Although it was in 2008, someone said above, "I agree that it is difficult to post on this [step] forum. . . it is hard." This is pretty much true today, almost 10 years later. It is still difficult for a SM to post on a step-forum without risking getting roasted. I find that those who usually insist on needing to know more and more "facts," are unwilling to take SM's word for anything and waiting for the right moment to jump on SM to discredit her. Bio-parents can complain all the time, but when a SP does, the first thought is usually SM is over-reacting and SK is being misjudged. A lot of this I see as a cultural or societal issue. Most have no clue what to do with SPs. No clue whatsoever, other than to try to pretend like they don't exist. What is normal or best for SMs? No one seems to really know. Even a lot of SMs aren't sure. Sure, there are some theories out there, but do they work? Like Imamommy said above, we are told to keep at arm's length, so to speak, but what does that accomplish other than ever-present awkwardness? Is it true that it takes a village to raise a child, except when it comes to SPs? Somewhat exaggerated, but I always say a SM's world is backwards from most other's "normal. It's a world where you are supposed to have no say in your own household, a world where you are supposed to give love and settle for nothing in return, a world where you are supposed to be a servant or babysitter and never get paid, and a world where you may be married to your DH but BM and adult SKs still get first dibs on your spouse. Society as a whole doesn't get it, and that includes even some counseling professionals. The entire focus is on pretending like the divorce never really happened to "make things easier" for the children involved. SMs, the vast majority of whom never got involved with DH until after the divorce, are basically expected, in the year 2018, to sacrifice themselves (a/k/a take the high road, suck it up and take it, be the bigger person, etc.) for another family's divorce and fallout from that. There is absolutely no way anyone can justify that a person is supposed to pay a higher price for something she had zero involvement in than the people who were actually involved. There is just no way. Some still try, however. Some SMs get lucky and have both supportive BMs and DHs, and some at least have supportive DHs. Other SMs have neither. And, in these situations where SM is lacking support, what is SM's reward for trying to be the glue that somehow keeps everyone together? It is usually to become the family scapegoat or punching bag. And, society endorses this. If SM doesn't accept her role as the family lackey and a lesser wife, well to get back at her, they'll just slap the Evil SM title on her. What it all comes down to is divorce sucks big time for everyone, but because society as a whole doesn't want to deal with the realities of divorce and wants to act like it is not that big of a deal, and pretend like mom and dad are still the real, one-and-only couple even after the divorce, that means that the only way to keep up this fiasco is to totally degrade anyone mom or dad goes on to get involved with or remarry, to totally discount them. And, to make matters worse, if they dare to protest, then you slap them with the Evil SM label or tell them they are not minding their place. SM's main role is to be a wife to her husband. Her husband's role is to be a husband to her and a dad to his children. SM is her own person, and she doesn't owe anyone anything for what has gone on in someone else's past and not her own. She shouldn't have to give a long laundry list to anyone to justify that she needs help and support. She wants to do the right thing, and it is certainly in her best interest to do so. But, the only support most ever seem to want to give a SM is to tell her that she is over-reacting and to suck it up and take it. I always tell SMs to do what works best for you, because no matter what you decide or do, someone will be there every time telling you it is wrong. Comes w/the Evil SM label finely embroidered on all of our chests.

Seems like your step daughter does more than mine. Mine just attends school. My wife has a co-parenting situation where the child goes back and forth between homes. But her daughter left the biological dad’s place permanently after she turned 18 because she hates her step-mom. So she moved in with us permanently. We taught her how to drive and bought her a 16 thousand dollar car so she can drive herself to college. She’s 21 now and a junior in college but she doesn’t do much around the house. Free food. Free housing. She only takes care of her room, bathroom and takes out the kitchen trash. She doesn’t cook because she doesn’t want to. She doesn’t do dishes and leaves her dishes for me or her mom to do. On her free time she just watches tv and hangs out with her friends eating expensive food that her mom gives allowances for. So many other things I probably forgot to list it all. I feel bad for my wife because she does everything for her. I’m pretty nice and always lets it slide but at times it makes me frustrated. However to keep peace in the home I never say anything to my step daughter. I’m hoping one day she realizes how much we do for her and not take advantage of our kindness. Im not sure either because ive heard her say its the adults who have to mak sacrafices. but she is an ault herself. she has voiced that she is living with us forever. i hope not. I hope she finds a good partner or a rich husband because she has voiced that she does not want to work. Why waste money gojng to college then? And yes we pay for some of her college tuition. Because her dad will not eventhough he’s supposedly rich for the gram. she says her dad is struggling because he has 2 more little babies with the new wife to take care of. But just because he chose to have another life doesnt mean he throws out his other kid like trash for someone else to pick up.

I wouldn't go. If she doesn't want you there on her special day, don't give her a reason to resent you for ruining it (in her own mind anyway) It would just give her something else to whine about. You're SDs sound like they have a lot of growing up to do. Why spend a whole day being uncomfortable? Let your DH and younger SD go and enjoy the wedding without distraction. Plan a day for yourself,and enjoy it. As for younger SD moving out, yeah,let's see how the older one and her husband will welcome another adult into their home after they are just married and starting a life together. Frankly, I admire the fact you have even tried this long to connect with them. If it were me, I would be counting the days til that 18th birthday, and celebrate it by helping the little shrew pack her crap into the back of a moving van and changing the locks....but that's just me. Both of them are old enough now to know that you are not trying to be a substitute for their mother,and they should certainly realize how you make their father happy. What did they want? Their father to wallow away in miserable solitude,lighting a candle for their mothers memory every night until his death? They sound childish and selfish. I suspect that when they are older and hopefully wiser,perhaps with children of their own, they will come around and apologize for their terrible treatment of you. But I digress. To sum it up, don't go. SD doesn't want you there, and it's her day. Don't take it personally,as she sounds like a petulant brat who would treat anyone who had married her father the same way. You will not enjoy it. SD would not enjoy it. DH wants you there as his wife,good for him, but it may be a relief to him if you decided on your own not to go. He would have to deal with his daughters tantrums. Go to the spa. Go shopping. Take advantage of an empty house and eat bon bons on the couch in your underwear. Anything. We have to few days on this earth to spend any one of them doing something unpleasant if we can avoid it. You not only can avoid it, but have been given a free pass to do so. Take it.

Just let her know that you want to help, and listen to her suggestions.