Dear sunnygardenerme,

I truly understand your situation. It is not easy being a step parent. Whether step children are old or young - it is always difficult. I am truly happy for those stepfamilies who aren't having difficulties, but i truly believe that most of the time it is extremely hard to be in a step family.

I was only 29 years old when I met DH. I knew he had 3 kids and I actually looked forward to knowing his kids. From day one, I got along with the two youngest children but not with his oldest daughter. Never have in the last 18 years and hopefully never will.

The only regret I have is that I have never told her how i felt or feel about her attitude towards me and so with the years, it just got worse and worse where now I really do everything to avoid her.

From experience, I truly suggest you stick to your decision and say NO to DH about the car for his daughter. He can take out a loan alone for her if he wants her to have a car. Please don't give in! You know damn well she will not pay you back for the car and who knows what can happen between now and the next two years! Why rely on your credit to get her something!

DH will find the money for her. If he can't do it alone, too bad! If you give in, you will regret it. Let DH be mad at you. It isn't the end of the world. He's mad cuz you didn't give in to his request for his daughter. Oh really! He won't be able to spoil her this time, too bad, so sad! Does he say yes to everything you want!!

He'll get over it. I know you have your own reasons for not wanting to do this for SD and I am sure they are really good reasons and even if you tell him what they are - he will still argue that you should give the daughter a car! Don't even bother getting into an argument with him. Be selfish for once!

Now its a car. In two years, what will it be!

My hubby just gave 500 $ to his daughter so she can buy a second hand car. I was so pissed off at hime and I told him everything I had to say about the situation and when I get my paycheck, I always make sure I keep some extra money for myself whereas before I would put everything in the pot with him! No more!

Now I am just waiting for the day when she is going to show up at my place with the car!!!!!

Give a little bit to yourself before giving to her and him.

If I had it to do over, I am not sure I would have stayed in my marriage. I know I wouldn't have if I had job skills that would have supported me. After 30 years my husband fianlly learned just how bad his kids are. He was in the hospital close to death, they would not sit with him in the hospital to keep them from restraining him. He was high on prescribed drugs. After he came home, he said we could quit having our annual Christmas party and that I didn't have to hang around when they came over. They have not visited him but twice in the last 3 years and they all live with in 20 miles of us. He has been in a care home since July and they have not visited him once. I am not even sure I will tell them when he dies. I may just move away and leave them in limbo. At least that is how I feel now.

hi sungardenerme,

i just showed your post to my husband. He has 2 kids from a previous marriage. THey are still young but we are drilling it in their skulls that if they want something, they have to work and earn it! Unlike his ex that always teaches them go ask daddy...i straightened that out the first year i met him.
His opinion and mine: DO NOT GIVE YOUR CAR. HIS DAUGHTER CAN GO OUT AND GET A JOB AND EARN IT! NO HANDOUTS FOR NOTHING. If you hubby wants to give soemthing to his daughter that is his business to do so but not use you and screw you over for his kids! My husband was shocked that your husband was even thinkning that way. Sure he is giving you a new car but YOU guys get stuck with a bill while his daughter gets a free car. Second hand but still free and she is not going to pay you back! Its from her dad...that is considered a freebee from him and with you, she wont pay you cause she doesn't respect you.
Stick to your guns. Tell your DH, if he wants a car for his daughter tell him to pay for a second hand for her and deal with the bill himself.

Dear Jonesy,

I believe there are alot of step parents who would agree with you when you say ....''if i had to do it all over again i am not sure i would have stayed in my marriage.''

After 18 years with DH, i truly wonder sometimes how come i am still in the relationship? Today, i truly believe not to many women would accept what i have had to endure as a step parent and what we do for the love of children, whether they are our biological children or not!

Thanks fleurs for expressing your feelings, it helps to know I am not the only one in this situation.

As first what I did, I did for the step kids and my husband. After a few years of them neglecting their dad and only wanting money from us, I did it for my husband only. I didn't want him caught in the middle between his kids and me so I just tried to keep the peace even though I disliked them. When I asked for help when he was in the hosptial and they were "to busy", that ended it for me. I took down all their pictures and refused to stay in the room with them when on rare ocassions they did come over. I just recently shredded their pictures and I am human enough to have enjoyed it. And my children aren't any better, so all we have are each other now. I have had to put him in a care home and without the support of my new friends/neighbors I don't think I would have survived the last 6 months.

I want to say Thank you to everyone who has given me their suggestions. Presently, I am not giving my car to SD. I told husband when she has a job and can afford payments, I will be willing to have SD sign a contract and pay me each month for my car. I figure that way I can take that money and put towards my new vehicle. DH is still not very happy with me, but he appears to be over it. I still feel frustrated, tired and stressed with all the demands of my step children and wish they would grow up fast. I think there will always be stress with them no matter what I do. I have to learn to ignore them and live my life the way I want to inorder to be happy. A big THANKS to all for the support and advise.

Bravo to you sunnygardernerme,
You must be proud of yourself.

I understand when you say you still feel frustrated and stressed with all the demands of the step children but eventually it will become easier saying no to them or to their father.

However, I don't know about you but it seems like I am always in a constant battle with DH when it comes to the children.

He gave SD 500 $ a month ago so she could buy a used car. I thought that was really stupid knowing a used car for that price would not exist long. Well, last night he told me the brakes on the car are not working anymore and SD's husband had to get them fix (300 $) and they didn't have money for that. Ha!

A month ago, I told him it was stupid to give money to SD for that car but of course DH wouldn't hear me cuz his poor little daughter really, really needed the car. Ya right!

Well now, it seems like she's after daddy for more money. If i he gives her one more penny, just one more penny, that's it for me! Drastic measures will be taken, believe me. He gave her 500 $ and she did not even have the courage to send him a birthday card or to phone him the say of his birthday. Can you believe it! The girl just got 500 $ and she can't send her dad a birthday card! My God....

I won't get myself all stressed out with this now cuz I am not sure what will happen next (will he send her money or not) but DH sure seemed discouraged last night after talking to his daughter.

Too bad, soooooooooooooooooooooooooosad!

