I am sure I would be able to edit her English writing - considering she quit school in grade 9 and I pursued my studies at the university level - in an English university -thank you. That time, her father backed me up and said that is true honey : Wife here could probably show you a thing or two on writing.

Anyways, boy am I all fired up this am, don't give up stepmom. At one point, I actually went to a support group to try and cope with her in my life cuz I honestly thought she was going to drive me nuts! The support group helped tremendously - her father did not know that i was going to these support groups mainly because of my difficulties accepting his daughter! At one point, you get to understand that these difficult step children had difficulties accepting us in their lives and i can understand that when a child is 9 and all of a sudden daddy has a new friend. But give me a break, these children grow up and at one point I am of the opinion that they should grow up to mentally, stop being jealous and accept that what they want may not be what they get in life! It's not because they don't want there dad to be with someone, that there dad will remain/stay alone for the rest of his life!!

Don't give up stepmom! Detach yourself from your sd!

Bonne journe.


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Brass tacks

Dear Brass tacks,

You don't know how bad and difficult it is for some step parents until you have to live it. So yes, sometimes it could be '' worse ''...it is hell!

I agree, i have seen some families where everything was fine, but i truly believe this is an exception, in my opinion. I have three step children. I have no problems with the two youngest. But with the oldest, from day one, I did not feel good about her and her about me!


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RE: adult stepdaughter coming home

I find these posts all very sad. No doubt blending broken families is an area that needs more attention. So many hurts that go on hurting...and never really heal.


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RE: adult stepdaughter coming home

Thurman,
Every year or so, I go on a long hunt lasting about a month. Sometimes I have too much on the fire and am only able to go on short hunts. I look forward to getting away.

It is very healthy to take the time out to do some things that help us unwind. Everyone needs exercise--it is a great way to unwind. Walking is healthy too. I can solve most anything when I'm walking--or decide not to solve something. Sometimes getting ourselves out to help someone will lift our spirits. Maybe visiting parents or grandparents (especially) and lending them a hand at something--or just simply enjoy each other's company. Some people find it a great outlet to write poetry or songs, or being a part of a choir or some other club. There are some great friendships than can be had from joining the right group. AA is one of them.

I absolutely dread holidays, weddings, funerals, reunions--the ones where families get together. I enjoy small groups--real small. I don't like crowds or parties. That's just me. I'm nervous before, during and after these family rituals. I'll bet that my anxiety would match what you have coming up.

I guess my point is, enjoy what you have and look forward to enjoying yourself more. Make some plans. If talking to your wife about your anxiety won't help--well, just excuse yourself from the two friendlies and go out--out to shovel the snow, out for a ride, but don't sit around getting your feelings hurt. You don't have to take a stand and tell the two how unkind they are--they are unkind and so you don't want to be around them. There is nothing wrong with not being around these two (or anyone else) that you don't want to be around.

Oh, and by-the-way, you want to snap your wife into a new reality? Make some new friends and start enjoying other people's company. Cheers


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RE: adult stepdaughter coming home

Thank you so much, everyone, for sharing. Step/blended families carry so much pain. It's the fastest growing segment of our society but so neglected. And it places so much stress on marriage, even strong marriages where the couples seem happy and in sync. I appreciated your advice, one and all. I'm sad that so many experience similar things, but at least we all know we're not alone.

I really don't harbor fantasies of wanting my stepdaughter to love me, or treat me like a parent. In fact, I don't think I ever did. But I didn't expect, all these years later, to still be struggling with alot of her silliness. And my wife still in the "see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil," mode. Can a stepparent fight alone without the biological parent's help? I don't think so, not if you want to save the marriage. In other words, if I tell this little brat off, it's my head that's cut (the marriage will end or be on life support). And our son, who is just 15, doesn't get to have his parents together.

I just keep whispering to myself, "It's only 28 days. It's only 28 days. It's only 28 days." of course, some of the emails terrified me in that she could move back home at some point, or close to us. Yikes.


