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I don't know why I can't love my stepson

Posted by mommy08 (My Page) on
Tue, Nov 16, 10 at 21:40

I am 25 years old. My husband is 33. We have been married for 3 years been together for 6. Me and my husband have our 5 month old and a 2 year old. My stepson is 8. I have known him since he was 2. It's been a rocky road as far as being a step parent. My husband was fooling around with the mother of his other child for years on top of everything to start off. I stayed with my husband because I believe in love and 2nd chances. Might sound stupid but I did. Well my stepson who I have tried to treat as one of my own for years. He is nasty to my 2 year old he said that he hates him. wants to throw a rock at his head. Is mean won't touch him, look at him. He will purposely do something to my 2 year old to make him mad. Than he will cry to my husband about it and try to get him in trouble. I feel awful I have tried to encourage my stepson to love and be nice to his little brother. He will just not listen. It's also not just the ignoring him and getting him in trouble. He also will punch him, push him whatever he can do. But when my husband turns the corner he will try to be nice.!!!! and put an act on for my husband. I feel so bad for my 2 year old son. He will try to hug him do anything to get his attention. HE will just be so cold and nasty to him. Gets me so mad. I mean its not like a little bit he just doesnt like him. It's BAD!!! you know almost abnormal. My stepson favors my sister in laws son. They are about the same age. So I know its kind of personal when it comes to my son. I just feel so guilty because I have such harsh feelings for my stepson. I am a loving person this is not like me. My stepson is so spoiled and disrespectful. A lot of times my husbands ignores it because he has Disney Land Syndrom from not seeing him everyday.We get him every weekend, sometimes I have so much stress that he is coming over because I know it will be a hate fest for my kids. My husband just is so blind to it or he just doesn't want to hear it. I don't know what to do anymore this is why am reaching out for advice to anyone in my shoes. Am so sick and tired of having to fight with my husband about my stepson. You know my husband favors my stepson over my children I feel. It's like my stepson cant do anything wrong. Even the way my husband will look or talk to my stepson is so different from our children. I feel jealous am turning red in the face. I know it's stupid but I do.Family members see it also. I realize that It was my choice to start this realationship knowing he had another kid from a previous affair. I think I was just young and in love at the time. But when things get old. You see what you were blind to in the begging. I would never have the heart or soul to tell my husband it's me and our kids or my stepson. I would never but I feel like our marriage is going to end because of my stepson. I feel put in a corner my husband doesn't want to hear it yet I don't think he knows how my stepson is causing this household to me miserable every weekend.I have to add that my stepson puts a line threw the family. It's like instead of being all together he seperates me and the kids from my husband. I have tried so hard to get him to love me and my children. I know he doesn't love us at all. Well sorry so long please help me I really love the advice. thank you


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: I don't know why I can't love my stepson

I'm so sorry.

I understand your feelings, but:

Your husband's son is violent toward your children.

Your children aren't safe, & you need to protect them before anything else in this world.

Your husband has already decided he can do anything he wants & you'll just keep taking it, & the only way to convince him is to act like the adult you are & take your children away to safety.

I wish you the best.


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RE: I don't know why I can't love my stepson

I disagree with Sylvia.

I think---assuming you love your husband, want the marriage to work----you are in need of family therapy and stepfamily counseling. BOTH of you have to be committed to it.

I say this because it's real easy for people to say "Oh, you should take your kids and leave." But then what? This man is still their father and, one would assume, he will have contact with your (his) kids. That means your 2 yr old and baby will then be around their older SS WITHOUT your supervision.

I'm not saying do or don't divorce, but it is NOT a decision to be taken lightly. This boy is 8 years old and some of what you're describing sounds like he is just scared and angry. Is HE in any counseling?

I feel for you. I have a SS(8) and my bio DD is also 8. Believe me, I have ben through the emotional wringer, vascillated between feeling like I have to be SUPER STEPMOM to him, and then feeling guilty when I wasn't overwhelmed with maternal love towards him; other times, I really just wished my husband had him EOW.

All I can say is counseling---and it's stil a work in progress--has been the only helpful thing for me.

Are yoiu taking care of this SS when he's with you? That, IMO, contributes to a lot of resentment. Also, the dysfunction (ie--cheating) with your husbadn and his ex makes it hard to have warm, fuzzy feelings.

My husband crept around with my SS's mother for the first 2-3 yrs of our relationship and it spills over onto today.

UGH.

There is no easy answer---but I definitely think counseling specifically geared towards stepfamilies could be really beneficial. BUT your hubby HAS to be on board, not just you.


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RE: I don't know why I can't love my stepson

First of all, 8 yrs child does not really know wrong from right. Furthermore, boy does not have the motherly and protective instincts as girl.

You expect TOO much from this 8 yrs old boy. I am sure you would feel DIFFERENTLY if he were your OWN son. All of those behaviors would be just kids stuffs.

Look from a different perspective. Your SS is raised in 2 different family circles w different expectations. There will be times in school he does not see his father around while his classmates do. His family situation is UNSTABLE while yours are.