Keep posting. I always look forward to your posts.

fleurs gardener, Thanks for the support. I can relate to the car thing. I have given DH advise on an older/junky car SD is using of DH and of course DH did not follow my advise so what I predicted was going to happen, did.

Here is the story, DH had a 13 yr old car that SS use to drive. SS has a newer car now that DH bought for him. When SD totaled the car DH bought for her she asked for the 13 yr old car. DH said she could use it but because it is so old (unreliable) she could only drive it around the local town. Well, SD drove it everywhere. She put miles and miles on it and went to towns/cities all over the state. That then involve many repairs to keep the car running with DH paying. I had warned DH of this but he blew me off.

So just recently SD drove the 13 yr old car 300 miles to a get together, I said to DH "that car is not going to last." Sure enough, right after she drove it it broke down and SD calls to get DH to pay for repairs on it and of course he did. That is when he came to me to give my car to SD. I have warned him repeatedly of this car thing. I get so tired of the step kids manipulating DH for money.
SD is in college with no job, had a reasonable apartment near college but recently moved to a new more expensive apartment (at least $200.00 more a month) an hour from college. When she did this I said to DH what is she doing??? DH said she is going to ride with friends to college. SD also has to pay these friends for riding with them. Well of course she has driven with the 13 yr old car to college too.

In my opinion she has no concept of money and expects DH to pay for everything. Why didn't she stay living in her inexpensive apartment near college? DH says she didn't like it there her friends live in the other town an hour away. "Well to bad." Also, if she stayed in the cheaper apartment she could have put that $200.00 towards a car she needs to buy.
I get so fed up with helping enable such irresponsible adult stepchildren. They have no money management skills and they play on DH emotions to get what they want (money related items). I have noticed when SD want something involving money she will call DH and say she is depressed. When I tell DH she should go to a doctor for help he says she plans on it, but never does. DH then feels sorry for her and gives he something that involves money. I also see SS does the same kind of thing. I am sick and tired of it.

I think that is the ultimate questions: how and when do you cut the financial umbellical cord?

I think it's very difficult when as parents or step-parents we help these kids so much, many times with little thanks, and we just don't know when to stop. So I think the question is, have you and your husband reached that point? And if you have and he hasn't, it might be time to have that discussion, coming to an agreement, taking this case as an example, but to really stick with a rule (especially if you have other kids in the house).

Nobody likes it, but I still remember the time when my father, instead of asking me if I needed help paying for something, he said, "And how are you thinking about paying for it?" Probably, looking back, my step-mother had something to do with it.... and honestly, now I thank her for helping him draw the line. There is nothing more enlightening than a parent drawing the line, it is such a wake-up call for us children that have fathers that spoil us!

It wasn't fun, but it was extremely rewarding and a self-esteem booster for sure to know that I could indeed to things with my two hands. I think you really got it right when you said that you are enabling your children. I agree, you are doing them a disservice by not allowing them to grow up as financially responsible adults.

I am sure you and your husband can come to an agreement that works for both of you. Obviosuly, you don't like his idea and he doesn't like yours; but ain't that the irony of marriage? Compromise, find that middle ground. I am all about picking and choosing your battle, but this seems like a battle you need to fight, not even so much for you (although, it sounds like a tall order), but for those kids and their future.

Hang in tight, be that good parent that in many posts you sound like you are. Pray that this is just a phase, and don't lose sight of your dignity!

Thanks alldoglover. DH and I have talked and I agreed to consider allowing my SD to purchase my car in a year or two when she is done with college, gets a job and has an income. I informed DH I would want a contract signed by SD that she would pay me monthly payments towards the car.
DH was a little upset, but I informed him it is a bad financial move on my part to just give the car to SD considering her past history. I also told DH it does not help her learn responsibility and money management skills.
I want you to know we are by no means rich. We have to budget our money to pay our bills.
I have heard that DH's ex tells the kids your dad has money get it from him. The step kid's mother never pays for anything for the kids (maybe she is wise). I also feel the step kids are trying to get as much money from dad so I don't end up with it. But I don't need DH money, I have my own job, money and investments. However, DH and I decided to combine our incomes and invest our money into things together when we did get married. Everything he or I does effects both of us.
I have DH and both step kids on my health insurance. We pay for the step kids auto insurance, auto repairs, auto tabs, and ss cell phone. Give them care bags of groceries every month. We do what we can but the step kids appear to just want more and more and expect it. They demonstrate irresponsible behavior with money and then expect us to pick up the tab for their mistakes and mismanagement.

The stepkids often make little jabs at me. They always have a way to bring up something about their mother when I am around when it is not even part of the topic of conversation. DH and I both cringe when she comes up.

DH has to pay his ex $300.00 for the rest of her life. Something that happened in the divorce papers that DH and his lawyer missed. What a big miss. It just burns him and I every month. The ex has a job, retirement plan, been remarried and divorced, now living with a new man, owns a house, and car.

DH ex married the man she had an affair with that broke up the marriage and then 6 months later divorced him. The ex expects everything given to her too. I guess that where the kids get it from.
Thanks for a place to vent, get others view points, support, and input. It helps me feel like I am not alone and going crazy.
I really don't know anyone who is a step parent with similair family dynamics. The majority of my friends and relatives are happily married and stable in the family setting. I wish I had the same. Like you said maybe the stepkids are just in a phase. I hope and pray this is true.

Dear alldogslover and sunnygardernerme,

I love both your posts. I am so proud sunnygardernerme is sticking to her point with the car and SD wants and needs.

Alldogslover - you really made me think when you question if the husband and and stepmonth are on the same length in regards to when to we stop giving daughter or SD money.

I guess hubby and I are definitly not there although I have a sneaky feeling hubbie might start to see a little bit of my point of view when it comes to money and SD.

I'm so stressed and hurt again because of SD's wanting money again, but this time its because she is lonely and sad that she can't come home for christmas.

Remember this SD is married and has two children 4 and 8 yrs old. They live about 4 hours from us.