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RE: adult stepdaughter coming home

Thurman,
Think about it...what can anyone do to make you say or do somethng you don't want to say or do? You are in control of yourself--and that's about it. You need to figure out just exactly what it is that gets you 'trapped' and think about how you will respond. Maybe the wife would like to spend more alone time with her daughter--wouldn't you like that too? You probably aren't old enough to be retired--but I am. It is wonderful. Why do you think so many retirees move to places far away from their kids...do you think it is all for the sun? Planning for retirement is a worthwhile activity.

Here is something to think about or find out about...has your step-daughter learned about the insurance that doctors have to pay and all the ramifications? Probably not, or she wouldn't be in medical school. But it's almost a given that wherever she decides to practice--she'll be staying in that state. Hmmm Get it?


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RE: adult stepdaughter coming home

Dear brass tacks,
I truly enjoyed reading your post this morning. You give good advice.

It is so true that we don't have to stand there and be with people who are unkind to us.

I also just loved Thurman litte saying : only 28 days, only 28 days. Cute!


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RE: adult stepdaughter coming home

Wow! I almost feel like we live in the same house. Your SD and my SD treat us like crap, despite the age difference.

I can't wait for the day when my SD is out of our house for good. I will party like there is no tomorrow. :) I know how you feel when the SD makes fun of or corrects you all the time. I have that same thing at home too. SD corrects everyone if they don't say something just right. It just drives me crazy.

I will try to hang in there and try to avoid her at all cost.

If you have a minute, please read my post stepmom hating the silence.


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RE: adult stepdaughter coming home

Dear stepmom
I did read your post stepmom hating the silence and I did post something.


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RE: adult stepdaughter coming home

fleurs...yes you did, sorry. I guess I was into reading the advise and didn't look to see who sent it.


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RE: adult stepdaughter coming home

Thurman,
I wish you all the best this Christmas. Everyone knows that the holidays are stressfull enough without the added bliss of a step child no matter what the age. My SD wont be attending the christmas eve party at my parents home this year because of her attitude and lack of respect for others. I should have a wonderful time then huh? :) Take care and keep us posted how your holiday turned out.


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RE: adult stepdaughter coming home

Well, I am a stepdaughter - have been for 26 years and my prob seems the opposite of all above. I have done everything I possibly can for my stepmother to like and accept me and she doesn't give me the time of day. I help when i visit I buy presents for all special occasions including mothers day/grandmothers day. Drop in meals when they are sick. But this Jan when she abused me in front of my children because of inviting children to my 2 year olds party and not telling her, I for the first time in my life stood up to her and asked her to leave my home. I don't understand her hatred towards me. I asked my father and he thinks that because when i was 13 (now 40) I wanted my dad to be with my mum she hasn't forgotten that. My parents where terrible for each other and of course as an adult i know that but she is stuck back there... it hurts so much.


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re: ddwebstuff

It must really hurt to have this woman treat you so poorly. I relate with the other people on this thread because my BF's 24-year old has treated me like dirt for the past 4 years and I was always kind and VERY generous to her. On a personal level I would not care if I ever spoke to her again, but because I love her dad I would like us all to get along well. I'd bet my bottom dollar that SD feels the same way about me too. We tolerate each other for him.

I think it's great that you stood up to your SM because she was disrespectful to you. Do you feel comfortable inviting her out for lunch or coffee so that you can discuss her petty and rude treatment of you? Without accusing her of anything or putting her on the defense, let her know that you would like the family dynamics to not be so strained or something like that. I'm sure you know the most tactful and appropriate way to approach your SM. I would maybe address the incident your father brought to your attention (he may even know more than he lets on). Tell her how you felt as a 13 year-old; and then explain to her that at the age of 40 what you said here: you now realize how badly they (you folks) were for one another, but at 13 you didn't have enough life experience to understand it, and if you made it difficult for her or made her feel badly, it wasn't personal - just a young kid who didn't know any better. If you honestly feel like she is good for your dad, you can tell her that too. I think that this is the most you can possibly do. Should she still act like an ass, then to hell w/her. You rose to occasion and did your best.

Again, I encourage you to speak with her. I wish that BF's D had the maturity to approach me. I tried to resolve our differences with her once and it was like poking a stick in a hornet nest. I wish you the best.


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RE: adult stepdaughter coming home

this is a two year old thread.


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RE: adult stepdaughter coming home

WHy is a 2 year old thread up? I haven't seen writing from thurman in a loooong time.


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