Your own children will go through similar behaviors so don't quickly judge your young ss.

You might want to seek family counseling. An impartial person can really give you all some actions plan.


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RE: I don't know why I can't love my stepson

I wonder if it might work better for now if you were not trying to push your SS8 to love and be nice to your DS2. You can't force an eight year old (or anyone else) to love anyone. (Any violence, of course, needs to be stopped immediately, and I would hope that your DH will agree with you on that.) I think sometimes that having a step-relative is very close to what I imagine being in an arranged marriage might be like - everyone tries to be civil and respectful towards each other and hopes that love will grow in time.

I agree that counseling would be helpful, and I also think that if expectations were a bit lower that might help reduce everyone's stress level.

I really don't think it's abnormal for an 8 year old to be resentful of a 2 year old. Two year olds are often boring to an eight year old! They can't play with big kid toys but rather will eat them and stick them up their nose, which will get you in trouble. They aren't potty trained and so they often stink. They follow you around the house and babble at you while you're trying to play video games - and then your parents make you give them a turn whereupon they immediately lose! Even when you finally do have fun with them by convincing them to eat worms or such then you just get into big trouble! I can certainly understand why your SS would rather play with a kid his own age.


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RE: I don't know why I can't love my stepson

Oh, Mattie, how is it that you understand so well the thought processes of an 8 year old boy?? You are too funny! But, I agree with you -- expectations need to be lowered.


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RE: I don't know why I can't love my stepson

If this 8 year old was at all aware that his mom & dad were fooling around 'for years'... that would instill some hope of their reconciliation, that most kids have anyway. Then along comes a half sibling, dad marries you & that hope is smashed. Of course he is going to be less than thrilled if not downright angry. On top of that, he gets to see this half sibling get to have both parents together, while he is shuttled between two homes... and perhaps his mom is sad (whether she tells him that or he just THINKS it) because dad went away & is with you now. I can totally understand why it would be personal against your son. I agree with not trying to force him to be nice. He should have boundaries of not being allowed to be mean.... he should not be allowed to treat ANYONE badly. That may mean keeping your son away from him during visits. and he is probably trying to get more attention. That's not unusual & dad feeling guilty so he overindulges. He should try not to do that, but I think it would be better for the situation as a whole, if you try to understand the child's perspective. It's not his fault HOW he was brought into the world & he is not less than because of it. He comes to visit his father, not join your happy little family that he probably resents. If you find things to do with your kids & let your husband spend time doing things with his son on the weekends he is there & stop blaming the child for putting a line in dividing the family... your husband made a choice that caused this situation. It is what it is.


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RE: I don't know why I can't love my stepson

"Oh, Mattie, how is it that you understand so well the thought processes of an 8 year old boy??"

I remember being an eight year old tomboy with a younger brother (just for the record, I never convinced him to eat worms, although we may have tried.)


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RE: I don't know why I can't love my stepson

"He also will punch him, push him whatever he can do. But when my husband turns the corner he will try to be nice.!!!! and put an act on for my husband. I feel so bad for my 2 year old son. He will try to hug him do anything to get his attention. HE will just be so cold and nasty to him. Gets me so mad. I mean its not like a little bit he just doesnt like him. It's BAD!!! you know almost abnormal"

This boy is doing this to a 24 month old baby.

I could not stand by & adopt a "wait & see" attitude, nor could I risk my little one in this house household while I tried counselling to see if the future would be any different.

The fact that the 8-year-old is only 8 years old doesn't mean that his aggression isn't dangerous.

Protect that baby *first*.


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RE: I don't know why I can't love my stepson

"I could not stand by & adopt a "wait & see" attitude, nor could I risk my little one in this house household while I tried counselling to see if the future would be any different."

Okay, so the alternative is OP packs up and leaves with her kids---and then DAD files for visitation and this two year old is now spending the weekends with the eight year old. UNSUPERVISED.

I think at this point MOM (OP) has a lot more control.

What you're suggesting, Sylvia, sounds good in theory but opens up a whole new can of worms. And if Mom really wants to protect her son (which I am sure she does), she needs to make sure she is going to be ABLE to.

I am not saying she should STAY with her DH soley b/c she is worried about two year old being alone with his older brother; BUT---I think it is something to consider.

How will she protect her two year old if she's not WITH HIM????

I think the FIRST step is counseling to get DAD on board to understand the problem at hand. If OP leaves now, she's going to relinquish all control over what DAD does and doesn't do in the home. kwim?


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RE: I don't know why I can't love my stepson

Good point Love.