Every year when christmas commes around hubbie and i argue about money and the kids gifts. We have bills to pay and believe me in the 18 years I have been with hubby, i have helped financially alot, alot, alot! I make a lot more money than hubbie and we have put our money together for years. Which means when SD got married, the money we gave her came from her father and I but she never, never said thank you to me. When her first child was born, hubbie and I bought her a beautiful expensive rocking chair. She never thanked me. Anyways, i could go on and go and on like this.

Now I get a phone call from hubbie's ex wife on saturday who tells me SD isn't getting along with her husband and she really wants to come home for Christmas except she has no money. Ex wife asked : would you be able to pay 260 $ to pay for their bus tickets, SD and her two daughters.

First thing I said Is " What about the husband, the father of the two children!% Ex wife says : i don't care about him. He's a j... and it's my daughter i am thinking of.

Well ,,,,needless to say her opinion and my opinion differentiated on this one. I felt so much like telling EX Wife you are treating this man the same way you treated your husband and the way treated your husband (who is my husband now) when you decided to kick him out of the house. Your parents only wanted what was best for you and not for the children. I told Ex wife, i can't believe you would want SD to come home for xmas with her hubbie and all. How do you think this young man is going to feel come christmas morning alone without his children and his wife at her parents' place!

I think SD should stay home and stop being so childish and spoil and get up christmas morning and make this day beautiful if not for her at least for the kids. Nobody said mariage would be easy!

Well, when my hubbie came home i told him about the phoneconversation with the Exwife. To my surprise he said i don't have the money to give to my daughter so she can come home for christmas. I couldn't believe it! I was so happy t hat for once he agreed that we couldn't afford it. He even said I just gave her 500 $ for a car a month ago.

That is what he says now, but he hasn't talked to her on the phone yet and I am so afraid that with her crying and all, she will get her way and she will be amongst us at xmas and just thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach!

Please help me calm my nerves. I keep saying to myself that if she is amongst us, I will just ignore her and for once I will truly be honest and tell my hubbie that i am not happy with the situation and that I don't care if she is around or not on the 27th, - i am leaving the house to go to our cottage and I don't want her around there!

Please respond!

fleirs gardener, Your situation sounds so like mine. It seems like when ever DH spends time or talks with SD he ends of giving her something costing money. This is why I dislike when DH spends anytime with SD and I wouldn't doubt if this is why many stepparents don't want their spouse spending time with stepchildren because they are always trying to get money.

SD has a way of manipulating money out of "daddy". It does not happens as frequently when I am around the two of them. SD know what she is doing is wrong (taking unneeded money from dad) and doesn't want me to know she is NOT and independent adult women she trys to pretend to be, but that she is a spoiled inconsiderate adult child. SD attempts to get DH alone whenever possible so she can get something of money from him/us.
I always thought if she found someone (a boyfriend/husband) who would put up with her spoiled ways she would spend less time trying to get money from us.
SD has had several boyfriends, but, it appears that after they get to know her they break up with her. I can see why SD has to have everything her way or no way. This sounds like your SD having trouble with her husband. They are spoiled, self centered, expect everyone to just give to them, irresponsible, adult child, who need to GROW UP!
Thanks for your story, it lets me know I am not alone.

Sunnygardenerme,

You are so right. It seems like our situation in regards to SD are quite alike and I am so glad you understand me!

After I received that phone call from the ex wife on saturday asking for money so SD could come home for xmas, I was wondering why I was so mad and angry at SD once again.

It was only on sunday morning that it clicked. SD really, really bothers me because she is so damn spoiled! That's it. I don't want to sound like a hero, but believe me I've had to worked very hard in life to where i am and its the same thing for DH but SD who is child number one in the family has always been spoiled if not by her parents and I, by her grandparents.

She quit school in grade 10 cuz she was to lazy to get up in the morning to go to school. she was fired from previous employments cuz she was never there on time. She has a job now which she has had for 2 years and thats a miracle and the only reason she still has it is cuz hubbie doesn't work that much and she darn knows if she didn't have that job, they would be starving!!!

She also never cleans, doesn't do dishes, etc. etc. Every little minute she has, she spends it on the computer playing games. Remember she is 26 years old and has two little girls. What is she doing on the computer! I can just imagine her house!! Well, this weekend DH told me SD's hubbie wasn't in the home much cuz he was sick and tired of seeing SD (i.e. his wife) playing on the computer all day, and all night so he has decided to stay away from the house as much as possible. Now, i learned this weekend that SD is seeing someone else!! Can you believe it. They have been married for only two years and together for 6 or 7 years in all.

I find it funny that SD's hubbie is starting to see things. When they got married, i truly questioned how come they were getting married! I figured they were too young, financially unstable, etc. etc. etc.

i kep saying to myself one day this man is going to see certain things about this woman, that is SD, and realize that she is a fat, lazy spoil child! And that is what i believe he is seeing in her now. Sd's hubbie always cleans, does the dishes, looked after the kids while SD would sit there and watch TV or talk with whomever is in the living room other than me ok course. I guess i was right. SD's hubbie is sick and tired of doing everything and i am told he has already been unfaithful to SD!

I wonder why. He's finally opening up his eyes. And its not that i agree with his behavior cuz i think they are both acting in a very selfish and childish way but still.....

I am trying to breath through the nose. I will not feel well until my hubbie talks to his daughter!!!Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
If she gets her way and succeeds in getting money from hubbie, it will not be nice between hubbie and I.

Thanks for reading me!

fluer gardener, I can totally relate, but after reading mine and your post. I realized part of the problem also does start with the bio parents. This means our husbands and their ex. DH has always given in and gave. This creates children who has learned behavior of always getting their way and having dear old daddy paying their way out of trouble. SPOILED CHILDREN. They grow up thinking "Oh daddy will give in if I just keep manipulating and bothering him". They have learned inappropriate behavior to be a successful adult.

We can't just blame the child they are products of their bio parents. It is so very sad. I know I become frustrated with DH and the ex all the time. They have created a monster. However, the way I see it is that when step children become adults and want all the privileges of adulthood then they need to take responsibilty for themselves and their life.

You are right sunnygardenerme and i have told my hubbie that he is contributing to his oldest daughter being such a spoiled child.

The more I think about it the more I am sick and tired of this whole thing with the SD and if my hubbie gives in this time to her spoil needs, i'm leaving. I don't care if i have to spend xmas alone at the cottage with puppy. I just won't want to see SD knowing she is around us because she succeeded in getting some money again from her father instead of acting like a woman and making sure Christmas is beautiful for her two small daughters.

I need to go home now. I'll read you tomorrow.
Ciao

Hi fleurs gardener again. I have told DH the same thing but it appears to go in one ear and out the other. He gets sucked right back into SD & SS winey ways and "please feel sorry for us" attitude.

I too feel that the more I think of spending xmas with the step kids the more I dread it. They will have to be daddy's center of attention and what they say it right. They will have no conversation for me, they will just ignore. Oh yea, I am sure they will have to bring up the ex (their mom) for no reason and the women that ss has been try to set up daddy with. It gets so sickening.

I hate having to put up with there self centered disrespectful, inappropriate, spoiled behaviors. They are in my home too and need to change there ways or they don't have to come to my home. And DH will be blind to it all. It just hurts.

Thanks for hearing me. Keep in touch

Fleurs...Dr. Laura Schlessinger has written a book titled: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. It sounds as if your sd needs to read this book before she ends up divorced and on your door step with 2 kids in tow.

Perhaps she would receive it from her father if she thought you had nothing to do with the book. Perhaps he could have a heart to heart with his daughter about being the kind of wife and mother her husband and children need her to be, before yet another family falls apart, and she ends up raising two kids on her own...and you and your DH have to step in and help, or feel awful watching her not care for her children properly.

Perhaps her Dad can coach her that it is time to become a grown up and become of woman worthy of her role. That she can give these two children such an advantage in life, by spending the time with them to give them a headstart for success. Reading to them, taking them to the park, teaching them so many important things. To become the kind of wife and mother that she can be proud of! And make sure that her children have the advantages that other children have...and I am not talking about money. I am talking about time, and teaching them so that when they get to school, they will be so successful. Help build a vision for her in her mind of helping her children develop in ways that are valuable and important.

This book covers women whining and complaing all the time until their DH no longer even want to come home. It helps them to understand how valuable it is to take a positive approach to our roles as wives and mothers.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger can rub people the wrong way. But I will never fault her for how outspoken she is trying to save marriages, and help children. She will stand up for what she believes and will not back down, as she takes some unpopular stands for children today. I do not know many people willing to do that. Instead, they will re phrase it, and make excuses. She is willing to take a stand, without excuses, no matter how unpopular her stance is in our society today. And I suppose I admire that, simply because I never see anyone actually do it.

Sunnygardernerme and bnicebkind,

Thank you for your posts. To be quite honest with you, I am really exhausted today and I know this is because of all the stressed i have been feeling since Saturday with the Ex calling in regards to money for SD. Today, other than discussing the subject here, I will not talk about SD. I have learned that when I have these feelings of exhaustion I really need to back off abit for my own health and mental sanity.

I have learned in 18 years that it doesn't matter what I say to DH in regards to SD. It just goes in one ear and out the other. Oh, there were many a couple of times, where he did hear me and agreed with my comments in regards to SD, but these times have happened so few and far that for a long time now, I have just not inquired about her or talked about her. If DH did talk about his daughter, I would listen but knowing that whatever I say has very little importance to his ears just makes me stay away from the whole situation.

I have been going emotionally nuts with this whole story about SD and her finances and her mariage, and the kids, etc, etc, etc, since Saturday. Last night I kept thinking of ways to maybe talk to SD's hubbie (because whatever I say to SD just goes in one ear and out the other.

This morning, I have a complete different view of the whole situation. I don't care what happens to SD and her mariage. I do feel extremely sorry for the grand-children however. And yes, if ever she shows up on my doorsteps with her two children, that will be one hell of a fight I will have with DH, but until then, I am detaching myself of this whole situation. It's too exhausting.

Last night, DH talked on the phone to his daughter. She says they are trying to get all their money together so they can put the car on the road all legal and everything. They need about 1000 $ . God knows where they are going to f ind this money but for one reason or another, I have a sneaky feeling SD will find the $ ( she won't pay rent or something), just so she can come down here and get spoiled. Who cares if they have a whole lot of bills back home towards which they could have put towards instead of using it to travel home to mommy and daddy for christmas, sniff, sniff, sniff.

DH told his daugther he would put money in her bank account this week, money we have planned to give her and her hubbie for Christmas. Since they need $ now, DH figures its better to give it to them now. I thought that means if they come over on Christmas day, there will be not even a little gift for them to open. I started thinking of all kinds of little things I could buy for SD and her hubbie, you know just so they would not feel left out when everybody else would be opening their gifts on Christmas day.

This morning I get up and I think : Am I stupid? What is wrong with me? They have come to my house for the last three years at Christmas empty handed, not a single gift or card for me or their father! And while being at my house, they insulted me and made fun of me!!!

If I have decided that if I have to sit on my hands until december 24th in order not to break down and go spend on them, I will sit on my hands! It's about time I think of myself! Why get in debt for them. I'd rather keep the money for me, myself and I. Boy that feels good!

Bnicebkind,

I love Dr Laura and I will look into finding her book.

However, I will not waste a minute trying to explain to my SD what she should be doing and what she should not be doing in regards to her mariage! It would be a waste of time for me! She is a spoil woman, undeducated, irresponsible person. She has no interest in whatever I say or think. She has never called me in the last year to find out how I am doing and yet I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia last december and I am extremely pain most of the time. She knows about my health and yet she has not inquired one single time about how I am feeling!

I am sorry for this long post this morning. Thank you for reading me.

Bonne journ!

fleurs...do some nice things for yourself. I can see that you are hurting, and the anguish that people like this can create within our very core robs so much of the peace and joy from life. Their hurtful behavior weighs heavy and haunts those quiet moments in our life.

discover those things that will heal and restore you to who you rightfully are. Listen to beautiful music that delights your spirit. Search for music that lifts your soul! Find a few friends who have the gift of laughter...those who laugh so easily, to help bring your smile back. If you are upset when SD and family are visiting...call a friend and ask if she will see a movie with you that will take your mind off of "them"...even if just for a little while. Find a book that you can lose yourself in, when you find thoughts of her overwhelming you. Perhaps through your faith, you can pray for that peace beyond all understanding. In spite of it all.