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RE: I don't know why I can't love my stepson

I thank everyone for their response very much. Sometimes in less you are in some ones shoes you don't know how it feels. I was not the reason that my husband and his ex gf broke up. I came along time after wards. Also his ex hates my husband she is not sad they they are not together. She likes to cause trouble though. I think that it's good to be proactive and encourage my stepson to be nice to my son. I don't try to force it upon him. To me to encourage him to love his brother should be a good thing. I agree that yes he is eight and may be frustrated which is understandable. I just don't think that it should be ok that he takes it out on my 2 year old son. If their our any mothers out there you know how you are protective over your children no matter who it might be. If it was my neice , my friend son. I would not stand them to be nasty to my children. I knew my stepson when he was 2 he told me he has no memory what so ever of his parents being together. My friends son is the same age as my stepson. They are friends with each other. My friends son loves his stepmother she was pregnant and her stepson counted down the days until his baby brother was born. We recently went to see the baby at the hospital. There was my friends stepson holding. talking to the baby. Saying he loves him. I only wished that could be my situation. I guess is what am trying to say is that not every stepson is like that. My stepson just has a hate for my children. I think we are all a family I don't agree with saying that he comes to see his father and not join my happy little family he resents. Is that so bad of me that I want us all to be a happy little family. What good will that teach my stepson. Just like he was part of the package so are me and my children now. If my stepson came here and loved my children and respect me there would be no line. I have always treated him like he was my own son. Also do you think it's fair that all week my 2 year old is surrounded by friends and family who love him and on the weekends in his own house his step brother comes over and abuses him. How do you think that effects my son. Just like people said that my stepson is from 2 different houses. My kids have the same thing in a way. Yes he is 8 no I dnt expect him to get along but my gosh dnt hate your 2 year old brother. He is a very smart 8 year old boy...I think at this age he knows right from wrong. He knows when he is being nasty.


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RE: I don't know why I can't love my stepson

"his ex hates my husband she is not sad they they are not together. She likes to cause trouble though."

I didn't mean that she is pining away for him, but you said, "My husband was fooling around with the mother of his other child for years on top of everything to start off. I stayed with my husband because I believe in love and 2nd chances." & I thought you are saying that he was fooling around with the mother of this 8 year old & if he was doing that while he was seeing you, then yes this child saw his parents 'together' at least in some way, unless they were so sly that they hid it from their own child. And even if the mother hates him & is not sad, that does not mean she does not let her son know how angry she is (anger is also a feeling that is much easier to express than hurt, so who knows if she truly hates him or is hurt he finally ended it with her and married you) but I'm sure the child picks up on those feelings because children are little sponges & know more than most people give them credit for. If mommy is angry all the time at daddy, of course it's going to affect how he feels about daddy's house & the new wife, baby, etc.

"I think that it's good to be proactive and encourage my stepson to be nice to my son. I don't try to force it upon him. To me to encourage him to love his brother should be a good thing. I agree that yes he is eight and may be frustrated which is understandable. I just don't think that it should be ok that he takes it out on my 2 year old son. If their our any mothers out there you know how you are protective over your children no matter who it might be. If it was my neice , my friend son. I would not stand them to be nasty to my children."

If you want to protect your 2 year old, then never allow the 8 year old to be alone with him. It's THAT simple. If dad refuses to acknowledge the problem, then it rests with YOU to protect the baby & make sure he's always in your sight when big brother is around.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be a happy little family, but if he (the 8 year old) does not want that, it is going to backfire to force it. I believe he does know right from wrong & he has anger, resentment issues... maybe from how his mother expresses, directly or inadvertently. He is manipulative if he changes face when dad comes around the corner & I agree with Sylvia that is a dangerous child that does that. (reminiscent of "the good son")

Lovehadley has a great point that leaving is probably not the best idea since the child only comes over every other weekend and leaving could place the younger child in jeopardy when he would visit.

The bottom line is that unless mom & dad are willing to work together to find out why their son is so aggressive & deal with it, then the only solution is to never allow your baby to alone with him. Yes, he was part of the package as you & your kids were part of a package, but YOU and your DH accepted each other's package... the kids don't get a choice. He didn't choose the package so how can you expect him to accept you as you've accepted him. You are the adult.


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RE: I don't know why I can't love my stepson

Thank you for responding. I just want things to work out that's it. I think am a really good stepmom. I know I will never be his real mom. I wish I was at times. Sometimes I think my stepson acts the way he does because of her. Am not saying that to be mean that's the truth. She is more of a friend to her son then a mother. She swears the f word calls him names, just the way she talks to him. It's sad. I have a big heart, I don't hate him or dislike him. I realize the situation is not the great at all for him. When he comes I take time to do things with him and play with him. He is involved in everything we do. As much as it might be hard that he does not have parents that are together I know when he comes here we try to make it the best and show him what a family life is full of love. No matter what the issue is. My husband has been a much better person from when I first met him, After being with her. Who knows maybe sometimes I think she might be encouraging my stepson to be mean to him. He is here every weekend and we are involved with everything he does. School, baseball, exc....We also speak to him on the phone eveyday. Both of us. I don't wan to break up my family. I don't want my 2 sons to go threw what my stepson has to go threw. Split parents and being bounced around. I do think that my stepson is blessed to have me. No matter how hard it is I always make it the best for him. I want him and my sons to love eachother. Someday when me and my husband are gone they will have each other. When my husband was fooling around with his ex this was when he was little but it was secret they did not do it in front of him. Now years have past and that stopped. Sometimes you can forgive but not forget ya know


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