I also want to mention that these are your DH's earning years, where what he earns now, may have to carry him through retirement, and the rest of his life, years of which he may be unemployable if he lives to be 80. He must start building some sort of "nest egg" now, so that if he needs care, he has the means to get it. It is frightening to think that after giving his money to his adult daughter all of these years...that if he is ever in the position that he needs money in his senior years...that you can bet that this daughter of his will be of little help. She doesn't sound like the sort of daughter that would ever be there to help the father she took from for years. It is that "entitlement" mentality that takes and takes. But when the tables are turned, and the person who helped them all those years needs help...they are full of excuses.

If he understands nothing....than he should at least understand this...and start saving so that he never has to depend on such a person one day. Wouldn't that be heartbreaking? To find that the person he helped all these years, does not return the favor?

And perhaps you too should save what you can, so that you are not completely in the same situation with him. If he is weak, and keeps giving her money...then make sure you are saving something, so that you do not feel so vulnerable along with him. He is making choices. But he is making choices that can greatly affect the quality of future for you both one day. If you have plenty of money...than this may not be a worry. But if money is somewhat tight now, and their is little "extra" - than you and he need to come together now and set bounderies financially with this adult daughter. Because if you live a long life...one or both of you may need that money earned now, to support you both during your retirement/elderly years when you may go 15 years with little or no income coming in. And what you save now can be the difference in your quality of life...or whether you can buy the medication/health care you may one day need.

Anyway, pamper yourself, and find peace and joy, as you take care of you this holiday season.

I want to add that bounderies can be set in a loving, and caring way. I think that your DH feels it is important to help her, and his grandchildren, because they seem to be struggling so. And it is hard to watch the children you love, struggle and be so needy. And he may fear for his grandchildren, and be willing to do without, to make sure that they have what they need.

I also want to add something. It seems so difficult for step parents to give money to their step kids...and I get that. I really do. Especially when they do not appreciate what they have been given. They feel entitled, and resent you.

And yet, will all of you step parents hold to the same set of rules with your own biological children??? Your own children may struggle financially, but often you have no resentment, giving money to your own children, as they wrap their arms around you and say thanks mom! Many of you just resent giving "them" any of what you feel is "your" money. They are so ungrateful, and feel entitled to what you feel is yours. I get that. Under the circumstances, I would feel that way too, I imagine.

And yet, we should consider that many of us do live by a double standard. Giving freely to our own child, and resenting any money that is given to "his" children. Especially when they treat us so badly. And refuse to even acknowledge the "gift" to you, thanking only dad.

And so for many, I just wanted to suggest that you may be living with double standards. It is just something to consider.

Thank you bnicebkind for your encouraging words and thoughts.

I have read what you wrote very, very carefully and I have come to the decision that in order to survie this situation with SD and DH and this xmas season, I must be more gentle towards myself and detach myself from SD. Because this anger I feel towards SD has been in my heart for so many years and because DH has practically always, always found excuses for her behavior, I now know the destruction all of this does to my heart, my serenity, my life, my well being and how it affects the peace within myself that I have been searching for so many years.

Today, when I think SD might be in my house during xmas, i still get a little shaky and angry, but I visualize myself just being there in the same room as her and keeping very, very quiet, telling myself she will not be there for too long and that it is better for me to keep my mouth shout. I also intend to walk the dog quite a bit and enjoy the fresh air.

As far as the money is concerned with SD and my hubbie's future years, you are right. I have been lucky in life with work. I studied for a long time and was successful in getting employment in my field of studies. On the other hand, DH works in a more labour related field and his pay check is not as high as mine. He does have money set aside in registered plans for when he retires, but it really isn't enough and he knows that. In fact, whenever, we talk about retirement, which I hope to start enjoying in about 9 years, he says he doesn't want to hear about it because he knows he will not be able to retire at the same time as me because he doesn't have the funds set aside for it! I have told him many timesthat I don't want to retire alone and that I am even ready to sell the cottage in a few years in order for us to have more money when we we retire. He doesn't like the idea of selling the cottage even though maintaining it is very expensive and harder for us physically to do every year. So we'll see but I know one thing, whether or not he has the money or wants to, I will be retiring with or without him.

I'd also like to add a word about boundaries :Its not because my SD is not my biological child that I react the way I do to DH's generosity towards her. I don't want to sound like a snob either or like someone who knows it all, but I have worked very, very, very hard in life to get what I have and enjoy now, that is, a good job, a very good pension fund, a cottage. While all my friends and other members of my family were enjoying their 20's and 30's, buying houses, having children, driving new cars, travelling, etc. I was stuck in school studying!

All my life, my mother told me she did not want me to wash floors for a living like she had to do in order to support her four children. My mom raised us alone, with no money, no schooling. We were poor. Very poor. At 9 years old I had a weekend job.

SD has had everything given to her since she was born. And please don't say I am jealous of her. That is not my problem. I often say if I had money, I would do everything to help her and ease her problems. But the thing is, she has never been responsible towards money. Never. This is not the first time she and her hubbie find themselves in a desperate financial situation. They have two children now. You would think they would smarten up. But no! They both just keep being totally irresponsible and then when the bills come in, SD cries and calls daddy who has told her more than once to do a budget, to stop spending, etc. etc. I don't even want to talk to her anymore about personal things. She's 27. She'll learn. I had to declare bankruptcy in my life at one point because of stupidities I had done. Believe me, this helped me learn the truly value of money. Eventually, SD will hit a wall too and have to smarten up!

I have found it truly relieving to come and write on this board about my situation with DH and SD. It has helped me vent out my feelings and I truly, truly appreciate everyone who has taken the time to read my posts write their comments and feelings in regards to my situation.

Merci.

Some days it seems that the more someone is given and indulged, the worse they do in life on their own. They know that daddy or mommy will come in and bail them out, and so they do not appreciate the help...they feel entitled to it. And they seem to have a much harder time growing up and becoming self sufficient, and becoming someone "they" can be proud of. It seems to stunt their development somehow. There is a book written on this titled: Choking on the silver spoon, and it talks about the problems of the children of the wealthy people out there. The kids grow up and have all sorts of problems, and few seem to be able to pull it together on their own. It appears that enabling adult kids hurts them in the long run, somehow. Yet you would think that the opposite would be true.

So many from our generation had no choice. You knew that you needed to get out there and get to work. It was that simple. There was no one who was going to pay your rent if you spent all your money on other stuff. If you wanted a place to live with electrity on, and a car, that you better find a way to earn a living. You quickly learned that if you had to do this on your own, you had better find a job that paid well. Parents may have helped out once or twice in your early 20's, but you knew that this was a very special favor, and you felt bad even asking to take money from parents who worked hard for it themselves.

And we did not tie love to whether we were handed money. We knew we were loved because they told us that they were proud of us, and proud of who we were becoming. That they encouraged us, and listened to us as we struggled to become an adult. They were happy to hear from us, because we were not calling for money, just calling because we loved hearing their voice, and talking to them. And that mattered.

I have a SIL who asks my MIL to pay for expensive things they want. Not things they need, but really extravagant gifts. And I think less of her for it. She too feels entitled. And she should know better. She feels no guilt in doing this. Why should she...after all, in her eyes, she is entitled to it. Sad isn't it?

I do not think for a minute that you are jealous of her. I think you are outraged by her behavior and her lack of taking responsibility for herself, and becoming someone worthy of respect. I think you are outraged, because her pathetic behavior continues, and no one around you seems to care, or "hear you" to validate what you are seeing or how it makes you feel. She continues to treat you shabby, and your DH continues to enable. And your emotions escalate. you can not understand why no one sees her behavior for what it is...and why they are not outraged too. Or better, why she is not accountable for her behavior, choices, and decisions.

Anyway, just telling you that I get it. I think at this point you would be wise to find someone to council you and your husband on how to set bounderies without guilt. Sometimes it is such a help to have someone other than you to explain to your husband how and why his part in this is destructive. He may listen to them, and work through the guilt. Religious places often council for free or a small fee...but it would do you well to find someone who is strong, and able to challenge your DH, and not coddle him.

Take care of you...with your health and the physical pain, you do not need the added emotional anguish too. Give your self a break.

Tell your DH that the best gift he can give his daughter, is the ability to become a responsible, self sufficient adult. It is sad to see adults still taking money from their mommy and daddy, because they spend what they earn on the wrong things, and make poor financial choices. At some point, they need to become a self sufficinet grown up.

bnicebkind,

I truly, truly enjoy your last post. You helped me put the word on exactly what it is that i totally dislike of my SD. The feeling that she is entitled to this, and that!

In fact, I do really, really feel like nobody hears me in regards to her attitude and behavior and that is what really bothers me. I feel like I am the bad one, the selfish one and the one who knows it all when in fact that is not the situation at all. I am just totally disgusted with her dislike for responsibilities and also like you so rightly say, the feeling of entitlement that she constantly seems to dish out!

DH and I have been in counselling over this and our relationship. I have read books, I have tried to explain things to him but you know I realize now that during most of those conversations I would yell, talk loud, I would walk away, we would not listen to each other.

I have not told DH enough however that the best gift he can give his daughter is the ability to be a responsible self-sufficient person. Nobody really was pushing her to get her drivers licence. Her mom doesn't have them but I am the one who insisted she get them when she turned 16 so she become an independent person and not have to rely on anybody to get here or there. I even put her on my insurance, but I guess like all other things i have done for her, she forgets or forgot.

To be really honest with you bnicebkind, I am really working hard at detaching myself from SD. Her mother was telling me this weekend that SD ''was just still a very, very young girl, she's still a kid'' said the mother.

Ya right. Still a kid! She has two children and a husband. She works, she drives a car, she gave birth to children, etc. etc. I don't think that is a kid. I think it is a woman who believes everything is due to her. I just realized a little while ago that this SD has no friends other than one or two maybe. I wonder why!

I need to go to the dentist now. I will be back tomorrow.
Thank you so much for reading me and for commenting my situation. I truly appreciate it!

You are welcome! I think what is wrong when we feel no one around us is "hearing" us, or seems to grasp what is "really going on" causes us to keep replaying it in our thoughts, and to keep trying to explain it to our spouse, thinking that if we explain it right, he will FINALLY GET IT. And he will validate how we see the situation, and support/or back us, and work towards changing his behavior that is contributing to the problem. When he blows us off, or worse, blames us, we keep replaying what really happened, and can not understand why everyone around us fails to see the obvious. And why they allow it to continue. It leaves us feeling defensive, misunderstood, and really angry. They are blaming you, for having the audacity to speak up and call them on bad behavior. They behave badly, and get mad at you for having the audacity to be upset about it. Can you imagine? it makes no sense. It is like someone saying something really nasty to an innocent person just sitting there. And then everyone getting mad at the innocent person because they are upset, hurt or angry. And the innocent person wonders why everyone is not angry at the person who was so nasty. Anyway, you know the truth in your heart. Begin healing your inner self, and find people around you who smile then they see you, and make you feel loved and cared for. It will help balance the pain around you. Know the truth, and you will not feel so defensive. Build your spirit, so you can begin to feel like the person you used to be. Rent funny movies on the hard days when your body hurts, but your spirit hurts more. When you feel so unappreciated, and unloved, and are plain hurting! Then do loving things for you!

There are clubs of women around the country who are "laughers". They laugh outrageously, and laughter can bring such healing to the soul. Perhaps you know someone who is just downright funny. Try and get to know them. Sometimes problems make life heavy. And as we become so hurt, or enraged by those around us who we cannot avoid...who purposely hurt us...they begin to rob the soul, and change us to someone even we don't like...then it is time to begin recreating ourselves, so that we begin to feel more like the person we once were, or better...richer...with the wisdom of a woman who has suffered at the hands of those she loved, and gave freely to. But a woman who is going to begin discovering her truths...without excuses or apology, her passions, her gifts, and her faith that will sustain her as she starts making room in her spirit and life for her interests, passions and talent.

Your husband is suffering too. He is worried about his daughter, and his grandchildren. Men express it differently. They try and solve the problem by providing for those they love. If he were with his ex-wive, together they would be trying to help their daughter and their grandchildren. But he is not, and this is not your daughter, and worse, this daughter of his is treating you poorly. And he is caught in the middle of his wife and daughter. He loves you both. He feels guilty or responsible for her problems...you will hear that over and over with divorced fathers. They overcompensate and overindulge because of their guilt over the divorce.

In my opinion, he needs to take a long walk with his daughter and talk. As her father, he needs to help her to see what kind of wife and mother she "could" be, to give her children the advantage other children have. He needs to help her create a vision for herself that expects much more of herself. To help her become a mother she will one day be proud of, and to be a wife who is adored. He needs to tell her that you are his beloved wife, and that he will no longer accept her treating you shabbily. That as his wife, she is to treat you with respect, and that she will be kind and helpful while she is in your home. That she has caused enough pain, and with your health, he will no longer allow her to treat you in such a way. That if she wants to be a part of his life, that from this day forward, the past will be put behind you both, and she will behave with respect. And kindness. And you will begin to heal from the inside out. And you will find peace again, and find your smile again. To find the side of yourself that you love. And let her blossom again. And with your physical pain...let people help you. If there is something you could do for them on your down time, perhaps you could do trades. For example...if you find yourself needing to sit in bed alot...could you do family scrapbooks for someone, in exchange for them dropping off dinners, or running errands for you? That sort of thing. Many people need to be needed. It makes them feel alive. They also have terrific books on tape (many self help/personal growth etc) at the library, on those tough days.

But learn the art of distraction for your emotional health. When thoughts of something she has done are overwhelming you, immediately distract yourself with something positive...anything...because to allow those thoughts...well, it keeps you from healing and becoming whole again. Do not allow those thoughts to have any part of today...because it damages something in your spirit. Have music in your car to chase those thoughts away as you begin to heal and find joy again. And peace. Find tricks of distraction and practice them. Take one day at a time, and think I will not allow myself to think about her today. And don't. Some people say I will think about that problem at 4:00 today. Not before, and not after. And put a time limit on it. Say 5 minutes. After that, I will train myself in the art of distraction, so that thoughts of her are not permitted to intrude on my day. So that "you" take back the power of your thoughts. Otherwise, she is hurting you without even being present!

Be pleasant...and respectful...nothing more for now.

I wish good things for you this new year!

Thank you bnicebkind for your encouraging words. They calm my nerves and sooth my soul.

I have made a copy of your post so I can carry them with me all the time. I am truly having difficulties accepting this situation with my DH and SD.

If it isn't one thing, it's another. We've had many, many discussions in the last 18 years in regards to his daughter and her attitude towards me. He simply find excuses for her attitude and now even blames me for the bad feelings between her and I. I told him if things are the way they are between his daughter and I, that it is in large part due to his fault and his inability to have put her in ther place whenever he say how rude and inconsiderate she has been towards me for all these years. But no, because he feels so guilty towards his daughter, and because he thinks he owes her everything because her mother and him divorced, he will never, never confront her with the situation and he will never, never admit that she is a spoiled brat and that it is no wonder she is where she is in life!

I told him that I was truly disapppointed at how easily he is accepting his daughter's wishes to separate from her husband and take the children away from their father! You would think since he went through a divorce and not being able to see his kids for awhile, he would not wish even his for his worst ennemy to go through a divorce. You would think he would encouraged his daughter to stay in the mariage and tell her that nobody said it would be easy and that most importantly that she is being a spoil brat by just wanting to leave the mariage when in fact she is not thinking of the effects of her decision on her children's well being and that she has done absolutely nothing, nothing at all to save her mariage!
You are so right when you say I feel like nobody is hearing me! I feel like I am just repeating myself when it comes to SD and DH. And after what happened again this weekend, I am now at the point of total desperation in my 18 year relationship with DH! He totally ignores my feelings and only has regards for his daughter.

I did not take holidays this summer because it was understood that DH and I were going to go to the lake and really relax during the xmas season. The plan was to go on the 27th of december for a couple of days before returning to work. We both love, just love, going there in the winter.

Saturday night I find out DH will not be going up to the lake with me on the 27th because he has to drive dear SD back home which is four to five hours away! He completly ignored our plans, thinking he would just drive me up at the lake, drop me there and leave me there alone with the dog (when in fact he knows I am scared as hell to stay up there alone)and come back and join me a two days later - all crabby, overtired, broke, watching tv, not wanting to talk to anybody because he will be so tired! Nice isn't it?
Would you be able to accept this!

The worse is SD is seriously thinking of moving back home with her two kids and move in with her mother! Nice! What a future for the children! I told DH that if she moved back home it was definitely going to be the beginning of the end between us! I'd rather live alone than have to put up with this constant stress in my life! If's its not one thing, it's another.

I sometimes wonder what in this world could happen to SD so that she could wake up and smell the coffee and see all the harm she is causing in my relationship with her father. Will she ever grow up!
Thank for reading me. I look forward to reading your comments and thoughts!

I understand everything you;re going through and sympathize, believe me. Bnice has had some great insight and advice, as always.

If I might play devil's advocate for a moment. My sister and I were married to brothers, both abusers physically, financially, emotionally. We were always broke because our "darling" husbands spent money faster than they made it. They always forced us to ask OUR family for money, they'd never ask theirs. They controlled their wives and children by pulling the financial purse strings. Luckily my mom and dad didn't bail us out very often. It took me 20 years and sis 30 years to finally get divorced and get a real life. That control is hard to break away from. In our cases, our kids would have been better off if we'd divorced when they were little. They still carry bitter emotional scars from their dads. The abuse wasn't apparent to outsiders. NO ONE except each household knew. Everyone thought how wonderful and charming our spouses were. Sis' husband was even a pillar of their church - until he was caught having an affair with the minister's wife and several others.

I'm not saying that that is what your SD is going through, just a possibility. Maybe she would have a chance to grow up if she got away from the husband. It is difficult with kids to make a new start, so maybe going back to her mom is her only option. Also having adult stepdaughters, I can see what you have gone through. My 2 SDs used to call up just for money all the time, one crisis after another. Thankfully after a few years, DH (with a little urging from me to open his eyes) got smart. He rarely sends them money now. If it is a medical emergency, he requires a conversation with the doctor and money is sent to the doctor, not the SD or her mother.

I know you've had a tough time with her for a lot of years but I hope your holidays are happier than what you are expecting. No one should have to go through what you have with your SD.

dirt yfingernails,

Thank you for your posts. It really makes me feel good when I read things like these and see that someone understands me and agrees no one should go through what I am going through with SD.

One minute I am fine and the next I just want to cry at the idea that xmas is here, that SD will be here and that I have been ignored because of her need to go back home on the day DH and I were going to go on holidays together.

I really don't know what to do anymore. Please someone help me.

The more I think about it the more I just want to leave and go to the lake alone on the 23. That way he will be alone with his children (18, 20 and 27 plus two grand children) for xmas.

I hate my husband and I hate my SD. There I said it!

Some of you might just wonder why I am not leaving the relationship! If I wasn't going on 50 years old and if my health was better, believe me I would be out of there as quickly as I can.

Now, I feel like I want to take advantage of DH. It's cheaper living with him and I can do my own thing without caring about him. Eventually, he'll get sick of me and hopefully he'll moving in with his dearest baby daughther. YES!

Should I stay home on xmas and go to the lake by myself. Obviously DH doesn't care that my holidays w ere all screwed up because of his daughter???????????????????

Oh, Sweetie. Sorry your marriage is not happy. If you are truly unhappy, you'd be better off alone at the lake for Christmas, and for the rest of your life even though you will have it harder financially. Maybe if DH spends enough time alone with poorly behaved adult kids, he will realize they are not "perfect" and that he misses you.

Be special to yourself and pamper yourself for Christmas.

dirt yfingernails

Thank you for your kind words. I am living one minute at a time, changing my mind every three seconds as to what I will do for xmas and the rest of my life.

bnicebkind I also want to commend your encouraging posts, your words are a beautiful gift to us all. I especially loved your comments about the art of distraction. I just thought you should know what a positive effect your words have on others and am grateful for your presence in this forum. Thank you and have a wonderful holiday season.

thank you jupiterj - I am glad to know it helped somehow. I know that so many of you are hurting. You came into your role as step mothers with such high hopes, and gave your best. And yet, for so many of you, it wasn't appreciated. And that hurts! It leaves us feeling misunderstood, rejected, and unappreciated. But worse, it can leave us feeling like an outsider in her own home. And I wonder if that is their goal all along. And the only way to counter that, I imagine, is to make certain that your DH is strongly by your side, loving you, and caring for you, and making you feel secure. And reassuring you that you have a strong place in his life and his heart.

But he also needs to expect more from his children. He cannot make them love you, but he can require that they treat you with respect, kindness, and when they are if your home, that they are also helpful to you both. It is part of raising them right, so that one day they will know how to be respectful to a boss they may have to work for, etc. But it is telling them that he loves them, and because of that, he must expect more of them. That you are his wife, and for no other reason, he expects them to be respectful, and kind. When they hurt you, they hurt him.

Perhaps over time, healing can begin.

sunnygarden, I did not mean to get side tracked, as this was your post, and I hear the frustration, pain, anger and discouragement in your post. I hope some of what has been posted will let you know that we hear you. I hope some of what I have written helps in some small way as you walk through the hard days. I think the most frustrating part of all of this is feeling that no one around you "gets it". Because if they did, why are they allowing the behavior to continue, or participating in what is going on.

Read my posts on Dec. 13th and two on Dec 14th and one on Dec. 16th in regards to the financial aspect that will affect you both one day.

Wishing you peace in the midst of it all. Take care of yourself.

Thanks bnicebkind, yes it is nice to know someone hears me and can understand. I have been very busy with the holiday coming and SS being here. No time to post.

Yes, I have been putting some money aside in my savings. Just alittle each month. Well DH found out about it and became a little mad about it. (He saw my bank statement). He said he never has any extra money to put away. Well, I wanted to say " you could if you didn't pay for SS & SD car insurance, tabs, repairs, SS cell phone and hand them money as the requested." (If the step kids would work they could pay or contribute to their own car insurance, car needs and cell phone bills.) I also wanted to add "and you wanted to give my car to SD and take out a big vechile loan so we would have more payments going out. No wonder you don't have any money left over to save." But I did not say it. I know it would have caused a big disagreement.

It just seems unfair that he can give money out to his kids and I can't put some in savings for myself. By the way bnicebkind I do not have any children. I love kids and work with needy handicapped children for my employment. Maybe that makes it even harder for me to understand and put up with my stepkids. Because my step kids are healthy, fully capable of working for some of their needs and still want everything handed out to them.
They want others to feel sorry for them.

It is frustrating living in this situation and nice to know others have many of the same problems. With Christmas eve day/night approaching I am becoming anxious and wondering if SS is going to leave at a decent time to go to bio mom so I came lock up our house, leave for my families holiday get together, and feel relaxed. I hope and pray it works out. I sometimes wish I didn't have to deal with this situation and that I never got involved in this blended family thing. It just added more stress to my life and as of right now, no rewards. But I know I did get into it and now need to do my best to make it work.

How do others remain calm and relaxed with step kids and holidays? Or just with the blended family thing?

"Yes, I have been putting some money aside in my savings. Just alittle each month. Well DH found out about it and became a little mad about it. (He saw my bank statement). He said he never has any extra money to put away."

He's been *giving away* "his" money instead of putting it in the bank.

Please don't let him manuveur you into taking on car payments so his daughter can have your paid-for car.

That would be giving away *your* money & putting you into a deep hole.

I wish you the best.